Young Writers Society

My hands and legs ached from the effort of hauling the water from well to well.. Occasionally I peered over my shoulder at Moya, my younger sister, who had been hauling water too. The sweat was pouring off me and my calloused hands were covered in dry blood from the blisters that had burst from the pressure of the hand-weaved baskets containing the water.

My feet were just as bad only they seemed to have tougher skin so the blisters that covered them didn't burst as easily.

I stopped to catch my breath and turned to Moya to see how she was doing. A thin,bony hand grasped my shoulder and shook me hard,
" No stopping you hear?! I won't stand for lazy little wasters standin 'round doing nufing! Lazy little wasters get locked in cellars 'dey do.. " Miss Follery clipped my ear sharply,before returning to the other lines of slave children doing other bits and bobs.
I rubbed my red ear,before regaining my balance and continueing my last journey to the well.


"Becky, my hands are bleeding.." Moya whispered tearfully,her big,brown eyes boaring into my own. Her wispy black hair was tied into a tight bun and sat on the top of her head.
I wrapped my arm around her and lowered myself untill I was at her level.
"I'm sorry Moya, I'll wrap them up in the onion skins I saved when we get back to the Follerys home."

"What now Moma?"! I asked the stars. "I've tried everything you suggested but dey don't be liking us, Moma. I'm looking after Moya, Moma. I'm trying,I am. I'll come again tomorrow, hopefully the ghosts will be out and bring Moya and me to you, Moma. Like you promised. I love you Moma."
I stared blankly up at the dark,nights sky hoping for a sign-a shooting star or even a twinkle from one of the distant planets.Nothing. Maybe I had done something wrong?! Moma was mad. She wasn't speaking to me.
"I'm sorry Moma," I whispered as I plodded back inside to the rickety bed,with the scruffy sheets and the cold,rusty window that I couldn't close.

My eyes flickered at the bright light streaming through the open window perched high on the stone wall. I waited a second as my eyes adjusted to the light before peeking over at Moya who was sounds asleep. Her hair resembled an electrocuted cat-each end stood up wildly in all directions frayed and frizzy.My mouth crept into a smile. She was so innocent-just lying there.Completely unaware of how evil the world around her was. I swore I would protect her. I was trying.
I crossed the room over to the lob-sided chest of drawers and put on my maids attire.
"Becky..Can we go home?"
I jumped at the sound of Moya's voice.
"To Moma and Auntie Kim? I don't like it here, I want to go home,to Kaka Islands." She stared,un-blinking, at me waiting for me reply.
I didn't have one. I couldn't tell a six year old that she would never be allowed home or to see her Moma?! She wouldn't understand anymore then I did.
"Moya, please get dressed and we'll talk later, alright?"
She rose reluctantly and began putting up her pinafore.

Lily-ann handed me the stained paper with todays chores listed on it. She smiled sympathically which wasn't usually a good sign. The list was long and I knew that today would be yet another struggle. With Moya lolloping behind me I walked into the shed to grap all that I'd need for the morning. Our first job was to find fresh wood for the many fires in the house. It was difficult and sore and I knew one of Mrs.Follery's favourite jobs to hand out.

We were soon running to and fro,fetching the nearest logs we could find. Moya was un-usually quite which disturbed me. Normally she'd chat away or sing. It was something I had grown accostumed to-something I liked.
I felt uncomfortable in the silence...
"Moya.. um are you allright?!"
She shifted awkardly. Her eyes didn't meet mine as she answered simply,
"You didn't tell me,"
Confused I replied,
"Tell you what?"
"You never told me," she repeated,"That Moma went to Heaven. I never said goodbye to Moma. "
I stopped. Her eyes filled with tears as they bored into mine. She kicked off her apron and squatted down to ground level picking nervously at some invisble dirt.

"Moya,I didn't know what to do. Moma..She just wrote me a letter,I never..I didn't.. I'm sorry,"I choked. This wasn't an answer.There was no answer. I broke down,tears pouring down my face. Not just tears of sorrow but because of everything.
Because at just ten I had become a mother.A mother to my baby sister. Because I had no one to turn to when I needed to most. Because I had nowhere to go and nothing to do.
Because I knew that there was no alturnative. To this life that we were trapped in. In chains that I couldn't break. I didn't have a key to the the chains of racism. To this life that just was not worth living.

