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Young Writers Society


Sand Duel - By Jadeite



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Sun Apr 13, 2008 8:07 am
Jadeite says...



It was mid-day and the sun was blazing hot on the beach. The sand was soft and warm, while the ocean was cool and moist. The only sounds you could hear was the tide coming in and a small breeze of wind passing by. It seemed like it was such a peaceful place, but not everything is as what it seems.

Not far away, were two figures coming towards the ocean share. The two figures were two young boys fighting each other. One was wearing a black tunic and the other a white. The boy in black had short, spiky brown hair, dark brown eyes and an oval shaped face. The boy in white had short dark blond hair, blue eyes and a round shaped face.

The expressions on their faces were strong and determined to defeat their opponent. Their minds were clear and focused on the duel, their balance was almost perfect and hands tightly gripped on their blades.

One blade was the color of silver, while the other was the color of gold.

The boy in white defended his blade from the silver colored one.

The boy in black attacked hard and viciously. He had an angry expression on his face towards his opponent.

They both had once been best friends. Spending most of their time together, talking, telling jokes, playing and practicing their sword fighting skills. But one day, the boy in black met a young girl, whom he loved very deeply, but she did not care for him. She cared for the boy in white.

Filled with jealously and pride, the boy in black accused his friend of stealing what he thought was rightfully his.

They had begun the duel outside of the training school, across the desert and towards the beach, which was where they were now.

The boy in white could hear the sounds of the tide coming in near him. He knew they had fought across the great desert and were very close to the great ocean. He slammed hard on the silver blade, then pushed the boy in black to the ground and began running towards the beach.

He felt extremely hot and was tired. He wished to jump into the sea to cool himself off from the hot blazing sun and then return to the duel.

The boy in white leapt into the ocean of water. The cool water surrounded him and washed away the sweat that had covered his body. And as soon as he saw his opponent coming, he jumped out of the water and landed on his feet on the ground not a second to soon as he saw the silver blade coming towards him.

He quickly pulled his golden blade up and fended off the blow that could have torn him in half.

The blades made a clashing sound and stayed pinned together, as both boys pushed hard towards one anther.

They stared into each other’s eyes.

“You can not match my strength,” mocked the boy in black.

“You think too much of yourself, brother,” the boy in white replied. “My will is stronger then any form of physical strength.”

The boy in black pushed his opponent off his feet and to the ground. He stood above him like a god passing judgment. “We are no longer brothers as we once were.” He told his enemy, “Not since you stole the girl of my dreams away from me.”

The boy in white looked up at his old friend, “I did not steal her from you. She chose me over you. I can not control her feelings she has for me.”

“No!” the boy in black yelled, “You tricked her and confused her mind. I loved her deeply and you took her away from me. And for that, you will die by my hand.” He pulled his silver blade up and slammed hard down towards his friend, but instead of meeting flesh, as he wanted, he met his enemies golden blade.

He had spent many years trying to become the greatest swordsman. And after he defeated the boy in white, he would take the golden sword for his own and then be announced as the master swordsman of the desert valley.

And once he became master swordsman, he would return to the girl of his dreams and convince her that the boy in white had twisted her mind. Soon, she will realize the mistake she has made. Soon, she will be mine and I will be the greatest swordsman of all.

It was those greedy thoughts that fueled his evil strength.

But the boy in white had a greater strength, then greed. He had a will to help his friend. To stop the evil that was within this boy, who used to be his best friend and brother. He could see it in his mind, after defeating him; the boy would let go of this greedy evil. He imagined them being friends once again. That was what kept the boy in white going.

On and on, the duel continued as they fought across the long beach. Sprinkles of water hit their faces and wet their tunics; the small breezes brushing past them were cooling their bodies and the hot sun warming the sand beneath their booted feet.

Nature seemed to be against them, since the small bits of water they felt, lasted only seconds as the sun dried the water away. But that still didn’t stop them from ending their fierce battle.

Both were very determined to defeat one another. It seemed as if this duel would never end.

As they continued on, the boy in white spotted a large rock not far from his opponents’ feet. He swung his golden blade hard, turned, then pushed the boy in black down. He fell on his back on a sharp rock, that carved a small whole in his back, “Ahhh!” he howled as he felt the rock burrow into his back.

