Young Writers Society

This is an excerpt from a novel I am working on for a project, well, sort of a personal project.


Sariah nearly ran out of the air terminal as soon as the plane landed, her blond ponytail bouncing out of her Yankee’s baseball cap. She was finally here, after two days travel, she was here, where she wanted to be. She had decided to travel abraod for a school year, in Isreal and would be staying with a family in Jerusalem, the capital city of the country.
She quickly went straight to the money exchanger. She inserted her doller bills and coins, recieveing Israeli money, Shekles and Angoras taking their place. She put the money in her wallet, and tucked it neatly inside of her organized purse.
Sariah rolled her bag through the airport as she got off the plane. The airport was bustling from people all over the world. Different complexions, smells, clothes, and food surrounded her.
As she followed the signs to the bag carousel she could smell a familiar smell and turned, Golden Arches bringing a smile to her lips. A McDonalds, of course. The greasy, salty french fries and burgers could be smelled probably from miles away, and she couldn’t help but stop.
“Boker Tov!” a man at the cash register said.
“Boker Tov,” Sariah replied, replaying the language she had learned in her mind.
“Ata medaber anglit?”
“Yes,” the man said, his voice heavy with accent. “What, uh, would you like?”
“I’ll have just a McChicken please,” she replied. She sat there for a moment as he rang up the price.
“Three seventy shekles please,” he said, holding out his hand.
She reached into her small purse, pulling out the money she had converted just moments ago. She handed the man three shekles, half a shekle coin, and two ten agorots.
He handed her a small bag, golden arches on the front. “Toda!” she called, heading off.
She sat at the bag carousel for a few moments before her own burgundy bag rolled around, allowing her to make a grab for it. As soon as she was sure she had gotten both her burgundy and blue suitcase, along with her carry on and purse, she headed out into the brisk, steaming sunlight. It was around seventy eight degress Fahrenheit, that being near the average temperature in September.
She quickly sat down on a nearby bench, watching as cars drove by. The city was huge, and people were everywhere. Sariah was surprised that the family who she would be staying with hadn’t met up with her in the airport, but maybe they were late. Traffic could be bad in Jerusalem, it being a big city.
“Sariah!” a woman’s voice called out. She turned, seeing a woman coming towards her. “Sariah! Shalom!”
“Shalom!” Sariah said, standing up and walking towards the woman. This must be her “mom” for the time being that she would be staying in Jerusalem.
The woman threw her arms around Sariah, welcoming her in a jumble of Hebrew words. “Neshama,” the woman pointed to herself as she and Sariah let go of each other.
“Neshama,” Sariah nodded. Sariah took in Neshama’s full appearance. Neshama had dark hair, and beautiful, warm, chocolate brown eyes. Her skin was of a tan complexion, but not black.
“This, uh, way…” Neshama stuttered, her English being barely understandable.
Sariah nodded again and followed Neshama, but didn’t follow very far until she let out a shriek.
She stopped and her eyes grew wide, Neshama turned looking at her. She asked her what’s wrong, but all Sariah could do was point and stare. There, in the shadow of Neshama, was a giant spider. The spider crawled around inside of the pool of black.
Neshama’s eyes suddenly filled with laughter, and she laughed as well. “It’s a camel spider,” she said, stepping away, and the camel spider following her shadow.
“Will it, will it bite?” Sariah asked. She had heard of Camel Spiders being brought from Israel, but she didn’t think she’d actually see one.
“Only if threatened. They not poisonous,” Neshama said. “Come, to car.”
Sariah shuddered, but couldn’t help but look at the spider following Neshama. They walked slowly to where the car waited, a stout man at the steering wheel.
“Shalom,” he said, smiling. He had a crooked smile, and dark hair and eyes, just like his wife.
“Shalom,” Sariah replied. They quickly put the bags in the trunk, and Sariah slid in the back seat, a two year old child next to her. The toddler had a head of dark hair, and brown eyes, apparently, from his parents.
“Shalom,” Sariah said, smiling at the child. But the child just threw her head back and cried.
“Abby,” Neshama said, reaching back from the passenger seat and stroking the baby’s hair, trying to make her calm down. She handed back a small bag of cereal that looked much like Cheerio’s to Sariah.
Abby reached her chubby fingers into the small bag and stuffed the snack in her mouth, grinning with satisfaction.

