Young Writers Society

The air was thick with mist. It was dark and the sounds of night were all around me, taunting me willing fear to slowly creep up into my body and consume me. I wouldn’t let it; no fear would only make this harder. I knew what was going to happen and I knew there was nothing I could do to stop it.
“Lia." it whispered, it was in my head now. It emerged and intertwined itself into my body. I let out a silent sob.
“Lia." it whispered again. I didn’t know what it was, but it knew me very well. Even now I could feel its icy cold hands touching my mind, feeding on my memories. What was it going to make me do tonight? My mind flashed back to the crimson red the night before. No don't think about it, it's not your fault.
“Why isn’t it Lia? You killed them." it said, it voice was velvety and sweet yet frightening.
“No...No you made me, it was you." I wrapped my arms around my body. hoping that somehow this would console me but it didn’t help, it was still in me and there was no escaping it , I couldn’t even kill myself .It wouldn’t let me .
“Go away... please." I whimpered
It laughed.
“No Lia, I am a part of you now I’ll always be with you." even though every bone in my body was denying this I knew it was true. I would never escape its icy grip.
what are you. I thought knowing it could hear me.
“I am the darkness." it said its voice booming in my head. I put my hands over my ears and winced.
“why me, why me?" I was crying now, not able to suppress the tears.
“You amuse me." it said.
I sat down and let the fear take over. It was all around me it was all I knew. I started hyperventilating. How many times had I found myself sitting here doing this? How many innocent lives have I taken? The number was unthinkable. Sometimes I wished I would get caught but it was too smart for that.
“Please get out." I said hoping that it would listen and let go , I yearned for the feeling of solitude in my own mind.
It started to uncoil itself from my mind until I was alone.
I sat there for a while in complete and utter disbelief. Was it really gone?
Will I finally be free? A smile crept onto my face and happiness overwhelmed me ,maybe it would really stay away this time.
“not quite." it said but the voice was not coming from inside me. I turned around. I stared at the face of a young man about my age with extremely defined features in complete shock. he had jet black hair and blue eyes he could have passed for a human but there was something not quite right about him , something unsettling. For a second I thought that maybe he was just a random guy and not the darkness that haunted me but something deep inside me told me I was wrong.
“Hello Lia." it said.
I turned away from it and looked straight ahead.
“You didn’t think I’d leave you did you?"

That’s all I have so far

Hi!
My name is Martina... I like your story... It reminds me of the books by R. L. Stine... Anyway, I think it's great and I would like to see more of your work...

thanks dude
sure i'll tell u when i write more

That was really... chilling. But in an amazingly well written way- I want to see more of your work because that was really excellent! One thing though, how would you pronounce her name? And also, in future chapters if you plan to continue this, could you go more into detail about the darkness? Especially the past of the darkness and other things it has done, it experiences and what not. Any way, that is certainly packed with potential.

Red is things I don't like or grammar mistakes
Blue is things I do like

Writerchick wrote:
The air was thick with mist. It was dark and the sounds of night were all around me, taunting me, willing fear to slowly creep up into my body and consume me. I wouldn’t let it; no, fear would only make this harder. I knew what was going to happen and I knew there was nothing I could do to stop it.

“Lia," It whispered, it was in my head now. It emerged Where was it to begin with? and intertwined itself into my body. I let out a silent sob.

“Lia," It whispered again. I didn’t know what it was, but it knew me very well. Even now I could feel its icy cold hands touching my mind, feeding on my memories. What was it going to make me do tonight? My mind flashed back to the crimson red the night before. No, don't think about it, it's not your fault. This should be in italics because it's her thoughts during the night, not what she is thinking as she retells the story to us.

“Why isn’t it Lia? You killed them," It said, it voice was velvety and sweet yet frightening.

“No...no you made me, it was you." I wrapped my arms around my body, hoping that somehow this would console me but it didn’t help. It was still in me and there was no escaping it. I couldn’t even kill myself,it wouldn’t let me .

“Go away... please," I whimpered

It laughed. He seems like such a demon, lol >:D

“Silly You don't have to keep this, I just think this would do better than just "no".Lia, I am a part of you now. I’ll always be with you,"

This should be another line.Even though every bone in my body was denying this, I knew it was true. I would never escape its icy grip.
"[color=#FF00000W[/color]hat are you?" I thought knowing it could hear me.

“I am the darkness,"It said, its voice booming in my head. I put my hands over my ears and winced.

“Why me, why me?" I was crying now, not able to suppress the tears.

“You amuse me[color=#FF0000]," It said.[/color]

I sat down I don't like this part. and let the fear take over. It was all around me[color=#FF0000], it was all I knew.[/color] I started hyperventilating This is clearly telling not showing which is not good. Put something like, My throat tightened and my breath began to come in short gasps, my heart pounding furiously. It was when my chest siezed up that I realized I was hyperventilating, it gives the reading more of a look into Lia's mind, not just her words.. How many times had I found myself sitting here doing this? How many innocent lives have I taken? The number was unthinkable. Sometimes I wished I would get caught but it was too smart for that.

