Young Writers Society

This isn't super polished because I wrote it as the idea came to me, so let me know what you think. Thanks.
Chapter 1
The man at the bar sat in silence, his fedora pulled down low and a beer untouched in front of him. He wore a black suit and had a vintage leather watch on. He caressed the cold glass bottle and stared off into the distance. I sat a little to his left and decided that I would flirt with him. His mysterious attitude drew me in. Touching his arm I felt him tense and then relax. He turned only a bit and I could see a smile forming on his lips. "what do you want?" his voice was like a deep tunnel into nothingness. "I was just wonder---" I was cut short when the sounds of angry men entering the bar came closer and grew louder.
"Hey Pal, Didn't I tell you never to show your face in these parts again?" One chubby, sweaty man in business attire yelled at the mysterious man next to me.
"If that were the case I don’t think you made it very clear." the mysterious man growled. I sat helpless and wondered what to call him besides the mysterious man. I wanted his name (and maybe his number) but what were the chances a 23 year old waitress like me could pick up this guy.
The chubby man clapped his hand twice and the group of 5 men took out guns and suddenly I saw that the bar was empty. Everyone had abandoned ship except dumb me!!!!!! I could feel my heart racing and tried to keep my cool while spotting the nearest exit for a quick escape. The leader in the business suit left the bar and we were surrounded by his men.

"No need to get violent." He said in a calm voice that hinted something dangerous. He stood and took out a cigarette and lit it. He took a deep puff and let out the smoke. It formed a ring above his head like a halo and I thought it would make a good picture to capture the drama of the moment. Too bad I didn't have a camera with me.

"Don't talk! Get rid of the girl one of ya." A guy from the group spoke with a heavy New Jersey accent. I stood up and hid behind the mysterious man and quickly I heard him whisper "Hold tightly to my coat.". I clinched the back of his coat and he quickly pulled out two pistols. He grabbed me by the waist and I let go of his coat. We dived behind the bar table as they opened fire. He then cocked both pistols and fired three shots above the counter. One man screamed; he had been hit. He went back around the side of the bar table and crouched low. I peaked over and saw him aim for the leg of another man. "BAM." another one down crying in pain. He only had one left but he fled.

I had just witnessed a crime happen and I was a part of it. I was a witness……

The mysterious man started to head for the door, still calmly smoking his cigarette and turned to me.
"Don't follow or you die." he opened the door and walked briskly out and onto the street. Pfft, who did he think he was?! I could take him any day any how even if it was just in my dreams. Truth is, I wasn't afraid of him, but attracted to him like bees to honey. I wasn't going to let him get away so I ran out to find the streets empty. Then I heard the sound of a sports cars engine rev behind the building in the alley. It came out into the street and it was a sleek Audi. I knew he wouldn't stop for me so I did the dumbest thing any person could ever do in the city. With as much courage as I could muster I ran out in front of his car and closed my eyes bracing for the hit. He slammed on the breaks and I pretended to faint. He stepped out of his car and stood over me.
"Get up, you aren't fooling me. What the hell are you trying to do?!" he sounded angry, but I ignored his tone.
"The least you can do is take me home after all this." I said shyly.
Sighing he pondered the thought and right then a van sped around the corner and more shots broke out.

"Get in the car!" He ran back and hopped into the drivers seat and I jumped into the passenger side. Before I even had a chance to put on my seatbelt he stomped on the gas and we lurched forward.

hello, I am Psudiname and I will be reviewing your work today. you will be pleased to know that I have no negative comments, and would simply like to complement you on your writing. just as a general thing, I really like your style of writing. the way you develop your main charecter while at the same time moving the story along is nice. good premise, as I am currently in a phase of admiration for mysterious shanelike gunslingers. keep up the charecter development, but maybe add a little more detail to the surroundings, and the situation. i urge you to continue writing this, and would be happy if you read my works as well.
--- your friend, Psudiname

I'll check our writing and review! Thanks for reviewing my work. Yeah, I was rushing in class to get it posted, but i'm going to go back in an edit and add more depth.

He swiftly turned the corner and made it out to the busy streets. I glanced in the mirror and saw the white van not far behind. A window on the passenger side of the van rolled down and the head of a machine gun pointed at us.

"Who are you?!" I shouted in panic, because obviously he had to be on America's most wanted list. He took his time answering and focused on the road. Weaving in and out of traffic and not caring if he would cause an accident. "I'm Adriano, may I ask of your name?" he said still intensely focused. Gun shots rang out and the innocent civilians in the cars around us began to swerve to avoid being hit. "I'm Emma Clark, pleased to meet you." I tried to sound cheery even in the awkward situation, but he only rolled his eyes. I hated that he wore his hat down so low that I couldn't see his face. Maybe he is a psycho killer or something. No wonder my parents rejected me…my logic just isn't there. I walked right into his mysterious trap! Well I couldn't place all the blame on myself, who wouldn't want to run away with a mystery guy. Though I must admit after my last breakup which was recently I'd been looking for a rebound and boy did I score. Now I wasn't so certain I'd make It through the night.

