Young Writers Society

I'd love any feedback on this possible, but I do have three things I was really unsure of.

1. The first two sentences.
2. The fact that it is present tense.
3. The part that says 'sigh in relief' in the second to last paragraph.

Any suggestions on those, or anything else, will be greatly appreciated!

________

Reasons To Kill

"Sit. I’m finishing reading over your resumé.”

I nearly cringe as I hear her voice; it has hardened so much in the years since I last heard it. Will mine do the same?

Focus.

I smile at the woman, perching on the seat in front of her. My nail digs into my palm slightly to keep my mind on the task at hand.

Observe.

I take the room in, noting all exits and possible weapons if things don’t go as planned. My eyes rest on Cameron, who is still reading the papers in front of her, a small smile playing on her pale lips.

Suspect.

She recognizes me; I'm sure of it. How could she not? We were best friends for seven years. There’s no way my disguise fooled her. But does she know why I'm here?

Relax.

There's no way she could know my mission. No one knows Master's plans unless He tells them himself, and she hasn't had contact with Him in over two years.

"So," she begins, pulling me from my thoughts. She rests her chin on a loose fist, looking me in the eye for the first time in so long. "It's really taken Him two years to find me? He's really losing His touch."

Don't react.

I say nothing; simply stare back at her, nonchalant. She laughs a harsh, cruel laugh. "Thought I didn't know why you were here, Katty?"

My jaw tightens; no one calls me Katty anymore. "It's Katrina."

"Fine, Katrina." My name sounds like venom on her lips. "Why does he need me back?"

Never admit anything.

"What makes you think He needs you back?" I ask, sitting up a little taller in my chair. "He has me now."

Cameron shakes her head, looking at me as if I were a small child. "Katty, Katty, Katty. You can't honestly believe that you're better than me, can you? Face it; you've always been goody-two shoes. How can you live up to me? Murder, theft, you could never do those things."

"How would you know?" I ask, trying to appear important, but my voice isn't as strong as I would have liked. "I've already stolen for Him."

"And now you've been sent here, to murder me?"

"Exactly."

"Katty," she begins, standing up and walking around the desk to stand right in front of me. "Young, naïve, Katty. You really believe that is why He has sent you here?"

"Of course!" I reply, glancing down at the floor for a moment. She notices.

"He sent you here to get me back," she whispers, and I look up at the woman who used to be my friend. Her eyes are hollow and empty, and there's no compassion left in them. I sink into the chair, trying to add distance between us.

She leans over me, placing her hands on the armrests of my chair so I can’t escape. There’s no way I can reach my knife with her standing over me like this. "He knew I wouldn't just sit around, waiting for you to kill me." She pulls her hand back, slipping it in her pocket and revealing a simple silver knife, similar to the one in mine.

"He knew that I couldn’t just let you go after you dishonored him," she continues, examining the gleaming metal in her hand, "I’ve been trained too well. You were sent to kill me, and you failed. Now I must punish you, as I’ve been trained. You do know the punishment, don’t you, Katty?" She leans closer and whispers in my ear, “Death.”

My eyes widen, and I desperately try to talk some sense into her. "Cammy, please, we were best friends, you can't kill me…"

She continues as if I hadn’t even spoken. “And then, once I had gotten a taste of murder once more, I wouldn’t be able to resist. I’d return to Him, to do His bidding once more. To complete the murders that He’s incapable of doing Himself, to avenge those who have dishonored Him. Just like I’m going to do to you.”

“Cammy…Please…Just let me go…”

“I can’t, Katty. See, now you’ve dishonored Him, and you’ve come here to murder me. I have two reasons to kill you. I was willing to do it for one.”

She places the knife on my neck, and I feel the sharp edge of cool metal against my skin. She presses gently, just enough to draw a slight amount of blood. I squeeze my eyes shut, willing this all to simply disappear, to just be a nightmare. It isn't.

"Are you afraid?" she asks, taunting me in my last few moments.

Forget all emotion.

"No," I reply. There’s no way I am going to die a coward.

“You should be,” she whispers, then slides the metal into my neck.

I hear my Master’s voice in my head one last time, and I nearly sigh in relief, knowing it is the last time I’ll ever hear Him.

