Young Writers Society

this is in the process of editing


-really sorry

Since I'm into pirates I like the subject matter of this, but a lot of changes are needed:

The first paragraph is way too much telling not enough showing. It actually made me think that you are starting the story long after you should start it. Why not start it with the death of her father? Or when she first starts on her journey? Or before she meets Shiloh?

You should let information, like how her father died and how the rest of the people view pirates, come out naturally during the story. Therefore I think you should delete the first paragraph completely; keep all the information, just use it later. For example, there’s no need to mention how she feels about Shiloh until Shiloh actually shows up in the story.

The story begins with present tense and then switches to past. Choose one.

Narin was master of the blade, a fantastic healer, she could even use powerful magic far behond her level. All in all, she was feared by all.

You need to make sure your main character has flaws. She can’t be good at everything. You might want to check out the Mary-Sue Litmus Test.

There are a lot of grammatical errors. For one thing, when there is dialogue a new paragraph usually starts. Look at this thread about dialogue grammar.

Narin was asleep in her corridors

Aren’t corridors hallways? Maybe you mean “quarters.”

Don’t under estimate Narin, her apperence mabe like a innocent little girl but she was a fearce fighter.

I don’t think it’s necessary to point out that she’s a fierce fighter, because we’ve already got that idea.

She brushed her jet-black hair

Once you’ve mentioned her hair color once, you don’t really need to mention it again.

Here would be a version of your story with less grammatical errors and such:

A ship sailed through the sea. The captain was a young girl. Like her father before her, she was born to be the captain. Her father had been killed by the queen’s army for being a pirate. Of course they were pirates, and she was the youngest of them all. Her name was Narin Elizabeth Seoul. Narin is what they called her. Narin was a master of the blade and a fantastic healer. She could even use powerful magic far beyond her leve. She was feared by all. I suppose you could call her an outlaw, rejected by others since birth. She had been marked as the pirate queen with a long snake tattoo that wrapped around her arm. She had jet-black hair, purple eyes, and pointed ears. All pirates had pointed ears. Narin was in search of what many would call a myth or a legend. Narin knew better, though. It was real. She had seen it. She had in fact been born there, “The Palace of the Moon,” home of the moon spirit, her mother. This palace, however, was cursed to spend the rest of eternity to float on the sea, never to touch land again. It was the great moon spirit’s own fault. She did something horrible. She fell in love with a pirate. Falling in love with a pirate was like murdering one’s own people. Pirates were considered filth, mutant humans. They were looked down upon by all “normal” beings. Narin no longer cared what she was. All she cared about now was herself, her crew, her mother, and a boy her own age. His name was Shiloh. She had found Shiloh on an island. He had been left there to die by his own crewmates, but Narin had fallen in love with him. He had no idea. She loved his auburn hair, and his big blue eyes. Like her, he was marked by the great queen of pirates. He had a tattoo of a dragon on his back. It is now that our story begins, the story of Narin, Queen of Pirates, Queen of the Sea.

Narin was asleep in her quarters, dreaming of her mother and father.

“Queen Narin, you must wake up,” came the scratchy voice of Salom, a boy a few years older than her. He had bleached hair from the sun, green eyes, and an earring. He was tall and muscular, and of course had pointed ears like all of her crew members.

“I thought I told you just call me Narin. That worked perfectly fine before,” she said in a low growl.

“Yes, ma’am, I’m sorry.”

Salom left the room, leaving Narin alone once more. Her room was a good size. She slept in a hammock covered with silk blankets and pillows her father had bought her before he died. There were bookshelves full of books, maps, and scrolls. She had a very large dresser under her hammock with all of her clothes and jewelry, and a large stained-glass window with the moon spirit and the first Queen of Pirates all over it. Narin jumped out of her hammock and she quickly washed and dressed. She put on a green pirate woman dress, a red coat, green slip-on shoes, and a necklace made of shells. She grabbed her sword and its sheath. Don’t underestimate Narin; her appearance may have been like an innocent little girl, but she was a fierce fighter. She left her room, closing the small wooden door behind her. Ass he walked up the stairs her crew stopped everything they were doing and saluted her. This frustrated her.

“What do all of you think you’re doing? Get back to work.”

Narin’s father was the King of Pirates and since he was no longer with them she was now Queen. You did not have to be married to become Queen. As long as you had the blood of a pirate King or Queen you were royalty.

Shiloh jumped down from his watch post. His auburn hair was messed up, like always.

“Your majesty,” he said, bowing down sarcastically.

Narin blushed and then she became serious once again. “Tell me, which way is the wind blowing?” she asked.

“Northwest,” Shiloh answered.

“Perfect, we shall stop in Port Dantle. Supplies are running low.”

“Yes, ma’am,” everybody answered at once.

“I told all of you to stop doing that,” Narin called, more angry than usual. “If anybody needs me I’ll be in my quarters.”

Narin took her coat and dress off, putting on black leg tights. Then she noticed her tattoo, her marking. She looked at it for a while. Then she put on her scarlet-colored shirt, slipped on one long, black glove over the tattoo, and put on a black vest. She brushed her hair and put on some earrings that her father gave her.

Knock, knock, knock.

“Come in,” she called.

It was Shiloh. He looked worried.

“Narin, what’s wrong?” he asked.

“What do you mean?”

He never answered. He knew Narin didn’t really mean that she had no idea what he was talking about. The truth was he already knew what was wrong. He came and sat beside Narin, looking right into her big purple eyes. “You know, Narin, you can’t deny what you are.”

He was right, she couldn’t. Shiloh was so understanding when it came to her problems. She loved him. Shiloh leaned in closer to kiss her. So did Narin, but then the door swung open and Salom called, “We are he—”

His face turned red to see them so close together. They weren’t kissing, but close to it. Shiloh and Narin moved back away from each other.

“I am so sorry if I interrupted you.” Salom ran out of the room.

Narin’s face was now a deep shade of red, but so was Shiloh’s.

“Uh…well…I’m gonna just go help get the boat ready.” Shiloh ran out of the room.

Before Salom left, Narin saw the hatred in his face. Before they had found Shiloh on the small island, she and Salom had liked each other. Then they had grown apart and started fighting. Her father and Shiloh had been very close friends. His last instructions to Shiloh were to take care of his daughter.

“Narin, you must see this,” someone yelled.

Narin ran as fast as she could to the deck. There in the distance was Port Dantle. Everything they could see was on fire.

VERY nice. besides the few grammar mistakes, it is very good, since i have a taste for pirates. However, there are some mistakes. After describing something once, you don't have to repeat the description again. you should describe more about her father's death, and the blood in her body (the royalty which flows in it) possibly explain about her mother more?

Then she noticed her tattoo, her marking. She looked at it for a while.

this sentence is not really needed, because you have already elaborated on her tattoo.

You are also describing things too often, without elaborating more. This sentence for instance.

She brushed her jet-black hair, and put some earings on that her father gave her

does the fact that the earings were from her father serve a purpose later on? Or at all?