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Blade



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34 Reviews



Gender: Male
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Mon Apr 26, 2010 12:39 am
Valentine says...



Hey everybody. You may know me for Shades of Violet. I haven't posted anything here in a while, but I am working on something new, and decided to post the first chapter. Don't worry, I am almost ready for a new chapter of SOV, it almost finished. But, tell me what you think about this. You won't get the main plot of the story, but it should be interesting. Enjoy:

Blade

“The most dangerous human being is the one that no one considers a threat. When a terrorist pulls out a gun at an airport, people tremble in fear. What they do not know, is that they are relatively safe. After firing one or two rounds, the man will be shot dead. It is the man that you fly with, eat next to, the one that you never give a second glance which you should be afraid of. His power is as immeasurable as the seas, and infinitely as deadly.” – Marcus Black

▪▫▪


To say that the airport was loud would be a pitiful understatement. The noise cascaded around me like the deafening thunder of a waterfall. It was literally hard to hear my thoughts. My suitcase hummed along the tile as I made my way toward terminal B. I glanced at my watch. The hour hand was twitching towards the seven. My flight would take off in roughly thirty minutes, leaving me more than enough time to grab something to eat.
Ten minutes later, I was sitting alone at a table, chewing on a six inch sub from Quiznos. I had blatantly refused to accept the lower quality of Subway, and had received a couple extra blisters in pay. A few bites later, my cell phone vibrated against my leg. I pondered whether to answer it. Most likely, it was my mom, still worried about her little boy being in the busiest airport in the world. I was deeply tempted to hit ignore, but decided, for her health, to pick up.
“Hello.”
“David,” she began and took a deep breath, “I thought you weren’t going to answer!”
“It did cross my mind.”
She continued, ignoring my comment.
“Anyway, I was cleaning up your room, making sure you didn’t forget anything, you know, and I found at least eight pairs of socks! What were you thinking? You know what it’s like walking with no socks? Your feet will be meat slabs in minutes!”
I glanced down to my shoes and let out a silent grimace. Oh, I knew that all too well.
“It’s fine mom. I’m sure I can pick some up in Beijing.”
“What? That will never do! What if they don’t where socks in China?”
My hand covered the phone, muffling a laugh.
“Are you laughing at me? You’re lucky your father agreed to this!”
“It’ll be fine, mom. Hey, I gotta go. My flights boarding now.”
“Fine. Be safe. I love you.”
“Love you too.” I ended the call and admired it for a moment. The phone was a Droid, and brand new. We both hated Apple with the same fire. So, my dad had sent it to me with the invitation. Apparently he was taking some time off work and wanted me to spend some time with me. I admit I was surprised. He hasn’t ever shown any interest in me before. Before, it was more like, “Hey dad, you wanna play catch in the backyard?” “Nah, I have to hit the sack, early flight to Vancouver in the morning.” I don’t even really understand what he does. Some kind of sales I guess.
Taking in a sigh, I slipped it into my pocket, and dumped my tray into the nearest trashcan. I was about to board the plane when something caught my eye. A man was sitting in terminal C. He was about 5 9”, and had was dressed in a black suit and a vibrant red tie. But it wasn’t his clothes that caught my eye. The man was sweated like a pig. I mean, it was dripping down his face and soaking his collar. I heard somebody ask if he was feeling well, but I couldn’t hear his reply. I was actually feeling a bit chilly myself.
I decided that I should move on. He probably was just sick. Then, as I turned my back, I heard a scream.
“He’s got a gun!”
I turned toward the voice in an instant. The scene unfolded so quickly it seemed to melt together. The man in the suit was no longer wearing his jacket. Instead, a bundle of something that looked like clay was visible through his half unbuttoned shirt. In his right hand, he held a pistol, and in his left, two wires that trailed the object on his chest.
“Nobody move and nobody has to get hurt!” The man screamed.
If he wasn’t currently armed with a gun and with what looked like a bomb, I might have believed him. My eyes flickered around the terminal. Already, guards were had their guns drawn and steady.
“If you fire, this bomb will explode, killing everybody in this terminal!” the man threatened. I could see fear flicker in his eyes, like he almost didn’t believe the threat himself. My legs seemed to have glued to the ground when I was watching, because I tried to run away, but couldn’t. This confirmed every one of my mom’s fears. What if it blew me away and left my mom childless and practically husbandless. Somebody started crying.
It seemed like all we had to do now was wait for his demands. Thirty seconds later, the man obliged.
“All I need, before I let you all go back to your miserable life, maybe I should kill you,” His gun circled around us. “No, all I need is a person. He is here. I know he is. All I need, is Mar-,” The man faltered. His eyes looked blankly around us, then they rolled up into his head, and he fell to the ground. His gun rattled of a discharge as it hit the ground and havoc ensued.
Within in an instant the man was surrounded by armed guards. S.W.A.T soldiers were spilling into the terminal as well. Apparently they had been close by. My first thought was the bomb. Why hadn’t it exploded? As if he had heard me, a man in uniform kneeled over the body of the man and called to the room.
“Clear. It’s a fake.”
I let out a sigh of relief. The uniformed man rolled the body over on its stomach, revealing the silver handle of a knife between its shoulders. The man’s jaw dropped.
“Looks like the knife killed him, shattered his whole freaking spine.”
“Did you say a knife killed him?”
“That’s a positive.”
“Call an ambulance. Maybe they can revive him.”
The men conversed in hushed undertones. But the whole room was straining with me to hear them.
“Get everybody out of here.”
“But sir, they have flights.”
“I said get them out of here!”

