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Young Writers Society


This Is Not the End



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Sat Feb 23, 2008 5:58 am
Kelsey Logan says...



I will only be posting this first part, so if you want to read the rest pm me and I'll get it to you.


1

Reese couldn’t take any more. She was tired of the yelling, and fighting. Her parents didn’t think she knew about the portal, yet she’d known for almost a month. It’d just taken her a while to gather her courage.

The portal was said to be unstable and dangerous; therefore, no one had tried to go through. There was great argument as to where the portal actually ended, but there was no technology to find out. Very little technology still existed.

Reese had grown up in the hellish world known as the Greater Depression. Several government agencies had been shut down, and the former employees had demanded pay. Fearing a rebellion, the higher-ups paid them. People that had retained their jobs didn’t take well to this, wondering why they didn’t get paid for not doing anything. Riots ran through the streets, burning through resources like wildfire.

Democracy failed and the government disappeared. Traveling caravans went from town to town, looking for food, shelter, and clothing. It was on one of these missions that the portal was found in the back of an abandoned electronics store. A charred skeleton lay by it, not a good sign.

Now, Reese crept around the skeletal remains, looking into the endless blue of the portal’s edges. She closed her eyes and walked into it, knowing it was all or nothing now. A short scream was all that escaped as she was torn away from solid ground.


The blackness was solid and crushing, pulling the breath from her lungs as it wiped away all coherent thought. Darkness was so complete, like a starless universe. An idea had just begun to form in her mind when she met the ground.


Reese hit the asphalt hard, rolling a couple of times before laying deathly still on the edge of the cul de sac.


Ben saw a bright flash through all of the windows in his house, particularly the one in the front room. He walked over to it and looked outside to see Reese lying in the street in front of his well-groomed lawn.

He ran out to her, finding that her brown hair was caked in blood. She let out a small whimper as he touched her cheek.


2

Reese woke up in a messy bedroom and cautiously sat up. Her right shoulder was bandaged. She fought her way through the clothes littering the floor to get to the bedroom’s door.

The door opened when she pulled the knob, so she walked out into a short hallway. She could hear voices in a room farther down the hall.

Peering around the doorway, Reese saw a boy her age arguing with a slightly younger girl. The girl turned toward Reese in shock. The boy quickly grabbed Reese and dragged her back to the bedroom.

“Who are you?” Reese asked suspiciously.

“I’m Ben. And that’s my sister Angie.” He gestured toward the hallway. “Who are you?”

“Um…Reese.” She pressed her hand against her throbbing temple.

“Where are you from?” Ben asked gently.

“I don’t really live in one place,” Reese muttered. “What year is this?”

“2065,” Ben replied. “Why?”

“I came from 2102,” Reese stated. Ben jumped, not expecting such a strange answer.

“Are you okay?” Ben asked, his piercing blue eyes filling with concern. He wasn’t sure why he believed her, but he did.

Reese shook her head uncertainly. She stared at Ben, trying to figure out why he seemed so familiar.

Angie burst into the room. “You’d better hide her. Mom’s home,” she said to Ben.

“Stay here,” he said to Reese as he left the room.

Later that night Ben reentered his bedroom to find Reese lying asleep on his bed. He gently shook her, and she jumped up, fully awake and ready to fight.

Ben stood in shock, unable to move. Reese took a less defensive stance, feeling slightly embarrassed.

“Sorry,” she mumbled. “You never know when you have to get up and run.”

Ben nodded as he sat down on his bed. Reese sat down next to him, strangely close. He glanced over at her, wondering what she was thinking.

“You’re lucky,” she said, without looking at Ben.

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“You live with both of your healthy parents in an actual house.”

“How are you parents?”

“My dad’s a total jerk, and my mom’s sick. She had a miscarriage a couple of years back. Messed her up really bad.”

Reese had a distant look in her eyes, and Ben instinctively reached out to hold her hand. She looked over at him, eyes glistening with tears. He wiped a sliding tear away, using it as an excuse to be closer to her.

Their eyes met a moment before their lips.


3

Reese stared at the ceiling, listening to the steady slowness of Ben’s breathing. He was lying on a couch across the room, his back facing Reese. Her mind chose that moment to wander back to her parents. She hoped they were okay, but she also found it hard to care.


Reese’s father, Alex, paced in her room. Back and forth, back and forth, as if repetition would make things all right again. She’d been gone for almost three days, and none of the others had seen her. There was only one possibility left, the portal.


Ben and Reese were talking when Angie burst into the room. Her face was flushed, and her burgundy ponytail was coming undone.