Pathetic.

all i can say is wow,,,,,,,,,i was drawn from the first paragraph, very good description of the characters and their emotions. keep going, and i willl keep reading.

This is a really good story and you didn't have to worry about anything because I thought you did a superb job. Kudos!

Woo. Very good, and the present tense is fine.

"He knew that I couldn’t just let you go after you dishonored him," she continues, examining the gleaming metal in her hand, "I’ve been trained too well..."

I think that comma should be a full stop.

That aside, I didn't see anything. Very good, and very well written! ^_^

*turnes and glances around nervously* Gulp. Very good job! You scared me .

I only have one suggestion. The mood in this piece is somewhat off. It starts out with her trying to show no emotion, trying to conceal herself and her mission. That part is fine. Then suddenly Cameron figures everything out and suddenly pulls a knife on her. At this point you should make things more sudden. First thing, Cameron is standing right in front of Katty, and Katty doesn't even think to stand up or pull her knife out or anything. Then Cameron pulls a knife out and puts it to Katty's neck, meanwhile talking about killing her. Unless Katty is super trained, (which it is obvious she is not trained/prepared for what happened) she would show at least some fear, if not freaking out. Add some fear, maybe she could try to get away right before Cameron kills her. It would make Katty much more realistic.

Besides that one suggestion it was very good . Top notch!

-the green one

Ooh... this was really really good. I don't think that any of the points you were unsure of were bad points. I very much liked the fact that this was in present tense; it added to the feeling of urgency and suspense.

I have to run, but I'll comment more later, and again, awesome job.

Muffin

To answer your question.

"Sit. I’m finishing reading over your resumé.”

I nearly cringe as I hear her voice; it has hardened so much in the years since I last heard it. Will mine do the same?

The second line of dialogue is blatantly obvious to the main character, so there would be no reason to mention it. Something like "I'll be finished in a moment." would be more appropriate.

Also, what is the business behind nearly cringe? It creates a false suspense if you use it too much.

I think you should use past tense. You can always use the imperfect to augments it and it doesn't take as much time to read.

Finally, the reason the last line is weird is because it features another "nearly" error.

This piece was well written, but weak in plot. What was going on? Yeah, I got the general gist, but the power of your writing was severely muffled by your lack of length/character development/telling (Yes, I know. Taboo. But you need some telling, every once in a while.). To tell you the truth, I didn't care. You're wonderful writing style held me in, but otherwise the story was...pointless . This story would have been infinitely more powerful and affecting if we actually knew Katty and Cammy and watched them grow up and then grow apart. You can't write a story like this without character development and length. This could be a novella, maybe a novel.

Also, anyone can kill the main character in a short story. In fact, that's the easiest way to end a short story, and I've done so many times myself. Introduce MC, follow MC throughout a page or two, kill MC. You used a template for this story. The reader will notice your lack of thought and easy-way-out plot. Work for that emotional punch by working for a unique plot. Again, I didn't care when Katty died. Bleh. So what? My advice: Write this as a longer story.

Of course, this will have it's downside also. The reader will become so attached to your character(s) (and I'm sure they will with your brilliant writing style. ) that they'll feel cheated when Katty dies and Cammy rises victorious. It's a catch-22 situation. EDIT my advice: make this a longer story and change the end so Katty lives. I don't know if you even care that much about these characters but these would be the wisest choice of action.

Suspect.

Before, the italisized thought words applied to Katty only. Relax, observe, focus. This one applies to Cammy and interupts the contingency of her thoughts.

Anyway, that's all I have time for now. I might come back later to do a line-by-line. Keep up the good work!

-Kylan

I think it is quite good. Not too descriptive. Well done!

Personally I think you had a good idea, and good detail to your story. The only problem I saw was that it wasn't long enough for me to develop any emotions for either character. My suggestion would be to make the story longer, and to show it from both girls perspective, that way, depending on the reader, they can be happy or sad if their favorite character died or lived. I be live that that increasing the length of your story and adding both character views would open up the story to more possibilities. Now don't get me wrong, your style had me captured since the first paragraph, you just need a longer story. If you wanna comment on what I have said, or if you need any more help just let me know.


Aaron.

Wow!! That was brilliant!! very good use of emotions and was a surprising end. I really liked it and am looking forward to your next story!!