Young Writers Society

Nick looked around the deserted alley. His helper should be here... He winced as his shoulder throbbed.
Ordinarily, he wouldn't be out this late, and injured. But he'd gotten a good haul and didn't want to chance waiting.
Again, he cursed himself for being slow and wondered if his shoulder would ever heal. He'd been lucky to leave that fight alive.
Finally she slipped into view, a slim shadow in the dark street.
She nodded to him and hoisted a crate.

"Good, you're here," he said tersely.

Still she didn't speak. Nick nodded back and went to work.

For as long as anyone could remember, it had been a constant battle to survive. No one knew anything but slipping between buildings, taking what they could and getting away fast.

Nick had always been proud of his speed and efficiency. It had earned him the title "Nick the Flash."

His companion, Ruth, was well-known for a different reason. She took her time, assessed her target and struck where it hurt. Then she would vanish, leaving no trace.

"So," he asked, "life treating you well?"

First off, I noticed this piece had the same problems that "Jumping Jax" had. Too short. It doesn't excite the reader at all. I don't care about the story, the characters, I don't feel even the barest hint of curiosity. There's just nothing here. Bare bones, bare bones.

Remedy: write more before you post. Period. There must be some unwritten rule out there that states it is necessary to write at least five paragraphs on any story before you post. You, however my friend, post the first few pithy lines that pop into your head. You get an idea, write it down, and post. I'm not interested in that. No one is. We want plot, real characters, sharp dialogue. You can't give us that in under 200 words. Plan your story, dream your story, live your story...and then write it. Novel writing - any writing - is not for the impulsive. No one will take you seriously unless you write something longish, well thought out, and sincere.

This can all be fixed, to an extent, if you write more of an idea before opening it up for all the world to see.

The story itself:

It's choppy. The sentences all seem to be around the same length and you mainly stick to descibing action. Take time to coax some style out of this story. Describe the setting, do some more internal dialogue, use varying sentence lengths. Choppiness is a major downfall of any piece of writing.

Nick nodded back and went to work.

What did go back to work on? What was he working on before the woman showed up?

"Nick the Flash."

Ugh. Cliche and trite. Leave it out or think up a more creative name.

"So," he asked, "life treating you well?"

This is question you'd ask a schoolmate or a friend or a cousin you haven't seen for a while. Generally, people don't start shooting the bull whilst participating in clandestine activities. Be more realistic. The dialogue between these two people would be tense and staccato. The man is bleeding, for pete's sake! Who cares how life is treating his Holder?

Anyway. Hope my advice helped.

-Kylan

Your title is interesting (why is why I clicked on it), but Kylan is right. It's too short. You need make the scene longer, and explain what's going on.

You do have good description "he winced as his shoulder throbbed" "a slim shadow in a dark street" for example.

i agree wiht kylan you need more meat on them bones....lol.... but the power of your descriptions flow well, i hope you write more and longer on this topic because this site aint here for asking wheter story ideas are good. were here to read your stories and enjoy them along with helping you get better.

have funwriting!

^.^