Young Writers Society

First off, don't say it sucks. This is never good. Always be positive. After all, I don't think it sucks. I actually think that the overall idea is quite good. You just need to work on the writing and grammar a bit more.

I won't bore you with grammar critiques, as you already have had them pointed out. However, try reading it backwards, one sentence at a time. This might really help you pin down grammar mistakes. Or, if grammar is not your strong suit, hand it off to a friend. That normally helps.

Keep trying! It's almost there.

well, actually, this was for my elt class (I get to write!).... and she collects our writing and grades them. The sad part is..... I don't have mine back yet. Don't know when I'll get it back. This is one reason why I have issues editing it... and that's also why i can't type the rest of the chapter (so no, it's not a cliffhanger.) Sorry about that. But thanks, and I will edit it (but i don't have enough time now.) Thanks.

I think you should elaborate on who this KING is. It's a little unclear who your parents are, too. Besides that and telling and not showing, it's great! Very spooky at the beginning, and I liked the way you described the official's different weapons and their rankings.

I felt you put work in it I saw nothing like big wrong with it. Change things if you want but I like it the way it is.