Young Writers Society

... The door creaked open, which was strange, considering I hadn’t touched it.

“COME IN,” a loud voice boomed, from somewhere in the castle.

Oh, why not? I thought, and carefully stepped into the castle. The door began to close, and I tried to hold it open but it was to strong, and almost crushed my fingers. By now I was shaking uncontrollably, and I tried to get out. Dang it! The door locked. I began to weep, but couldn’t help looking around the castle. I was in an intricately furnished living area, with a winding staircase, and two doors.

Deciding nothing else could go wrong, I entered the first door. Inside there was a medieval looking kitchen, but something was wrong. There was a big stainless steel fridge on one side. I exited that room, and went into the second door. Immediately I saw a man, who also looked from medieval times, and he was wearing a crown.

“COME TO ME,” he bellowed.

“Umm, no thanks. I’ll just leave now,” I whimpered. I turned around to leave, but the door slammed shut.

“I AM KING WILBERT, AND I HAVE COME TO THIS ERA IN TIME FOR YOUR HELP. MY DAUGHTER CELESTE HAS BEEN PUT UNDER A SPELL AND HIDDEN SOMEWHERE IN THE CASTLE. I HAVE LOOKED FOR TWO YEARS, AND MY MAGIC MIRROR TOLD ME TO GO TO THE CHOSEN ONE, WHICH IS YOU.”

“Um no, I think you’re thinking of my brother. I’ll go get him if you want.”

“NONSENSE! IT IS YOU, SO GO FIND HER!!”

“But”

“NO BUTS! GO!!”

The door opened again, and I obediently left. He probably will kill me if I don’t find her!! I guess I’ll start upstairs, so I began climbing up the staircase. Of course!! Princesses are always locked up in towers! Chuckling to myself, I thought that maybe King Wilbert was not as smart as he acted.
I reached the top, but all I found was a bed and a window.

Maybe theirs a hidden compartment under the bed. I checked, but all I found was a note. Cautiously I opened it. It read:



Uhh! How is that going to help! I stared at the note until it became so blurry I couldn’t read it anymore. Laying down on the bed, I let the tears escape. King Wilbert is going to kill me! I am going to die!

Once all of my tears had come out, and I had no more, I got an idea! Now and then! The medieval kitchen with the modern fridge! I hopped up and jumped downstairs. Once again I felt hopeful, but I knew that I couldn’t get to excited yet.

I entered the kitchen and put a hand on the fridge handle. What if it’s a trap? What should I do? I decided to open it, realizing I had nothing to lose. But again, there was just a note. This time it read:



Okay, this ones even harder!! I am not going to allow myself to freak. I’ll just sit down and think about this.

I went into the living room and sat down on a chair, that was super nice, yet uncomfortable. Ornate... What could that mean? Well the “orna” part might be as in “orna”ment, like a decoration on a tree. But there isn’t a Christmas tree.

Maybe it means some other kind of decoration. I looked around. Everything was decorated, especially a thick book on a fancy bookshelf. That’s it!! Ornate means fancy! That book looks fancy, with its gold leafed cover and stitching.

Hurriedly, I open the book and began flipping through the pages. Five minutes later, on page number 1,392 I found another note. I am so sick of these dumb notes! I opened it anyways, and it said:



Yes! I’m almost done! A crest would probably be like a family crest, or symbol on a door or something. We have a family crest, but its on the outside of our door! I bet theirs is to! How am I going to get outside when all the doors are locked and the only window in the tower, like 30 ft from the ground. Their must be a rope or something somewhere.

I began looking around for something rope-like. I noticed some of the fringe on the rug was fraying off. Maybe I could pull the rest of it off. I tugged on it, and it would budge. I need something sharp to brake apart the stitching. I noticed a sword hung on the wall. Oh boy, that looks dangerous.

I got up and pulled it off, the weight of it nearly tipping me over. I lugged it back to the rug, and sliced off the rest of the fringe. In all I had about a one inch in diameter rope that was about 20 feet long. Probably not long enough, but it will have to do. I went back up the staircase into the tower, holding the sword.

When I entered the room, I saw that the window couldn’t open, so I took a deep breath and stabbed it with the sword. Surprisingly, it came off in one chunk.

I stepped onto the roof and looked for something to tie the rope to. I saw a pole on the edge and tied it to it. Don’t look down, don’t look down!

I clung to the rope, and began to lower myself down. About ten feet from the ground, I reached the end of rope rope. I need to jump! 1...2...3!

I jumped and landed in a squatting position. Walking around to the front door, I realized I was free! But when I got more than 2 feet from the building, some invisible force field stopped me. Ugh, never mind! I headed back for the front door.

The crest was right there! I ran to it and touched it. All of a sudden, everything around me got swirly, and I seemed to be in another dimension. I squeezed my eyes shut, thinking I was dying. But when I opened my eyes, I realized I was not dead. I was in some sort of white space, and I saw nothing except for a person walking toward me. As she got closer, I saw she was a witch.