I was crying because I couldn't tell a six year old girl that.
I couldn't tell her that the world she was living in,was ruled by those that hated coloured people. I couldn't tell her that racism.. killed Moma.

CHAPTER 2
I woke up next morning to the smell of strong, over heated porridge oats. I looked down at Moya who was lying on the bed beside me, squashed tightly to my side, her hair spread flatly over my shoulder. Her soft, baby-like snores made a tear trickle down my check. Before long my face was red and blotchy with accompaning tears rolling down my cheeks. I lay there for a while stroking Moya's soft hair and crying all the tears I could cry.

Moma, I've done all I can do. I need you .. please..please come home. Answer me Moma, please answer.. ANSWER! I sobbed angrily yet not loud enough to wake Moya. I couldn't do this anymore. It was to much for to bear.
"Mmm.. Becky?"
Moya twisted,her eyelashes splattered with sleep, turning to look up at me.
I quickly wiped my tearfull face and sniffled looking away,
"Yes Moya."
Her thin,bony hands grasped my face and slowly pulled me around to meet her gaze.
"Your a good sister, Moya. I love you." She whispered sincerly.
I caressed her face and stared into her unblinking eyes.
"And I love you Moya..I'll do alright. We'll stay together and I'll never leave you," I swore, my voice quivering with emotion.

She smiled and I swooped her into my arms and whirled her around the room to the best of my abilty like we used to do back him. She giggled freely and it was her way of saying,
No Moya, we'll do alright.

Hi Guys I'll write more soon.Just a quick idea that popped into mind. Hope you like it!

Cool. I want to read more. This is short and sweet, but I don't think it would hurt to post longer segments.
Keep it up!

Hello there! : )

I liked the piece, even though it was kind of short. For a beginning, it's very well done because it gives you enough information to keep the reader interested, but not enough to tell the entire story.

Okay, a few things that I noticed.

Moya, my younger sister who,too,had been hauling water.

The 'too' in the middle of the sentence threw me off, personally. Maybe you could move it to the end of the sentence? It would still be the same thing.

There are several places where you put a comma where it was not needed:

"The sweat was pouring of me,and my calloused hands were covered in dry blood,from the blisters that had burst from the pressure of the hand-weaved baskets containing the water."

After 'dry blood' the comma isn't needed.

"I rubbed my red ear,before regaining my balance and continueing my last journey to the well."

After 'ear' you can take that comma out.

"I'm sorry Moya, I'll wrap them up in the onion skins I saved, when we get back to the Follerys home."

After 'saved'

"I've tried everything,you suggested but dey don't be liking us,Moma."

After 'everything'

"I stared blankly up at they dark,nights sky hoping for a sign-a shooting star or even a twinkle from one of the distant planets."

After 'dark." And also, there is only one night. So make 'nights' singlular. Night.

"I whispered as I plodded back inside, to the rickety bed,with the scruffy sheets and the cold,rusty window that I couldn't close."

After 'inside' you don't need the comma, nor after 'bed.'

Another thing...I got somewhat confused around the end. At first it was daytime I'm assuming, I'm not sure, and then she was talking to the stars at night. You need to make the setting clear throughout the piece. And be careful about writing dialects. If you do, you need to have it throughout the story, not just sometimes.

Okay, that's it, I think. Overall I did like it. Just don't be comma happy : )

Happy writings,
~Chryssa

Hey Kakagirl, I'm Gsp and I will be your reviewer today.

Just a warning before I get started that I put in all of my reviews to reduce the possibility of people hating me; I have the tendency to tear stories to shreds. I don't mean to, honest. I'm just trying to help. This advice is, really, just advice, and doesn't have to be followed, so don't feel obligated to.

With that said...

ON TO THE REVIEW!

