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Café Foolsdrop



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Fri Dec 07, 2007 1:23 am
EliteHusky says...



A glimpse of sunlight broke through the cloudy sky above, rendering the ground with a moment of bliss for just mere seconds. As quickly as it had appeared, the sunlight was gone and William, along with Mrs. Gimico, were at the front leading the way towards the café they were nearby only an hour ago. Thomas was behind them with Charlie who had taken this opportunity to find out what had happened in the alleyway.

“Hold on a sec mate! That man, Gregory you said his name was, he had Mrs. Gimico’s dog?” he asked profoundly.

“Yes,” Thomas replied as he scratched his sleeve where Elizabeth had grabbed him, this gesture was not missed by Charlie who stared at his arm.

“So, Elizabeth, what happened to her, is she working for that man?”

William interrupted from ahead, “We don’t know for sure but she seemed awfully attached to that Gregory.”

They had reached the café as William pushed the sea-green door and went inside holding it open for Mrs. Gimico. It was a very comfortable atmosphere; four seats around wooden tables with red cushions on each of them, seated by the windows. As Charlie went to the waitress at the head William headed towards the payphone on the wall on the opposite side of the building that had been redecorated to show pride towards St. Patrick’s day which was coming up shortly after Thomas’s birthday. He and Mrs. Gimico sat down facing each other as Charlie started hitting on the waitress.

“So, you’ve been working here for one month?” he asked her anxiously.

“Two months actually,” she replied smiling while parting her ear-length long brown hair.

Thomas couldn’t help but smile as Charlie patted his blonde hair and apologized.

“Okay!” William emerged surprising Thomas as he lost sight of Charlie, “Mum and Dad want us to head back home immediately but they reckon we should wait out the storm.”

“You’re a married mother of three!” Charlie shouted behind William who turned around allowing Thomas to see what was happening. A black haired man rose up from the seat ahead of them and began to head towards the exit. Thomas glanced at his noticeable ranger boots before returning his attention to Charlie who seemed to be completely shocked as he turned around and walked slowly towards them.

“She’s married,” he spoke quietly his voice shaking.

William sat down on an empty chair, “we’ve heard.”

The two of them filled each other in more completely of their situation and what had happened before as Thomas stared out of the large glass windows. Mrs. Gimico also seemed to be looking at the scenery outside although he sure she was just resting her head. The black Belgian Sheepdog was sitting quietly next to her and seemed to have position it’s own collar back on it’s head.

The trees were swaying as a cool but salty breeze blew towards Thomas’s face. He closed his eyes momentarily and reopened them quickly observing the glass window that was to his right.

“Did anyone else feel that?” he asked, turning towards William and Charlie as he pointed towards the window with his right index finger.

“Feel what?” Charlie replied before swallowing something, as Thomas noticed that his lips somehow had breadcrumbs on them.

“Did you order anything?” Thomas asked uncertainly resting his arm back on the table.

“You’ve got crumbs on your lips mate,” William explained handing a napkin from his pocket to Charlie. “No Thomas, Charlie just wrapped a sandwich and stuck it in his pocket before we left home.”

“I can’t help it if I make half-decent sandwich’s, not like the one’s you made, mind you, that nearly made Rebecca choke last semester.

“Continue Thomas,” William gestured after Charlie gave him a look of apprehension.

“I felt a breeze blow through the window, straight towards my face!”

“Did you see a tree-dweller?” Charlie asked leaning towards him”

“No! What? I just felt a breeze, but the window it made of glass!”

Charlie straightened his posture, “There’s your problem! The window looks like its made out of glass, but it isn’t!”

“What is it made from then?” William asked, joining in.

Charlie unzipped his green jacket and took out two more sandwiches placing one next to Mrs. Gimico and Thomas, “Don’t ask me! It’s the building’s owners who decide the material and the shade but judging from this café it looks like it be just about any kind of enchanted material you can think of.

“William was staring at Charlie in surprise, “no sandwiches for me!”

“I’m really sorry but I only made one extra….”

“Here,” Thomas said handing his wrapped sandwich to William, “you can have mine.”
“No, that’s fine Thomas, you can keep it while order something for all of us! Service!”

