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Two for joy



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Tue May 06, 2008 8:40 pm
Eimear says...



A few things you should know about me: I have cancer. I’m seventeen, and I’m also going mad. Why not have a read? Who knows? It might even be a laugh.

Despite the Shakespearian ring to his name, my boyfriend Prospero Taylor is no Romeo. At least, he wasn’t very romantic for the first fourteen years of my life that I knew him. God, it felt like a whole lifetime’s energy was spent just hanging out with him for a day. He knew stuff, he wanted stuff and he was stuff. One of those people, you know? Paint on his skin, various interesting scars and an endless sense of humour, with words and things spilling out of his pockets.

We were neighbours until Junior High, when his Mother needed to be moved closer to the hospital. She has MS, but that doesn’t stop her painting these amazing works of art. Abstract, thunderous creatures of tempestuous oceans and stinging fires intertwined. They really take your breath away, especially when you consider the fact that she’s almost permanently in her wheelchair and in pain. Her last one went for something like three thousand bucks. They’re good, don’t get me wrong, but I still think her best masterpiece to date is her son.

Call me a wacko, but he might just be the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. You’d never think to look at him that he comes from a smelly suburban town in the mid-west. He’s tall, and yes, in a geeky kind of way in that there’s not a lot to him, but it’s the way he holds himself that catches people’s attention. At a slant. At a sway. Like he’s reclining back, wondering why an earth the rest of us are hunched over, trying to get through the day. His hair’s always a bit like feathers, freshly washed, an unidentifiable mix of brown and blonde. But then there’s the eyes. You know yourself when you really like someone and when your eyes meet, even for a few moments, it feels like a second or two in heaven. His are like that. Like sweetness is emanating from him to you in one, loving glance.

Of course, I hadn’t always seen him like that. I was a cynic, God love me, for much too longer than was polite when it came to boys. I had been a tom-boy myself, feeling sick at the sight of the girls in the houses surrounding me crouched in their bedrooms moving a piece of plastic across the carpet, small, high pitched voices shooting through their lips. I preferred notching up bruises and rabbits.

But as I began to notice myself, in the mirror in the mornings, when I could see the arch of my eyebrows curving and my stomach flattening along with my thighs and upper arms, I realised I was one of those girls. You’re going to laugh know when I realised who I was to Prospero. No, not his bitch. I was the girl-next-door. It was simple Math really. It would work.

So of course, when my fourteenth birthday rolled around I expected him to realise this too. He didn’t. Instead, he opted for a rather over-weight girl in my Chemistry class. Diana Kay. I almost cracked my test tube when this news reached me. How on earth, how in the name of all that’s good in Jerry Springer had he failed to work out that I was the one he should be pining over? I should have been mad. But it didn’t get angry. I suppose that’s where I can pinpoint the slow digression of my sanity (if it was ever there) happened. I became obsessed by this girl. Or rather, a certain aspect of her.

‘I love the way I can wrap my arms around you so tightly,’ he told me a year or so later, when we were lying on his sofa, watching T.V. I know it’s odd, but inside, I was dancing.

Prospero got his act together the fall following his relationship with Diana. We were all out at the Halloween dance, and I’d spent most of the night stuffing toilet roll into my dress and underwear to stop the comments I’d been getting from, not even enemies, close friends about my weight. Although I’d got an euphoric thrill out of it, I needed something to do, anything to do, to take my mind of it. I’d just stepped outside to go and sit on my own somewhere in a tragic, adolescent sort of fashion and maybe have a smoke when I bumped into him in a dark corner of the parking lot.

There he was, artistic as always in a paisley shirt that must have belonged to his Dad in the sixties and those jeans. He smiled at me and went on smoking this cigarette, drawing on it hard, as if daring life to come and kill him.

‘I’ve made a mistake,’ he said seriously, flicking specks of ember playfully close to my feet. I could smell something infectious off him. A good kind of infectious though. Like he was suffering from some fever you wouldn’t mind having.

‘Yeah?’ I wasn’t a very nonchalant sixteen year old. I’ve got better though. I just barked that word at him and ran three fingers through my hair, looking out onto the distance. I can still remember the roars of kids dancing instead, all hot and sweaty, having the time of their lives. It seemed right for us to be out here together, above and outside their joy. After all, there were better things in life than being happy.

