Young Writers Society

"You won't get me this time!" my bro and I were having another fight, we got our guns this time and he has already shot me in the eye and back. "Your going to get tired sooner or later Jamie" I puffed "Not on your life!" My gun had skidded around the corner into Gruels yard, if I didn't hurry he would devour it whole. I run up and got my gun just as his tongue was licking on it, "Gru I told you! No eating my weapons boy!" He sat down shyly and waved as I ran past. Dave was coming up, gun aimed at my head. I got to a road block and hid behind it before firing a round in Dave's heart. He fell to the ground. I got up and sat on the road block waiting. Finally Dave got up, "OKAYYYY Jamie, you win" I laughed a victorius laugh. "Good game champ" I piped while shaking his hand. "Yeah, next time lets use bombs. I want to blow you to pieces!" "Haha too bad I can get myself back together before you can, your powers are haven't been so servicable lately" "Aw Jamie, lay off would ya!" he nugded me and we bent to sit down when we heard a lady in the Mortal world scream. We looked at each other for minute "Let's both go hmm Dave?" "Alright, but your defeating any villian that's up there, I just want to save the girl and kiss her!" I rolled my eyes "Okay, whatever, COME ON!" We flew off in the suction whole. I whispered quietly to myself "Another chance to save a life, I'm excited."

Hi Jessxrawkz!
I'm going to be honest but not too harsh ok?
You seem to have a good idea here, but it does need a lot of work.
OK at first I thought this was real, than I realized they were playing.
Please break up the paragraphs, it's not hard to do and it makes it easier to read. What do these boys look like? How old are they? I was thinking they were ten-year-olds or something. You title makes me think they have superpowers, if they do, What powers do they have?
Some more description would be awesome. It would really help the reader picture what's going on.
The imagination in this is nice. Not too bad on writing from their point of view of the world.

My gun had skidded around the corner into Gruels yard, if I didn't hurry he would devour it whole.

Who is Gruel? A dog? Or something else?
Sorry this review is so scattered. I hope I helped.

Okay, first of all, I should tell you that YWS has rules saying that you should post atleast 2 reviews before posting anything, and then you can post as much as you like, on account of keeping a 4 : 1 ratio of reviews and your own stories. So, it's a must. You have only done one review.

Okay, onto this story.

"You won't get me this time!" my bro and I were having another fight, we got our guns this time and he has already shot me in the eye and back.

The first time I read this, I could only conjure up a image of two little boys running around waving plastic guns. Now, it's okay to let the reader hanging on the first sentence, but you should at least keep one sentence that depicts who they were, what they were doing and stuff.

"You won't get me this time!" my bro (My brother) and I were having another fight,(Shouldn't this be two sentences?) we got our guns this time and he has (had) already shot me in the eye and back.

"Your going to get tired sooner or later Jamie" I puffed
"Not on your life!"

My gun had skidded around the corner into Gruels (Dog or some supernatural animal? ) yard, (and) if I didn't hurry he would devour it whole. I run up and got my gun just as his tongue was licking on it,

"Gru, I told you! No eating my weapons boy!" He sat down shyly and waved as I ran past.

Dave was coming up, gun aimed at my head. I got to a road block and hid behind it before firing a round in Dave's heart. He fell to the ground. I got up and sat on the road block waiting.

Finally Dave got up, "OKAYYYY (More appropriate to say, 'okay') Jamie, you win" I laughed a victorius laugh. (Say, "I laughed victoriously")

"Good game champ" I piped while shaking his hand.

"Yeah, next time lets use bombs. I want to blow you to pieces!"

"Haha too bad I can get myself back together before you can, your powers are haven't been so servicable lately"

"Aw Jamie, lay off would ya!" he nugded me and we bent to sit down when we heard a lady in the Mortal world scream.

We looked at each other for minute "Let's both go hmm Dave?" (I don't really understand this part, are they, like superheroes, saving the world or something?)

"Alright, but your defeating (Should be "you defeat@) any villain that's up there, I just want to save the girl and kiss her!" (What girl? I thought it was a 'lady' scream)

I rolled my eyes "Okay, whatever, COME ON!" We flew off in the suction whole. (Suction whole? I think you must have meant 'Suction hole')

I whispered quietly to myself "Another chance to save a life, I'm excited."

Alright, this what I can see,

You have not developed your characters. I mean, all I see in my is a picture of two faceless boys, shooting at each other with toy guns and then flying to save a lady. No description of the characters, like who they were, how old they were, What they were? Nothing was given in your story. It was blank. And you haven't included a single emotion or feeling of any of the two characters. And the fact that 'Jamie' is you, you should have explained his/her feelings better than that, his/her emotions, personality, behavior, were not explained.

Those things should be included in a story. And the fact remains about where they were. At their house, A park, A school, where? A story without wear is like a picture with a black ground, dull and disappointing. The reader should be able to see through the character's eyes, and see his/her surrounding just as the characters sees it. That's how a story should be.

Keeps these facts in your mind the next time you write a story. Good luck.