Young Writers Society

Scared I run as fast as I can. I another shot rang off in the distance. Dashing into the woods for cover. No light came through the think tall trees. As black as it could be I couldn't see two feet in front of me. That meant nether could the shooters.

My lungs start to burn like fire gasping for air. My legs feel like jello but I don't dare stop. Running deeper and deeper into the forest I start to slow down. Gasping I sit down on a cold damp log. Looking around I had no idea were I was or how far I had traveled into the woods.

The wind cold against my warm face I see something white running toward me. Squinting my eyes to see what it is. Then I realize it is a wolf but this wolf is bigger then most. Not knowing if it was friendly or not but I wasn't standing around to find out.

Running again as fast as my legs would. Tired and exhausted I did not run very fast. Looking behind me I see the wolf has almost caught up to me. My heart racing I push myself to run faster.

I look behind me again it still chasing me. Not paying any attention I trip over a root crashing to the ground hitting my head off a rock then nothing. Darkness took over me and I was out cold.

(Note: I know about all the spelling and grammar other things that may help me please.)

^_^ Prepare yourself for questions, it's how I seem to comment these days.

Scared,[add comma] I run as fast as I can. I another shot rang off in the distance. [this is present tense, firt person, right? I think you're missing a word between I and another. Maybe: "I hear another shot ring off in the distance." Second point, if it's in the distance, why is she trying to get to cover so fast? How far is 'the distance?'. Can they see her? If not, who are they shooting at? If they are shooting at her, then why aren't any of the shots falling near her?]Dashing into the woods for cover.[Hmmm. I don't like this sentence. But maybe it works. They sound very cut up, as if she doesn't have the time to think. I'd still think 'I dash into the woods for cover' or 'I'm dashing into the woods for cover' or something. Think about it.] No light came through the thick,[comma] tall trees. As black as it could be,[comma?] I couldn't see two feet in front of me. That meant nether could the shooters.
Okay, this whole last bit in italic I think you should look at.

No light came through the thick, tall trees.

Came : Past tense, you need to change it to present, since that is the narration tense you started with. 'No light was comming through the thick, tall trees'

As black as it could be, I couldn't see two feet in front of me.

Hmm. I think you mean 'It was so black that...' or something of the sort. If you're going to use 'as black as it could be', you need a subject. 'The forest was as black as it could be'. Though I don't know if you should use 'could', since that implies the forest is consciously making a choice to be dark as oposed to simply being dark.
My lungs start to burn like fire gasping for air. My legs feel like jello but I don't dare stop. Running deeper and deeper into the forest I start to slow down. Gasping I sit down on a cold damp log. Looking around I had no idea were I was or how far I had traveled into the woods.

That means neither could the shooters.

This sentence feels like it should be attached to the previous one, or changed so it can stand along. 'Luckily, that meant neither could the shooters.'

Okies. Overall impressions! This is good. I personally have never used the first person, present tense narrative. I find it very hard to work with. =P I salute you. However, if you want to make this better I would suggest you add some emotion! It's first person, so more than any other POV we should have insight into her feelings. She's running, yes, but is she doing this out of fear? Had she got a plan? Is she actually just leading them around to the deaths? Show us what she feels and thinks, otherwise it may as well be third person.

The wind is cold against my warm face [comma or period!] I see something white running toward me. Squinting my eyes to see what it is. ['I squint my eyes to see what it is.' Squinting can't work there unless you give the sentene something more: 'Squinting my eyes to see what it is, I realize it is a wolf--but this wolf is bigger than most'] Then I realize it is a wolf but this wolf is bigger then most. Not knowing if it was friendly or not but I wasn't standing around to find out. [If you were going to start with 'Not knowing if it was freandly or not...' then you need to write something like this: 'Not knowing if it was friendly or not, I decide not to stand around to find out.'<because the first part needs to be followed by something that completes its meaning. If you want to end with 'but I wasn't standing around to find out.', then you need to change to begin to something like 'I didn't know if the wolf was friendly or not.' Oh! And your tense is off, present tense, remember? 'Not knowing if it IS friendly or not, I decide I'm not standing around to find out.']

Running again as fast as my legs [s]would[/s]can. Tired and exhausted,[comma] I did not run very fast. Looking behind me I see the wolf has almost caught up to me. My heart racing,[comma] I push myself to run faster.

I look behind me again,[semi colon?] it still chasing me. Not paying any attention [I'd change this, you make it sound like she does it on purpose. 'I'm not paying attention and I trip...'] I trip over a root and go crashing to the ground,[comma] hitting my head off a rock--then nothing. Darkness took over me and I was out cold.

You did it in a lot of places, so I will say it again: tense. Pick either present, or past. Is she saying 'I am' or is she saying 'I was'? You switch between them often, which I can understand since I am so used to past tense. =P Still, you need to make it consistent, or you will confuse your readers. ^_^

Overall:
1) Emotions. And thoughts. First person gives you the power to show us both of these. Take advantage of it. As each thing happens, as yourself: how does she feel about this? what is she thinking? why did she choose to do that?
2) The hunters. She was being followed by people, right? She seems to get distracted by the wolf comming her way...but still. Does she forget about them? Does she end up running back towards them to avoid the wolf?
3) Sentence structure. Make sure if you start off your sentence with something, the second half completes it. You only do it a few places, but sometimes you didn't quite finish the meaning.

You did very well. This is nice! I'm kind of curious to find out what happens to her. =P I'm already guessing at what happens next. XD Good luck! Hope this helped.

^_^ Keek!

I think it's sort of cliche. You've got a lot of grammatical errors in this, too.

But if you made it a bit longer, and elaborated more, and also employed the use of emotions, I think you'll do much better. And also, try to make some of the changes that Valor suggested.

--Serena.

Hello there! Welcome to YWS! My name is Saint and I shall be your critiquer today. *bows*

Holy cow... the first area you need to work on is definitely your spelling and grammar. You have a lot of errors, too many for me to point out. It'd be best to ask someone to proofread it for you (someone trusted, like an English teacher) and mark up all the errors, because there are a lot of them. So many that it really detracts from your story.

All of the incomplete sentences really hurt your story. It's hard to get a clear and concise picture of what's going on because most of your sentences are fragments. And... honestly, I'd like to offer more advice, but your grammar is messing up your story so much that it's impossible to suggest any other changes at this point.

Definitely work on your spelling and grammar. Check some grammar guides out of the library. Check dictionaries and MS Word Spell Check for your spelling. Get a human to read your work, in order to copy edit. And once you've finished that, then I can really help you.

PM me if you'd like me to quit being lazy and help you with your grammar.

-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate