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Freedom Fighters



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Tue Apr 01, 2008 4:56 pm
deleted2 says...



Jodi lowered her gaze to the spray-paint can in her hand, wondering if she should use it or get as far away as possible from the graffiti scene.

Johnny and Seeley lifted their cans, the hissing sound produced as they sprayed onto the wall piercing everyone’s ears. Jodi shook her head, more at herself than anyone else, and dropped her can in the black canvas bag that stood at Tibby’s feet.

‘Won’t they hear it?’ Jodi nervously glanced around, searching for hints of trouble. Despite the darkness around them she noticed the carefree smile on Tibby’s face.

‘Seriously, are you not worried?’

‘Kate’s on lookout, as we call it. She’s in the store making a complicated request. We know that what she’s asking for isn’t available in the butcher shop, so it’ll keep them busy trying to find an alternative’ Mark spoke, leaning casually against the wall, his eyes on his spray painting friends. They were halfway through the second word, lingering on the S to make sure it looked perfect.

To the Freedom Fighters placing tags wasn’t a matter of making the shopkeepers angry, it was a matter of leaving their mark behind in a careful manner. Their tags were neat, readable and with purpose, hence they considered it art, not destruction of property.

Johnny and Seeley always did the main letters, after which Tibby spray painted the face of a cow besides the words while Mark decorated the statement his friends had written with blood-red outlines.

Jodi felt her heartbeat rise with every passing minute, scared of the consequences if they were caught. They could be arrested!

‘Don’t worry Jodes. If Butcher Bob finds out what we’re doing Kate will come running out of that store like lightning. Then it’s all a matter of following her as fast as you can. We’ve planned an escape route, Kate always takes care of that’ Tibby had apparently decided that it was a good time to explain the who-does-what of the group ‘Mark’s the brain of the FF, he locates the shops, decides over the time, and brings in the supplies from his dad’s arts and crafts store’

‘Cool’ Jodi said dully, then bit her lip, watching Seeley and Johnny finish their part of the graffiti. The boys turned around, smiles on their faces, no matter what went wrong now they had the words down already. The rest were decorations, but the main statement was on there, loud and clear.

MEAT IS MURDER.

Tibby clapped her hands, beaming and enthusiatic ‘Good job guys!’
‘We know’ Johhny laughed, handing her a canister ‘Do your thing, Tibbs’
‘RUN!’ Kate threw open the door of the butcher shop and tripped, only just regaining her balance, then sped past them ‘COME ON!’

Jodi gasped, motionless, watching the door open a second time as a man dressed in a butchers apron stormed out, yelling furiously.

‘Jodi! Run!’ Tibby snatched up the canvas bag, then closed her hand around the girls’ arm and dragged her along, until Jodi began to sprint by herself.

Kate shot Tibby a glare of annoyance, they all knew that Jodi had increased their chances of getting caught.


‘Run! Fuck, they’re right behind us!’ Johnny jumped a wooden garden fence and took off at full speed, the rest of the group on his heels, dropping several cans of spray paint as two of them tripped over the protruding edge of a street tile. They let the cans roll away; there was no time to retrieve them.

‘Shit!’ Mark cursed, scrambling to his feet before hauling Kate up by her arm. The angry shouts of the shopkeeper and his assistant were echoing through the passageway as the teenagers lifted themselves over the barrier that stood between them and freedom. Dropping down on the other side they caught their breath for a second, then continued running, glancing back over their shoulders to check that the angered adults weren’t making their way over the wall. Of course they were not, the fat shop owner wouldn’t be able to lift himself over even if his life depended on it.
‘Get to Chestnut lane, come on’ Tibby shouted, tightening her grip on the black canvas bag that was swinging wildly around her shoulder and setting off in the direction of her house.

Tibby’s were the only parents who wouldn’t get them in trouble for their latest act against animal cruelty, spray painting Meat is murder on the wall next to the local butcher shop, Butcher Barry.
She was raised vegetarian since birth, seeing as both her parents had not eaten meat since their teenagehood, and had thereby grown a healthy sense of skepticism regarding the use of animals for consumption. The others had converted later in their lives, the newbie Jodi a mere week ago.
They slowed their pace steadily, until two streets from her house they were trotting along calmly. Johnny’s face spit into one of his common lop-sided grins ‘That was awesome, man’ his breathing was still rapid, from the sudden sprint they’d been forced to take to get away from trouble.

‘We almost got caught, it wasn’t that awesome’ Jodi breathed, slightly agitated, it was the first time she accompanied the Freedom Fighters on one of their missions, and thus the first time she’d had to bolt her lungs out to get away from furious grown-ups. The experience was proving to be more active than she’d imagined.

‘Newbie, it was awesome. We tagged the wall, managed to finish writing our message before the assholes busted us, what part of our campaign wasn’t successful?’ Mark commented dryly, brushing the grit off his hands. His knees felt as though he’d done a sliding over a sheet of sandpaper, probably ruining his pants, but as he quickly inspected his jeans he discovered they were still intact. That was more than could be said for his skin.

‘Remember that time we got caught before we finished? And it said Meat is Mu’ Seeley beamed, his eyes shining with entertainment ‘I went back the next day and changed it into Meat is Moo, for the sake of variation’
Kate grinned, recalling that day ‘Yea, those were good times’
Jodi smiled faintly, not ready to shake off the feeling of panic that had rushed through her when the shopkeeper threw open his door and leapt out, right at them. She silently followed the rest of the group, staying slightly behind.

Tibby ruffled through her bag, pulling out her house key to open the door, and stepped inside ‘I’m home!’ she yelled, loudly, and listened for a reply. Her mom poked her head out of the kitchen ‘Hey, sweetheart, what have you kids been up to?’

She’d noticed the paint stains on their hands and clothes, their messy hair, and Jodi’s somewhat shocked appearance, and, knowing it was wrong, praised them in silence. They were doing something illegal, to stop something horrible from happening, and Tibby’s mom Laila couldn’t get herself to ban her daughter from protesting for a cause close to her heart.
‘Spray painting’ Johnny bluntly admitted, rather proud.

‘I see’ Laila threw them a smile, then retreated into the kitchen shouting ‘The cookies are done in ten minutes and you better come try them’

Jody’s face was a mask of utter confusion and disbelief, and the others grinned at her while Tibby rested her arm around the newcomer’s shoulder ‘My parents are cool with it, we remind them of their childhood. There’s a limit though, violence, we’re not allowed to literally fight for the cause. A bit of vandalism doesn’t hurt though, except if we get caught, then we pay the price’

‘You ever been caught?’
‘Once, about a year ago, just Johnny, Seeley and me that day, the guy caught John because he tripped. So we went back to claim a part of the trouble, it wasn’t fair to let it all be on him’
‘The guy didn’t even call the cops, man, it was a joke’ Seeley said, acting tough.
‘You almost pissed yourself, dude, I think that Tibby had more balls than you did that day’ Johnny commented dryly, then beamed at his friends.
‘The shopkeeper called their parents, had them pick them up, they were only thirteen at the time, so he didn’t want to press charges. The parents simply paid him off’ Mark explained, noticing the others were preoccupied with laughing at Seeley.

‘Oh’ Jodi sighed, trying to figure out why exactly she had joined the gang. Animal rights was a topic close to her heart, but all the vandalism would definitely take some time to get used to. Was it actually ethical?
She highly doubted it.
‘Do you guys ever, you know, leaflet or something?’ she questioned hesitantly, not intending to anger her new friends.
‘Sure’ Tibby rested her arm around Jodi’s shoulders ‘Of course we do, but sometimes we just want… adventure, I guess. We’re not really calm people, we need some excitement once a while’
‘Right’ Jodi nodded shortly, eyeing Seeley’s face.
He grinned ‘You’re trying to figure out if you want to be ascosciated with us, aren’t you?’
She shook her head rapidly ‘No, no, its not that… I just.. I’m not sure I can handle running from shopkeepers all the time. My parents will murder me if I get caught’

‘Alright, how about this. You stay with us, for a while at least, to see if you want to join for real. We’ll go leafleting, hang up poster, hell, we’ll sticker the crap out of this town, and when you’ve seen we’re not just raving maniacs we’ll introduce you to the reasons for our behaviour. Deal?’
She puckered her brow at his, feeling the weight of Tibby’s arm around her shoulders. She knew this was her chance at doing something, anything, for the cause she believed in. Maybe once she was one of them she could tone down their destructive habits. Maybe she’d simply go along and join them; after all, it could be the best way to get through to people. She couldn’t make up her mind, a question remaining unanswered.

