Young Writers Society

Hey everyone! Here's my latest attempt (first on this board) at original fiction. I don't really know where the story is heading but I thought it'd be nice to have some input on what I have so far. I'll keep adding to it in this thread. Rated PG-13 just in case.

******

“Hey Chief.”

The soft, exotic voice near his shoulder made deputy police chief Luke Collier pause and smile widely before turning around. He crossed his arms over his chest and looked at the smiling woman in front of him. “Well, well, well… What brings you waltzing back into my life?”

She smiled coyly and tossed her hair over her shoulder. “Nothing that can’t be explained over dinner.” She stood up on her tiptoes and lightly placed a hand on his shoulder as she whispered into his ear. “Meet me later?”

He looked around, conscious of the fact that they were in a busy room full of his officers. “When?”

“Nine. The usual place?”

“Of course.”

She lightly brushed her lips against his cheek and replaced her purse strap on her shoulder as she backed away a few steps. “I’ll see you.”

Luke smiled as he watched her walk out of the station. One of the officers came over to him and put his arm across his shoulders.

“Hey boss? Who was that?”

“That… is for me to know, and you to find out.”

The officer laughed and went back to his desk.

“Hey boss… you have lipstick on your face.”

Everyone in the room laughed (a few whistled) as Luke sheepishly took out a handkerchief and wiped his cheek. “Okay guys, lets get back to work.”

*******

Luke leaned back as he sipped his drink in the moderately lit Georgetown restaurant. He glanced at his watch. Oh how she hates to be late… he smiled. She probably hadn’t changed that much since he first met her back home in LA. Ten years ago she had been fresh from the academy while he was in his third year as an officer.

I wonder what made her come look me up now. He cringed. It had been nearly five years since they had seen each other after he had gotten a better job offer in DC, and nearly a year since they had even talked.

His heart nearly stopped when he spotted her walk into the restaurant, shaking new-fallen snow off her coat. Her dark brown hair was shorter than he remembered it, but it looked good, just brushing her shoulders. She caught his gaze and smiled.

Luke stood up and pulled out the chair opposite his. He grabbed her in a welcoming embrace before she could sit down. “Sophia Grace Nolan… what in the world?”

Sophie laughed as they both sat down. “It’s good to see you too, Luke.”

“Isn’t it always?” They smiled. “How’ve you been? It’s been too long.”

“It has,” she agreed. “I’m sorry I haven’t been better at communicating this past year… things have been pretty hectic for me. Are you happy to see me?”

“Of course I am! But what are you doing here?”

She laughed. “I knew you wouldn’t let go of that. I came to see you about a job.”

“A job? What happened in Los Angeles?”

“It was time for me to move on.”

Luke smiled. “So why did you come all the way across the country to ask me for a job?”

She twirled her straw around in her drink. “I had to put some distance between me and LA. Things were getting… risky.”

“Risky? Come on, spill. You don’t want me to call up Phil and ask what you’ve been up to these past few years now do you?”

“Aah, no need for that.” Sophie couldn’t help laughing. “My brother may have good intentions, but sometimes he says a little more than needed.”

“I know. That’s why I like him so much. How’s he doing, by the way?”

“Married to a lovely woman named Angela with three adorable kids and working in the private sector now.”

“Never would’ve figured. Now back to you and your ‘risky’ business…” he smiled and raised an eyebrow.

She leaned back and studied him for a brief second. “For the past eighteen months I was working with the gang unit on a particularly intense case. A lot of undercover work, if you know what I mean.” He nodded and she shrugged. “Six weeks ago, our cover was blown and I started getting threats.”

“Threats?” He shook his head. Only the good cops got threats… still, not a comforting thought.

“I’m still in one piece aren’t I? It sounds worse than it was. Long story short, my house got ransacked, Jim and I decided it would be best for me to move on, and here I am. Can I have a job?”

“That’s a lot to digest so quickly. You’ll have to go through the application process… but I know we’re shorthanded and I can vouch that you’re a good officer.”

Sophie took a bite of her meal and sighed with delight. “This is so good... nothing like it on the west coast.”

“I’ll second that.” They ate in silence for a few minutes.

“Do you have someplace to stay while we work on getting you a job?”

“Yeah, I found this great apartment just a few minutes away from the station.”

“You found an apartment already?” He asked.

Her eyes widened and she shrugged. “I’ve been around for about a week. Never hurts to be prepared!”

He laughed. “It’s sure going to be an adventure having you back in my life.”

She grinned. “I can’t wait.”

Hello there, welcome to YWS!

I have to say I am quite amazed at how good this is. Your dialogue flows very well, your characters are quite appealing, your piece overall is a good read. Had my attention all the way through, except for one patch I'll point out in a second here.

I'm not accusing you of anything, but I'd like to warn you about the dangers of police stories. Be sure to do your research! It looks like you know what you're on about, so I'm not going to be on your back too much about it.

Now, for that one part that briefly lost my attention:

His heart nearly stopped when he spotted her walk into the restaurant, shaking new-fallen snow off her coat. The years had been good to her. She had always exercised often and eaten right. Her dark brown hair was shorter than he remembered it, but it looked good, just brushing her shoulders. She caught his gaze and smiled. Luke stood up and pulled out the chair opposite his. He grabbed her in a welcoming embrace before she could sit down.

This paragraph touches on an information dump. It's not a terribly major one, but I found my attention slipped ever so slightly here. That's not good! So, try and find a way to incorporate the description with the action, just to keep things moving.

Overall, I thought this was absolutely fantastic and can't wait to read more. =D

-St. Razorblade

This was really enjoyable =D

I only have a few comments.

The first few paragraphs to the second part (the first three) were info dumping, and all that could be done through dialogue. Seriously, read over the paragraphs. Some of it you can't mention, but the majority of it you can either hint at through dialogue, directly say with dialogue, or you can spread it around rather than clump it all in one place.

Your voice is smooth, you don't need to be bogged down by info dumps.

The second thing, was the interaction with the waitress. It came more apparent why you wouldn't to do it [so the girl could remember] but if it isn't important, cut it. You don't have to stick to reality that strongly, the reader won't notice if the waitress never comes to their table unless you mention it. We're absorbed in their dialogue, and who knows how long they're talking for, right?

Overall, it was very good, but the ending felt light to me. From the start, I would have said, "I want to read more" but by the end, I have no real need to read more. I figured out who this lady was, and that was all I was interested in. Now... I don't care about her. See my point? I think it would have caught me more if she was running from the threats, scared for her life, and worried they might find her hear, too. Something major happened when she was undercover, but she won't tell Luke. That would keep me reading.

Other than those points, I really enjoyed this, and you have skill. Keep it up.

I thought this was really good. I liked the dialogue. It flowed really well and gave us all the information we need. There is alittle describtion but it wasn't too over powering. I thought this was amazing and i can't wait to see where it is going. (when you have desided ofcourse!)

Full marks!

Hey folks! Thanks for reading and commenting! It's already making me more conscious of what I write. I edited the original post taking out a few sentences at the beginning of the second part, and also the part with the waitress. Let me know what you think. (Thanks for pointing out the waitress part Claudette, I didn't really want to have her in there but felt obligated... thought it'd be weird if they suddenly started eating their food that just magically appeared. ) Anyways, here's some more!

***

The next day after lunch, Sophia walked into Metro PD headquarters and asked the receptionist if Luke was in. She followed the woman’s brisk nod down an unfamiliar hallway until she heard his voice, louder and more agitated than usual. The door was open, so she rapped her knuckles on the frame. He waved her in and wrapped up his phone conversation.

“When did you get this?” She tapped her finger on a framed certificate.

“I have no idea.” Luke groaned, leaning back in his chair and rubbing his eyes. “I tell ya, some days this job wants to eat me for lunch. Where were you? You’re late.”

“You wouldn’t believe the lines at the DMV this morning. Never mind, you probably would. But it was worth the wait.” She pulled her license out of her wallet. “Nice and shiny.”

Luke took it and looked at it. “Hey, you even look good.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” She swatted his shoulder and snatched it back up. “Do you have the paperwork for me?”

“Nope. Let’s go get it right now.”

Walking through the corridors of the busy office, Sophie noticed the more than occasional glances of the other officers. As Luke stopped inside an empty office and started pulling papers out of a filing cabinet, she leaned over.

“Why were they all staring at me?” She said in a stage whisper.

“Wow, they were looking? I had no idea.” He smiled.

Sophie rolled her eyes. “What did you tell them?”

“Oh after your dramatic entrance yesterday, I didn’t have to say a thing. They all think you’re my ‘mysterious hot girlfriend.’”

She rolled her eyes again. “So is that something normal for you?”

Luke laughed. “Hardly. I think they’re in shock.”

“Really?” She smiled and crossed her arms over her chest. “I seem to recall a time when the women couldn’t stay away from you.”

“Well…” Luke paused in his search through the files, “Things have changed over the years.”

Sophie tilted her head, pondering for a moment. “Okay...”

“Here we go.” He closed the drawer abruptly and handed her a sheaf of papers. “Get working on these, and sign this one for me so we can get your records from LA.”

“Yes sir,” she replied sarcastically, then softening as she caught a glance at his face. She knew that concrete and unemotional look and it made her stomach knot every time. “Hey, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…”

“It’s okay.” He interrupted her, glancing at his watch. “If you don’t mind, I have a meeting.”

“Sure, but-”

“I really do have a meeting.”

