Young Writers Society

Prologue

It was in the dead of night. Friday, October 13,1995.
A masked murderer silently broke through a glass window of a Los Angeles mansion. No one heard anything.

The man was big, almost fat. He was short, and had a black ski mask pulled over his face. He wore only black clothing, and only had one terrifying thought on his mind: I will kill tonight.

The masked person slowly snuck up the stairs. He had brought a weapon from his lonely home. It was a long, shiny, silver sword. He had bought it a while back, before he had murdered his third wife.

He stopped breathing so that he could hear the people sleeping inside the house. The floor was made of white marble, so when he walked, he made a slight clatter. He despised rich people. They were always boasting about how fine their jewelry was, or how big their house is. Tsk, like it even matters! I live in a shack, and do I complain?

The man took a quick breath and then took off his old, torn up shoes.

Now he could move about without being noticed. He skidded around like a mad man, but with complete silence. He crept up to a large wooden door, opened it, and saw a male child, about six years old. First to die.

He pulled out his long sword. His heart turned from cold, to freezing ice; to kill a child was evil, but to kill a fellow policeman’s child, that was horrid.

He raised the sword above the child. The plunge will have to be quick and fast; the child will scream and I will be caught.

An evil grin slowly crossed the masked killer’s face. This is my moment. Let me savor it. Let me wade in the blood of the child.

He took one last breath and then plunged the sword down.

The man wiped off the blade. Another successful kill.

He was sliding down the hall again, with the sword in his hand. He now was running to the main kill. His name was George Turner. George and the man were both policemen. George had been boasting like those idiotic rich people do. At last, I will be able to show that I can accomplish what I want!

The man opened a door slowly. This bedroom was carpeted with red and blue. George’s favorite colors…

With the sword at his side, the man walked across the large carpeted room. On a king sized bed was George and his wife, Kate. He raised the sword up in the air. Another smiled crawled through his face.

Just before he plunged the sword down, the man was attacked from behind. A sharp pain went through his side, and then in his head. He heard loud noises, shouting, and running. Then he completely blacked out.


The cops caught the man. The Turner’s house alarm went off silently when he broke through the window. The man was sentenced to ten years in prison.

“But I have a daughter! Please! No! Let me go!!” The man yelled.

The judge firmly shook his head. “Guilty!”


The next day, just before breakfast, a security guard went to go and check up on all of the prisoners. It was then that the horrified news would spread like wildfire. The murderer had escaped!

Well, this was... hm... dark. Probably not a thing to show to your dad.

I'm not sure how much I liked it - I'm not much for the let's-all-murder-a-bunch-of-people-with-an-ancient-weapon sorts of stories - and it was really scarce on details.

The catching and imprisonment of the man was really poorly done, and the whole thing needed fleshing out. For instance, this part:

He crept up to a large wooden door, opened it, and saw a male child, about six years old. First to die.

He pulled out his long sword. His heart turned from cold, to freezing ice; to kill a child was evil, but to kill a fellow policeman’s child, that was horrid.

He raised the sword above the child.

This didn't make much sense. I, personally, saw this child standing in a hallway, wearing blue pajamas, holding a teddy bear, and sucking his thumb. Most notably, he was awake.
Now, if this were so, then how could the child not notice a big dude standing over him with a sword?
I think you need to clarify what exactly the child is doing. Is he sleeping in a bed with Return of the Jedi sheets? Curled up on the chilly flagstone floor with a patchwork quilt and a G.I. Joe?

You need some details in this. I'd suggest reading this over a couple of times and seeing if you can pinpoint the problem areas. You can even rewrite the whole thing - that could be what it needs. (I'm not saying a complete makeover, I'm just saying starting over to make it better. Sometimes it's easier to do that than just tinker with what you already have.)

Good luck, and I hope you can make this better.

Peace, love, chocolate,
Muffin

OOOH! gruesome. I agree with muffin

Definitely more description, and more originality. I definitely want to see how this is continued, since it did feel exciting. I also found it to move a bit to fast for my taste. Maybe make this shorter, and save many of the facts for the first chapter? I think it would work better.

