Young Writers Society

Sorry, taking it down

Hey nice job! I really like the way you wrote this. From what I can tell you don't have that many grammer mistakes, but then again I'm not the best at grammer. Will you pm me when the sixth part comes out?

Thanks!

~Rory Lewis~

Yeah, no problem, it might be a few days through. We just go our new classes so I'm working on getting adjusted, but it shoudln't be more than a few days.

I'm glad you liked it! And welcome to YWS.



LP

It's good, but she seemed to just be overreacting when she'd been pretty happy with everything beforehand, and she'd been able to put up with the shrinks.

–I hate this place, and I hate shrinks.

You forgot to put quotation marks at the end, and you shouldn't start sentences with a dash.

He grinned. This one was easy on the smile, both in the execution and in the fall. “Do you ramble often?” He asked from under his silver mask.

I probably should have asked this earlier, but is the mask full-face or does it just cover part of it, because if it's full-face she shouldn't be able to see him grinning.

I’m leavening behind a collage education with those guitars.”

You mean leaving and college.

Let’s not forget the cross bow in the back.

Crossbow is one word.

“My job was not to be fun, it was to keep you alive.” he growled. “Though I think you may not worth the effort.”

“Hey, watch it, mask boy, I have a crossbow at my feet.” I growled.

You've used growled twice here, it looks a little awkward.

And here I only though you where a few years older than me.

You mean thought.

I’m assuming your you’re armed as well

Take out the 'your'.

to take out both Cyclopes and Medusa.

Cyclops doesn't have an 'e'.

Was it that he had said too much? I decided the waters needed some testing, “What? Said too much?” I asked him.

If you're going to have her ask if he said too much, you shouldn't specify that she thought that beforehand, it's obvious from her asking the question.

Good work. PM me when you're done with chapter six.

-Billy

Hi guys, we're having some major computor problems, so it might be a little longer before I can post the next chapter.

Thanks for taking the time to stick with the story, I know it needs a bit more work, and I really appreciate it.


Thanks!

LP

Im not sure about this sentence:

You said:
I slammed open the front door, and slammed it closed, locking the door, to delay Ted from entering.

Several things here... You used the word door twice, and slammed doesn't fit. You dont slam a door open, and when you close it, you should say 'slammed it to a close'

You also said slam two sentences ago...

Othre than that irritating part, I really liked it! Very good use of words

Keep writing!!

Aedomir

It's a very good read but in the first few paragraphs I couldn't quite figure out what was happening. It was somewhat unclear. It needs a point too, however. More plot is needed, I think. Overall it's quite good. Plot, how clear it is is what you should work on with this piece. Thanks for writing! Is there going to be more?

Hey i thought this was great and very entertaining.

Also the dialog was cool. but i didn't understand it, which was real shame as i haven't read the other parts so i would be thank full if you could pm them to me.

Anyway I'm not much for grammar so ill just say one thing. keep going it was a good piece.





______________________________________

Ever since the crash on 11/05/07 my memory has gone.

Who am i.

~~~~Amnesia

Hey i thought this was great and very entertaining.

Also the dialog was cool. but i didn't understand it, which was real shame as i haven't read the other parts so i would be thank full if you could pm them to me.

Anyway I'm not much for grammar so ill just say one thing. keep going it was a good piece.





______________________________________

Ever since the crash on 11/05/07 my memory has gone.

Who am i.

~~~~Amnesia