z

Young Writers Society


Mastermind



User avatar
14 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 3063
Reviews: 14
Mon Aug 02, 2010 6:16 pm
Hiadel says...



Richard looked across the room at his boss. A small round light bulb was the only thing giving the area life. The little brightness it provided illuminated the small warehouse office they were sitting in. Metal file cabinets and a small wobbly table finished off the rouge look that all bank robbers look for in a hideout.

Only a small sliver of this dim light reached his boss’s suit and tie in the darkness of the room around them. His boss’s face was covered by the dark, the light unable to reach his face. They were finalizing a job Richard and his crew of robbers had just completed. Five million dollars had just flown from the hands of the good people at the first national bank into the pockets of Richard, his crew, and his boss who was sitting across the table from him.

“The money will be here in a few hours, I have to go pick it up at the drop off site. It would have been stupid of us to carry that much money with us all the way here. I promise it won’t be long.” Richard said. He stood up and closed the door behind him as he walked away.

Going out to his car in the parking lot of the warehouse Richard passed by Gomez and Tom, the two robbers who had helped him do the job. Cigarettes dangled from their mouths, a hard day’s work completed.

“You two will get your cash tomorrow morning, I have to go pick it up and give the boss his share tonight. I’ll see to it you guys get your share.”

The two goons looked at Richard and then turned back to their cigarettes. Richard got into his car and drove off. After a few minutes Gomez and Tom got into another car and headed off down a nearby highway.

“Why did we have to deal with the boss man?” Tom asked as Gomez drove the car against the night.

“Don’t know. All I know is that Richard said that we needed the boss man’s money to get this job off the ground. Where else would we find the money for those guns?”

"I still don't like it. I think we're putting to much trust on Richard and the boss. Besides, the boss is so secretive. He won't even show us his face."

“He just wants to keep himself safe. What if we had gotten busted while pulling the heist? He would have had his ass in as much trouble as us.”

“That’s part of the gamble.” Tom said, not satisfied.

“No it’s not Tom, he was our investor, and someone who should be protected. Thieves have to have someone to support them, right? We can’t let them be afraid to support us. This way if they lose, all they lose is their money.”

Gomez pulled up to a stoplight. The only thing around him and Tom was an empty road and the countryside, all covered by the night.

“Richard might be the only guy the boss talks to about all this, but don’t worry. We can trust Richard. He’s covered us in the past, and I don’t think he’d screw us over.”

Tom took a deep breath from his cigarette and thought about the past. Richard had been there for them when the going got tuff. More than once Richard had nearly gotten killed trying to cover both Tom and Gomez’s butts.

“O.K.” Tom said, giving up. They were still going to get the money, why bother?

“The only thing that bothers me is that I think this time around the ratios were a little crooked. The boss man gets 45 percent while we have to split up the rest. I know it’s still going to be a lot, but really, that much?”

Tom nodded in agreement. “I guess the only thing we can do now is take the money and move on. We’ll haul in more the next time.”

---

Richard pulled through the gates to the warehouse and parked his car. He went around to his truck and hauled out two large duffle bags and carried them to the front door of the facility. Going up to the boss’s room he turned on the overhead light. The boss sat at the same chair Richard had left him in a few hours earlier. A plastic face stared at him as he entered the room. A set of painted eyes and ears gave Richard full attention, ready to receive his payment. Richard sat down in front of his boss with the duffle bag. Taking the first ream of cash out he played with the crisp bills then unraveled the rubber band that tied them together. He put a bill out in front of himself then one closer to the boss. The manikin watched Richard count the money.

“One for me…” Richard said, placing another bill on the pile in front of him.

“…and one for me” he said, placing a bill on the stack in front of the boss. He Smiled.
Writing is the magical release of emotion from your fingertips. Why on earth do people wish to be wizards when you have writing!
  





User avatar
161 Reviews

Supporter


Gender: Female
Points: 3485
Reviews: 161
Mon Aug 02, 2010 6:56 pm
Sassafras says...



Hello, Hiadel. I'm just going to get my little nitpicks out of the way before I state my thoughts on this.

