Young Writers Society

Please Note: This story takes place in the early 1900's on Vancover Island.

Megan crawled through the yard hedge rapidly, her fathers Swiss army knife in her mouth, and a small brown bag of candy in her pocket. If she didn't escape the school yard quick enough, a teacher would see her and start questioning and that wasn't what she needed right now. Once she was fully enclosed by the hedge, she hid the swiss army knife, deeper in the bushes and looked back only to see leaves covering her path. Perfect! She thought, now nobody will see that path. The only thing that reminded her were it was, was a small red ribbon she told her mom she lost a week ago, tied to a branch. One afternoon, Tom and her had cut out the inside of the hedge so the look-out crew could crawl through, and they left the outside part of the hedge alone so there path would be hidden.

Once Megan got to the other side she slowly poked her head out, only to see the park empty and bare. She crawled out and rustled the bushes. Now the others could come through. Megan then bolted to a maple tree nearby and climbed up the branches to the small tree fort they had made. It was fully enclosed with four wooden walls and a flat wooden roof, they could stand up in it and walk around easley, it could fit all four of them no problem. She looked around to see two selves they had made. One self had comic books, newspapers, scissors and glue on it, and the other self had a jar of seashells, a jar of candy, and a jar of wet sand and crabs. It was nice living by the ocean, especially sense the tide when in and out so far you could walk all the way to the end of the Bay!

Megan then heard the tree branches rumble and went to the inside edge of the fort with her sling shot ready to fire. Davids head popped up, and Megan relaxed her sling on her lap quickly to make it look like she wasn't about to pelt me in the head with carrots. David crawled up and put a comic book in the pile on the self and two seashells on the floor.

"I found this last night!, do we have them in the jar yet?" He asked anxiously, she scanned the shells, he a had a conch and a scallop.

"We have the scallop but not the conch" Megan said, she took the conch and put it on the self, it was too big to go in the jar. David put the scallop in his pocket. They heard the branches shake again and next they saw Tom. Tom had a big brown paper bag in his mouth, he spit it out abruptly and opened it up. He had four sandwiches. Then they heard the branches shake once more and Little Sammy came up. Toms little brother.

"Good we are all here" Megan exclaimed, "OK now we had to go through role call" All four of them had code names so nobody would know it was them,

"Laser" called Megan, "Here" yelled Tom back,

"Hammer", "Here" yelled David,

"Watch", "Here" yelled Little Sammy,

"and Slicer, is me" said Megan, They all sat around and ate sandwiches and candy as they started they meeting, they discussed what they would do tonight. It manly consisted off drinking lemon-aid, climbing the tree to the look-out spot and watching for aeroplanes and ships that might attack the island. When the meeting was over, they all said there lengendary chant.

"We keep the island safe, we keep the people safe, we are Look-Out!!!" And from that they departed down the tree and back through the hedge to the school yard.

I'm going to go through this grammatically first, with overall critique afterwards. =)

Megan crawled through the yard hedge rapidly, her father's Swiss army knife in her mouth, and a small brown bag of candy in her pocket. If she didn't escape the school yard quickly enough, a teacher would see her and start questioning and that wasn't what she needed right now. Once she was fully enclosed by the hedge, she hid the swiss army knife, deeper in the bushes and looked back only to see leaves covering her path. Perfect! She thought, now nobody will see that path. treat this like dialogue, or reword it in another way to make it grammatically correct The only thing that reminded her were it was, was a small red ribbon she told her mom she lost a week ago, tied to a branch. One afternoon, Tom and her she and Tom and her had cut out the inside of the hedge so the look-out crew could crawl through, and they left the outside part of the hedge alone so there path would be hidden.

Once Megan got to the other side she slowly poked her head out, only to see the park empty and bare. She crawled out and rustled the bushes. Now the others could come through. Megan then bolted to a maple tree nearby and climbed up the branches to the small tree fort they had made. It was fully enclosed with four wooden walls and a flat wooden roof, they could stand up in it and walk around easley easily, it could fit all four of them no problem. She looked around to see two selves shelves...and the same goes for all the other "selves" you have here they had made. One self had comic books, newspapers, scissors and glue on it, and the other self had a jar of seashells, a jar of candy, and a jar of wet sand and crabs. It was nice living by the ocean, especially sense the tide when went in and out so far you could walk all the way to the end of the Bbay!

Megan then heard the tree branches rumble and went to the inside edge of the fort with her sling shot ready to fire. David's head popped up, and Megan relaxed her sling on her lap quickly to make it look like she wasn't about to pelt me him in the head with carrots. David crawled up and put a comic book in the pile on the self and two seashells on the floor.

