Young Writers Society

This is only part of it.


Ominous grey clouds hung over a small town called Mallard. They floated slowly in the air before the brothers lightning and thunder crackled and boomed through the late night. Soon rain drops began pouring out of the clouds, they sped towards the ground; ready to attack the humans and animals below. But, the leaves and needles of many trees that stretched over Mallard like a canopy stopped the rain. Sadly, the leaves weren’t strong and they began to bend so violently they threatened to break. So the leaves let go. The needles below were thin and only a little amount of water could rest on them so they let the water go.
Below, when the first drop hit, the precious ducks of Mallard looked around. Deciding whither or not it would be safe to stay out. When a large boom filled the late night air every duck flew away. When the ducks flew away, the rain eased and fog appeared.
Patches of fog covered the town of Mallard. It was quiet, only the barking of dogs stirred the soft silence. As the sun appeared over the horizon, flowers opened adding color to the grey town. Shops opened and people ran to work and kids ran to school.
The town of Mallard was a very well hidden town in northern Minnesota. When your drove into Mallard you say an old faded white paint sign that said, “Mallard, population 800.” The small town was close knit and included many shops, all family owned. There was a school, post office, small bank, store and a church. The houses were around the town, adding an old look to it. There was only a small dirt road off past the houses. Grass was plenty in town and at the houses. Dark woods surround the town, and a wetland that was protected.
Soon the church bells rang seven times and the children rushed to the school. The school had nine classrooms, kindergarten through eight. One class per grade, on teacher per grade. The doors shut and the only sound was the seventh grade teacher called attendance.
“Larry Burr,” She called,
“Here,”
“Bryce Kylne,”
“Positive,” Bryce called; he shook his head so his blond hockey hair moved out of his eyes. As the teacher called the rest of the kids, a note passed his desk. He reached over his books and grabbed it, and read it.

Want to come over after school?
He knew who’s handwriting that was. Bryce looked behind him and saw Rylee smiling. He nodded and turned back to the teacher. Rylee lived near Bryce; her mom was the wetland park ranger.
By the end of the school day the rain started up again. Bryce stood outside staring at the sky. “Bryce, get inside!” An old man yelled out a window Bryce turned and pushed up his wet hair that was plastered to his face.
“Come on Grandpa, I’m just having fun!” The boy complained.
“Bryce.”
“Coming,” Bryce sighed as he walked over to the post office were his grandfather was. He took off his raincoat and hung it up.
When he entered the post office, Grandpa thrust a mug of hot chocolate in front of him. “Drink,”
“Thanks,” Bryce said as he sat down and sipped on it, “Got any marshmallows?” He asked after a moment. Grandpa grunted in reply, he slowly walked over to a cabinet. He pulled it open and grabbed a bag of marshmallows. He opened it with his teeth, then grabbed four. He walked back over to his grandson and dropped the marshmallows in one by one.
Bryce watched as the marshmallows fell in with a plunk, splattering hot chocolate on his face. He lifted the mug to his lips and was about to take a sip when a frizzy haired brunet burst into the office. Bryce sighed and set the mug down on a small table next to him. “Hi Rylee.” He greeted. Rylee smiled as she squeezed water out of her braid.
“You can drink your hot chocolate.” She told her friend.
“Whew,” Bryce smiled as he sat down and gulped the hot liquid down, “Why were you outside?”
“I had to go to see if the ducks were alright, then I came here ‘cause it was closer.” She explained. Bryce shrugged,
“Want something to eat or drink?” he asked
“No, “Rylee replied, pulling off her wet coat, “I already ate.”
“Is Ol’ Dan with you?” Grandpa spoke up, walking over to Rylee and holding a large deer bone.
“He’s outside.” She replied pointing to the large black and ran bloodhound lying on the porch. The dog lifted it silver trimmed head when his name was spoken.
“When are you going to get him an apprentice?” Grandpa questioned.
“Soon,” Rylee winked at Grandpa who winked back.
“Hope it really soon.” Bryce muttered. Rylee spun to face him, “Why do you think that?” She hissed, “Do you think he’s too old to be a good guard at my mom’s reservation?” She added hotly.
“No, it’s not that! I just think Ol’ Dan should be able to relax when he wants and work when he wants.” Bryce exclaimed, Rylee relaxed after her friend was done speaking,
“Are you saying he should retire?”
“That’s exactly want I’m saying.” Rylee took the bone form Grandpa,
“I think you right, Bryce.” She said, mainly to herself, “Ol’ Dan should retire! He deserves it; he chased away so many hunters.”
With a smile Rylee ran out of the post office, she knelt beside Ol’ Dan and hugged him. Ol’ Dan’s tail thumped loudly on the wood of the porch. She handed the bone to him, who took it eagerly. She stood up, waved and ran out into the street. Ol’ Dan trotted down the steps and after her. Rylee ignored the rain beating down on her and ran towards the trail that leads to her house.
“Strange girl, she forgot her coat.” Grandpa muttered.
“She may be strange but she’s my friend.” Bryce said as he walked slowly to the living room, a gun safety packet in his hand.






