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The Beautiful Painting



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Mon Dec 07, 2009 2:31 am
luisn says...



I love what I did here and would appreciate any criticism possible. What I would like is to take out parts because this is to long. I would like to shorten it to where it still makes sense and is decent writing but not to where it is very bland and tasteless.


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The Beautiful Painting

I stood there quietly, hands behind my back, rocking front and back, head cocked slightly to the right. Behind me was a strange mixture of giggling, whispering, and the teacher trying to get them all to shut up. The painting mesmerized me and almost took me away from reality. I took a quick step forward and a stumbled head first into the painting.

Some time had passed since the oh so peculiar, almost nightmarish thing had happened to me. For some abnormal reason my body decided to pass out on itself, but not because of fright, no, for mere, safety reasons. There was a very faint light hitting my eyelids, filling me up with warmness. I quickly jumped to my feet and began to analyze my surroundings. My ears began to pick up sounds that were very foreign to me. All around me was pure green grass, trees, and plants. Fast moving objects twisting and slithering past all the bunched up scenery. It began to drizzle gently, most of the water slipping past the majority of the trees. Quickly, I began to search for safety and found a tree that had a cozy, comfortable looking hole in its trunk. I cautiously walked over and began to adjust myself in the trunk.

While having a very nice dream about me and my cat, a small bright light began to shine in front of me, "...Am I dying," was all my brain was able to conjure up. "Hello, my name is Juju, what is your name?" The voice burned into my skull and my brain could not handle the pitch of the high voice that could break metal. My body shot up and hit something that was oddly soft. My eyes had not yet fully adjusted and I briefly see a dark object running around, naturally I panicked and began flailing my arms and running in circles screaming like a little girl. I picked myself up and ran to the corner of my little house, sat myself down and proceeded to hyperventilate.

The object had came into view slowly and cautiously re-taking several steps in the process. "Sorry if I scared you before I just got nervous," his/her voice was serene and soothing. I slowly stood up, immediately realizing that whatever it was, it seemed to be around six inches tall. "Why... Where am I?" My mind had finally caught up with reality. "Why you're in Demensmoth!" I pondered at its words and noted this "Juju" down as delusional, but part of my mind knew it was right. "Quickly now we mustn't waste time chittering and chattering!" It took my hand and dragged me along; its grip was strong and I realized it had wings and it was dressed in pure green tights as to camouflage itself. Wings for gods sake! I groaned and let Juju take me wherever he/she desired.

I learned that Juju was a male and he told me more of the land of Demensmoth. After awhile Juju began to tell me of his life and how he became a pixie, his stories were fascinating and it seemed to me that he was making this all up as we walked. Realizing that I had to get back I tried to tell Juju of how I got here but he always managed to come up with something else to fill my brain with. We continued to walk to what seemed like nowhere until there began to appear a large tomb, the green began to fade out of the upcoming path and the skies became clearer. "Here we are! Now you go on in there and you can leave," Juju patted my back as he talked. There were barley and noises other than the sound of his little wings hitting the air. "So, it is just that simple? Nothing else, just, go in there?" I was confused and I guess I was scared because my legs began to walk by themselves.

After arriving at the base of the temple I began to notice the carvings that the temple had, strange carvings of humans and animals. I cautiously opened the colossal stone door and was introduced to what darkness really looked like. There was a small section of the dark place that shined bright. I squinted and realized it was the museum and my classmates. Before thinking I began to run towards the museum and was about to jump in when the door closed on itself and I had ran towards a stone wall. I tried to hold my tears and I rubbed my forehead quietly.

My eyes began to adjust and I saw a group of people in a circle. Without thinking I ran to them and began to yell out loud, "Hey! Can you help me? I need some help!" They looked back and slowly began to walk towards me. "Oh thank god, finally some actual people willing to help," I thought. I approached them too and saw what they looked like. Most of them were a dark brown color and wearing poorly made clothing. "Hey do you guys know anythi-" They had grabbed me and began to carry me over their shoulders. I was paralyzed from fear and did not know what to do. It seemed as if their hands were hungry, not for food but something else, I could smell sweat, my own fear, and their lust. In a matter of seconds I had my hands tied behind my back and a rope around my mouth. I could not scream for Juju's help, I was all alone.

Someone began to take me down from the fury of hands and flopped me down in the middle of a circle surrounded by lit candles. There was nothing else I could see but the ceiling and the strange people beginning to make the circle again. A very old man began to speak words that did not seem anything like words. Another man dressed in a dark black cloth with a hood over his head had went in the circle. He had a knife that was very detailed; it had two snakes carved into the handle of it and the blade was very slick and sheik. The talking became louder and louder and I could not think of a plan or anything for that matter. I began to cry and scream as best as I could, my tears ran down my cheeks and I could feel the knife coming at me. Straight down at my stomach. More tears and muffled screams.

The sword had finally reached my skin and it was as if time slowed to an almost complete stop. Every motion someone made became blurry as they kept moving and I could feel an emptiness at the pit of my stomach as I saw the blade pierce my skin. I could do nothing about it and just waited for the pain and death to take me away. The world began to spin normally again and I could see the inside of my stomach with the skin pulled to the side. Blood began to fly through the air and it glistened in the dark; more people began to surround my massacred body, gawking at the sight. At this time I could not feel anything as this person slashed at my body vigorously. All the blood, there was so much blood, I felt drowned in it and the people in the circle quickly bent down and began to pick up my intestines, quietly with their faces, long with no expression to show.

The pain had finally began to start kicking in and as it did another man approached with a long broad scythe. He aimed it at my neck and I wished only for him to go faster. I began to twitch crazily and could not withstand the agonizing pain. He brought down the scythe as my mouth oozed blood, and before I knew it my neck was no longer part of my body. What a beautiful painting this was.
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Thanks for reading. :D
Why cant there be a book were the writer is the reader and the reader is the writer are you following me. Different. Fine your own path do not follow another. Why not take the road lest traveled by.
  





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Mon Dec 07, 2009 11:29 pm
JabberHut says...



Hello!

Very cool idea! My gut definitely cringed at the end there, so you had some great description working for you!

I found myself zoning out in places though and having to reread the paragraph. Would it mess up the story if there was some dialogue in it? Or maybe it just needs some action. I'm not sure. I felt like we were just in lala-land the entire time (until she, you know, dies). Lala-land sends me to sleep quite a bit too, haha!

I wish I had a better feel for who the MC really is. It seems kind of naive of her to just follow this pixie which shouldn't even exist. At least have her look cautious or paranoid? She somehow jumped from the museum to lala-land, so at least I would be very nervous and careful about what I do. She seemed to easy.

And I don't understand the "beautiful" part of The Beautiful Painting. I just know it's a painting and that she was attracted to it, but that's the only time beautiful was ever mentioned. In other words, I thought the last sentence seemed a bit abrupt.

Not much to say, honestly. I thought this was an interesting idea! My gut is still tense from reading that killing scene, haha. Just don't overdose the description. If you read it out loud to yourself (or your dog or whatever, just read it out loud), you'll find where it begins to drag 'cause you'll get tired of talking at that point or wish to skip to the next paragraph.

Keep writing!

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Wed Dec 09, 2009 2:07 am
PenNPaper says...



That was nice!

At first I thought that the guy JuJu was going to take you to someplace nice or something.
And then suddenly it turns out to be a nightmarish experience. I like how you twist the story.

Still, this sounds more like a fantasy fiction, but i guess it doesn't really matter.

Other than that, this was a good story.
Writing is all about imagination~
  








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