"I found this last night!, do we have them in the jar yet?" He asked anxiously, she scanned the shells, he a had a conch and a scallop.

"We have the scallop but not the conch" Megan said, she took the conch and put it on the self, it was too big to go in the jar. David put the scallop in his pocket. They heard the branches shake again and next they saw Tom. Tom had a big brown paper bag in his mouth, he spit it out abruptly and opened it up. He had four sandwiches. Then they heard the branches shake once more and Little Sammy came up. Tom's little brother.

"Good, we are all here" Megan exclaimed, "OK now we had to go through role call." All four of them had code names so nobody would know it was them,

"Laser" called Megan, "Here" yelled Tom back,

"Hammer", "Here" yelled David,

"Watch", "Here" yelled Little Sammy,

"and Slicer, is me" You need to work on your fomatting here. Look up how to do dialogue before you repair this section, and make sure that you are putting periods after each full sentence. After each proper name in a speaking tag (ie: Meghan, first), you need a period. So it would be:
"Laser," called Meghan.
"Here," Tom yelled back.
said Megan, They all sat around and ate sandwiches and candy as they started they meeting, they discussed what they would do tonight. It manly consisted off drinking lemon-aid, climbing the tree to the look-out spot and watching for aeroplanes and ships that might attack the island. When the meeting was over, they all said there their lengendary chant.

"We keep the island safe, we keep the people safe, we are Look-Out!!!" And from that they departed down the tree and back through the hedge to the school yard.

So overall, this is cute. I think you have done a good job encorporating the personality of each kid into the story.

From a logistics standpoint, I am not sure I like how you have described the hedge. How could they make a pathway inside the hedge that isn't visible from the outside? When Meghan crawls into the hedge, initially, she wouldn't see only leaves behind her, because the fact that she was moving through the bushes would create a path.

Also, I think you might benefit from a little plot diagramming. Where is the beginning of the story? The middle? The end? It seems to me that you have no real climax--nothing for the reader to look forward to as the resolution of the problem your characters have encountered.

I think that is due, in large part, to the fact that you haven't exactly clarified what your characters are doing. Why have they appointed themselves lookouts of this island? Has something bad happened? Are they expecting an alien invasion? And how did their treehouse come about? It seems like such a wonderous place, and I think it needs a little more description.

But keep writing! I think you have a neat little concept here that is just begging to be developed =)

Editing: One more thing. The seriousness in the opening of your story is lost on the reader, here, I think. We don't understand why she's rushing, or why she needs a knife? Why is she sneaking away? Can't she hang out with her friends after school? It seems she has little motivation for her actions.

Interesting, Exception.

I like your prose's base. It's not too fancy. It's easy to read. It's fast paced. You do need to try to ensure that your grammar is up to scratch though as that makes your story a whole bunch more difficult to read.

In terms of the setting. It's nice and intriguing. The problem is that it is not one I'd be willing to believe. This comes as a result of several things that you've injected into your story that I cannot imagine in real life and also perhaps has something to do with the fact that you don't spend enough energy convincing me that your setting's real. And sometimes you overdo it. I'll give one or two examples:

"and Slicer, is me"

You really think that she'd say her own code name. This is a meeting in which everyone knows each other.

All four of them had code names so nobody would know it was them,

You explain the unnecessary. What else are code names used for. Redundancies are not what you want to be writing. It's also superfluous.

Then you want to work on your word choice. The word needs to fit exactly. During the role call, you use a variety of dialogue tags that seem out of place. Use the word "said" rather than other words. Simple words are invisible. You want to be invisible so that your reader can be completely involved in the story.

Finally you want to build tension. If nothing bad happens you have no story. You need to open with a gripper. You want us to wonder where the story is going. Be mean to some characters and actually have something happen to them. Remember you're telling a story. The more pain the more rewarding the resolution.

That's all I have time for.

Good luck!

I think you are a good writer. My advice to to proof read about three times. Read it yourself, then hand it to some one else and then read it again. The spelling and grammar can be fixed with a dictionary and grammar book. So keep writing and this should have a sequel.

Hello!

This was a very cute story and I could definitely see it becoming a great children's story. The thing is though, as others have mentioned previously, there is no climax. The way I see this, this is just the beginning of a children's chapter book.

This story flows well but I feel like you could use a bit more descriptions and give the reader more background. Like..what does the tree house look like inside? Also, why is she so rushed in the beginning?

There's not much more for me to say that the others haven't already said, other than this was a great read and I'm interested to read more

Keep writing.
-Once