Young Writers Society

Rain is a beautiful thing; it’s like it washes away the problems and lets you start of on a new.
It was raining the day my mother disappeared and the same day I would. I can remember it as clear as day, how couldn’t I. it was the day my life changed forever
I’ve always loved rain, when other kids were under their covers hiding from it I was outside dancing in it.
My father would of course hall me back inside and shout at me but he knew, when the same dark clouds appeared over my head I would be outside in my jeans and shirt ready to dance my troubles away. Sometimes it worked other times it didn’t. Sometimes I’d find myself soaked staring at the empty rocking chair my mother used to occupy. She had disappeared a few years before I turned seven and maybe I thought that the water would wash away the pain and fill up the hole my mother used to fill.
The hole didn’t get filled, it stayed that way .sometimes it would close a little for a short period of time but then I’d find myself dancing in the rain again.
It’s stupid I know, thinking that water could cure my pain, but it helped. The feeling of cold water on my skin, the sound of the rain hitting the ground, the smell. They all comforted me. They made me feel better.
As I said the day I disappeared it was raining. I didn’t disappear the way you normally expect a fifteen year old girl to disappear. I wasn’t dragged into some truck and driven away, I wasn’t killed or anything. One minute I was there the next I wasn’t but I’m getting ahead of myself.
I suppose I should start from the beginning, right where it stated, where the first series of events began to unfold.

It was a Morning like any other; I was walking to school with my best friend Chloe. She had green eyes and short blond not too curly hair that came to just above her shoulders. She was in her normal jeans and pink shirt and I was in a black hoodie and jeans. I was never one for dressing up probably why I’d been called a looser my whole life, that and many other things I suppose. It was OK though because I had Chloe with me, we’d known each other since we were in dippers and we’d been best friends since.
“Thank god schools over.” Chloe said with the biggest grin on her face.
I smiled at her and nodded
“You OK?”
“Yeah…...” I lied
“Why are you so happy I thought you did well in school” I said
“Yeah but that doesn’t mean I like it.” She replied
Sometimes she did that, sounding obnoxious when she wasn’t even trying.
Truth be told I was happy that school was over too, well at least for the term. I was sick of being harassed by the so called cooler kids. I wasn’t as much as some of the other kids but I was enough to hate them.
My mind flashed back to poor Tommy Flagger that had been strung up the flag pole yesterday they thought it would be funny because his surname was Flagger , I didn't find it funny , anyone who did was just a monster. That’s what happens when you try to stand up to them. The face of the one who did it flashed up in my mind. I quickly tried to forget it. He wasn’t someone you want to be thinking about, not if you didn’t want to be scared to death.
Chase MacArthur might as well have been the devil himself. He was the head of the cool kids, we walked around the school like he owned the place, and well he did, practically. Every time I saw him I felt like punching him in the face but I know that wouldn’t help at all. I would just be teased and bullied even more than I was right now. I didn’t want that. Call me a wimp if you want but the things that happened to the kids who even dare look at him crossed eyed was terrifying.
Thunder rumbled in the distance. The sky was grey covered by a blanket of gloomy clouds. I turned to Chloe and smiled.
“It’s going to rain.”


