Young Writers Society

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Hey Hannah!

I just found this. Soooo... I figured I would critique it!

The dialogue is rather bleh. I generally like to see more action in between the dialogue, especially when the dialogue is wordy, as it is now. For instance:

“Because there is no good in this world and because of him. Because of him, my darling. He did this.”

“He said that he was not real and you believe him?”

“I believe him.”

“But you said you loved him before, and now you doubt him?”

“Yes.”

“Did Yulia doubt her husband when he told her he would return from the Poland war with medals and awards and a new life for her?”

“I am sure that though she told the world she knew in her heart, that she doubted. She looked around at the faces that passed her and each stranger told her that he would die because they looked at her growing belly and her empty arm and of course she doubted.”

“She didn’t doubt, Aleksandrina.”

But what are they doing? How are their faces contorting as they speak these? The lack of description hinders us from understanding the characters better. Yes, there are lots of inner dialogue and angst going on, but inner angst can be horribly deceptive and actions can often show us better what is really going on.

For instance, sometimes I'll get really really depressed and grouchy. I'll frown and won't look people straight in the eye and I will think thoughts which are moody and rather unkind. I will be very depressed and feel completely overwhelmed, as if there was nothing I could do. If that was the only perspective that you got from me, then it would flavor my character in a rather unflattering light. But the truth is, whenever somebody I know sees me like this, they know that I have low blood sugar. And they will be annoyed and feed me.

So physical actions MUST play a role in stories. Otherwise, it's just a bunch of mush.

Right now, you have it mostly introspective. Turn it so that the physical plays a valuable part in the story. Plus, honestly, that would make it more Russian. Russian literature, while it doesn't mind going deep into the thoughts, thrives on the physical. So make it so.

Also, your other characters are pretty much non-existent. Which makes it seem very navel-gazing. It's all about Aleksandrina. But really, can't something else matter? Even if she is completely self-absorbed, why does the story only center on her? After all, it's not first person. And third person limited it may be, but that doesn't mean that the other characters should be trivial.

So yeah. Rewrite it.

Okay! Let me continue.

“Why are you still going?” Mariam asks. The red watch is close to Aleksandra’s ear and she hears her friend’s voice very clearly, as if it were not impossible.

I don't understand the tie between this red watch and Mariam. I realize that "time running out" is a big theme here, and Mariam seems like Aleksandra's comforting presence during her last hours, but I'm missing the connection!

Also. Who keeps a watch close to their ear, unless they're purposefully listening to the ticking? It's not a natural position.

“He said that he was not real and you believe him?”

“I believe him.”

“But you said you loved him before, and now you doubt him?”

“Yes.”

“Did Yulia doubt her husband when he told her he would return from the Poland war with medals and awards and a new life for her?”

“I am sure that though she told the world she knew in her heart, that she doubted. She looked around at the faces that passed her and each stranger told her that he would die because they looked at her growing belly and her empty arm and of course she doubted.”

“She didn’t doubt, Aleksandrina.”

“Well, I don’t believe him!” And she reaches into her pocket with her free hand so she can leave Mariam’s words in her ear. She pulls out the paper and reads it and some words gnaw deeper holes in the flesh of her chest, aiming always true to her heart as Tell’s arrows.

I'm really confused at this point. I thought I was keeping up pretty well up to here, but this half-conversation has too many missing links to be understood. It's okay to leave some things mysterious, but look at it like an algebra problem. If you have too many unknown variables in the equation, you can do as much calculating as you want and still not be able to come up with a simplified, clear answer. There are too many variables in this conversation, too many vague "its" and "shes" and "hes" and "thens". What does she or does she not believe, about who, and about what which was said by who, who is unknown to us and who maybe... YEAH. I don't know what I just said, either.

Okay. Just finished it. And I thought I was doing so well with the plot and everything. Looks like I was over analyzing. This is more theme and character introspection that actual storyline, it seems.

I don't get it, Hannah. Seriously. I liked dissecting it, but in the end I'm not satisfied because nothing went anywhere and no metaphors connected and the characters weren't explained and it just feels like nothing. =( And I really could like it, CBF! I really could, because you're a great writer and it's fun to just immerse myself in the things you write, but this evaporated the second I tried to fully appreciate it.

1.) Characters.

Aleksandra is THE CHARACTER, is seems, but even she is left unexplained because of how distant and third-person voice you used. Like Snoinkus said, everyone else flitted in and out of the lens of focus but never really seem to matter much. In the beginning I think Mariam's the important one. But, no, Kir is the one she wishes she loved? But Katia! And then Mariam again...and then this GUY. Her heart breaker. By now I'm confused!

2.) Underlying theme, imagery, metaphor

All that tied this thing together for me was the atmosphere, the airy, distant, mystical and hallucinatory feel of the entire narration. And I thought that was pretty cool.

(As an interesting observation, however, it contrasted the idea/theme of "running out of time", because since you used such long-winded almost-run-on sentences, things seemed to drag listlessly instead of crash along. Basically, you say that there's no time left for even water, but everything moves kind of in slow motion, like it's careening through jello. Not necessarily bad! Just an observation.)

But then even the running out of time thing fades away in the second half. The significance of the watch fades away. This heart-breaker guy fades in. The pattern here is fading-- nothing cohesive but Aleksandra, everything else just drifting through at the author's leisure. I'm not sure what matters anymore.

I don't know what I just read! It was good, okay. Well-written, sure. But it left no imprint on me except for mild irritation because I'm not satisfied with the answers (or lack thereof), and I really just don't know what was going on.

AND WHAT ABOUT THE COFFEE? She never drank coffee.

;P Focus less on experimentation and work on getting a point across-- even a loose theme would be nice! There's just not much that held this together as an entire piece. But I luffs you and I still am a Hannah-writing fan!

~Evi

I hate to say it... but I am still totally lost. I have a few main gripes, but mostly there's just a huge "wtf?" bubble floating over my head right now. First, Aleksandrina is a ridiculously long name. It's like five syllables. I feel like this is just overkill. I thought at first that this was a fantasy story because of all the strange names, but then we're talking about Poland and Baltimore and Buenos Aires, so now I"m thinking that it's futuristic or perhaps alternate history even? Either way, I honestly don't have a clue.

You're clearly a gifted writer, but whatever you're trying to do here is soaring right over your readers' heads. There are a lot of characters and (what seems like) a lot of backstory and a lot of quick dialogue, but not a lot of explanation or unfolding. It seems like things are just dropped in without a sense of order.

My recommendation to you is to put the two parts together, and really think about how you want the story to flow from start to finish; how you'll introduce and then conclude each storyline that crops up. Good luck!