Young Writers Society

"Aw, come on Ry, please stop. I hate when you do that before a show." I took a long drag on my cigarette before throwing it to the floor and stomping it out with my heel. Toby, was an alright guy, I guess, but he was a pretty major hypochondirac and was always thought lung cancer whenever he smelled smoke.
"You don't think the kids smell that, do you?" Adam asked.
"Honestly, I don't really give a damn. This is my seventh show in the last four days. I'm sick and tired of this stupid act." I replied. We had this same kind of conversation before every show. It had become a kind of ritual. They chided me for smoking, I complained about my job, and we got the call.
"Toby, Ryan, and Adam. You're up next." Right on cue. We did some last minute stretches and made our way to the wings. The first song song started and we began the act. The first song was a kind of a two-step country thing. We danced like clock-work, and never dropped the correct facial expressions. My job was to make the kids laugh by making surprised faces whenever Adam picked me up. Toby would hold my whole body on one leg and I was supposed to fall asleep. The show was perfect. I couldn't see any mistakes minus the last song's start-up, which we never got anyway. As we trooped off the stage, I noticed an official looking stiff across the stage on the other wing. I ignored him though, and rushed to the only open dressing room. I was out twenty seconds later and face to face with my team.
"So, where to?" I asked. "Bowling or booze?"
"Booze." Toby said. He usually made the decsions for us, so we set off. We were so close to the door. We were only a few steps away. But all of a sudden, the stiff from before slid in front of us.
"We need to talk." He stated with a gravely voice. We pulled over to the side of the hallway and waited for him to talk. We stood in a weird kind of semicircle , as if we were interviewing him. He was kind of short, a little over five feet tall.
"My name is Pete Saywer. I own the show you just performed. You did wonderful. That's why this is so hard for me to say. I'm just going to come out and say it. The company is closing. You all are out of a job."

Welcome to YWS! You have to do two reviews before you can post a story or a poem, but I'll go ahead and review this piece anyway. You should get two reviews done to compensate for submitting a story.

Toby, was an alright guy, I guess, but he was a pretty major hypochondriac and[s] was [/s]always thought he had lung cancer whenever he smelled smoke.

This piece is really short. I don't know if this is going to be a novel, novelette, or short story. My assumption is either novel or novelette. If that's the case, I'd suggest sending a whole chapter so long as it's under 1500 words. If it's a short story, you can send it in parts, or just the whole thing. From what little I've seen, I like the characters, though I feel like I don't really know them, they seem like they can be related to. I just need to spend more time with them.

Once you get four reviews on you, you should send in the next piece. I forgot to mention this, but for every piece you submit, two reviews are required. So you should make the first two reviews right now and the next two for when you send in the next piece.

Hey Took! Glad to see another new member.
Syte already reminded you of the rules, so I don't have to... but just remember that! That way everything here runs smoothly.

First off, I like this. It leaves a nice cliff-hanger. I wanna see what's going on. Why are they in this show? What's up with the company? What will they do for jobs now?

But, this is way too short... therefore it's moving way too fast. You put too much info into a small amount of text. Try stretching it out and using more description. Describe the show more, why Ryan hates his job, etc...

There is so much more you could do with this.

Toby, was an alright guy, I guess, but he was a pretty major hypochondriac and was always thought lung cancer whenever he smelled smoke.

This is structured oddly. Try this:
Toby was an alright guy, I guess. But he was a major hypochondriac and always thought 'lung cancer' whenever he smelled smoke.

The first song song started and we began the act. The first song was a kind of a two-step country thing

Too much repetiotion here. Try:
We began the act. The first song was a kind of two-step country country thing.

The reason I changed those up was because when you say it aloud, it sounds better.

Nice to meet ya. Have fun!

ye ye ye i dont get whats acctually going on here... like.. are they singers.. are they ballarina/singers like in a circus or something.. and why cant they go bowling AND booze.. huh? huh?! and whats with these kids that are around.. they bring there kid with them? and and... are these guys famous.. I thought they were touring.. or are all of these performances at this one place... i dont know

Your story is way too short but a good cliff-hanger as Livinginfantasy says.

But you should make these up,

Toby, was an alright guy, I guess, but he was a pretty major hypochondirac and was always thought lung cancer whenever he smelled smoke.

Cut the "pretty" and change "thought" to "thinking of"

The first song song started and we began the act. The first song was a kind of a two-step country thing.

You had repeated "the first song" twice.Cut the first "the first song" or change other "the first song"
to "it"

My name is Pete Saywer. I own the show you just performed. You did wonderful. That's why this is so hard for me to say. I'm just going to come out and say it. The company is closing. You all are out of a job.

If the actors had done so well,why is he closing his company?Or is this something you will be explaining afterwards?

Its a good story.

Hope you continue it.