The silver doors behind the woman opened as a man dressed in a black blazer and pants came out and walked towards them.

“Welcome to Café Foolsdrop the main match will be starting soon, but in the meantime, what will you be having?”
Last edited by EliteHusky on Sun Dec 07, 2008 12:56 pm, edited 2 times in total.
  





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Fri Dec 07, 2007 1:36 am
Wolf says...



A glimpse of sunlight broke through the cloudy sky above rendering the ground with a moment of bliss for just mere seconds.


I'm not sure I like that as an opening sentence. The opening sentence to Chapter/piece of writing should catch the readers attention right away, and for yours I felt like it was dragging on and on.
Either way, there should be a comma after 'above'.

As quickly as it had appeared, the sunlight was gone, William and Mrs.Gimico were at the front leading the way towards the café they were nearby only an hour ago.


The part that I underlined isn't quite grammatically correct. :?
To fix it, you could do something like this:
As quickly as it had appeared, the sun shine was gone and William, along with Mrs. Gimico, were at the front leading the way towards the cafe....(etc)

“Yes,” Thomas replied as he scratched his sleeved where Elizabeth had grabbed him, this gesture was unmissed by Charlie who stared at his arm.


Another one of those grammatical no-no's. :(
And 'sleeved'...shouldn't it just be 'sleeve'?
Also, 'unmissed' isn't a real word. :?
You can fix this by saying:
"Yes," Thomas replied as he scratched his sleeve where Elizabeth had grabbed him. This gesture was [insert word here] by Charlie, who stared at him through narrowed eyes.

They had reached the café as William pushed the moss green door and went inside holding it open for Mrs. Gimico.


I'm not sure about the way you described the door as being 'moss green'. Moss can be a whole variety of colours, so...you might want to specify, or just use something else like 'jade green' or 'emerald'' etc.

It was a very comfortable atmosphere four seats around wooden tables with red cushions on each of them, seated by the windows.


There should be a semi-colon after 'atmosphere'.

I don't have the time to critique the whole thing, but let me tell you: there are quite a few more mistakes. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but there are. >.<
You've developed your characters to a reasonable degree, but I think you could make this A LOT more interesting by throwing in some metaphors and similes/imagery. But maybe that's just me. I'm a freak for description.

Anyways, work on this a bit. It has potential.

Keep writing,
Ayra :)
everything i loved
became everything i lost.


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Fri Dec 07, 2007 2:09 am
Teague says...



Hello there!

As for positives, you have some good imagery and some textured characters. They're beginning to feel pretty realistic.

One major problem I've noticed is your tendency to have awkward, run-on sentences. A bit of proofreading should be able to spot them all. Or you could try reading this aloud, which might also help.

A glimpse of sunlight broke through the cloudy sky above rendering the ground with a moment of bliss for just mere seconds.

You need a comma after "above." But the imagery here is really well done.

the sunlight was gone, William and Mrs.Gimico were at the front leading the way towards the café they were nearby only an hour ago.

A few issues with this sentence: you need an "and" before William, a space after Mrs., and what were they at the front of? Also, there seems to be an overload of description here, which is unhealthy. Makes readers cringe a bit. The next sentence in this paragraph has the same problem.

he asked profoundly.

Meh... that adverb seems totally awkward. I'd get rid of it.

I'm also not sure what the plot to this story is. Your run-ons and grammatical mistakes really cloud whatever it is that you're trying to say. I recommend reading it aloud, running it through some proofreading, and trying to catch all your errors. There's far too many for me to point out.

But! I see the beginnings of something good here. Keep working at it! ^_^

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Fri Dec 07, 2007 3:46 am
kokobeans says...



Nice work.
I really like the way you add details like the characters movements to the conversation.
Your descriptions could do with a little work. Try imagining the scenes clearly before you start writing, jot down a few main things that catch your attention. For example, the sky doesn't do much for the scene. Maybe make one character look at it for a while, or show how the sun affects teh cafe, if it makes a sillouette, or if it lights it up.
I also love the idea of the sandwiches, it's an insignificant detail that still helps to build up the character personalities.
Keep up the good work.
  








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