Young Writers Society

Author's Note:

This piece is old and abandoned. Enjoy this bit of writing practice by a younger Snoink, if you so desire, but critiques and any other insults or suggestions for improvement will be otherwise ignored.

-- Snoink


The Story

She crept forward, a rope in her hands. There he was… a single man in his late twenties. He was alone in this alley, looking for his “friend.” His friend was the one who sent her on this task. She tightened her lips grimly, but didn’t falter. Her hands tightened on the rope.

Then she jumped him.

One minute, he was standing there, an impatient bewildered look on his face. The next minute he was on the floor, gagging and choking and trying his best to struggle. She was hovering over him with the rope around his neck. She tightened it. He tried to swipe her face or arms, but in a minute, his face blue, he died.

Someone clapped.

She turned and she saw a man staring at her. The man was in his mid-forties, she guessed, and wore a rich suit. He was rich, she realized with a sudden, hungry desire. He looked well fed. Nobody was well fed. Not here. She clutched her stomach automatically.

He smiled at her, still clapping. “Bravo, m’lady,” he said in a rich voice. “That was perhaps the best entertainment I’ve seen yet.”

She stood over the dead man’s body, not quite sure what to do. She had never been caught before. She was just too good. That’s why they hired her. She was the best assassin around – not too pretty (pretty just meant recognizable) and yet so slender and nimble… it was obvious from looking at her that she could get in and out tight places. A perfect assassin.

But now, the man made her nervous. She looked down at the dead man again, noticing with a certain amount of sickness how his eyes bulged out. She usually never stuck around. She hated death.

“Whaddaya want?” she called out to him. “I ain’t done nuthin’.”

His eyebrows raised and he laughed again. “Ah, but not so smart.” He glanced over his shoulder, and then walked towards the assassin. “Let’s get out of here before they find out.” He offered his arm to her. She refused it, and, when he shrugged, she pulled the rope over his head.

There was one moment of resistance, and then she felt herself being flung into the wall. She gasped. All the air felt as if it had been torn out of her chest. While she breathed in deeply, she saw him stand over her, a gun firmly in his hand.

“Well, that wasn’t very nice, was it?” She stared at him dully and then cried out, flattening herself on the wall. “Now get up.” He gestured the gun and she slowly got up. “Let’s go.”

They walked away.





More of just writing practice, if you know what I mean.

I have to try and find something wrong with Snoinks story? this will be tough.lol
"He tried to swipe her face or arms, but in a minute, his face blue, he died"
this sentance is confusing.
"He tried swiping at her face and arms only to met empty air. In less then a minute he died, his face blue"
this is clearer and gives a better mental picture..at lest to me.
i really liked how you made the murder so detailed, but were still able to leave some to the imagination.

I liked this peice as much as i can like something thats action/ adventure. I had one problem with the story, just something little but its in the beginning so i noticed straight away and it anoyed me the whole story through.

a single rope in her hands. There he was… a single man

You said single twice, there are plenty of other words that could replace it like
solitary
lone
solo
sole
particular

Other than that it was great

Snoink, we need to talk.

First, rope isn't a particularly fast method of killing people. Have you ever seen an evil villan try to kill James Bond with rope? No?

No. All the evil villans use some sort of wire. In fact, the wire would be a piano wire or a guitar string, both of which are flexible and light. If you used a rope, it would leave rope burn all over him. If an assassin was to use this method, they might as well used a silenced pistol. Either way the police would know it was a homicide, but using a gun and disposing of it is much easier than trying to get behind a man and try to crush his air pipe.

Thanks for the comments!

Concertchick16: thanks for noticing. That sentence has always been awkward. I'm not sure that your way will work (not your fault, mind you; I was the one who wrote it). So... yeah. I need to work on that a little bit more. XD

Shadowdancer: Fixed! Thank you.

Griffinkeeper: And how do you know about deaths in detail? Maybe we should talk...

Post more later...

You should read some of Ryan's stories snoink!

Er.... what makes you say that?

In the end, it seemed like the man would say something more or something clever, but that's really in your hands, not mine. Anyway, it was good for a practice piece. Well, it was very enjoyable anyway. It kind of made me laugh, though not in a bad way.

He's done lots of work with assassin stories.

Omg, that was seriously the best story I read. Write more.


Ha, ha ha. Only kiddin'! But I am using your guide on your own story.

I already like the assassin. She seems cool, just in how she talks. Also, I've never heard of a story with a femail assassin, so that got me interested.

I was also wondering if this is the entire story or just a prologue.

not too pretty (pretty just meant recognizable) and yet so slender and nimble...

*Thinks* *remembers Tip #5: make your charecters ugly.*

They went near to his car. She tried to run, but he caught her quickly and then forced her in. "A tricky vixen, aren't you?"

"Lemme go!" He ignored her and put his seatbelt on.

"Driver? Go to..."

She reached up and hit him in the face. He cried out, but grabbed onto her wrists tightly, digging his fingernails into her skin. She squirmed and cried, but she wasn't able to move.

"Go to my house," he finally said. Then he turned to the girl. "And will you behave?"

"Lemme go!" Tears were coming out of her eyes.

"Obviously not then." He looked around, finally spotting her seatbelt, and began to tie her wrists together. "You're not used to be caught, are you?" She whimpered. He ignored her, taking out a clean handkerchief out of his pocket. "Nor are you a skilled conversationist."

