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Projectory Suicide (Please comment. It's short)



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Wed Mar 03, 2010 9:00 pm
13timmy24 says...



She sat there with legs dangling over the edge, looking down at the
people 40 stories down, who seemed to flock together and flow like
rivers down the sidewalk as the cars flowed even slower. Her tears
dripped down her chin, falling to the ground, into the mass of New
Yorkers. Behind her stood a man who held her fate. He liked to
consider himself, "Projectory Suicidal" wanting death but replacing
his own end with anothers. He longed for an epic death, one that
would leave scarring memories in everyone, yet he would never know, if
it were his own life lost in the act. Instead he chose to take the
lives of others staged as suicide. Many creative executions had been
set, for his own insane suicidal mind was already full of them. In
his home, through the door to the dark frigid basement hid a door.
Concealed behind a bookshelf in his study was a door. This door led
to his asylum, a place where his demonic fantasies of death were
compulsively recorded. Newspaper clippings of scenes he set, tapes of
news stories and reactions of the world. His favorite though was the
affect on the people. Psychological scarring was his ultimate goal,
leaving images of death and pain burned into a stranger's eye.
---He slowly stepped forward towards the girl, and asked, "What would you
say if a complete suicidal stranger landed just next to you as you
walked on towards your pointless goal in another meaningless day of
your life? How would you feel? What if the body landed on you,
killing you. What would you feel if your family member died from a
death wish of another? The intense ripple effect of a public act of
self hate.. It's so pleasing." More tears streamed down her face,
embedding their traces like scars on her face, as the hot crystalline
drops fell, like water to the river of people below.
The man stepped closer still, towards the girl, until she could
feel the cold metal of the gun on the back of her head. She let out a
squeal of fear, choking on her own tears, she knew there was no
escape, her life was at an end. The chilling metal retreated from her
skull, and with a single blow to her back with his foot, she was
gone. He walked to the edge to observe her ragdoll-like body tumbling
down. As she fell, life turned to slow motion, and millions of
thoughts drove through her mind as if they were about to burst out of
her head. Adrenaline pumped through her veins, and his alike. He
watched with open eyes, observing every detail of the plan set in
motion, her body grew smaller and smaller, her blonde hair whipping
through the air as gravity and air resistance took their course. Her
stomach felt as if it were going to collapse as the G-forces took her
body by storm. Her body smashed into the crowd of commuters as she
lost all self-realization, all sense, and all conciousness. He
watched as a hole seemed to puncture the flow, and all pedestrians
stopped as the lifeless smashed body lay there, along with the body of
a small child, who laid smashed into the ground under her, and all
around the two lifeless masses was a stain of deep red, which flowed
out, just like the ripple of delusion, which embedded itself into each
of the helpless citizens.
  





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Thu Mar 04, 2010 5:31 am
UnderestimatedSmiles says...



Very interesting. Sort of a mass murderer that is suicidal in and amongst himself... I'm interested to see where you go with this, if you plan to go anywhere with it.
Laugh, Smile, Have Some Fun, You Only Live Once!

People say the pen is mightier than the sword, but I don't know, a sword can actually kill you while a pen can just hurt your feelings...
  





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Sat Mar 06, 2010 5:51 am
Elinor says...



Hi Timmy! I just had a few comments. ^^

13timmy24 wrote:She sat there with her legs dangling over the edge

You might want to mention the legs belong to her and they aren't stay legs that belong to no one. Belive me, that's disgusting.


13timmy24 wrote:looking down at the people forty stories down

Don't be lazy. Spell out your numbers.

rivers down the sidewalk as the cars flowed even slower.

I don't really like this sentence. Cars don't "flow". Maybe "roll" would be a better word.

wanting death but replacing
his own end with anothers.

Just say he wants to die but he kills other people instead. It's simpler and it will get across to more readers.

He longed for an epic death

Then why doesn't he just kill himself?

yet he would never know, if
it were his own life lost in the act

I think you'd be aware if you were alive or dead.

In addition, it would be nice if you could mention why he wants to die. Otherwise, not a bad story. PM me if you have questions.

-Elinor
Last edited by Elinor on Sat Mar 06, 2010 11:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.

All our dreams can come true — if we have the courage to pursue them.

-- Walt Disney
  





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Sat Mar 06, 2010 4:22 pm
Litehawk says...



I think what Timmy meant was that he wante to see how his death would affect others but he wouldn't be able to find out because he'd be dead, so he puts others in the place of his life instead. Also, this is probably just the intro to an actual novel because the ending wasn't a very good ending if this were one story. Maybe he'll reveal more later. And no you wouldn't be aware if you were dead because death means you're no longer aware of anything
  








Excuse me I have never *lied* about a character I just don't tell the truth
— AceassinOfTheMoon