‘Yeah Meggie,’ he said, and he threw his butt down on the ground and stepped onto it, his silhouette on the brick wall looming over my five foot six figure ‘I broke up with the cow,’ he added, as an afterthought.

I never made an answer. He didn’t deserve it. He seemed to know that, despite the shift if tension in our friendship that had doused the last year or two. Tainting what once was.

‘You’re something else, did you know that?’

I laughed

‘And who the fuck are you to tell me?’

‘Someone who’s very informed on the topic of discussion,’ he rhymed, smiling like a spoon full of honey ‘Every guy knows it. Diana told me all the gals are jealous. What’s not to love? Look at you, for Christ sake. And you’re smarter than the rest of them. Don’t take the same shit from the jerks. Hold your own.’

I went to laugh, but then the whole world went kind of wrong and the night was spinning into confusion. No, don’t be such a sap. I hadn’t fainted because Prospero had proclaimed he loved me. Far from it. He was approaching the entire thing like I was some kind of business deal he’d missed out on.

I’d collapsed because I hadn’t eaten anything in five days and even then I’d been throwing up most of my meals. When the haze finally cleared I was lying on the floor of the dance hall, a nurse looking me up and down in that face like she’d seen a thousand girls like me and wasn’t my Mother going to hear about it. Prospero, on the other hand, was being congratulated by all the guys in our class

‘Got to hand it to you, lank(that’s what they all called him on account of his height) you’re the first guy to melt that hot bitch.’

I hadn’t even enough strength to get up from my humiliation and give their balls a good twisting. But when Diana and Amber Bretagne ran past spurting out rumours of me polishing off a bottle of whiskey I’d stole from my Grandpa in the old folks home, I made such a mess of her ugly face that it was a night to remember. Still, the best thing that had came out of it was Prospero.

I suppose I was in love with the idea of him, and now, he was in love with me. My plan was working, something which I had devised when I first heard about my Mom’s mental illness. “Megan’s becoming increasingly susceptible” they called it. I’d go cuckoo by the time I was in my late teens. I figured even if I was a wayward train, if I could fix myself onto steel tracks, I’d go the distance.

Each of his words he said to me were the food I needed. Pretty. Smart. Funny. Each of his kisses, hugs, and more slowly fell down the empty well, bouncing off childhood promises and gifts from Grandparents. Truth was, I’d never be normal. Something inside was set to destroy me, and I couldn’t stop it. First I thought I’d go mad. Then I got cancer. There had to be a reason for all this shitty luck. There just had to be.

And there was.
Last edited by Eimear on Wed May 07, 2008 10:27 pm, edited 1 time in total.
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.

Oscar Wilde.
  





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Wed May 07, 2008 7:06 pm
Demeter says...



Hey, E. This is the first short story that I've read here (I guess) and I liked it! I like stories in where the narrator is "I", if you know what I mean. :)

Your style is enjoyable, though I did spot a couple of typos but they were all tiny.

"One of those people, you know?" Well, I don't exactly know but I think I know where you're trying to get. But I do know that " unidentifiable mix of brown and blonde", I'm having it myself. :)

"...how in the name of all that's good in Jerry Springer..." was very funny line!

Overall, good job. I liked Megan.

D
"Your jokes are scarier than your earrings." -Twit

"14. Pretend like you would want him even if he wasn't a prince. (Yeah, right.)" -How to Make a Guy Like You - Disney Princess Style

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Wed May 07, 2008 10:38 pm
BigBadBear says...



Hey! I can't wait to read this! It sounds amazing!

We were neighbours until Junior High,


Junior High doesn't need to be capitalized. :)

when his Mother needed to be moved closer to the hospital.


Neither does Mother. :D

I really, really like the description of the boyfriend. You make it so vivid in my mind... I can just picture him! Amazing!
It was simple Math really.


Math doesn't need to be capitalized either...

*looks for more*

Dude. This can't be the end. That was... like the coolest ending sentence ever. Haha.

Anyway, here ya go!

Good stuff:

- Your MC's voice was clear and strong. I could picture her very well in my head. I got a visual of her and her problems.