“Please get out." I said hoping that it would listen and let go. I yearned for the feeling of solitude in my own mind.

It started to uncoil itself from my mind until I was finally alone.
I sat there for a while in complete and utter disbelief. Was it really gone?Will I finally be free? A smile crept onto my face and happiness overwhelmed me, maybe it would really stay away this time.

“Not quite," It said but the voice was not coming from inside me. I turned around. I stared at the face of a young man about my age with extremely defined features in complete shock. *With* jet black hair and soft Lol, you contradict youself. First you say his features are extremely defined, then you say his eyes are soft. Fix that blue eyes, he could have passed for a human but there was something not quite right about him , something unsettling. For a second I thought that maybe he was just a random guy, andnot the darkness that haunted me but something deep inside me told me I was wrong.

“Hello Lia," It said.

I turned away from it and looked straight ahead, Towards what?.

“You didn’t think I’d leave you[color=#FF0000], did you?"[/color]

That’s all I have so far

Overall

This seemed to be something you just randomly came up with and wrote down. Don't worry, that's not bad, sooooo many writers do that. I liked the idea and your use of words made me really feel for Lia. Your main problem was grammar but that's not really all too much of a big deal, you could always get a beta reader Nice job. I love Lia's false joy when she thinks he leaves but he's just taking a human form. You should describe where she is right now, because for all we know she could be in a small town in Alabama, a meadow on Jupiter or a NYC alleyway. I really liked this though, lol, my review got erased about 3 times but I liked it so much, I came back and redid it each time . PM me when you get more up.

Hey, WriterChick, I'm Ellie and I'm going to review your story!

Overall, it was pretty exciting, and really made me want to read more. If you shortened it up a little, it seems like something that could go on a back of a book. I like the way it's written, from the beginning it has the reader "into it" (as I like to say), and that is important!

Now, just some nit-picky grammar \ story issues I have.

“Lia." it whispered, it was in my head now.

I think It'd look better if it was written more like this:

"Lia," it whispered. "Lia!" It emerged and intertwined itself into my body. I let out a silent sob.

That way it looks and reads better.
And after the last sentence, you could continue with the paragraph you have.

No don't think about it, it's not your fault.

Right here kind of confused me, because it wasn't clarified if the reader was thinking this or if it was just something you added.
If Lia was thinking it, you might want to italicize it.

it said, it voice was velvety and sweet yet frightening.

There's a few things wrong with this statement, the first is punctuation.

it said. It's voice was velvety and sweet, and horribly terrifying.

What I did is I fixed the small grammar issues and added a few verbs and adjectives to give it a bit more feel to it.

I wrapped my arms around my body. hoping that somehow this would console me but it didn’t help, it was still in me and there was no escaping it , I couldn’t even kill myself .It wouldn’t let me .

This is a very important line, it's describing how the "thing" is dominating her, but there's a few grammatical issues with it.

I wrapped my arms around my body. Hoping that somehow this would console me but it didn’t help. It was still inside of my mind, and there was no escaping it. I couldn't even kill myself... it wouldn’t let me .

I only changed a few things, mostly grammar wise, but this way it makes more sense.

It laughed.
“No Lia, I am a part of you now I’ll always be with you." even though every bone in my body was denying this I knew it was true. I would never escape its icy grip.

Again, just a few grammar problems.
When you describe something a character is doing before you're going to make them speak, you're going to want to do it in the same line. Also, I don't think a bone could deny that something was taking over you.

It laughed, “No Lia, I am a part of you now I’ll always be with you."
Even though every part of myself, of my mind, was denying this I knew it was true. I would never escape its icy grip.

You, yourself, can deny things - but not your bones.

what are you. I thought knowing it could hear me.

Capatilzation and punctuation is all that's wrong here.

What are you? I thought, knowing it could hear me.

“why me, why me?" I was crying now, not able to suppress the tears.

Just need to captalize the first "Why".

Will I finally be free? A smile crept onto my face and happiness overwhelmed me, maybe it would really stay away this time.

If it hadn't before, she should have some denial in her thoughts.

“not quite." it said but the voice was not coming from inside me.

Just have to capatalize the "N", and also "It said" should have a comma after it.

I turned around. I stared at the face of a young man about my age with extremely defined features in complete shock. he had jet black hair and blue eyes he could have passed for a human but there was something not quite right about him , something unsettling.

This is a very important line too, it's describing that the thing is actually a (maybe not so) human!

I turned around and stared at the face of a young man about my age with extremely defined features. He had jet black hair and blue eyes. he could have passed for a human but there was something not quite right about him, something unsettling.

That's how I would have worded it, to make more sense and correct grammar.
Also, you want to add how did she feel when she saw this stranger? Did she think he was hot? Ugly? Gorgeous? Pissed?

For a second I thought that maybe he was just a random guy and not the darkness that haunted me but something deep inside me told me I was wrong.

You might want to clean this up too, it seems like it runs on to me and is a bit generic.

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You want to watch out for captalization, grammar, and description. Your story was wonderful, I loved it and I can't wait to read more. You have a great idea, all you need is to put a plot behind it and maker it into something wonderful!

Best writings,
Ellie.