It wasn’t a very long walk to school Chloe and I lived quite close by. The old grey building that was Walton high came into view. It looked like a miniature prison, it felt like one too.
“Hey emo chick!” someone called from behind me I knew full well who it was. The same guy that called me the emo every time he saw me.
I turned around to see chase and his two minions next to him jade and Callum. Chase was a strongly built kid due to years and years of football. He had browny blond hair , cold brown eyes ad a mean expression.the one on his right, Calum had blond hair ,soft blue eyes and high cheek bones. Jade on the other hand had beautiful green eyes more defined feuaters and jet black hair. They weren’t so bad aside from the fact that they hung out with Chase. They were pretty much his little followers . Sometimes they would have their occasional jerk moments but mostly they kept quiet . I felt fear swell up inside me . I turned around and tried to ignore them and started walking away. They were idiots, all they were .no need to get worked up about it.
Chloe touched my shoulder
“Ignore them”
“I am.” I mumbled
The school bell rung. Signaling the beginning of the last day of school until summer was over.
The day started off with English, My favorite subject. I loved creative writing. I’ve always loved it, it probably started with my love for reading.
I listen intently to our teacher Miss Smiales; a short middle aged woman who I must say adored me. She had dark brown hair always done up in a bun and sincere brown eyes. Even though some people thought she was a little too strict, I thought she was great. I never got an F in this classand it really boosted my slightly above average marks.
I looked around no one seemed to be listening. Even Chloe the star child wasn’t. Probably the post vacation excitement .I sighed. Suddenly Chases eyes caught mine, he was the only down side of this class. I frowned at him and turned away. What did he want?
The bell rang I picked up my bag. Chloe didn’t have the same class in the next period I did so she went ahead. I sighed. I decided to tag along with jean Baker a nerdy looking girl who insisted on wearing her hair in pigtails even though she got mocked, we weren’t really friends but we weren’t enemies either.
As jean and I were about to walk out the door a hand reached out and blocked our exit.
Chase looked at me and gave me a sly smile
Í looked up a t him confused
“Hey sky.” He said his smile broadening
“Uhh, hey.” I said trying to get past him but he stopped me before I could.
“Do you need something?”
“Yeah I need you to do my history report for me, your good at it right?”
“Well yeah…but it’s due today.” I said I was beginning to get nervous
“Then you should probably get started.” He said snickering as he walked away jade and chase not too far away
I stood there glued to the spot, I felt like I was going to cry but I wouldn’t embarrass myself like that, not here.
Jean looked at me sympathetically as we walked off to our next class.

It was lunch time and Chloe and I were sitting outside in our usual spot by the tree. I was madly writing down words, trying to finish the history report that was due for the next class.
“You know you don’t have to do it.” Chloe said
“You know I have to Chloe.” I said softly
She just kept quiet and helped me her and there.

At the end of lunch chase came to collect the report. He had the same sly smile on his face and I knew what that smile meant. It meant that he could make me do whatever he wanted and there was nothing I could do about it. It was hard not to cry, really hard. All the while Callum and jade just stood there with identical cold expressions on their faces.
When they walked away, I couldn’t help it. I cried. I cried into on Chloe shoulder and at that moment I wished more than anything that it was raining.

Hey Writerchick, Pink here!

Nitpicks

It was raining the day my mother disappeared and the same day I would

Are you saying she's going to disappear on the same day or something?

it was the day my life changed forever

Capitalize 'It'. Start of a new sentence, dear

I’ve always loved rain, when other kids were under their covers hiding from it I was outside dancing in it.

This makes me love her personality, truly.

My father would of course hall me back inside and shout at me but he knew,

I think you meant *haul instead of hall. No worries, easy fix.

sometimes it would close a little for a short period of time but then I’d find myself dancing in the rain again.

Again, watch out of the capitalization when you start a new sentence.

It was a Morning like any other;

No need to capitalize morning.

“Thank god schools over.” Chloe said with the biggest grin on her face.

I find that most people have a problem with correct punctuation when it comes to quotations. There should be a comma after over instead of a period. I would brush up on those rules because they're pretty important when writing dialog.
"Thank god, school's over," Chloe said with the biggest grin on her face.

“Why are you so happy I thought you did well in school” I said

This makes no sense, lol. Did you mean sad or depressed instead of happy?

Truth be told, I was happy that school

I turned around to see chase and his two minions next to him jade and Callum

Remember to uppercase names. *Chase, *Jade.

He had browny blond

I don't think browny is a word, honestly. You can always say, "he had this dirty blond hair" or something like that.

ad a mean expression.

*and

eyes more defined feuaters and jet black hair.

*features

F in this classand it really boosted my slightly above average marks.

I think you know what the problem here is.

“Well yeah…but it’s due today.” I said I was beginning to get nervous

*I said while beginning to feel nervous. Either that or add a period after said and before I.

“You know I have to Chloe.” I said softly
She just kept quiet and helped me her and there.

*here and there, maybe?