Five million dollars had just flown from the hands of the good people at the first national bank into the pockets of Richard, his crew, and his boss who was sitting across the table from him.
First National Bank should be capitalized. Also, we already know his boss is sitting across from him, you stating it again in this sentence makes it seem repetitive.

Going out to his car in the parking lot of the warehouse, Richard passed by Gomez and Tom, the two robbers who had helped him do the job.


“You two will get your cash tomorrow morning, I have to go pick it up and give the boss his share tonight. I’ll see to it you guys get your share.”
To me, this whole sentence just seems repetitive. It just sounds as if he keeps repeating himself.

After a few minutes, Gomez and Tom got into another car and headed off down a nearby highway.


Tom asked as Gomez drove the car against the night.
Drove against the night just sounds awkward. It might sound better as 'drove into the night'.

“Still. I don’t trust the boss. Hell, I haven’t even seen his face yet. As far as I know the man doesn’t even exist!”
The first period would be best as a comma. "Still" doesn't really make a complete sentence.

“No it’s not, Tom, he was our investor, and someone who should be protected...


Tom took a deep breath from his cigarette and thought about the past.
You can't take a breath from a cigarette, but you can take a drag from one.

“One for me…” Richard said, placing another bill on the pile in front of him.

“…and one for me” he said, placing a bill on the stack in front of the boss. He Smiled.
Why did he say "one for me" twice?


I was a little confused when reading through this, especially through the conversation in the car. I don't really know what's going on. They robbed a bank and are now fussing about who gets how much? The Boss is Richard's boss and Richard is the boss of Tom and Gomez? Ugh, I really have no idea about the relationship between the four characters. If you could clear that up for me I would be forever grateful.

I don't know where you're trying to take this? I don't see any hint of a conflict or a problem. All I can think of happening is they either get caught or they form some type of resistance against The Boss. And that's another thing, if you don't give a name to the boss, boss needs to be capitalized. Boss actually starts to sound weird if you say/type it too many times.

During the story, you don't really use that much description. You tell us what happens instead of showing us. This could be a lot better if you put more description and imagery.

Well, I've nothing else to say about this. Just polish it up a bit and I'll be happy to read over it again and review.


ReisePiecey!
A pale imitator of a girl in the sky.
  





User avatar
19 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 1138
Reviews: 19
Tue Aug 03, 2010 9:15 pm
CSheperd says...



This really just seems to be filler for another story. There wasn't much of a plot other than some martin scorsese type bandits chattin over cuts. If you decide to write more i'd have no problem reading it, because it wasn't a bad read. it just went no where.
  





User avatar
180 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 16930
Reviews: 180
Tue Aug 03, 2010 10:38 pm
pudin.junidf says...



Hey Hiadel!

Well I think it was a good read, I feel this as an outline like a skeleton of what could be a really good story. I liked it but there were many things missing that could have helped this part of the story be more understandable. I didn't see many spelling mistakes, which is incredibly awesome because it makes the story easier to read and the few there are can be corrected with a little proofread.

What I really noticed was that most of the story is based in dialogue, yes, the dialogue is important for it helps to develop the characters and even the story since it explains many things. But I think it got stuck in dialogue and there was no description at all. You have to put more description and imagery into it for it helps us readers get a clear image of the setting. And why is the setting important? Because it helps with the mood of the story, so if you give us more description of the background and the setting, the mood of the story would have been clearer and we would have gotten a clear image of everything.

Now for the characters, I don't get them, seriously. The relationship between all of them is looking too shallow right now, we know nothing about them besides the fact that they stole a car. But it gets really confusing, and even more when you mention Richard and the Boss. By the way, you should capitalize boss. So It would be nice if you showed us what their relationship is and why robbing that bank is important. Right now this whole scene looks a little too random.
Remember that writing is about showing not telling. Instead of telling us about his doubts, show us his doubts, show us how everything that is going on makes Tom doubtful.

So, hope I helped.
XOXO
Pudin
Les sanglots longs
Des violons
De l'autonne
Blessent mon coeur
D'une langueur
Monotone.

Verlaine
  








Your presence can give happiness. I hope you remember that.
— Jin, BTS