My hands and legs ached from the effort of hauling the water from well to well.. Occasionally I peered over my shoulder at Moya, my younger sister who,too,had been hauling water. The sweat was pouring of me,and my calloused hands were covered in dry blood,from the blisters that had burst from the pressure of the hand-weaved baskets containing the water.

This is a pretty good start, but I saw a few things that could use fixing.

My hands and legs ached from the effort of hauling the water from well to well..

You only need one period at the end of this sentence.

Occasionally I peered over my shoulder at Moya, my younger sister who,too,had been hauling water.

Okay, first and foremost; You have to put spaces in after you use a comma. That's the general rule, and if you don't follow it your work looks a lot worse than it could. Also, as the user above me said, I would get rid of the "too" thing and put it on the end. It looks cleaner.

My feet were just as bad,only they seemed to have tougher skin,so as the blisters that covered them didn't burst as easily.

Again, you still need spaces after using a comma.

I stopped to catch my breath, and turned to Moya to see how she was doing. A thin,bony hand grasped my shoulder and shook me hard,
" No stopping,you hear?! I won't stand for lazy little wasters standin 'round doing nufing! Lazy little wasters get locked in cellars 'dey do.. " Miss Follery clipped my ear sharply,before returning to the other lines of slave children doing other bits and bobs.
I rubbed my red ear,before regaining my balance and continueing my last journey to the well.

" No stopping,you hear?! I won't stand for lazy little wasters standin 'round doing nufing! Lazy little wasters get locked in cellars 'dey do.. "

Alternatively, you don't need a space after and/or a quotation mark. Also, you need to either add or get rid of one period at the end.

I rubbed my red ear,before regaining my balance and continueing my last journey to the well.

continuing*, and I don't think you need that comma after ear.

"Becky, my hands are bleeding.." Moya whispered tearfully,her big,brown eyes boaring into my own. Her wispy black hair was tied into a tight bun and sat on the top of her head.
I wrapped my arm around her and lowered myself untill I was at her level.
"I'm sorry Moya, I'll wrap them up in the onion skins I saved, when we get back to the Follerys home."

Get rid of a period in the first sentence. Also, remember, you need spaces after you use commas! I found a couple of spelling errors as well. Boring* and *until*. Also, "Follerys" should be "Follery's".

"What now Moma?"! I asked the stars. "I've tried everything,you suggested but dey don't be liking us,Moma. I'm looking after Moya,Moma. I'm trying,I am. I'll come again tomorrow,hopefully the ghosts will be out,and bring Moya and me to you,Moma. Like you promised. I love you Moma."
I stared blankly up at they dark,nights sky hoping for a sign-a shooting star or even a twinkle from one of the distant planets.Nothing. Maybe I had done something wrong?! Moma was mad. She wasn't speaking to me.
"I'm sorry Moma," I whispered as I plodded back inside, to the rickety bed,with the scruffy sheets and the cold,rusty window that I couldn't close.

Since I don't really feel like mentioning everything I found, since it's mostly grammatical errors, do you mind if I just rewrite it how I would put it?

Yes?

No?

Okay.

"What now Moma?" I asked the stars, "I've tried everything you suggested but dey don't be liking us Moma. I'm looking after Moya, Moma. I'm trying, I am. I'll come again tomorrow,hopefully the ghosts will be out, and bring Moya and me to you, Moma. Like you promised. I love you Moma."
I stared blankly up at they dark night sky, hoping for a sign; a shooting star or even a twinkle from one of the distant planets. Nothing. Maybe I had done something wrong? Moma was mad. She wasn't speaking to me.
"I'm sorry Moma," I whispered as I plodded back inside, to the rickety bed with the scruffy sheets and the cold rusty window that I couldn't close.

All-in-all, this was pretty good and has some good potential. Rewrite it a few times and it should be great.

Happy YWSing!

~Gsp

Thanks guys these rewievs helped. Ill write more soon.
Kaka

This was very good! Please tell me when you post more!