Is it ethical to destroy someone’s property in an attempt to change a destructive mindset?

‘Alright’ she smiled, watching their faces light up ‘Deal’

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
:shock: In case people wonder, after reading this, yes I am very much into animal rights, but until now have not actually gone spraypainting or anything like that. I limit my actions to leaflets, stickers, posters, speeches, projects in school, anything possible that does not destroy the property of other people. I am definetely not 100% against the more extreme animal rights activists, but I am not one of them.
Just had to say it to avoid ruining some people's opinions of me :D
Last edited by deleted2 on Thu May 01, 2008 9:01 am, edited 2 times in total.
  





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Tue Apr 01, 2008 5:48 pm
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Aedomir says...



‘Run !

Why the space?

‘Shit!’ Mark cursed,

The dialogue is unnecessary, just say that he cursed (Hehe, Mark's my name!)

come on’

comma after 'on' :wink:

for the sake of variation’
Kate grinned, recalling that day ‘Yea, those were good times’

Periods before each closing dialogue mark, I won't include anymore.

wall, managed

Take off the comma, put an 'and'.

Alright, I enjoyed that. I like the way you made it really action-packedd at the start, I was lead to believe they were agents or something. Great effect!

Keep writing, great so far!

~Mark
We are all Sociopaths: The Prologue

Sociopath: So • ci • o • path noun
1. Someone who believes their behaviour is right.
2. Human.
  





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Tue Apr 01, 2008 6:15 pm
deleted2 says...



Thanks a lot !! Good advice :D
Haha it's funny to find someone who shares a name with a character, hasnt happened before! That's cool :lol:
  





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Sat Apr 12, 2008 2:38 pm
JFW1415 says...



All right, here's my promised review. It's REALLY long - don't say I didn't warn you! (You DID ask!)

First is your piece, which have some highlighted areas with numbers next to them. These number correspond with the 'Highlighted Comments' below. The parts in red are grammar/spelling mistakes. (Let me know if you can't read any of it. It can be difficult to see at times.)

(Feel free to ignore anything I say. It's not like I'm a published author or anything; these are just my opinions. ;P)

Also, it goes one and two down the first column, three and four down the second. (Trying to save space. :wink: )

ImageImage
ImageImage

Highlighted Comments:

1. Personally, I didn’t like this. It didn’t seem to tie in to the dialogue. It’s pretty much just telling us what is happening, which is boring for action. Personally, I’d start even earlier than this. I’d show them shaking the cans, laughing with each other, and then freezing when they hear the shop owner behind them. Right now I’m just being shown a chase scene with some guy I don’t know, and therefore don’t care about. Give us some time to get to know him so we actually fear for him here.
2. Again, if you start earlier this will work better. I didn’t even know they were on the ground, and know they’re jumping up? Introduce us to the scene before this, please.
3. Show us this, don’t just tell us. What are they screaming?
4. Tibby’s what? Suggestion: ‘Tibby’s parents were the only ones who wouldn’t…’
5. I think it looks better capitalized, and you need the ‘ and ’.
6. I’d leave this out. Too much information, and it kind of makes the place seem less dangerous. I laughed when I read the name.
7. Teenage years, not teenagehood. (Teenagehood is not a word.) (Well, I guess you could do teenage hood, but I’ve never heard anyone use that phrase.)
8. Keep the same vocabulary. This is a lot less formal than the rest of the piece.
9. This one’s for the entire italicized part: What was this for? It was just a major flash back, and in the middle of action! We SHOULD still be caught up in the action; don’t take us out of it like this. I’d ditch this whole section. You can slip in why they’re there later on, but we don’t need to know her whole life story.
10. Who’s?
11. Suggestion: ‘…on a mission.’ This is just…wordy.
12. Again, keep your vocabulary consistent. This is much more mature than the rest of the piece, and it sticks out oddly.
13. How do you ‘bolt your lungs out?’ I know what you were going for, but you missed your mark. Try again.
14. I’m not that fond of this, but I guess it works well. (It shows his lack of respect for her.) THIS is where you can use this word; not in the narrative.
15. Suggestion. (It was getting rambly, so I broke it up.)
16. How did his jeans stay unharmed, yet his skin UNDERNEATH got shredded?
17. This should end here.
18. I’d expand this a bit. Maybe ‘She stepped inside, holding the door open behind her for her fellow Freedom Fighters.’
19. Don’t run-on. This could easily be separated as ‘She had noticed the paint stains on their hands and clothes, their messy hair, and Jodie’s somewhat shocked appearance the moment she looked at them. She mentally praised them for their efforts, knowing that she shouldn’t be supportive.’ Then it would tie in nicely with the next sentence, and not be as confusing. (I had to reread it to fix it up.)
20. Suggestion to prevent a run-on.
21. If you do keep it, put commas around her name. This is clear on its own, though, so I’d delete ‘Tibby’s mom.’
22. I know what you mean, but it’s a little confusing.
23. Show us this.
24. She seemed to be a little more secretive about how proud she was before. Maybe make this more subtle?
25. Pick one: Jody or Jodi. You’ve used both. (Mainly Jodi, though.)
26. Much better word.
27. I tried splitting up some run-ons here.
28. Show this a bit more.
29. Just to clear it up a bit.
30. I think you should ditch this part, and say that he let out a laugh before the dialogue. I was confused as to who was talking, so it lost it’s humor.
31. Maybe expand a bit; show her confused as to what it did to help save animals? Why would anyone listen to someone destroying their property?
32. Random much?
33. Who’s talking?
34. Maybe remind us of this more? I kind of forgot it was there.
35. Huh? This isn’t needed, and is confusing until you read the next paragraph.
36. Why the sudden chance of heart?

Specific Comments:

Warning: I have WAY too much fun coming up with the underlined titles. ;P

Anything But SAID!

This is a fear many new writers have: overusing the word ‘said.’ It IS a good word, and you should use it more often. You’re constantly reminding the reader that they’re READING by saying things like ‘she yelled loudly,’ or ‘he commented dryly.’ Especially in action, said is wonderful. The eyes skim over the word, and you don’t get sidetracked. Of course, never write:

“Hi,” he said.

“Hello!” she said.

“What’s your name?” he said.

And so on and so on. It gets annoying after a while. Once you establish who’s talking, you don’t need it anymore. A trick you already know is replacing ‘said’ with action; that works well. Just read through it, and when possible, put ‘said.’

(Oh, and ‘ly’ adjectives following said, like ‘he said softly,’ are usually discouraged.)

They Shall Never Speak…

This is an easy one to fix: using quotations. You never did! When someone speaks, you use “ and ”, not ‘ and ’.

Big Blocks: Scary!

Make sure your spacing is correct; you combined some paragraphs, and that makes readers not want to read this.

Time For History Class!

Here’s a golden rule for you: NEVER interrupt action to give us a history lesson. (You did this in the italicized part.) You can slip this information in later. Keep us hooked, on the edge of our seats. (There’s a reason many people sleep through history class.)

Grab Me And Run?

In many cases, picking up a story in the middle of an action scene is good. However, here it’s confusing (and your only action, so there’s nothing leading up to it.) I think you should give us a feeling of foreboding first. Start with them glancing over their shoulders, their hands shaking on the cold cans. The owner can shout, and then this can start.

Short and Choppy = Gooooood

With action scenes, you want very few commas. Keep us hyped up; don’t drag something out forever. Also, you had many run-ons. I tried to help you out there, but reread this out loud. What do you run out of breath saying? Those can probably be split up.

Zoom In

To be a writer, you must also be a filmmaker. You need to bring us as close to the action as possible. You wouldn’t pay ten bucks to watch a movie where the characters were dots, right? You’d want to be able to see the actors sweat, the gleam of their swords.