A soldier who looked no older than eighteen led a group of other soldiers in ushering us out of the terminal. My phone vibrated again, but I ignored it. Time seemed to be moving in slow motion. Everybody was crying. I felt like crying. It was times like this that reminded you how thin the thread of life was. All it took was one, well-placed knife.

Comments are appreciated:
Last edited by Valentine on Mon Apr 26, 2010 11:23 pm, edited 3 times in total.
"You either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become a villain- TDK"

-My Bloody Valentine Reviews-
  





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Mon Apr 26, 2010 9:11 am
Hippie says...



As always your writing is wonderful to read. You've also come quite a way in credibility too, becasue I didn't see any of those unrealistic reactions like in the early chapters of Shades of violet.

I like your characterisation too. I get the sense of this fussy kid, based on his insistence on Quiznos over Subway, and his hatred of Apple. If that's what you were going for then maybe you could also build on that with the socks thing. Perhaps he doesn't like the socks he's got at home for whatever reason so he refused to take them. I also see he's slightly sarcastic which is good too.

In fact, I think you have characterisation nailed, because from even the brief moment in which the bomber is in the story, and the call with is mum ("what if they don't wear socks in China.") I get a really good sens of their characters too.

There's not much I can really comment on. Maybe insert a but of foreshadowing earlier. It would be well within his mother's character to say something like "watch out for anyone who looks nervous in case they have a bomb." At the time it would seem like a dumb, paranoid thing to say, but when it actually happens it will add a kind of irony to the story.

You've certainly progressed. Soon you'll be helping me with my stories. In fact, check your inbox on that note. :mrgreen:
Q: Where do you go to buy shoes?

A: At the shoez canal, lol.
  





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Mon Apr 26, 2010 3:24 pm
Sionarama says...



Hippie wrote:As always your writing is wonderful to read. You've also come quite a way in credibility too, becasue I didn't see any of those unrealistic reactions like in the early chapters of Shades of violet.

I like your characterisation too. I get the sense of this fussy kid, based on his insistence on Quiznos over Subway, and his hatred of Apple. If that's what you were going for then maybe you could also build on that with the socks thing. Perhaps he doesn't like the socks he's got at home for whatever reason so he refused to take them. I also see he's slightly sarcastic which is good too.

In fact, I think you have characterisation nailed, because from even the brief moment in which the bomber is in the story, and the call with is mum ("what if they don't wear socks in China.") I get a really good sens of their characters too.

I agree! Your work is amazing and fun to read. And I liked the ending. Marcus, your main character right?, is the killer. Some how he killed the killer. WOW. You really hit the confusing yet clear mark in mystery stories. The only corrections I have are: you must italasize thoughts and make your paragraphs clear.....other than that, you have a great story. Maybe a sequal??
Chow for now,
Sionarama :smt021 :smt020 :smt064 :smt068 :smt069 :smt063 :smt088 :smt109 :smt096 :smt116 :superman: :smt046 :smt047
"You may not be educated well in the areas of etiquette and the like as a princess, but you do throw some bashing good parties!"
Not all princesses are pink sparkles.
Exhibit A
  





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Mon Apr 26, 2010 5:13 pm
Areida says...



Hey Valentine! This is the first thing I've read of yours, and I'm impressed. Good work!

Here are a few nitpicks for you, since I don't have any big complaints.

Valentine wrote:I had blatantly refused to accept the lower quality of Subway, and had received a couple extra blisters in pay.

Awkward. You can be as straightforward as "...lower quality of a Subway sandwich, but had no qualms about making up the price difference."

I glanced down to my shoes and let out a silent grimace. Oh, I knew that all too well.

Does this become important later? You don't tell us what he sees when he looks at his feet that make him grimace, so I have to wonder what the story is there.

