Young Writers Society

After the war, the town of Ferruzzano in Italy went into poverty and misery. Most of the town had been destroyed in the air raid. People were forced to live on the streets and ate whatever they could get their hands on. The Streets weren’t at all safe anymore. Before the war, they were filled with music and festivals, but now they’re filled with misery and death.

Outside of Ferruzzano, our family owned a small farm. I just happened to be ploughing the fields when my mother, Enza, came racing down the hill and towards the farmhouse screaming: “PEPE! PEPE!” I dropped my plough and turned to my hysterical mother while she ran through the doorway. “What mother?” I asked. “YOUR PAPA MARIO WAS SHOT!” Enza collapsed on her knees and started weeping. I ran to the town non-stop.

When I reached Ferruzzano, I saw a large crowding of street beggars circling my wounded father. I pushed in and came to my father’s aid by supporting his head. There was blood everywhere. “I’m here now father!” I ensured. “Peh…pe” muttered my father before he died. I was crying like a baby.

The next day, some townsfolk, mother and I carried father’s coffin through the hills and to the cemetery. Everyone was weeping. That night, I asked Mamma: “Who shot father?” after weeping, she replied: “The Mafiosi. Papa refused to pay the taxes so they shot him. We didn’t even have any money!” Mamma then burst into tears again.

When Mamma was asleep, I left the house and went into town to my Uncle Carlo’s house, which had also survived the air raid. I knocked twice. Carlo opened the door slightly, grabbed me by the collar and pulled me in. “Pepe! You should know better than to wander these streets at night! Especially alone!” Carlo warned. “I’m sorry Zio, but I need you to help me hunt down Don Boggiano and his Mafiosi bastards!” I explained. Carlo refused my request. "Don't you want to kill him after he and his men stole your share of this year's harvest and last year's as well?" I persisted to persuade him. Carlo still shook his head. But behind his stubborn attitude, I could detect fear in his eyes. "Come on Carlo!, he put Nonno out of business from the Pizzeria and when Nonno swore his revenge, he was murdered!" a tear rolled down my cheek just remembering that horrific time in my life." a tear swelled up in Carlo's eye as well and he finally accepted.

I slept at Carlo’s house that night and in the morning, Carlo handed me a small revolver and said: “Now remember nipote, you only have one shot capisci?” “Yes uncle” I replied. Carlo and I arrived at the gates of the Villa Boggiano, just outside of town. “What do you want?” asked one of the rifle-armed guards with a stern voice. “We need to give the Don his payment” said Carlo. The gates opened. “Make it quick!” demanded the other guard.

Don Boggiano was watering his plants as we approached him. “NOW PEPE!” screamed Carlo. I pulled out the revolver, aimed it at the Don and fired. “BUONANOTTE, YOU BASTARD!” I screamed. The dead Don was then soaking in a puddle of his own blood. “RUN!” yelled Carlo as we climbed and jumped over the stone fence. I heard a shot. When Carlo reached the bottom of the fence, there was a bullet in the back of his head. One of the guards had shot him. I ran back to the farmhouse, carrying my dead uncle in my arms.

When I reached the farmhouse, mamma saw Carlo dead and wailed hysterically. I also wept. We buried my Uncle Carlo next to his brother, my father. Father would have wanted that.
THE END

By TheBigCheese

Alrighty then, I'll review your story for you.

Straight out of hand, I'd advise you to take your time in describing scenes and the actions more carefuly. Reading through your story was like reading through a summary, you had good happenings and events, but you seemed to just skim through the story. It felt like you just wanted to get it done as fast as possible. One good example of this was:

Carlo refused my request at first, but I finally convinced him.

You could have taken your time and told us HOW you convinced him, instead of just stating the fact. I know it's a short story, but that doesn't mean you have to go through it as fast as possible. So, try to get more depth into your work by describing more.

On another note, I liked your plot. The revenge theme is always nice. The only problem was what I said earlier: descriptions, descriptions. In a revenge themed story, one should make the reader sympathize with the protagonist. In yours the characters seemed 2-D, they felt like paper figurines, they had no depth to them.

Lastly, here are some nitpicks I noticed:

When there are more than one person speaking, hit the "Enter" button inbetween the things different people say. Just to make it clearer who is saying what.

The Streets weren’t safe at all anymore

Changing the order of "safe" and "at all" makes it an easier read.

Before the war, they were to be filled with music and festivals, but now they’re filled with misery and death.

I think you could lose the "to be" here, it sounds awkward.

I just happened to be ploughing the fields when my mother, Enza came racing down the hill

Add a comma after Enza as well.

“Peh…pe” muttered my father before he died

There should be a comma between "pe" and the quotes.

went into town to my Uncle Carlo’s house which had also survived the air raid

Add a comma between the red words.

........................

Overall, I liked your setting. It was nicely constructed, but could use more depth to it. Are you starting to sense a pattern here? Your characters had good names, and I enjoyed the fact that you used Italian(?) words to bring more reality into the story. With a boosting in description, I believe this would make a really nice short story.

Hope I helped and didn't come along as too much of a negative critic ,
|WaitingForLife|

Thanks Waitingforlife,
for taking the time to read my story.
It was acually an english assignment that
had to fit a certain word limit,
so i left some descriptions out.

Anyway, thanx for your criticism, i could really use it!

Good job on the story. It must have taken you a while to think up that story. But after reading this story I could see that you are really passionate about the Italian culture. also, brilliant job with trying to make it seem like the you are trying to put on an accent for the characters.

Hey TheBigCheese!

R.O.C. here again to comment on your work!

The first thing I noticed when I began reading this piece was "This person must know his Italian culture". I do hope I am correct. I'd also like to hazard a guess that you Italian (don't answer)? I presume that you are as you knowledge of Italian is good.

Turning to the story itself, I felt that it was rushed quite a bit. It's meant to be a short story but you can make it longer if need be - there's nothing against that. Your grammar and spelling was fine, just a few things need to be changed here and there which are very simple. Other than that, it was a good read!


MWAHAHAHA!
-R.O.C.