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Young Writers Society


Brothers-in-Arms



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Mon Aug 16, 2010 7:18 pm
LaurynMitchell says...



I shivered and looked behind me. What had once been a pure layer of snow was now a bloody mess of broken snow and messy footprints. I winced and glanced down at my feet. The boots that were once whole and warm were torn and bloody. Ragged strips of fabric and short lengths of cord were all that held the tattered leather together. I bit back a moan of pain and turned to continue my journey. My ears strained to hear any signs of pursuit, but they were met with an eerie silence. Well, it would be easy enough for them to find me now, even though the snow had begun to fall again and cover my tracks. Their bloodhounds would easily pick up my scent and I no longer had the strength to run. Loss of blood made me dizzy. I reached out to a nearby tree for support. After a brief pause, I took a deep breath of the frigid air and pushed on. I tried to ignore the mind-numbing pain that flashed through my feet and lower legs. Instead, I focused on the other cold members of my body. I shivered all over. My clothes were soaked from the snow and they were beginning to freeze. Fingers—I could still feel them, even if it was only because of the stinging cold. Ears—it had been a long time since I could feel those. Face—that was going numb, too.

I continued to struggle through the frozen woods. The snow was already at my knees and more still filtered through the trees above me. I looked at my surroundings in search of a marking or sign that could tell me where I was. I could be wandering in circles or straight into a trap for all I knew. All distinguishing marks had been obliterated by the snow. I stumbled over a hidden tree root and tumbled head first into the powdery snow. After several attempts to raise myself, I let out a shivering sigh, allowing the icy numbness to wash over me. It felt good. As my tired, half-frozen body sunk deeper into the snow, my mind wandered through memories of the past like a row of paintings on a wall—completely detached form the emotions shown there. My father’s carpentry shop, cool and smelling of new wood. My mother’s still body after the physician declared her dead. A girl in that awkward transition between woman and child. Her tousled red hair hung halfway down her back and a green ribbon was in her hand. The once-numerous freckles on her face were beginning to fade. I knew that face. Jamie. She smiled as if I had said her name aloud and began to beckon to me. I smiled back at her and raised my hand to take hers.

Just as I felt her warm hand slip into mine, I sensed a steady throb emanate from the ground. Someone began brushing snow off of me. Then, a deep voice broke the peaceful stillness that encompassed me. I gradually recognized the voice of my friend, Collin, as it dragged me back to a groggy half-consciousness.

“Greg? For heaven’s sake, man, talk to me.” I was roughly pulled out of the snow as he sought to bring some warmth back into me. “Come on, Greg, you can’t die on me. Too many of us have gone already.”

I groaned and cracked my eyes open. “Collin.” My tongue was thick in my mouth and my words slurred together. “What’re you doing here? You should be back at camp with the information. They need that more than they need me.”

Collin chuckled. “I did get there, and when you didn’t follow, I went back after you. You didn’t think I’d leave you out here on your own, did you?” Before I could respond, he slipped me back onto the ground to bring his horse closer to where I lay. “Come on, let’s get you up. I don’t know how close Gautzelin’s men are.” Collin draped my arm around his shoulders and slipped his own around me. With his help, I floundered up to the horse. It took several tries before Collin was able to lift me into the saddle. Fortunately for both of us, Collin was the larger of the two of us. As he jumped up behind me, I finally lost consciousness.
***

Warm, flickering light danced above my closed eyes. My entire body ached, and my feet and legs throbbed. I groaned and shifted slightly. I lay on something soft, but kind of lumpy. An army cot? There were people all around me; I could hear their voices, but they all melded together into a low mumbling sound. My head felt like it had been trampled by an army. One of my hands involuntarily went up to my forehead. The voices closest to me paused.

“So you’ve finally decided to wake up.” I forced my eyes open through the pain searing through my body and looked up into Collin’s relieved face.

“You shouldn’t have come back for me.” My voice came out as a raspy croak.

Collin rolled his eyes as he sat down on the edge of the bed. “And what kind of friend would I be, then?”

I winced as doctors pulled the sheet off of me and began poking and prodding my legs. I looked down and, to my chagrin, noted the deep scrapes and bruises scattered across my legs and feet.

“How long have I been asleep?”

“Probably about four or five days. You started to wake up a few times, but they drugged to so you’d sleep. Apparently it’s the best way to heal.” Collin smirked and rolled his eyes. “You’re lucky. Apparently, I got you here just in time. Any longer and you might not have legs anymore. They were really cut up and frostbitten.”

I stifled a cry of pain as the doctors prodded a particularly tender area around the arch of my foot. “Well, it couldn’t be much more painful than it is now.”

One of the physicians came up beside me. “How are you feeling? Are you in a lot of pain?”

I bit back a sarcastic retort. “Well, I don’t think there’s a spot that doesn’t hurt.”

“Do you feel up to some food?”

“Sure.”

“You there, lad.” The physician pointed at Collin. “Run down to the kitchen and get some food for him. Try and get some of that soup they were cooking up this morning.” He waved Collin off dismissively and continued his examination of me.

“I’ll be back, Greg. I’ve been officially booted for the time being.” Collin offered a wan smile before striding off down the corridor.

I was forced to endure more poking and prodding from the medical staff until Collin returned a short time later. “I told them I needed food for you, and they just piled this thing high.” Collin laughed. “We’re going to eat good tonight, Greg.”

