Young Writers Society

[NOTE: The two kids are named after two kids I helped get some vital presents they needed this Christmas. Along with a couple that were just luxury. Merry Christmas, Greg & Deserie!]

Who doesn't remember their most favorite Christmases? Of course they're all spectacular and filled with magic; but aren't there just a few that stick out in your mind? The ones that you remember that other spark?
Greg and Deserie's don't have just one spark, but their absolute favorite and most marvelous Christmas was filled with fireworks. It wasn't presents that did this, it wasn't anything regular, and it wasn't anything that Greg and Deserie would ever experience again.


Clink, clonk, tap, tap.
Deseries eyes shot open, something was on the roof – someone was on the roof.
“Greg!” Deserie shot up from her side of the room and rushed over to her brothers bed and shook him awake.
“Is it time to get up yet?”
“No, but I think I just heard Santa!”
“Deserie, try to go back -” Clink, clonk.
“See!”
Greg hopped out of bed and grabbed his sisters hand.
Whoosh! Plunk!
“He's inside, Greg!”
“Shh!”
Tap, tap, tap, tap, there was the soft sound of boots hitting the floor.
Deserie and Greg tip-toed into the hallway, right in the other room there was shuffling, and muffled crunches from someone eating cookies.
Greg peeked his head around the corner of the hallway, and sure enough there he was.
His back was turned to them, and the Christmas tree lights could only cast a silhouette of him and his big red suite. He was eating cookies and reading the two paged letter they left for him. Half of the letter was questions. Santa Claus was in their house, and he was that close.
Deserie was next, her mouth dropped into a "O" and a small gasp escaped her lips.
“Santa,” she whispered.
Santa whipped around and his mouth mocked Deseries.
“Deserie,” Santa smiled, “Greg, aren't you two up a little late? Your parents tucked you in a while ago, didn't they?”
“We're sorry Santa! We heard something – you, on the roof, and we couldn't help coming out.”
“Well,” Santa leaned down eye level with them, “would you like to stay and watch?”
Greg and Deserie smiled at each other and nodded, “Yes, please,” they whispered.
Santa took hold of their hands and picked each one up and softly sat them down on the couch.
Greg and Deserie watched mesmerized as Santa pulled each present out of his bag and wrapped them quickly; much too quickly for their eyes to see what the presents were. And then placing them neatly under the tree.
After he was done, he walked over to them.
He placed his hands on his hips, "You two have been very good this year."
"We always try to be, we like helping Mommy and Daddy." Greg beamed up at Santa.
"You two are in the top twenty-five in my nice list, I'm very proud."
Deserie smiled, "Really, Santa?"
"Really, my sweet Deserie," Santa turned to Greg, "I hope you keep it up, Greg! Next year you're the big one-oh!"
"I will, Santa, I promise."
"And Deserie, you're going to be seven. Time sure fly's by doesn't it?"
Deserie nodded.
Santa tapped his finger to his chin, “How would you two like to ride in my sleigh?”
“Really, Santa?” Greg's eyes bugged out just a bit.
“Yes, if you would like to.”
They both nodded, Santa whisked them off the couch and before they knew it they were in his sleigh.
“On dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer, and Vixen! Comet, and Cupid, and Donner and Blitzen!”
And off they were, in the air with Santa Claus.
“Ho, Ho, Ho!”
Santa's rosy cheeks were vibrant, and his eyes were twinkling, and his white fluffy beard was flowing behind him.
“Is this actually real?” shouted Greg.
“It sure is,” laughed Santa.
Santa took them to New York City in just four seconds, Hollywood in six, and Dallas in two! They flew fast and high, and smiled the whole way through. Brilliant lights were buzzing beneath them, and the wind on the faces made it a little hard for them to see.
But it all ended too soon, and they had to go back home.
“How did you two enjoy the ride?”
“Awesome,” shouted Deserie.
“Magic,” said Greg.
“Now you know what you two have to do now, don't you?”
Deserie frowned and her lip pouted, “Go to bed?”
Santa nodded, “Don't you want to wake up and unwrap all the cool presents?”
Greg and Deserie nodded as tears filled their eyes.
“Don't cry,” Santa took them into his arms and hugged them, "you'd better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout I'm tellin' you why, Santa Claus is coming to town." Santa sang softly and quietly in their ears.
"He's making a list, checking it twice, gonna find out who's naughty and nice, Santa Claus is coming to town," Greg and Deserie both sang in synchronization, it made Santa smile and laugh.
"Are you two ready for bed?" Greg and Deserie nodded.
Within a blink, they were back in their room.
Santa walked them both to their bed and pulled the covers over them.
“Goodnight, Greg.” Santa kissed his forehead, and reached into his pocket and sprinkled a glittery substance over him. It made Greg very sleepy.
“Goodnight, Deserie.” Santa kissed her forehead, and sprinkled the same glittery substance over her.
“Merry Christmas, Santa.” They both said together.
“Merry Christmas, kids.”
Santa gave them both a wink, and he was gone.
Greg and Deseries eyes fluttered down.
“On dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer, and Vixen! Comet, and Cupid, and Donner and Blitzen!” with a few hooves hitting the roof, a “ho, ho, ho” in the distance, Greg and Deserie both fell asleep with a smile on their face; exited to wake up and upwrap all of their presents.