Same here. What’s happening around them? Are their hearts beating quickly? Is the ground hard beneath their feet? Is the alley dark, and are there others on the street?

Time To Play Favorites

You need to be in first person without writing in first person. (Don’t worry, I’ll explain. ;P) For the most part, you jumped around on the perceptive. Whose eyes are we supposed to see this through? I’d assume Jodi’s. You completely ignore her in the first few paragraphs. First we see what Johnny sees, then what Mark sees. Finally we see Jodi.

Pretty much center your writing around Jodi. The others will still do the same thing, but write how it’s affecting her, not them. (If this doesn’t make sense, PM me and I’ll explain a bit more.)

WHO ARE YOU???

Again, I think we need the beginning I suggested to become aquatinted with these characters. I kept switching up their names, and I continuously had to scroll up to figure out what name to use for this review. Define them more.

Show and Tell Time!

I think this is the most common comment readers will make to a writer. You need to SHOW us what’s going around. Don’t say ‘it was noon.’ Say ‘the sun beat down on them, directly above their heads.’ (There are a million articles on this tucked into YWS; I can dig some up for you if you’d like.)

Romeo, Romeo, Where Art Thou Romeo?

You need to define the place a bit more. Right now, they’re drifting in space, especially in Tibby’s house. Don’t tell us everything down to the curtains, but tell us some details. Does Tibby casually throw her bag onto the orange couch? Do the voices seem to echo under the high ceilings? (Try to incorporate action into your descriptions.)

Friends, Foes, and Frogs

Eh, the frogs part was just for fun. ;P

These characters already have a life before we meet them. They have relationships with one another. This, unfortunately, doesn’t show in your writing.

These characters need to interact more. Who’s the leader? Who’s the follower? Who is timid, and who will swear like a pirate only to be yelled at by the goody-two-shoes? Do two flirt innocently with each other? Do any of them have a love/hate relationship?

You MUST Do As I Say…

(Deux ex machina?) You kind of force them to change a bit to fit your needs. Why should the group you classified as a ‘gang’ be so supportive? Why did Jodi change her mind so suddenly? You need to expand on these characters, and let their reactions become more natural. Mark can’t swear because you told him to; he has to swear because he’s Mark.

Melding Together Until They’re One

Again on the characters. They’re a little bland, to be honest. They all seem the same. What gives them definitions? Do certain ones always say ‘well?’ Does another hum when under pressure? Does one swear like a pirate? Does one always add terms of endearment to the end of a sentence? Give these characters more life; they’re too similar, and who’s who is very confusing as a result.

Overall Comment:

This is the area I become nice, and make you believe in yourself again. ;P

This is a wonderful idea; it is possible to stand on it’s own, or you could develop a whole story off of it. You could show us the dangers of joining, the different people she meets, the cruelties she stops. She could even catch someone eating meat! Oh, do I smell plot twists? ;P

I love Tibby’s mom so much! And I think the main character is very believable, although slightly contradictory in places (how she switches her mind so easily.) She wants to stop abuse, but she’s worried about her morals. She’s very easy to relate to.

Overall, this really was a good job. PM me if you have ANY questions on this, or if you’d like me to review anything else you write! (Although I kind of doubt you will after reading this. ;P)

Happy editing!

~JFW1415
  





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Sat Apr 12, 2008 7:21 pm
Ross says...



Nice work! The only problem I had was the guy saying 'F--k' at the beginning.
And we'll be a dream...

"Dee Dubbleyou." - BigBadBear
  





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Sat Apr 12, 2008 7:45 pm
deleted2 says...



THANK YOU JF !!! :D
wow it looks like you put a lot of work into this!! I'm glad you've told me all this, it's helpful !
Nd WOW you wrote a lot! haha :)
My self esteem is... slightly alive :wink: lol im kidding it's doing fine.
I would actually like it if you could review some of my other work, I definetely wouldn't mind!!
I'm going to edit it tommorow, thanks again!

Xxx Do

Ps. deafwriter_19 I'm sorry if it offended you. Thanks for your comment :D I'm not going to change it, though :wink:
  








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