“We? I thought that was all for me?” A smile tugged at my lips. I struggled to sit up, but sank back down with a gasp of pain.

“Easy-does it, Greg. You’re still hurt.” Collin set the tray on a nearby table and helped me ease up against the pillows to a semblance of a sitting position. Then he pulled up a chair with his foot and balanced the tray on his knees. He handed me a steaming mug of broth, but I struggled to hold it. For the first time, I noticed the bandages on my hands and winced as the hot container made the wounds underneath sting. I stifled a growl of frustration and balanced it on my knee before attempting it again. I could see Collin trying to look busy in the chair beside my cot, but I knew that he was watching me. I managed to make it through most of the broth, only spilling a mouthful on the bedding. After a few minutes, I turned to place the mug on the table beside the cot. It barely made it. The mug hovered on the edge for a second before Collin pushed it on.

I leaned back and closed his eyes, discouraged and tired from my attempts to eat. Maybe it would have been better if I had just died in the woods. I opened my eyes to see Collin watching me anxiously. That’s when his words suddenly came back to me. You can’t die on me. Too many have gone already. I took a shaky breath. "Thank you . . . for everything you've done for me. I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you.”

Collin raised an eyebrow. "That's what friends are for. You've done the same thing for me numerous times. I wouldn't be here now with all the scrapes that you've gotten me out of."

I did not respond for several minutes as I reflected on the last couple of months. "I've just had enough of this. I want to go home."

"Home?"

"I don't know. Somewhere that isn't here--away from blood and people who want your life. Maybe I could go back to Emilton, where I grew up. I sometimes wonder how everyone there has been." I paused. "It's been ten years. They might not even remember me."

We sat in silence for a few minutes.

"Well, why not? Sounds like a plan to me." Collin sat back in his chair. "We could go together. And then it doesn't matter if anyone remembers you. We'll have each other, right?"

"Yeah . . ." I stared off into space. I could almost see her--red hair, hazel eyes, a bright smile. I hoped she, at least, would remember me. "Yes, we'll have each other." I looked up at my friend with a smile. "Cause that's what we are, aren't we . . . brothers-in-arms."

Collin responded with a crooked grin. “Aye, I like the sound of that—brothers-in-arms.”
"Courage is a contradiction in terms, it means a strong desire to live taking the form of a readiness to die."
-G.K. Chesterton
  





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Mon Aug 16, 2010 9:27 pm
Forestqueen808 says...



Hello Lauryn! I'll be your reviewer for today. I am really attracted to these kinds of stories and so I was really excited to read this.

Nitpicks


I shivered and looked behind me. What had once been a pure layer of snow was now a bloody mess of broken snow and messy footprints. I winced and glanced down at my feet. The boots that were once whole and warm were torn and bloody.
You repeated a lot here. Try: What had once been a pure layer of white was now a bloody mess of broken snow and twisted footprints. I winced and glanced down at my own feet. The boots that were once whole and warm were torn and stained with warm stickly liquid.

Loss of blood made me dizzy. I reached out to a nearby tree for support.
Be more descriptive: The trees around me were spinning and all the naked branches were blurring together like a splotchy painting. I quickly reached out and took hold of a thin branch on a nearby tree for support, my head aching with the loss of blood.

completely detached form
I think you meant: completely detached from

I leaned back and closed his eyes, discouraged and tired from my attempts to eat.
I think you meant: I leaned back and closed my eyes, discouraged and tired from my attempts to eat.

That’s when his words suddenly came back to me. You can’t die on me. Too many have gone already. I took a shaky breath.
Maybe you should put the words Collin said in italics, it would kind of show us that was what he said.

This was great. I've been in the mood to read war stories all right now, and this was really good. There were a few things that I pointed out, but other than that it was great. I love how you showed that they had a love for each other, that they were best friends, brothers. It really made me smile and cry a little bit because it was so happy how they said they would have each other. You showed that they've been through a lot and that if it hadn't have been for one or the other, they wouldn't have lived. Great job! I love it!
Sorrow lasts through this night
I'll take this piece of you,
and hold for all eternity
For just one second I felt whole... as you flew right through me.


~Sorrow by Flyleaf
  





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Tue Aug 17, 2010 3:27 pm
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LaurynMitchell says...



Thanks for the feedback! I proofread this several times, and I still didn't catch the last two until you pointed them out :P I'm glad you liked it!
"Courage is a contradiction in terms, it means a strong desire to live taking the form of a readiness to die."
-G.K. Chesterton
  





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Fri Aug 20, 2010 3:39 pm
Shearwater says...



Hi Lauryn, Pink here!

>You really want to watch out for repetition. I noticed you repeated a few words quite a bit of times. Remember, the thesaurus is your friend! No worries, because that's an easy fix!
>I loved your descriptions. They were done quite well and I could picture everything quite perfectly. (you make me happy!)
>The opening was good but I still think it could have used a little bit more ump-th (if you know what I mean). That's just a suggestion though.
>I love your character. I mean they watch out for each other and you make their friendship and love for each other obvious. It melts my heart. Anyways, the setting is perfect and you have strong writing to follow.

I liked it!
Cheers,

~Pink
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham
  





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Fri Aug 20, 2010 6:56 pm
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CSheperd says...



I thought it was pretty good. The description was pretty vivid as was the character detail.The character interraction was great too. The plot didn't really draw me in too much, it just didn't stand out enough
  








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