Blood spilt onto the innocent white sand, causing it to turn a dark red and brown color.

The boy in black pressed hard with his hand on his wound to stop the blood from leaking out. The small rough grains of sand that were within his wound began to make a stinging sensation. The pain was almost unbearable, but he wouldn’t stop until he had slaughtered his enemy.

He placed a ripped piece of his tunic to cover the wound and the blood made it stick. Then got back up and grabbed his silver blade. He wouldn’t give up. “You have only wounded me, I am not yet defeated.”

A tear rolled down the other boys face as he saw his former friend in much pain, yet he would never admit it. How far is he willing to go? I will not kill him. I would rather die then slay my own friend and brother.

The boy in white gripped tight on his blade, ready to defend another attack.

Soon they began to lose their balance as they came across more sharp rocks on the sand, which were scratching marks on their boots. More water was flying in the air, and the breeze became a strong wind.

They fought and fought until they reached many large rocks. The boy in black jumped atop one of them, then waited for the other to join.

The boy in white leapt carefully up on them and balanced out each of his steps, as he got closer to his former friend.

“Are you afraid?” the boy in black mocked him again.

“Only for you,” the boy in white replied.

The boy in black hit hard at the golden blade, which almost knocked his opponent off his feet and into the water, and it was then that he saw his victory. One step back and he could then make the final blow to his enemy.

He took a step back, but had not realized that there was no step. He felt his body go out of balance and fall down. He turned his head to look what was below him and found a shallow part of the ocean where many more sharp rocks awaited for him.

It was then that he saw his end.

His body hit the water hard, causing a huge wave of water splashing onto the boy in white. Then he sank for only a moment, until his body fell onto the sharp rocks.

The boy in white looked down to find a pool of blood that was once his friend and brother.

More tears rolled down his cheek as he cried out his friends’ name. His friend was dead and had become one with the ocean.

The End
Last edited by Jadeite on Mon Apr 14, 2008 1:08 am, edited 1 time in total.
Sincerely,

Jade
  





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Sun Apr 13, 2008 5:25 pm
Alainna says...



Hey and welcome to the site.

This was good but I think that a lot of your errors could have been avoided by proof - reading your work before posting.

Not far away, where two figures coming towards the ocean share.

Where should be 'were'.

There minds were clear and focused on the duel, their balance was almost perfect and hands tightly gripped on their blades.

'There' should be 'their'.

The boy in black pushed his opponent of his feet and to the ground.

'Of' should be 'off'.

Soon, she will realize the mistaken she has made.

'Mistaken' should be 'mistake'.

Soon, she will be mine and I will be the greatest swordsman of all.

Why are we suddenly in first person? Either change back to third or put this in italics or quotes so we know that it is the boy's thoughts.

How far is he willing to go? I will not kill him. I would rather die then slay my own friend and brother.

Again, you need this to be visibly a change in font or writing rather than just a change in person.

He took a step back, but had not realized that there was no step.

Doesn't really make sense - the second 'step' is awkward.

He turned his head to look what was below him and was a shallow part of the ocean and many more sharp rocks waited for him down below

You repeat yourself too many times in this sentence and it doesn't really make sense.

Overall, some of it was lacking... excitement, conflict. The piece didn't really hook me. Perhaps try putting in more drama, more description, more emotion. The characters need to be more real.
You have a lot of potential and your style is very to the point, which is good.

Keep writing,
Alainna
xxx
Sanity is for the unimaginative.

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Sun Apr 13, 2008 8:04 pm
WriterAddict12356 says...



Good... It reminds me of the Ang Lee flick, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon.
  





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Mon Apr 14, 2008 1:12 am
Jadeite says...



Thanks for pointing out the mistakes. I've read that many times and never saw those. I have dyslexia, and I see certain words diferently then most people who don't have my condition. Sorry, I'm trying the best I can.
And the reason I didn't give names to the two boys was to make the read more interested in the event then the boys at a personal level.
I wanted to make it a simple, yet thrilling story on the spot in a sense.
I know its not like most short stories, but I made it the way it is on purpose.

Thanks for your comment, WriterAddict12356. Much appreciated.
Sincerely,

Jade
  








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