We were in the heart of New York City and I noticed that we had lost the van (well maybe…I wasn't paying attention). He drove swiftly into a garage of an apartment complex and got out of the car. He gestured for me to get out as well. I opened the door and stepped out and he grabbed me by the wrist and led me out of the garage and behind a dumpster near the side of the building. The white van pulled into the garage and I could hear the doors opening and closing. Some words were exchanged and I looked behind me to find that Adriano was not there. Alright, check list: Just met a potential guy, potential guy abandoned me for death, and now I'm not sure what to do. Then just before I could even think of how I wanted my funeral the garage exploded and the sound of car alarms going off filled the air. People started to open their windows and look out and I didn't want to be the one to blame for this. I walked to the front of the building and saw Adriano walking on the other side of the street talking on a cell phone. I know he probably left me for good reasons, but he was interesting even though I didn’t know much. I was actually proud to be considered a little stalker right about now. I walked across the street ignoring the fire in the garage and walked a few feet behind him. I would be as quiet as a mouse and maybe he wouldn't notice me.


He walked a pretty long distance before stopping and looking behind him only to find me staring at him. He took out his pistol and pointed it at me. "You've got 5 seconds." he started to count down and I hesitated about moving, but stayed put. Another man came running behind him and stopped out of breath. He spoke quickly in Italian and Adriano nodded. "Who is she?" the man walked closer to me and I realized that he was probably a year or two older. He had dark, short, wavy hair that was messy like he had just woken up and he wore a white suit with a red tie as though he worked in a luxury hotel. He had on white gloves and was holding a folder. "Well, don't kill her. You have enough blood on your hands, but we can't leave her. I wired the van and they know of her now. We should make our way to Café Expressions and talk this over. There has been a string of murders over the week and I'm thinking it’s the same guy." the man scrutinized me before leaning in close. "You are lucky I saved your life." he whispered then pulled back. We all walked towards the Café three blocks away from the garage and went in. It was like a modern restaurant; the tables were made of polished oak and the walls were painted beige while floral wall paper and ivy lined the ceiling.

We sat at a booth in the far back where the light was low and an emergency exit loomed near. I checked the clock and it was already 1 am. The café was slightly crowded with college aged hipsters and businessmen. The sound of chatter, the smell of coffee, and the feelings of the couple of events I'd just witnessed churned within me and I felt slightly intoxicated like all this was a dream. Adriano glanced at the menu before setting it aside as the waitress came to our table.

"What would you like to start with?" she asked in a cheery voice. She was a young teenager and had brown hair that was cut into a bob. Her cheeks were flushed red and she looked a little clumsy. I looked over to Adriano and he looked back at me like he was daydreaming. Finally I said "I'll have a hot chocolate with whipped cream." I pushed the menu back to Adriano and he snapped out of his trance. "Oh uh, I'll have a water." he pushed the menu towards his partner and he scanned the beverages. "I'll have a green tea." he nodded and handed her the menu back and she walked away.

"So, what is this all about?" I asked trying not to seem too eager. They didn't really seem in the mood to chat with me, but it was now or never.

"It's about--" Adriano's partner started but then a thud sounded from under the table and Adriano seemed to stiffen. D*mn he was smarter than he seemed and very clever. A little childish to kick your accomplice but whatever it takes to keep the info from me I'm sure Adriano would find a way.

"God! What was that for?! Just forget it. Anyways, I'm Patrick and as you might now this is Adriano. We are working for an organization. Nothing too serious." Patrick shrugged and rubbed his knee. Nothing too serious my a**. HELLO! I almost got killed! I wanted to shout at them both, but kept my patience.
The waitress came back with a tray and placed it on our table. "Here you are, if you need anything else just speak up." she turned around and left us alone to enjoy our orders. Adriano sipped his water carelessly and seemed very down. I wanted to snatch that fedora off his head so that I could see his face clearly, but I resisted the urge.

Hey, Book here.
I find this story to be okay, quite interesting. I couldn't find any nitpicks, so that's good
But other than that, is was just okay, you could have done better though ^ ^
PM me when the next chapters come out, I wonder why the people wanted to kill her xD
so that's it, I hoped I helped.( im not really good with reviews :p)
Keep on writing!

~Book Person~

Hey.
Really good story. I was really interested and hope to see more. I didn't notice anything really bad, and thought your writing was very good!
One thing though. When she says "Pffft who is he..." I think you should put it as a thought of hers or even make her say it silently. Other than that little thing (fixed or not fixed it's still really good) the writing is EXCELLENT! The story is good, and I liked how it jumped right into action.
I hope to see more of a story here soon!
Count on me reading it.
--- Hayley Anne