“Fine,” Sophie forcefully dug a pen out of her purse and signed the top form, thrusting it towards him before briskly walking away. “I’ll see myself out. Have a good day.”

Yup, very good! I can't see anything wrong with this, or the first bit. Great!

Hey again =)


I'm going to be nit picky, because you're good enough to get even better ^_~

She followed the woman’s brisk nod down an unfamiliar hallway until she heard his voice, louder and more agitated than usual.

It's only one word, true, but what does this one word do? It tells me she doesn't know the hallway... yes but, assumable, she has never been here before. So... of course it is unfamiliar?

She smilingly crossed her arms over her chest.

omg... Woah. Smilingly? Haha. Since when is smiling an adverb for "to cross"? Haha. Say "She smiled and cross her..."


Cut out the ellipses (...) you use them about four or so times, and so they don't work and seem overused.

“Sure, but…”

They work her, but not really in the other places.

-Why did she get a new license? We don't know why/it doesn't really make sense to the story, and just happens.

I think you need just a wee bit of more conflict in this part. Your writing is awesome, so that saves it, but so far the only conflict is I want to know more about the relationship between these too, and was she just going to say something important to him... ? But there could be more conflict/problems/interesting stuff.

keep it up!

omg... Woah. Smilingly? Haha. Since when is smiling an adverb for "to cross"?

Well, when you put it like that... Guess I should have paid more attention in grammar, hm?

As to the license, she had just moved across the country so she would have needed a new one.

More conflict coming up. Trying to come up with an interesting plot that'll still make sense with what I've already written is a new thing for me. I usually don't start writing anything until I've thought out every detail... which is probably why I haven't been able to write lately.

Clau pretty much caught everything and beat me to it, but I did notice one grammatical error she didn't catch.

fbigoats wrote:“Oh after your dramatic entrance yesterday, I didn’t have to say a thing. They all think you’re my ‘mysterious hot girlfriend’.”

The period should be on the other side of the single quotations. Just another one of those useless English grammar rules.

Anyway, keep up the good work! ^^

-St. Razorblade

Thanks a bunch for critiquing everyone! It helps me sooo much.
(Note: These are just some transition scenes.)

*****

Sophie flung her purse down so forcefully that it just skidded right across the kitchen counter and onto the floor, spilling all its contents.

“How could they possibly know that?” she exclaimed, pausing to listen to the reply. “Okay, you know what? Just… let me think!”

She snapped her cell phone shut and almost threw it too, but then decided it wasn’t worth it. After taking a few deep breaths, she walked into her bedroom and changed into a t-shirt and shorts. A long run on the Mall would calm her temper.

*****

Luke’s boss walked into his office and slammed a stack of file folders on his desk.

He jumped. “What’s this about?”

“How well do you know your friend Sophia Nolan?”

“Fairly well, I think. I haven’t seen her in a few years but…”

“Read her file. Call somebody, talk to her, I don’t care what you do. Figure out what it’s all about and fix it.”

Luke picked up the top folder and started reading. A few minutes later he cursed. “This is so like her.” He grabbed his coat and stormed out of the building.

*****

fbigoats wrote:“How could they possibly know that?!” She exclaimed, pausing to listen to the reply. “Okay, you know what? Just… let me think!”

The S in "she" should be a small one, and get rid of the exclamation mark. It's unnecessary. ^_~

She snapped her cell phone shut and almost threw it too, but then decided it wasn’t worth it. After taking a few deep breaths, she walked into her bedroom and changed into a t-shirt and shorts. A long run on the Mall would calm her temper.

I suppose this is one that context might help, but what's the Mall?

Luke jumped. “What’s this about?”

I personally would change "Luke" to "he" because you've already used his name, but that's just my quirky self.

Methinks these shall come up soon in the story?

Hey folks... here's the next part. (Don't forget to read the short scenes I posted the other day... otherwise you'll be confused. ) This'll be it for a while, I'm leaving tomorrow for two weeks of vacation. Thanks to Claudette for giving me some advice on this part.

*****

When she got back to her apartment he was leaning against her doorjamb.

“What are you doing here?” Sophie brushed her hair out of her eyes.

“I came to talk to you about LA.”

“What about it?” She said, annoyed.

Luke stood up and crossed his arms. “It’s about you not telling me everything upfront! There comes a time when you gotta stop playing around and tell me everything! I’m tired of it!”

“Oh, I’m sorry, I guess I missed the ‘full disclosure’ clause in our friendship.” She matched his stance and rolled her eyes.

“Sophia Nolan!”

“What!”

“You killed a man!”

Sophie grimaced.

At the same moment, a nerdy-looking young man stepped out of a doorway a couple of doors down. He passed the two of them, giving them brief glances and muttering “Excuse me.”

Sophie grabbed her key out of her pocket, unlocked the door, and shoved Luke inside. She quickly shut the door and leaned against it.