“You have unlocked my spell. Here is the princess,” she said. She disappeared and I realized a girl about my age was next to me.
“You saved me! How can I ever repay you?” she squealed.

“ I want to go home!” I whimpered.

“Then home you will go.” She touched me, and everything got swirly again until I was back home in my living room. I looked out my window, and saw the princess and King Wilbert waving to me as they and their castle disappeared.

Stange short story but interesting to say the lest. I did enjoy it, but the main character felt dull and a bit underdeveloped.
You had my attension all the way through however so it was still a good short either way.
Good job and look forward to more of your work.
-Dawn

Hi, PenNPaper here to review!

and I tried to hold it open but it was to strong

Wrong form of 'to' here. It should be 'too'.

Dang it! The door locked.

Were you trying to say 'The door was locked'?. Because just saying 'the door locked' may have suggested that the door locked itself.

AND MY MAGIC MIRROR TOLD ME TO GO TO THE CHOSEN ONE, WHICH IS YOU.”

Nothing really wrong here but...the 'chosen one' thingy is quite cliche. There are other titles you could give the hero, like the Peacekeeper, Guardian, or the Justice Seeker.

I need something sharp to brake apart the stitching

Although they sound exactly the same, their meanings are different. In this case, it should be 'break'.

About ten feet from the ground, I reached the end of rope rope

I think you wanted to say, 'reach the end of the rope' ?

Nice story here, although I have some questions. What was your main character's name? And how old was he? And also he seemed to be a quite timid too. When a witch appears in front of him, he just looks at her? Try to describe the king and the princess a little more too. Did the king have a beard, did he wear a crown, or a cape? Was the princess beautiful, did she wear a dress? If you had put all these details into the story it would have been better.

Hi!
This is interesting and kept my attention to the very end, so good job.

A few nitpicks:

“COME IN,”

Try to avoid capitals: it is distracting and not very nice to read. Describing how loud the king said it is enough

Oh, why not? I thought, and carefully stepped into the castle. The door began to close, and I tried to hold it open but it was to strong, and almost crushed my fingers. By now I was shaking uncontrollably, and I tried to get out. Dang it! The door locked. I began to weep, but couldn’t help looking around the castle. I was in an intricately furnished living area, with a winding staircase, and two doors.

I'm a little confused here, because from the first bold bit, I gathered that the character was quite brave - not many people would enter a castle to a booming voice. However, after the second bolded bit.... if the character was brave, he wouldn't just weep, he would probably do more to try to get out. Just make sure to make the character have a definite personality (constantly brave, etc...)

Immediately I saw a man, who also looked from medieval times, and he was wearing a crown.

I would like to know why he looked from medieval times: what kind of outfit is he wearing? Is he tall, bearded, old? Remember, show, don't tell

“NONSENSE! IT IS YOU, SO GO FIND HER!!”

Avoid more than one exclamation mark, it's not necessary.

The door opened again, and I obediently left. He probably will kill me if I don’t find her!! I guess I’ll start upstairs, so I began climbing up the staircase. Of course!! Princesses are always locked up in towers!

Same thing here.

Maybe theirs there's a hidden compartment under the bed.

I found the 'their' and 'there' confusion quite a bit in this piece, basically:

'their' = something belonging to them, ex: Their knees were trembling.

there = to point something out, ex: 'There are three people in the room' or "Jenny, it's over there!"

'there's' = there is, ex: 'There's a cupboard in my room'

Sorry, I'm not very good at explaining these things, but I hope it makes sense (:

You think that you’ve outsmarted me,
But think again.
If you want to find the princess,
Go to now and then.

I really like your little riddle things, they're smart.

Uhh! How is that going to help! I stared at the note until it became so blurry I couldn’t read it anymore. Laying down on the bed, I let the tears escape. King Wilbert is going to kill me! I am going to die!
Once all of my tears had come out, and I had no more, I got an idea! Now and then! The medieval kitchen with the modern fridge!

There are too many exclamation marks here, which somehow takes some of the seriousness out of the text. Watch out for that.

but I knew that I couldn’t get to excited yet.

*too

I went into the living room and sat down on a chair, that was super nice, yet uncomfortable.

Why was the chair super nice? Was it nicely decorated? Expand a bit more here.

Their must be a rope or something somewhere.

*there

I need to jump!

1...2...3

!

*one... two... three! ... avoid abbreviations.

As she got closer, I saw she was a witch.

How did he recognise her as a witch? Was she wearing a black hat, did she have a warty nose? ... didn't he feel unsettled on seeing a witch? I sure would...

Well, that's all in terms of nitpicks. So, overall, it was a sweet short story. However, I think you do need to expand in certain places, and develop the characters a bit more.

I hope I helped, and if you have any questions, PM me!

Keep writing!

~Lilicia