I also think you could consider delaying to reveal that the character is a villan until at least the first chapter. Actually, it's a good idea in my opinion to have the main character be a policeman, it really made me want to see how the story plays out. But, once again, I would strongly advise holding that information until later. Now onto my critique:

It was in the dead of night. Friday, October 13,1995.
A masked murderer silently broke through a glass window of a Los Angeles mansion. No one heard

First off, this is not a very exciting way to begin a story. Second, saying "masked
murderer" is WAYY to obvious a description. Find another way to make his motives clear without outrightly calling him a murderer, especially in the second sentence. Thirdly, how would someone break through a window silently? maybe elaborate on why no one heard him?

The man was big, almost fat. He was short, and had a black ski mask pulled over his face. He wore only black clothing, and only had one terrifying thought on his mind: I will kill tonight.

This is another case of overly obvious description. I suggest finding some other way to reveal the fact that he is "slightly pudgy" without just going and saying it. Same thing for the "he was short" part. Also, why is "I will kill tonight" the only thought on his mind? he must have some motive for doing these things. I think this sentence would also be helped by describing some of his emotions.

He stopped breathing so that he could hear the people sleeping inside the house. The floor was made of white marble, so when he walked, he made a slight clatter. He despised rich people. They were always boasting about how fine their jewelry was, or how big their house is. Tsk, like it even matters! I live in a shack, and do I complain?

Wow! he must have pretty good hearing! This paragraph also made me wonder about your character's background. It appears that he is poor, living in a shack, but he is also a policeman, who I am assuming generally get pretty good salaries. Is there some particular reason for him to have no money? We might be getting back to the motive idea here.......

He pulled out his long sword. His heart turned from cold, to freezing ice; to kill a child was evil, but to kill a fellow policeman’s child, that was horrid.

He raised the sword above the child. The plunge will have to be quick and fast; the child will scream and I will be caught.

An evil grin slowly crossed the masked killer’s face. This is my moment. Let me savor it. Let me wade in the blood of the child.

Hmmm, I was confused again by his motive here. One second it is almost as if he is remorseful, and the next he is basking in what seems like the joy of killing. I don't know enough of the story to tell what his motive is, but either way, a simple rewrite would be in order. I had alsoa problem with the part when he says: "the child will scream and I will be caught". Thiss implies that BECAUSE he did it fast the child will scream, but what I think you meant was that he had to do it fast, because ifhe didn't, he would scream and he would be caught.


I'm running out of time, so let me rap this up....

Just before he plunged the sword down, the man was attacked from behind. A sharp pain went through his side, and then in his head. He heard loud noises, shouting, and running. Then he completely blacked out.

How was he caught? like the previous reviewer said, you could have done better with this. Another problem I had: if there were other policemen in the house, or some other unknown entity was there to stop him, how come they didn't stop him from murdering the child? if they just got there, then what alerted them?



All in all, I think you might have a promising beginning here. But, it definitely needs some work. I hope that this review helps with a re-write

PM me with questions or comments

A masked murderer silently broke through a glass window of a Los Angeles mansion. No one heard anything.

How? Did he use the duct tape over the window trick? Breaking glass is very distinctive and highly likely to wake people. Give us some detail on how he entered the house.

The masked person slowly snuck up the stairs. He had brought a weapon from his lonely home. It was a long, shiny, silver sword. He had bought it a while back, before he had murdered his third wife.

Again...how? How did he transport the sword without being noticed? Carrying a sword in public is not advisable. Where did he get a practical sword? Most swords made these days are for show, not function.

He pulled out his long sword. His heart turned from cold, to freezing ice; to kill a child was evil, but to kill a fellow policeman’s child, that was horrid.

Policemen generally aren't rich.

He took one last breath and then plunged the sword down.

The man wiped off the blade. Another successful kill.

This is a poor transition--very jerky, very little description. For a man that loves killing, he seemed to not get very much pleasure out of it. No reaction at all.

He now was running to the main kill

There's no way he could run through the upstairs of the house, especially being fat as he is. He'd wake up the whole house.

Just before he plunged the sword down, the man was attacked from behind. A sharp pain went through his side, and then in his head. He heard loud noises, shouting, and running. Then he completely blacked out.


The cops caught the man. The Turner’s house alarm went off silently when he broke through the window. The man was sentenced to ten years in prison.