She felt something warm run down her wrists. Blood. She moaned and struggled more. She hated blood. "Lemme go. Please."

He took a small bottle from his shirt pocket and dipped the handkerchief in the liquid. Then, shutting the bottle tightly, he put the handkerchief over her face. "Breathe deeply."

But she couldn't resist if she could. A faint sensation spread over her body and she began quivering. The aroma was strong... very strong.

She recognized it as chloroform before going unconscious.

Ah! So she at first appears as a hick...BUT NO...she has a basic knowledge of chemistry!

The plot thickens!

Although, you're right...no sex scene...but still pretty drastic. Nice.

She felt comfortable.

That was the first sensation she had. She could feel the sunlight gently hit her face - which was probably why she woke up. But that wasn't all. She was on a soft couch with a quilt spread over her. Her weary muscles seemed to melt into the couch, and for the first time in many months, she felt relaxed.

It was a strange feeling. She had been working as an assassin in the inner city, living off whatever scraps of food she could get and living in whatever place she could find. She stole, lied, and killed just to get along. There was a certain pleasure in kiling she had, mind you -- she liked the power she felt. No matter how badly her life was going, she could be reassured that at least she was alive. But even so, it was just a job and she was so comfortable.

She didn't want to open her eyes.

If she did open her eyes, she would wake up, and she was sure this was a dream. It had to be a dream. She would wake up in a minute.

But nothing happened.

Slowly, cautiously, she opened her eyes blearily and sat up. Then she gasped.

The room she was in was beautiful. To her left, there were these large windows that opened up to this lovely garden. There were roses and carnations and... she stole a look of all of them greedily and rose from the couch. The she stopped and looked down. Instead of the black leather and tall boots she had been wearing, she was in a soft white night gown and barefooted. She looked down curiously and touched the fabric. It was cotton.

"I'm glad to see you're awake."

She turned quickly and the man that she met was there. She backed away, a terrified expression on her face.

He grinned. "What do think I'm going to do? Hurt you? I didn't hurt you, not yet. You have a pretty body, m'lady. Why would I hurt you?"

"Whaddaya want?" Her eyes were wide with alarm, and she stood with her back to the window. If he came closer...

"A business proposition." She blinked. "You are an assassin, correct?" He stared at her intently.

"Yeh."

"Very well then. I want you to kill someone for me." He coughed importantly. "You see, that man you killed was just a test. I wanted to see how well you would kill someone who was obviously very strong. So I got a friend to hire you. And you completed your task admirably. No monkey business, just straight killing. I like that. I like that a lot."

"A test?" She sounded puzzled. "But you 'ad monkey business! You's dragged me off and..." Tears began to well into her eyes.

"Oh, come off it now." He looked annoyed. "Do you want me to turn you in? If you keep talking that way, I will. I'm not going to have a little runt talking to me like that. Do you know how much money you can have by doing a simple little job for me?" He leaned forward. "A fortune!"

"Money?" she said hopefully.

"And besides," he added quickly, "I know you. I know that you like it. To see some squirm and wither in pain just before they die... what a great job. No, I know you more than you would like to think. So would you like to take this job -- or would you like me to turn you in?"

"How much?"

"A million. Sound reasonable?" The poor girl drew back, an alarmed look on her face. She mouthed the number, her mind spinning. A million.

But she stopped. "In advanced," she added quickly. "A million in advanced."

"What!" He stood up, his fists clenched. He strode towards her and she tried to hide. "You swine! You swindler! I bet you've never seen any job over a hundred, and you're..."

She tried to hide under the couch, but he easily pulled her out. And then he hit her. Hard. And then again. And her mind was spinning with blows. "Stop!" she cried out. "Stop!" But he didn't, and she was much too weak to resist.

Finally he stopped. Blood ran down her face, spiling on to her soft white night gown, and she felt dazed. She whimpered, hiding her face. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

"It's too late for that. I will turn you in now." He walked towards the door.

"Please man!" she said quickly. "I dun want much! How 'bout five in advanced? Five. I just wanna eat. I 'aven't eaten in six days. Please man."

He turned around, a strange look on his face. She turned away, still whimpering.

"Five... five..."

"You just wanted to eat?"

"Yessir. Five 'ill do. I know a good place. It's cheap there. Five for a meal. Please, I'll do it. Just five. Just five."

He stared at her for a long minute. Then he said, "I'll get the servants to wait on you."

He walked out.

Ok, I'm back, only this time I have a few coments.

They went near to his car sounds awkward. I think its the word went.

"You're not used to be caught, are you?"

The be should be a being, I think.

But she couldn't resist if she could.

This confused me as well. Could what? Would you mind clarefying(sp, of course) here?

She recognized it as chloroform before going unconscious.

Perhaps 'losing consciousness(sp, probably again)' could be substatuted for 'going unconscious'?


And in the next bit:

She was on a soft couch with a quilt spread over her. Her weary muscles seemed to melt into the couch, and for the first time in many months, she felt relaxed.

You said couch twice in two sentences.

And.. Thats all!

I'm still lovin' it! Thanks for keeping going!

this is awsome, i like the idea of a female asassin i havent read many books with one in it, only one and it was star wars lol. this is a very good start, but the man who hired here, wow talk about short tempered, big reaction over 1 mil in advance huh. this is very good; what time period is this taking place in?