“Sophie…” Luke exclaimed in exasperation.

“Look,” she said, cutting him off. “That was self-defense. The man was in my house. He was going through my things, waiting for me to come home so he could hurt me! All because one of my contacts decided ten thousand dollars was worth more to them than my life.”

“Hey, I’m not blaming you! I’m overjoyed that you’re okay! But do you really think it was a good idea to leave and move across the country?” Luke gestured around the room.

“Yes, I decided it would be a good idea to put some distance between myself and a gang that wants my head.” She said, placing her hands on her hips.

“Sophie! You were in protective custody!”

She sighed, exasperated. “They knew I couldn’t stay there Luke… When, in all the years you’ve known me, have I ever been one to just hide and hope the problems go away?”

Luke shook his head. “Why did you come here?”

“Because I need someone I can trust, someone to help me get out of this mess!”

“Does your father know?”

Sophie cringed, “Don’t bring him into this. He needs to know I can take care of myself.”


“Well, you haven’t done a good job so far,” he scoffed.
“You know what? I don’t need any more reminders of that, okay? Jim called me earlier saying their safe house was compromised and now the bad guys know I’m not in town. I came to you for help, but evidently all I’m getting is accusations.” She opened the door, glaring at him. “Would you please leave?”

Luke started to say something but she held up her hand. “Now. Please. I need to think.”

He strode out without another word and Sophie slammed the door behind him.

She started to shake. It had gotten dark and she quickly turned on the kitchen light, looking around to make sure she was alone. She glanced at the locked box on the bookshelf near the door, the knowledge that she had various means of protection somehow disturbingly comforting. The nightmares haunted her relentlessly every night, chasing away any real sleep.

The realization of what had happened began to wash over her. Suddenly the room became oppressive, her failures as a daughter and reluctance to let anyone see her vulnerabilities began to suffocate her. Calm down, deep breaths… “Oh God…” Sophie collapsed to the floor and started to sob, feeling she had lost the only real friend she had ever had and, for the first time in her life, terrified that she wouldn’t be able to get out of the mess she had gotten herself into.

*****

ooo!

I read the transition scenes, and they seemed really out of place to me. But I have a question: is there more? Because, really, if your novel is like this, it is missing good scenes. Those transition scenes just skimmed over stuff, and the first one with Sophie didn't seem to fit in IMO. Don't just randomly show stuff happening to your characters, stuff never happens like that in suspense books. We want to feel like we're living in with your MC.

As to the other part, since I'd red it all I skipped down to the end to check your "emotional" part. It looks better! Really does. You did well, I just have a few picks.

the knowledge that she had various means of protection somehow disturbingly comforting.

I think you need the verb, "was" in there some where. [unless it isn't past tense?] Either way, read over it and you'll see what I'm talking about.

her failures as a daughter and reluctance to let anyone see her vulnerabilities

I died inside. Don't tell us these things! And if you do, give us examples. "Her father thought she was a failure: she was supposed to get married and be a house wife, not join the police force and get death threats. Sophie's father stopped talking to her after that." You might want to characterize more, and ask why. Why does her father see that she fails? Or does she think she fails? And why? What in her past caused this? What is it affecting now?

But please, don't tell us. Show us, if at all possible. Same with the second part. Vulnerability is a hard thing to display, but ask, is she really a vulnerable person? Or something else? How is she vulnerable? Does she easily fall in love with men, and then they get what they want a leave her? You see what I mean

Keep it up, and if you have any questions on characterization or something, feel free to pass them by me.

EDIT: I forgot to add this. Since I did skip the new posted part, if it was very different from what you PMed me and you would like me to read it, just PM me and say so and I'll go over it =]

I absolutly love the idea. I mean this is a diamond, in raw form of corse. However I beleive if you do some major polishing, editing,and tweaking, you will have an excellent sotry. One tip, have a perent and/or friend read the storry aloud sop that you can tell where the story is confusing to read and/or just plain hard to read. I am not saying tht you have any, bit it is always better ton be safe than sorry. Now, I love your use of dialouge. Now spread out your deatails just a tiney bit.I am sorry to have to cut this short but i have to go to bed.

Oh, and welcome to the form.

Curse you Clau! You left me with almost nothing to critique that wouldn't be redundant.

Although I did say almost. ^_~

Calm down, deep breaths… “Oh God…” Sophie collapsed to the floor and started to sob, feeling she had lost the only real friend she had ever had and, for the first time in her life, terrified that she wouldn’t be able to get out of the mess she had gotten herself into.

The very first part of this confused me. You should include something about how she was telling herself to calm down and take deep breaths. For a second I thought you were patronising the reader!

Anyway, everything that Clau said + good work. I feel so corny saying that, but Clau kinda took the wind out of my sails.

-St. Razorblade