“But I have a daughter! Please! No! Let me go!!” The man yelled.

The judge firmly shook his head. “Guilty!”


The next day, just before breakfast, a security guard went to go and check up on all of the prisoners. It was then that the horrified news would spread like wildfire. The murderer had escaped!

You have a lot of continuity errors here.

Let's break it down--Turner has a silent alarm, right? Wouldn't he have run in to check on his child instead of waiting in his room for the assailant?

After that you have a very abrupt, very jerky transition to him going to jail then breaking out. That kinda thing takes weeks, even months to get going--you should give us a sense of what happened in that time, you know? Maybe a scene for the funeral of the child, maybe even just tell us--"Two months later, the man was sentenced." Ya know?

I think you have a good start--dark, morbid stuff is always thought provoking. Keep it up, hey?

--Dono

Hey guys. I know that you are anxious to find out what happens, but I don't put every little detail in here so that you will keep guessing. If I told you his motives at the very beginning, then it's not a very good mystery, now is it? Anyway, I will post the whole novel and then rewrite everything because it gets tiresome to read the same chapter over once I have rewritten it. Thanks for commenting though!!!


bigbadbear

Hey Jared.

Well everyone else went in depth and covered most of it, but I just wanted to add in my thoughts.

I like dark and gruesome so this is something that catches my eye. The only thing that bugs me is that it's rushed. I think if you lengthened out the spaces between events it could be even better. But I still liked it.

Can't wait to read more.


Lots O' Luv,
Lindsay

Okay, marvel now upon my step by step review. Hooray!

I liked the opening sentence a lot actually. You put a lot of fright in those few words, using that one word; "dead" made the tension build just a little. When you describe the masked murderer, I faltered there a little. I don't think I'm comfortable with the straight forward approach of this one thing. Instead of saying a masked murderer, you could perhaps say a masked figure/shadow? Also, you say; "No one heard anything." I think I'd change this to, "No one heard a thing." It adds a little more of that tension and also makes the reader start to feel a little edgy.

Hmm.. when reading this first opening few lines and paragraphs, I'm not a large fan of the prologue I must say. When you describe the thoughts of the male, you put it too bluntly in my opinion. Also, I think it would be nice if the thought was in italics maybe, to seperate it from the narrative text? Also, after this you begin to talk about him sneaking up the stairs, which fair enough was okay, although the structure of the paragraph seemed a little 'listy' to me, and it stopped and started.

I liked the description of the man stopping his own breathing to listen out for the sounds around the house. Creates some good imagery there. This particular paragraph is actually quite good, I liked how you kind of listed the things that 'rich people' are stereotypically thought to have. One thing I might say is that you haven;t made the man seem angry enough at them. You need to inject pure rage into the man's heart, towards these people who have more money than him.

Next, I liked how you stated that he "skidded like a mad man" after he had taken his shoes off. This actually made me laugh a little, because he is clearly deranged or something - he is described to be up for the kill - so this adds a little irony to the text. I'm not sure about the phrase; "young male child..." I think this would be better off as something along the lines of "young boy" or "small boy". I'm not so sure on this one. I liked the simpleness of the death threat after the sighting; "First to die." It adds a lot of friction into the text and reader.

Okay, so I wonder why you have structured the next four to five lines in seperate paragraphs. I think it will do nicely to place them all together, seen as though they are describing the scene and there is no speech.

When you descirbe the murder, I think that it hasn't perhaps got enough information, but then in another light, I really like this fact; because it;s sort of like a time flash.

Ooh, I like the twist. The way you suddenly introduce the two men as being alongside each other in the law starts to grip the reader and it's a really good twist to the terrible murders.

This sadly ends too abruptly, with yet again, a lack of information on the murders. Just because it is classed as a romantic fiction doesn't mean that you have to leave out the blood and gore. Also, when you say "cops" I think this should be changed to "police" 'cause it sounds as though it is slang, and slang really should only be used when a character is talking.

The ending was a little too abrupt for me. Jumped from court, to the escpae of the criminal, without anything in between . I understand that it is only a prologue, but it;s always nice to have some information to help the reader along.

Good foundations here though. Not very original on the other hand.