I thought this was a really cool story...although there was something about it that really didn't make me like it as much as I thought I would. For some reason, the part about the McDonald's doesn't really seem to fit into the story for me. Maybe you could shorten the MickeyD's part, and focus more on the family Sariah's going to spend a year with, after all, I'm guessing that they're going to be a big part of the story. Overall you actually had pretty good grammar and spelling. Good job.
-Jane

Hi! You're taking on a very unique subject matter and that makes it challenging; I like it! I hope you're able to take on the Middle East. I just wonder, where did your inspiration come from?

Ok, there were only two spelling mistakes I caught (in the first paragraph you said "abraod" (abroad) and "Isreal" (Israel)). But I would also like to comment on your writing style. I can tell you were trying to demonstrate Sariah's excitement, but she came off as a little too enthusiastic. It was the only emotion I picked up, so she seemed shallow. The way she addressed the Mickey D's man was...off. She didn't seem confident or self-conscious. She just spat out some Hebrew and out popped the McChicken. Was she only excited, or was there an element of fear and uncertainty as well? Is she dangerously bubbly--careless to an unsafe degree? You could even use that to foreshadow trouble in her future. Isn't she afraid of terrorists (sorry) or something?

And the Hebrew...it's fine that you used it, but you introduced at least six phrases in less than a page. We were smashed with facts on language, facts on the temperature, facts on the money and the local wildlife... It was overwhelming and an unpleasant culture-shock for the reader. If you put in just one or two new words/facts and repeated them every now and then (but not in excess) the reader would remember them and learn something new (yay).

Overall, the story was too lighthearted. I bet the conflict comes later, but there needs to be some sort of tension in the beginning to hook the reader. Write to make me sad, scared, and disturbed.
I think this topic has a lot of potential, and I'm looking forwards to seeing what kind of adventures Sariah will have.

I hope you find some aspect of this helpful.

there wasn't any conflict yet, although your general description of the setting is quite impressive and i think you are also developing your characters fine. you did your research and somewhat study the Hebrew language (if i am not mistaken). it sounded authentic, that the girl is actually in Jerusalem. i wouls also like to point out your use of the camel spider, which was good indeed. out of a static line, there was suddenly a tiny blip ( which was the camel spider) and it did catch my attention. although however, a grander arc (which would be the inital conflict) is necessary to keep your reader's attention. i know that you are building up on something in here, and i really want to see it. otherwise, the post could have been premature. anyways, i like your style and i really want to see these characters in three-dimension, ya know waht i mean. =)

I really like your beginning. Your descriptions make it seem as if I was actually in Israel, and they seemed pretty accurate.
A couple questions, though. How did Sariah get into this study abroad thing? Where did she find host parents?
Also, I agree with rachelH2O about the Hebrew. Try to cut down a little bit, or at least subtly say what it means, maybe in the back of the final thing.
Overall, it's an interesting beginning, and the camel spider builds up some tension. I hope this helped, and I can't wait to read the rest of what happens to Sariah.

I'm actually going to Israel for three weeks on a medical mission trip, to work with a group called Shevet Achim in Jerusalem. I leave May 4, so in about four days. I was really happy to find this - perfect timing!

I've never been to Israel before, but I am studying Middle Eastern culture as my major in college, so I know a fair bit about it. From the little Hebrew (and Arabic) that I know, as well as what I know about the region, your descriptions are pretty accurate so far. (Camel spiders, urgh! )

You've started this off nicely, with an introduction to the characters and setting, and only the tiny conflict of the yucky spider. I'm really curious to see where you're going to take this. (I do agree with someone's opinion posted previously - Sariah seems just a bit too confident. Confidence is good, but she almost seems TOO comfortable.)

Thanks for sharing, and I'm looking forward to more!

Hey Queenie!

First of all, typos! You have a couple. Run it through a spell checker and it'll be a lot more awesome.

Next of all, I agree with the others! Too comfortable... I want to see some nerves! Or, if she is not nervous at all, I want to see her get hoodwinked or something... that way, she has a flaw! Right now, she has no flaw, which makes her a little bit like a Mary Sue... always a bad thing!

Also, conflict! There should be some! Maybe not now, but soon! At least show us a flaw so that we can see a possible direction.