Young Writers Society

This is the first 1000 words of a work in progress called Red Skies. It takes place in the future during the Battle of Armageddon. This story is a depiction of what I believe the battle could contain.

I will post more on this story shortly. For now I would like comments on how it is going so far.
THANKS!!

Low vibrations ripple through my being. They are slow and inconsistent, traveling through the ground and rattling my skull. What an odd sensation; the feeling of a low, but powerful rumble in my core, yet I hear nothing and my world is veiled in darkness.

Why am I here? What is ‘here’?


Despite the attempts to move my body, I cannot. Nor can I find the strength to lift my eyelids and release myself from this unlit prison.


Why is this happening?


The violence and severity of the vibrations in escalating. The source of these instant but random disturbances in moving closer.

I need to move.


At this moment, a powerful wave sweeps over my body and causes me to wake. I open my eyes in time to watch the dust of the latest explosion settle. 15 meters from me is a large crater in the earth, obviously the source of the blast.

Mortars.

Before I can contemplate this further, another disturbance comes from close behind me. I feel it, but I can’t hear it.


I need to move.


I am lying face down on a dry mound of dirt. I have little feeling and control over my limbs. After several attempts, I am able to push my torso off the ground, followed by my shoulders and head. Now on my knees, I look around. My vision is somewhat blurred, but I can make out several pieces of debris scattered across the desert terrain. I see dark, heavy smoke in the air that blocks out the sun, turning the atmosphere red. Countless aircraft litter the sky. I then realize that my hearing has partially returned when I perceive the faint roar of a fighter jet as it passes overhead.

My normal vision is returning as well. In the entire expanse before me, I can see plumes of dust and rubble as they are thrown into the air. Missiles and other airborne weapons appear from behind the rolling hills, leaving criss-crossing smoke trails in the sky. I notice the vague silhouettes of soldiers and military vehicles as they move in and out of sight through the scarred and rocky terrain.The once yellow sun is now bright red from the thick pollution in the air. Judging by its position, the day will soon fade from existence. It's now dim enough for me to see the distant flickering of firearms as they engage their enemies.

I find my feet and concentrate on standing upright. This soon proves to be difficult due to the recently disturbed and unstable ground below me. My palms and elbows sink into the earth as I attempt to push myself up. With one final exertion, I find a large, stable rock to support my arms and bring my knees off the ground.

Now that I am on my feet, I know I'm in danger. Something similar to a gut feeling tells me I need to begin walking to my right, and off of the mound of dirt. Struggling to move quickly, I stumble through the loose soil. Panic begins to sink in when I realize my pace is too slow. Another powerful blast comes from behind, propelling me head-first into solid ground.

The skin on my face and hands is rubbed off when I land on the asphalt. My nose is bleeding and my body, aching. I lay on my stomach for only a second before I spin around to a sitting position and look towards the direction of the explosion. Another crater presents itself about 10 meters from me. Looking down at my bloody hands I feel a bit dazed. After checking myself, I find no fatal wounds. I count myself lucky to be alive. Normally, the shrapnel would have penetrated someone that close.

My eyes move back down to the asphalt I landed on. It seems to have once been a paved road. I glance down the route that winds between the rolling hills and into the heart of the raging battle. As I look, something catches my eye at the side of the road. It's the wheel of a humvee protruding from a deep ditch.

That's when I remember, my men!

Despite my painful, creaking joints and other exhausting injuries, I'm able to find my feet again and stand upright. I slowly step over to the site of the crash, almost limping. As I move closer, I notice another large indentation slightly behind and to the side of the ruined vehicle.

Mortars! So many.

Advancing on the wreckage, my eyes clear the edge of the road, revealing complete devastation. I marvel at the sheer damage such a weapon can unleash, the vehicle being completely beyond repair. By the looks of it, the shell landed directly on top of the moving humvee, leaving a gaping hole. The unrecognizable bodies of my comrades are divided and scattered across the ditch. The mortar left them no mercy when it hit. I am not sure which part of the scene horrifies me most.

After some thought, I understand the magnitude of my luck. When the mortar struck, I was on foot patrol nearby the humvee. I was close enough to be knocked unconscious but wasn't killed.