“I just heard at Lanie’s house,” she said breathlessly. “There’ve been shootings in the city. People are rioting and stealing everywhere.”

Reese’s head reeled as she realized why the two siblings were so familiar.

“It’s starting,” Reese whispered, as Angie stared at her in an irritated manner.

“What the hell are you on?” Angie turned and left.

“What’s starting?” Ben asked, looking into Reese’s hazel eyes.

“The beginning of the end. I know who you are.”

Ben nodded for her to continue.

“Benjamin and Angela Tay. You go to a peaceful rally after your parents are killed. You get shot, instating a riot. Angie is killed soon after, as is an unidentified friend. Me.”

“How do you know all this?” Ben asked.

“You become something of a legend to us travelers. The one that ruined it all.” Reese smiled nervously, contemplating if she should have divulged this information. “That’s how the story goes, anyway.”

“What about my parents?” he asked.

“I’m sorry.” She tried to keep her voice from shaking. “They’re already dead.”

Ben’s eyes filled with tears. “Are you sure?”

Reese nodded miserably, not meeting the sorrow in Ben’s piercing eyes.

“Angie?” Ben sobbed loudly. Angie walked into the bedroom. “Call Mom’s cell.”

Angie pulled out her cell phone and speed-dialed the number. She stood impatiently, hearing only a dial tone.

“No answer. She always answers,” Angie said in a defeated monotone. Tears ran down her cheeks as she leaned against the doorframe for support.


Ben, Reese, and Angie got into his car and started it up. The streets were deserted, as were the houses and stores. The government had lost all control, and rallies went up and down all the city’s streets. Many had already been killed in ever-spreading riots.

“We need to get out of here,” Ben said, as he floored the gas pedal. “The only way out is through the riot zones.”

As they got closer to the larger city, the riots became more evident. Cars were left abandoned on streets, impossible to drive through.

Ben led the way, weaving deftly through the frozen traffic. Angie followed close behind, clinging to Ben’s arm, while Reese was lagging behind.

They could hear a rally up ahead, but they couldn’t maneuver around it. They would have to go through it. Their human chain was almost through when the first shot was fired.


4

Screams echoed in the streets as Reese, Ben, and Angie struggled to stay together. The crowd surged in all directions as gunshots rang through the air. No one had gotten hit, yet.

Reese cried out as Ben and Angie were torn away from her. She was lost in the raging crowd, utterly alone. And still the shots continued.

Reese heard a scream louder than all the others and turned towards it. She fought through the people until she was at the edge of the crowd and broke away.

Angie was kneeled over Ben on the sidewalk. A sound tore from Reese’s mouth that was so full of anguish it hardly sounded human. She ran to Ben, who was fading fast. He could hardly keep his eyes open.

A small crowd was gathering around the two crying girls and the dying boy. Resolve showed on their faces as they turned to walk back to the shooters.

Reese sobbed over Ben, oblivious to everything else. There was a large bullet lodged in his left shoulder, and blood seeped out of it in a scarlet stream.

“We need to get him out of here,” she said to a weeping Angie, who nodded.
Last edited by Kelsey Logan on Sun Aug 03, 2008 10:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.
KTL :P
  





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Sun Feb 24, 2008 5:36 am
Teague says...



Hello there! I don't think I've seen you around YWS before? My name is Saint and I shall be your critiquer today. :D

Aww, this is all you're going to post? :( Oh well. I'd better do what I can, then! =D

She was tired of the yelling, and fighting.

Extraneous comma after "yelling."

Your third and fourth paragraphs are totally unnecessary. You don't need to throw exposition at your reader all at once -- it's best to show them through action, setting, and descriptive language. What you have right now is what's called an "info dump" and is highly boring to your reader and does nothing for your story. It's best to avoid these at all costs.

It'd also be better if you lengthen the sections -- just to give your readers a better feel for your story and for your characters. Right now your story is kind of flat because there's no chance for me to connect with your characters. And trust me, that's crucial to a story. You can connect with readers through emotion, action, and vibrance.

No real complaints for the rest... Your grammar is decent enough, so I didn't catch too many errors. That and I'm kind of brain dead. Anyway...

So yeah. Definitely spice this up with some more length and less info dumping. Give your readers a real chance to connect and identify with your characters. All you have is straight up action right now -- which in excess is unhealthy.

PM me if you have any questions.

-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate :pirate3:
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"Teague: Stomping on your dreams since 1992." -Sachiko
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If a story is in you, it has to come out.
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