I enjoyed writing this guys.. Should I write more.. I'm not sure if it has a good enough ending..
Thanks guys.. Kaka

Yes, write more!
I loved your story, aside from some punctuation errors, I thought you had a good ending!
It was a good story, and its subject is right up my alley, this is the kind of story I enjoy reading the most. PM me if you post more so I can check it out!
*daydreamer

B-E-A-utiful use of dialect in the dialogue there. l love the fact that you use 1st person, so that whole "Momma" scene could be possible...
really helps the reader actually feel something.

This was really well written, even though it's short! You had some extra commas here and there, but I loved the conflict with the little sister and the chains concept...great work! I want to read more!

Hi!

I don't think this review is going to be as thorough as my review for Life because this piece feels a lot less polished. The first thing I noticed about this piece is that it's written like someone who doesn't know how to write. I know that sounds harsh, but it's what I thought. The spaces-after-commas issue is really a huge factor to this impression, also that you don't seem to care if you use the correct punctuation and grammar. This confuses me because I just read Life, in which your grammar is almost impeccable. I know you can do it--you just have to think about it, I think. And you have to make it a priority because I got so distracted by all of the mistakes that I almost didn't realize what a good piece this was! I'm not going to point out all of the mistakes because 1) Gsp and Chryssa already pointed out most of them and 2) I think you can find the ones they didn't point out (if there are any!) on your own. ^.~ The main problems are (as people have already said) that you need to put spaces after your commas and that you don't need so many commas. I don't want to sound mean, but I really want to stress how important this is because even if the story itself is good, (which this one is!) bad grammar can completely ruin a piece.

Okay. Sorry for that rant. >.<

Like I said, I think this piece is quite good. Or it has the potential to be quite good, anyway, if you edit it a bit. The emotion is clearly there, and it is portrayed beautifully. The sense of obligation that Becky feels to take care of Moya is painful but also touching. Their situation is, obviously, disgusting and horrible--but there is a beauty in the love that they feel for each-other which makes the whole story beautiful. It's also a good intro because it introduces the characters, making us feel for them, and also introduces their situation in a way that makes people want to read more.

I don't have any really major issues with this piece, other than the grammar stuff. I do, however, have to agree with Chryssa: be careful with dialects. Not only do you have to make sure they stay consistent (which is what she said) but you also have to make sure they are genuine. If you are just guessing and writing it "by ear" so to speak, then you can come off as insulting the dialect even if you don't mean to. Actually, that goes for the whole piece, I think: you will have to do a lot of research in order to make this piece believable. I don't mean the emotions won't be believable, (you are very good with writing about emotions!) I mean the situation might not be believable. With historical fiction you really need to know your stuff in order for it to be good. That said--maybe this should be in the Historical Fiction section, not the Action/Adventure section? Well, I guess that's up to you.

All in all, good job! But please fix the grammar because it is hard for me to read past your mistakes. As always, let me know if you have questions or anything about my review.

Hope this helps.


a

Yes I know. I have such a habit for adding in comma's. I'm so sorry for my awful grammar. I will work on it straight away.
All I'm glad is that you enjoyed the plot. It was actually influenced by a book I read earlier that really touched me. Anywho! I shall get to work on the editing!
Sorry again guys xD
I can be a little reckless,
Kaka xD

Hey! Awesome story btw, but there was one itsy bitsy thing that was an irritant: the transition of this:
"I'm sorry Moya, I'll wrap them up in the onion skins I saved when we get back to the Follerys home."

"What now Moma?"! I asked the stars. "I've tried everything you suggested but dey don't be liking us, Moma. I'm looking after Moya, Moma. I'm trying,I am. I'll come again tomorrow, hopefully the ghosts will be out and bring Moya and me to you, Moma. Like you promised. I love you Moma."

I understand that she is speaking to her dead mother, but it is not so clear from the paragraph before. Going from dialogue to internal thoughts is tricky, perhaps you could rearrange?
Also what stuck out is the fact that you are half-heartedly using period language. If you do decide that this is the way to go, go all out. Don't just put "dey", but research the language, and finagle the words. If you decide not to, leave it out all together.
XOXO
Booky

veeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyyyyyyy ggggggoooooooooooooooooddddddddddddddd

Hey everyone,
Thank you for your reviews, they help a lot!
Just a random idea I had.
X kaka xoxo