Too many close calls for one day.

My memory of recent events is slowly returning. I was on a mission in enemy territory with my fellow soldiers. We were on a patrol. There was a battle - no doubt the battle currently happening - surrounding us. We were armed and ready for action. At this thought, I look to my hip and find a standard issue M-16 assault rifle strapped to my side. I hadn't noticed it in my entire journey from bewilderment.

At this moment, a loud chopper passes above me. I raise my rifle at the aircraft and follow it towards the horizon.

It's ours.

Amidst the loud rumble of bombs, mortars, missiles, and gunfire, I hear quick-paced footsteps approaching me from behind. I immediately spin around and point my weapon in the direction of a possible threat. A man in a dark green uniform comes into view. He stops several feet from me as soon as I spot him. He then drops his rifle to his hip and proceeds to raise both hands to the sky, signifying a surrender.The man stands very tall and is heavily muscled with an abnormally thick neck. He seems to be built for war. He also fashions a large, black moustache accompanied by a stern, masculine face. His look is penetrating, striking a sense of fear within me.

Friend or foe?

The man begins speaking in words I don't understand. The language sounds familiar. I know I have heard it somewhere before. He stops speaking, looks to the wreckage of the humvee, and back to me.

"American?" He asks.

I hesitate, looking him up and down before I speak.

"Yes! American!" I answer, weapon still fixed on the strange man.

"Hurt! You. Hurt?" He questions.

"No. Just scratches. Who are you, soldier?"

Great name, but needs a lot of work. I'm here to help if I can. =]

Low vibrations – How are they low? You spend a lot of word describing the vibrations but it's still vague.

Traveling - travelling

You’ve got what you want to say, now push your limits and try rearrange things like this so that it flows a little smoother and you use less words. Say more with less. Write your whole opening paragraph in one or two condensed sentences. This will set a quick pace and will make your writing rich with information.
E.g. Without even the strength to lift my eyelids, I am left in the silent darkness with just the reverberating ripples vibrating from my toes to my skill. – That’s off of the top of my head, but I hope it helps explain my point.

Unlit prison – How do you know? Your eyes aren’t open yet. And there’s a difference between a veil of darkness and your eyes being closed too. Is his surroundings dark, or can he not open his eyes.

violence and severity – Means the same thing in this context. I wouldn’t use severity, as it’s a feeling you really need to show in this context. Stating it feels disjointed, especially as you haven’t said what severe is modifying and therefore there is no context, no meaning. If the violence is what is being modified as severe, then you need to make that clearer. However, that creates

issues too, so it would be better to show the severity through your choice of language.
vibrations in escalating. – is escalating? Yet again, this is something that is more powerful to show not tell.

The source of these instant but random disturbances in moving closer. – Ah! Read through! A lot of what I’m pointing out is first draft errors. I could help you so much more if I didn’t have to guess what you mean first.

Mortars. – I’m a little confused, as I know you’ve made a lot of little mistakes. Do you mean mortals, the weapon, or the building material? I can make all three work so it’s hard to know what this means. Is it in another language, meaning deaths?

It’s the same sort of 1st draft problems all the way through, although less when you fall into a more paragraphed structure. I think you should focus more on the first half before redrafting the whole thing so I won’t mention too much from there on.

creaking joints – This sounds more like a door than a human. Aching joints, maybe they could click – just something to think about.

Something similar to a gut feeling – Similar to gut feeling? It sounds like it is gut feeling to me. If you want to stray away from a cliché or play on one it needs a slightly bigger creative spin.

"Yes! American!" – He’s being hesitant, so I don’t feel that the exclamation marks fit. I think if you read through you’ll be able to do this piece a lot of good.

I love the concept, which is why I want you to edit this and then let me come back and review it again. It was a good read but needs a fair bit of revising and editing. Good luck, and let me know if you need me to explain anything further.

yeah use less words and try to hook me more in the beginning. i lost interest real fast

The beginning was a bit weak for me. It is VERY wordy and was too much for me, so I wasn't very interested in finishing reading it. Try to make the beginning stronger.