CHAPTER 2

It was the weekend and Bryce stepped out of his house and into the screened porch. Rylee walked up the path, with a box in her hands. “Hey!” She called and set the box down in some shade.
“Hey,” He said and sat down on the steps. She stood in front of him, her arms crossed over her chest.
“Okay, what’s wrong?” She asked him,
“Nothing, I’m just nervous.” He replied.
“Why? Dude, your getting your gun safety license.” Rylee exclaimed happily.
“I know, it’s just, I don’t do very well on tests.” Bryce said, looking at the box.
“Okay, let’s go inside. I have something to show you.” Rylee mentioned and picked up the box. The two walked into the house and she set the box in the middle of the living room carpet. Bryce’s mom walked in, wearing a fluffy sundress.
“My, Rylee. What are you wearing?” Mrs. Kylne asked starring at her.
“Um, pants.” Rylee said and patted the box.
“Oh!” She exclaimed and sat on the couch.
“Okay, Bryce. Since you are going to start hunting. I got you something.” Rylee smiled and slowly opened the box. When the box was all the way opened, a black ball tackled down Bryce. He yelled out and pushed it away from him. A black lab pup sat on his hunches and his tongue rolled out of his mouth.
“Cool!” Bryce exclaimed and hugged the little puppy.
“His name is Ace. My aunt’s labs had puppies and he was the only one left. The only black pup, and also the runt of the litter.”
“Ace,” Bryce repeated again and scratched the pup behind the ears.

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Below, when the first drop hit, the precious ducks of Mallard looked around. Deciding whither or not it would be safe to stay out.

You need a comma after 'around', not a period.

When a large boom filled the late night air every duck flew away. When the ducks flew away, the rain eased and fog appeared.

The repetition of the words 'ducks flew away' disrupts the flow. Maybe you could change the last sentence to- Once they were gone, the rain eased and fog appeared.- or whatever you want. As long as you don't use 'ducks flew away' again.

It was quiet, only the barking of dogs stirred the soft silence.

Why would dogs be barking early in the morning after a storm?

As the sun appeared over the horizon, flowers opened adding color to the grey town.

First, you mean gray, not grey. You also need a comma after 'opened'.

When your drove into Mallard you say an old faded white paint sign that said, “Mallard, population 800.”

Rephrase the first part as 'When you drive into Mallard you see...

There was a school, post office, small bank, store and a church.

I'd phrase as- There was a school, a post office, a small bank, a store and a church.
It flows better this way.

The houses were around the town, adding an old look to it. There was only a small dirt road off past the houses. Grass was plenty in town and at the houses. Dark woods surround the town, and a wetland that was protected.

Okay, this was a little choppy and the repetition of the words 'houses' and 'town' really hurt it. Maybe you could alter a few sentences, get rid of some, and lower the repetition of those words. For examples:
-There were houses around town, adding an old look to it. There was only one dirt road, a small one that ran past the homes. Around the town was a thick forest with a protected wetland to the side.-
Notice how I got rid of the grass part? This is because every town and house has grass. It's kind of expected.

One class per grade, on teacher per grade.

Put an 'e' after 'on'.

The doors shut and the only sound was the seventh grade teacher called attendance.

Put 'calling' instead of 'called'.

he shook his head so his blond hockey hair moved out of his eyes.