- Descriptions couldn't really be any better. *thumbs up*

Something you need to work on, though, is making it a little clearer that she is belemic. Or however you spell it. I didn't realize that she was until she stated that she hadn't eaten for 5 days, and she threw up all of it. I would state it (or give us hints) in the beginning.

But seriously. This can't be the end.

PM me with more!

-Jared
Just write -- the rest of life will follow.

Would love help on this.
  





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Wed May 07, 2008 11:37 pm
helpless42 says...



I like it, a lot. especially the start of it. I know your aware of some errors, but hey, this is a rough draph and who am I to critize you. the point is getting the idea out there to find out how they like the story, not be nagged about puntuation. so keep writing!
  





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Thu May 08, 2008 1:00 am
ChernobyllyInclined says...



This was ridiculously good. And not because your writing is perfect but because the characters are SO REAL. I read about the same characters so often that I despair of ever discovering new ones. And so, before I critique, I would like to congratulate you on your imagination. Its brilliant.

Narrative pieces can be terribly boring but you kept the tension and made it interesting the entire time. Your description is vivid, although not all hopelessly poetic like mine, and the simplicity adds to the reality of the first person POV. I admit I have gotten a little bit sick of first person just because it is terribly overused but you made it work great and it was far from cliche. I only have a few criticisms on structure mostly...

Paint on his skin, various interesting scars and an endless sense of humour, with words and things spilling out of his pockets.

I just had to say that I love this description. It makes him fantastically real.

You’d never think to look at him that he comes from a smelly suburban town in the mid-west.

It should be, 'You'd never think, looking at him, that he comes from...etc'

You know yourself when you really like someone and when your eyes meet, even for a few moments, it feels like a second or two in heaven.

This is a bit confusing, maybe reword it?

A good kind of infectious though. Like he was suffering from some fever you wouldn’t mind having.

First of all, love the description, second, these two can be put together - comma after 'infectious' and after 'though'.

Thats pretty much it for criticism but a few random typos that you can fix with a simple proofread.

I cannot think of anything you could add to this to make it better. Was the first part that I reviewed the prologue or the first chapter? I'm confused as to the order of the story. But I most certainly want to read more. PM me when you post the next chapter.
"Men invent new ideals because they dare not attempt old ideals. They look forward with enthusiasm, because they are afraid to look back."
  





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Wed May 21, 2008 6:39 pm
deleted2 says...



Heeeeeeeeeeey !

I promised I would take a look at it, so here it is! Hope it helps!

I really enjoyed the story :D

Keep writing!

XxxDo
Attachments
Two For Joy EDIT.doc
Here it is.
(39 KiB) Downloaded 55 times
  





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Wed May 21, 2008 8:06 pm
Mad says...



Abstract, thunderous creatures of tempestuous oceans and stinging fires intertwined


To start off, here, I think your somewhat too wordy and I'm not so sure as to whether you're generalizing (and therefore simply telling) or describing a specific example. If it's the former some sort of example might be better and if it's the latter breaking it up might be more suitable - just too make it sound less cluttered.

The introduction up to there was very good otherwise though, easy to read.


You know yourself when you really like someone and when your eyes meet, even for a few moments, it feels like a second or two in heaven. His are like that. Like sweetness is emanating from him to you in one, loving glance.


Overkill here. It goes from an enjoyable read to some treacly outpouring. I think maybe if you cut the last sentence, or simply the "loving glance", it'll get rid of that feeling.

I was a cynic, God love me, for much too longer than was polite when it came to boys


Eh?

moving a piece of plastic across the carpet


I'm assuming a barbie but it could be clearer.

No, not his bitch. I was the girl-next-door.


Not too sure about this here. "girl next door" for me is the porn star in the movie Girl Next Door (a comedy). So well, I don't know - maybe I'm missing the other stereotypical girl next door character. Also, the bitch comment seems so out of context and while it made me sort of chuckle I'm not sure if it could be phrased differently.

But it didn’t get angry


"I"?

Nice ending. An entertaining read. I really liked the introduction and the ending was good some aspects of the main body of the story could be improved. At times it reads more like an elaborate retelling (not often) but at times it's somewhat more tell than show.

But yeah, overall, it gets a start from me.
Sing we for joy and idleness,
Naught else is worth the having. -- Ezra Pound

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A good artist should be isolated. If he isn't isolated, something is wrong.
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