Young Writers Society

The story's about a class of year 6 or 7, they're kidnapped and brought to a remote building somewhere far away... The people want to play a game and let them go, the children have to run away as far as possible, or else they get caught and killed. they're given 10 seconds headstart to get out the building and run empty-handed while people with guns and stuff try chasing them. Its kinda like a game of Hide and seek, but if you lose, you die.

The part below is a part when Danny (main character) is out of the building runing. This isnt the beginning unfortunately. Hope you like it =]

Story

He stood there, with a gun in his hands directly pointing right between my eyes. I was on the floor staring helplessly at his grin. I felt as if we were having a conversation but there was one problem - we weren’t speaking. The only thing I could hear was my heart, beating five times as fast as usual but I knew I wasn’t going to die - not yet anyways. I crawled back trying to reach the gun, just lying beside me. He knew what I was doing and pulled the trigger. Nothing Happened. Unintentionally, I rapidly grabbed the metallic gun, aim at his chest and - well, you know what happened next. He fell to the floor.

I dropped the gun. I had just killed someone. I had never killed anyone before. I’m only 11. I felt like a murderer - I was a murderer.

After a while, I heard something rustle in the bush behind me, so I turned round. It was Kim.

“We’ve got to get out of here! Right now!” she shouted.

“Kim, I just-”

“NOW!”

So we both started running. Running nowhere. Kim was running at quite a high-speed and her long black hair fluttered behind her. It was proving very difficult to catch up. Then I started running out of breathe so I stopped.

“Kim, wait! Stop! Let’s rest for a while, we’ve been running for ages.” I said.

“OK, but be quick. We’ve gotta keep running. Or else they’ll find us… - Are you alright? You look really pale”.

“I had just killed someone”, I looked away while saying it ,since it wasn’t something that I should be proud of.

“Danny, don’t you get it?” she said, pursuing her point, “They want us dead! This is like a game. And I’m not ready to lose. Are you?”.

She was right. This is a game. And I’m not ready to lose either. They’re trying to kill us. Why should we lie there like sitting-ducks? We should have the right to kill them too. I had finally come to my senses. This was a matter of life or death.

“No, I’m not ready to lose. You’re right. Thanks for knocking some sense into me.” I thought for a minute and told myself I shouldn’t really necessarily be saying ‘Thanks’ since she just told me it was alright to kill.

She smiled and said, “Com’on we better get running”.

So off we went. Running. Again.

I've made some alterations. You don't have to use them but I just think they might make it a little better. Your idea is really good and it seems like a very exciting story. It kept me reading and I hate reading on computer screen's. My eyes usually go like this, LOL.
So, yeah, well done. Only problem was that your kepy changing from past tense to present tense. Hope I helped! It was really really good.

He stood there, with a gun in his hands, directly pointing right between my eyes. I was on the floor staring helplessly as he grinned. I felt as if we were having silent conversation with our eyes, locked in a fearful stare. The only thing I could hear was my heart, beating five times as fast as usual but I knew I wasn’t going to die - not yet anyways. I crawled back trying to reach the gun, just lying beside me. He knew what I was doing and pulled the trigger. Nothing Happened. Unintentionally, I rapidly grabbed the gun, aimed at his chest and - well, you know what happened next. He fell to the floor.
I dropped the gun. He was dead. I had just killed someone. I had never killed anyone before. I was only 11. I felt like a murderer - I was a murderer. A monster.

After a while, I heard something rustle in the bushes behind me, so I turned round. It was Kim.

“We’ve got to get out of here! Right now!” she shouted.

“Kim, I just-”

“NOW!”

So we both started running. Running to nowhere and anywhere. Kim was running at quite a high-speed and her long, black hair fluttered behind her. It was proving very difficult to catch up. Then I started running out of breathe so I stopped.

“Kim, wait! Stop! Let’s rest for a while, we’ve been running for ages.” I said.

“OK, but be quick. We’ve gotta keep running. Or else they’ll find us… - Are you alright? You look really pale”.

“I just killed someone”, I looked away while saying it ,since it wasn’t something that I should be proud of.

“Danny, don’t you get it?” she said, pursuing her point, “They want us dead! This is a game. And I’m not ready to lose. Are you?”.

She was right. This was a game. And I wasn't ready to lose either. They’re trying to kill us. Why should we lie there like sitting-ducks? We should have the right to kill them too. I had finally come to my senses. This was a matter of life or death.

“No, I’m not ready to lose. You’re right. Thanks for knocking some sense into me.” I thought for a minute and told myself I shouldn’t really necessarily be saying ‘Thanks’ since she just told me it was alright to kill.

She smiled and said, “Cm’on we better get running”.

So off we went. Running. Again.

I like your idea, and this is written well. Except you changed tenses. Other than that I think you have something really good started. Good luck!

Interesting idea. I'd love to read the rest of it!

~GryphonFledgling

it sounds like a really interesting story, it feels like the kind of plot to draw you in. I would suggest portraying their emotions more, don't worry that's a problem I have myself, and maybe lengthen out the part where they're running.

all in all it seems like an interesting book, I'd like to read further if you post more.

I like your idea, and this is written well. Except you changed tenses. Other than that I think you have something really good started. Good luck!

I agree completely with whoever wrote that. I would like to see the beginning it would make a great book. I have just a few things to say

1st off- How old is Kim? If she's just eleven don't you think thats some pretty deep thinking for an eleven year old.
2nd- is there some sort of deeper connection between Kim and the main character. Once again most eleven year olds would stop near almost certain death to try and bring some other kid along, and then stop with him when he was tired. Most eleven year olds would just run until they couldn't run anymore.

3rdly-Whats this whole class 6 or 7 thing. Please explain I really do love this thought and REALLY wont to see some more of it. PM me when you post some more of this again. I want to see how it ends.

Hey.

I found this interesting. My only problem with it was that these characters didn't feel like eleven-year-olds. Why haven't you posted the beginning? Would like to read it and more...

Write on.

I liked it. I think you could stand to take out one or two of the commas and conjunctions, some of the sentences drag on a bit. While this probably wouldn't be noticeable on paper, it is much more obvious on computer screens - or at least I think so. But nice job, I love the concept and the characters.

Oh and I'd change this line:

I had just killed someone

In dialogue it just sounds wrong. Something like :I...I've just killed someone, would be better.

In answer to Runawaythoughts questions (I know its not my story but I know the guy who wrote it from real life so I thought I'd answer for him cos' he doesn't come on here much.

I think danny and Kim are cousins (that's what Thien said to me)
and class 6/7 is just what year they're in. I'm not sure where you're from but in america they have like Grade 1 and stuff but Year six is the way we say it in the Uk.
Hope I helped.