“What? That will never do! What if they don’t where socks in China?”

Two things: (1) "That will never do!" is terribly archaic. The quality of your phrasing up to this point convinces me that you can do better. (2) Wear, not where, socks in China.

“It’ll be fine, mom. Hey, I gotta go. My flights boarding now.”

(1) Missing an apostrophe on flight.
(2) If Mom or Dad are acting as stand alone nouns, they have to be capitalized, just like a name. If they're modified by my, your, ours, etc., then they can be lower case. i.e. "Mom said no." vs. "My mom said no." You did this again somewhere else, but I'm not sure where.

“Love you too.” I ended the call and admired it for a moment. The phone was a Droid, and brand new. We both hated Apple with the same fire. So, my dad had sent it to me with the invitation. Apparently he was taking some time off work and wanted me to spend some time with me.

The phrasing here is really awkward. Play with the sentences until you find a better flow. For instance, the first sentence reads like you're admiring the call, not the phone.

I admit I was surprised. He hasn’t ever shown any interest in me before. Before, it was more like, “Hey dad, you wanna play catch in the backyard?” “Nah, I have to hit the sack, early flight to Vancouver in the morning.” I don’t even really understand what he does. Some kind of sales I guess.

I like this. David's pretty dry about the whole thing without being a victim.

A man was sitting in terminal C. He was about 5 9”, and had was dressed in a black suit and a vibrant red tie.

Really? And would you say that he was 195 lbs., or closer to 180? Unless it's really super important later on, I don't care how tall he is. Don't give me his lineup description. Just tell me the first things David notices, like his clothes and his profuse perspiration. (And how could he tell he was 5'9" if he was sitting down anyway??)

But it wasn’t his clothes that caught my eye. The man was sweated like a pig.

"was sweating"

“Nobody move and nobody has to get hurt!” The man screamed.

"Now stick 'em up!" Bombs in airports are pretty serious business. Your dialogue can be better than this. Really use this moment to create as much tension as possible.

ex: "Nobody move!" he screamed. "Everybody just - just be still!" His eyes darted from side to side, and his chest heaved with each laborious breath he drew. "Nobody has to get hurt!"

“Did you say a knife killed him?”
“That’s a positive.”
[/quote]
Do people really say things like that? Maybe you've done your homework on this one, but that just sounds goofy to me.

Parting words: read through the whole thing again, aloud, if possible. There were multiple minor errors that could be corrected by a thorough reading. It'll save your reviewers the trouble of picking out your typos and boost your credibility.

I see lots of potential for a really good book here. Hopefully David will still get to go to China. 北京歡迎你!
Got YWS?

"Most of us have far more courage than we ever dreamed we possessed."
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Tue Apr 27, 2010 3:02 am
vox nihili says...



Other people have already pretty much covered all the bases for "criticism" so I'll focus more on the scenario.

One: Your intro is great. A kid who is flying to China to meet his dad, his mom calls all paranoid about him being okay (perfectly realistic, and adds a little bit of humor) and suddenly as he's about to board the plane, a strange guy has a bomb and a gun....

This is a perfect way to get the reader's attention, and set up the plot of an action story.

A few suggestions: show don't tell.

I know if you've been on this website for more than a week, you've heard it before, but it's true. Show don't tell. Show don't tell.

That's about all I can say. A few more details, a few more adjectives, and you'll have this sort of tone perfected.

Great job!

I can't wait to read more!
  





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Wed Apr 28, 2010 2:24 pm
Sionarama says...



Valentine,
Sorry for reviewing again! I just read a magazine specifically talking about mystery stories. Here are some pointers:
1) make up abreviations. Like maybe a KBK (killed by knife). You have to make up these abreviations. They don't have to be real. People eat them up.
2) really explain the situation in a way that isn't spelled out just told more straightforward
3) get people hooked. You want them to WANT to know what happens next.
4) give clues so people can figure it out. A trace and a hint is a great way for 3 and 2.
5) make it real. (you have already done this.).
hope this helped!!!
~Siona
"You may not be educated well in the areas of etiquette and the like as a princess, but you do throw some bashing good parties!"
Not all princesses are pink sparkles.
Exhibit A
  





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Wed Apr 28, 2010 9:28 pm
Pretty Crazy says...



I agree with everyone that you've improved. Not much to say that hasn't been said, but there is one thing. Don't stop. You can go far because you have natural talent as a writer. If you ever do stop, you will regret it.
Best wishes for future stories from you!
~ Crazy :P
Looking for someone who won't disappoint you?
Look to Jesus.:)
  








One is not born, but rather becomes a woman.
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