What's hockey hair? Does it mean choppy? I'd use something different to describe his hair.

He knew who’s handwriting that was.

Put 'it' instead of 'that'.

Bryce watched as the marshmallows fell in with a plunk, splattering hot chocolate on his face.

If it's hot chocolate wouldn't it hurt? Maybe show some reaction to that.

She replied pointing to the large black and ran bloodhound lying on the porch. The dog lifted it silver trimmed head when his name was spoken.

Put a comma after 'replied'. What do you mean by 'large black and ran bloodhound'? What does 'ran' mean here? Also, it should be 'The dog lifted it's silver trimmed...

“When are you going to get him an apprentice?”

I don't know if 'apprentice' is the right word here. Since it's present times, I mean. You'd use it, say, back in the times of jousting and knights, but not here. Maybe you could ask when they're going to start training his replacement.

“No, it’s not that! I just think Ol’ Dan should be able to relax when he wants and work when he wants.” Bryce exclaimed, Rylee relaxed after her friend was done speaking,

You need a period after 'speaking' not a comma. Also, when you put 'Bryce exclaimed' it doesn't work since most of what he said wasn't exclaimed. Either change it to 'Bryce said' or put that part after 'No, it's not that!'.

With a smile Rylee ran out of the post office, she knelt beside Ol’ Dan and hugged him. Ol’ Dan’s tail thumped loudly on the wood of the porch. She handed the bone to him, who took it eagerly.

This section goes on a little weirdly. There are a few little mistakes, but the main reason I'd change this section is because of the last one sentence. I'm not sure why, but it just sounds weird. I'd write it as so:
With a smile Rylee ran out of the post office, knelt beside Ol' Dan, and hugged him. His tail thumped loudly on the wooden porch once he saw the bone, taking it eagerly as she presented it.

Ol’ Dan trotted down the steps and after her.

You don't need the word 'and'.

Rylee ignored the rain beating down on her and ran towards the trail that leads to her house.

Put 'led' instead of 'leads'.

Overall I liked this. You have an interesting style. The main problems were that you didn't use the right form of words at times, word repetition was also a problem, and every now and then you lost the fluidity of your piece. Other than that, though, I liked it. Keep it up.

And Spoonyles. If you're just going to type in random letters as a review, don't even try. It's pointless. Besides, it's probably too short to count as a review, so you gain nothing.

Hey Shutdown,

Ominous grey clouds hung over a small town called Mallard.

This isn't very strong for a first sentence, try "Ominous grey clouds hung over the small town of Mallard."

They floated slowly in the air before the brothers, lightning and thunder, crackled and boomed through the late night.

Commas are needed after brothers and thunder.

Patches of fog covered [s]the town of[/s] Mallard.

We already know that Mallard is a town, you don't need to repeat that.

As the sun appeared over the horizon, flowers opened adding color to the grey town. Shops opened and people ran to work and kids ran to school.

I don't like the repetition of 'opened', try instead "flowers budded adding color" and then keep "Shops opened".

[s]The town of[/s] Mallard was a very well hidden town in northern Minnesota.

Again, we know that Mallard is a town, you can keep the "well hidden town: part though.

The houses were around the town, adding an old look to it.

This sentence is confusing Do you mean the houses were on the outskirts of the town, or in the downtown area? Also how does that add an old look to it? Please explain.

He reached over his books and grabbed it, [s]and[/s] then read it.

Rylee lived near Bryce; her mom was the wetland park ranger.

Nix the semi-colon and put a period.

An old man yelled out a window Bryce turned and pushed up his wet hair that was plastered to his face.

Put a period after 'window' and start a new sentence.

Bryce sighed as he walked over to the post office where his grandfather was.

“That’s exactly want I’m saying.” Rylee took the bone form Grandpa,

*want should be what and a period after Grandpa.

“I think you right, Bryce.” She said, mainly to herself,

*you should be you're


Overall this was really good. I liked it. You do have some problems with character development though, you should work on that. Also, as mikedb had said, you tend to put the wrong word in someplaces and sometimes your story doesn't flow very well. I think that if you printed this up and read it aloud to yourself, you'd catch all of your mistakes and make it much better

I look forward to reading more,
~Onceuponatim3xo