Hi! I'm Narniafreak!
Cute Story! =]

“Santa,” she whispered.
Santa whipped around and his mouth mocked Deseries.

Alright, since Deseries says "Santa" her mouth isn't in an "O" shape which is most likely what Santa's is right? So don't compare his mouth her hers since she changed it.

“Well,” Santa leaned down to their height,

To me, this phrase sounds a little weird. So maybe change to something along the lines of "he leaned down so he was eye level with them" Just a suggestion

as Santa pulled each present out of his bag and wrapped them quickly; placing them neatly under the tree

So he's wrapping the presents at the house, not at the North Pole? And he's allowing the children to see all their presents before Christmas morning?

“On dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer, and vixen! Commit, and Cupid, and Donner and Blitson!”

Okay, capitalize Dasher and Vixen. Also, Commit is spelled Comet and Blitson is Blitzen. You did the same thing later on at the end, so fix both.

Is this actually real?” Shouted Greg

"shouted" doesn't need to be capitalized.

Santa took them to New York, New York City in just four seconds. California, Hollywood in six, and Texas, Dallas in two!

I'm pretty sure you don't need the states' names too. The cities alone should be fine since their large, well-known cities.

“Incredible,” shouted Deserie

Think about their ages. To me they both sound really young. And I don't think someone like would know or be able to say words like "incredible". If she is old enough to though, please hint to the readers how old they are so they sound more realistic.

Good Job! I liked it, very cute! And it makes me feel good about the upcoming holidays!
=]

-Narniafreak!

Hi there!

This is a very cute idea! Being in Santa's presence would very much be a magical experience! Building off of that, I think you could do better in describing how awesome (in both meanings of the word) the moment was for two younger, innocent children with hopeful dreams, etc. Description is key!

Generally, your characters were flat. The kids were cute, and Santa seemed on the right track as well, but the reader can't tell from one to the other. Every one of them is happy and smiley. Perhaps one is quiet and in awe while the other is jumpy and talkative? Give the children a bit of their own individual character. It'll make this seem more realistic and interesting to read.

I like how you used Christmas lyrics and such. Very cute idea!

I don't have anything else to say, really. The story right now is more of a skeleton. Now to just give it some meet. Describe. It'll make this so much better to help the reader picture it, relate to it, and generally love it 'cause honestly, who wouldn't want to meet Santa Claus?

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

There really isn't much more to criticize, but I really love your story!

I do think you ought to describe more, and there is one thing I'd change

"Awesome," shouted Deserie
"Magic," said Greg.

I would switch it around, so that the girl says 'Magic' and the guy says 'awesome'- would seem a bit more likely

~Mel

Hello.
This was a cute story, but I have a few major problems with it.
First, the story was very generic - too many things about it fell flat.
It read just like a retelling of the night before christmas; Santa comes to happy children who get gifts.
Although your story is well written, there's nothing particularly original or memorable about it. Try adding a twist to this classic tale.
If you don't there's nothing to remember.
PM if you have questions.