Overall
Alright, so on my more positive note, I think this is an interesting story. I like how you added a bully in here and how he torments the living bajinkies (made up word) out Sky and me, to add. I also enjoyed your descriptions of the sky and the rain, some of them I could easily connect to and they were bittersweet in a sense.
But, there were a lot of typos and comma errors in this piece that I would like you to address. Mainly, I would advise you to go through some punctuation rules, such as comma placements and correct quotation punctuation. Also, it would spare us readers a lot of time if you spell checked your work beforehand just to correct the misspelled words and such. Now, I'm not so sure why this is in the action adventure section but I guess we'll find out when more of this is posted
Casting that aside, I do think you have an interesting plot, in my view anyway. It captured my attention, haha.
I don't think this is a finished piece either, is there more to it? You've posted it in the short story section so I'm thinking there might be another part or something...
Anyways, that's all for now. If you have any questions or anything, you're free to pm me
Cheers,

~Shear

yes there is more to it
i will check my grammar and such ( i always seem to have problems when it comes to that.)
thank you for your feedback much appreciated

You really, really need to proofread this. I had a lot of trouble following the story, and had to read some sections three or four times just to understand what you were trying to say. By the way, if you're bad with grammar, then a good way to get better is to stop using bad grammar as much as possible. In your post right above mine, you don't have any capitalization or punctuation. If you want to get better, you have to start caring about what you write and how you present yourself.

As I said, the biggest issue with this story is the grammar. Some sentences don't even have periods at the end of them. In other places, you jump around within sentences. What it looks like to me is you never read this over, and never made any attempt to clean it up. In so doing, you're doing yourself a disservice by selling yourself short.

Hi there!

I thought this was an interesting piece. Usually the whole school loser thing turns me off, but I think your use of the bully made it a little better! In fact, I like how you introduced him. He was, at first, some creeper in class. It was up to the reader to decide if this was someone who liked Sky or was a complete jerk. Then Sky mentions he was bad news, and you explain why with the whole history paper thing. Very awesome.

Be careful with Sky and Chloe. They're turning into that cliche couple of friends--the smart, well-off one and the quiet, low self-esteem, creative one. Try to give them a little more oomph. I know Sky's mom died when she was a little kid, but she was only a little kid. Her memories of Mom are limited. This makes me sound harsh, I know. xD But there's probably more going on in her life which was caused by her mom's death (aside from the plot, I'm guessing) such as her dad's/family's response. Does Dad have a girlfriend or is an older sibling move out? Are people trying to get over it? It sounds like it's been over ten years, considering Sky's doing history papers (I'm guessing high school -aged). Anyway, back to the point, why is Sky such a pushover or so quiet? The dialogue we read made her appear depressed/sad, and Chloe being the exact opposite--which probably means she has more friends, so why does Chloe hang out with Sky all the time? Chloe sounds like an out-going or lovable girl. Something to think about.

Also, try not to info-dump the descriptions. It's a common act in writing, but describing what the character's physical appearance in one or two paragraphs consecutively like it was here isn't going to do much good. The reader won't get much of it at all except possibly stereotyping. (I'm guilty of stereotyping them here.) If it has to be mentioned, then mention it as the story goes. That or use it to help explain Sky's opinion of their friendship maybe? There are uses for mentioning clothing materials, but usually, you don't have to worry about it at all. The time will come by itself when you have to mention the jeans or green eyes. ;D (For instance, Harry Potter's green eyes and other physical traits are mentioned at the Mirror of Erised to identify family members.)

If you look at the Knowledge Base here on the site, you'll find a bunch of articles that would be very helpful when fixing up grammar. If you want, message me and I'll personally go through and do a grammar check. Otherwise, you can look it up in the KB. Don't worry about grammar until you know for sure that the content of the chapter doesn't have to be fixed. ;D

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

It seems good so far, and you are great at coloring the personality, but you might want to proofred it. I'm no grammar freak, but my Aunt is, so she's pretty much drilled it into me. The spelling is a thing to check up on, too. I can stink up a whole room when it comes to grammar, but I try my best and, let's face it, we all love spell/grammar chck, I know I do. This story's deffinetly got an intresting start, and I'd read the next part in a heartbeat. Power to the pen (or pencil...)! Write on, Pink, write on...

It is pretty good, but the grammar irked me. Getting past the grammar, I really think that this has great potential to become something awesome. You did an excellent job at grabbing me into the story and peaking my interest, but just fix the errors and I think everything will be fine as you continue on.