Young Writers Society

Running around the corner and found myself on a deserted street. The houses on either side of the road were dark and lifeless. I heard a sudden howl behind me and without looking back I ran into the front yard of the nearest House to my left, climbed over the gate and hid behind an old oak tree. To wait for my heart and breathing to stop racing, I leaned against an oak tree, a few minutes later I heard some shuffling followed by slow even footsteps, not human footsteps, not animal either. I looked around the corner and hesitated as I stepped slowly away from the tree and jumped as I felt something touch my shoulder, turning around I confronted by a tall figure, its face hidden under a dark hoodie and the shadow of the tree. “You scared me” I snapped as I realized who it was. “Sorry” he grinned, and flashed a crooked smile. “what are you doing?” Spider asked, looking around the street. “There was something out there” I whispered. “Come on, let’s get out of here” Spider mumbled and dragged me with him.

We got to the end of the street and turned left, which entered another empty street, the only difference was there was no feeling of fear, but that was probably because I had Spider next to me, constantly talking as he walked with his pale skin shining in the moonlight. We arrived at his house, a sweet little town house in the middle of two other identical houses. As I walked through the front door I smelt the familiar smell of lavender. He led me down the hall; pass the living room on my right and the kitchen on my left, up a curling staircase and into his room. As we entered his room automatically I threw my bag on his bed and sat in front of his computer. Spider took a seat on his bed next to the window and opened it, letting fresh evening air into the room. “I saw something out there” I said, as I scanned through a website. “How do you kill a werewolf?” I stared at him and saw confusion in his hazy eyes. “What?” he was caught off-guard by my question.“Well, all I remember them telling us was a werewolf turns into a full wolf if bitten by a vampire, but…never really thought I’d see one with my own eyes until yesterday” I explained. “You mean that’s what you saw yesterday when you went home early?”
“Yeah, at first I couldn’t believe it but, well, I did some research and…well, some of the legends make sense” I grabbed my bag in search of the documents I’ve found the previous night and handed them to him. He skimmed through them and looked up at me. “So…why do you want to kill it?” he asked slowly. “I think it saw me spying on him tonight…that’s why it went after me” He handed me back the papers and I tucked them safely in my bag. “Ok…well, um, maybe, silver weapons aimed at its heart” Spider suggested. “So, does your dad have any?”, Spider’s dad was a hunter, not a regular hunter, see, he believes in the supernatural things, like us. “I suppose so” he answered as we made our way down to his basement. As we walked down the wooden stairs, the smell of rainforest greeted my nostrils. The basement was dim and the air felt heavy. Spider walked over to a wooden cupboard on the far end of the room and came back carrying two throwing knives. “So, what did you actually see it do?” asked Spider handing me one. “It-it was…ripping apart a…body…a live one” I heard my voice start to shake, and so did my hands. “…I think we’ll need more than these” Spider cleared his throat after a long pause. I walked over to the cupboard and picked up the Ithaca 37 “Could we use this?” I asked admiring the gun in my hands. “Yeah, he lets me use anything for emergencies” Spider took it off me and walked over to a table to the left of the stairs and grabbed some silver bullets. “Ok, let’s go”

As I stepped out into the cool night air I felt a sudden shiver run down my back. “Why are the streets empty?” I asked, looking around at the empty streets and dark houses that seemed too silent. “I don’t know, It’s late and it’s Friday the 13th so nothing is open in this side of town anyway” Spider explained, I could tell he was just as nervous as me by the way his head kept glancing at all directions. Spider has only gone hunting with his dad a handful of times, not enough for him to hunt by himself. “So, have you and your dad hunted a werewolf before?” I asked, Spider never really talked about his hunting trips with his dad, he said it would be too graphic for me. “Not me, but I’m sure my dad has”.

As we arrived in front of the entrance of the cemetery, I felt a gush of wind run past, followed by a low howling noise coming from inside the grounds. We ran towards the nearest tree and ducked down, waiting for any sign of movement. We noticed a figure walking towards the north side and we were off. We ran towards it as fast as we could, hiding behind bushes and headstones along the way. We got closer and crouched down under an old tree. The beast was only a few feet away now. I was standing still, looking up at the full moon, waiting, for what? I was afraid to find out. As I tried to get closer I accidently stepped on a twig, it snapped under my foot. “Shh!” Spider instantly placed his index finger to his lips. Too late, I thought as I realized the animal had heard and was walking, slowly in the direction of the tree we were hiding behind. I don’t know what came over me, but I suddenly got up and threw my throwing knife aiming for his head, missed, instead it hit his left arm and the animal howled high pitched sound on the back of its throat. I felt Spider getting up, beside me and shoot. A loud thundering sound escaped the end of the weapon and pounded my ears. The silver bullet shot straight to its stomach and another load howl escaped its throat as I collapsed to its knees. As Spider was ready to shoot another one I felt something grab me and place a long, sharp, thin knife against my neck so closely I was too afraid to breathe. Spider noticed my loud uneven breaths and lowered his gun. He looked at me and froze. “Spider…help” I whispered. I cringed as I felt its hot, heavy, sour breathing against my right ear. Spider held up the gun with a shaky hand and I felt the knife’s pressure as it pressed deeper. The pain rushed through my body as I felt thick, warm blood drip out. All of a sudden I noticed the other werewolf heading towards Spider’s back, ready to attack. “Spider!” I called out, but it was too late he was already being grabbed by the throat, the gun taken off him…

Hello strangeshellie!

Neat name! Anyway, down to the review!

Impression/Plot:
Interesting. I love werewolf/hunter/vampire/creepy mythical stories, so that's good. You don't give us a lot of background for the characters, so it's really hard for me to gauge how I feel about the story so far. Maybe if you go back and revise you can go into a bit more detail about the setting, characters, and their respective backgrounds,etc. As readers, we like to be intrigued by what we read.
Right now all I know is that there are two teenagers: one named Spider and the other one, the MC I suppose, doesn't have a name. You really need to give her a name. I'm assuming it's a girl. Those two know about "supernatural" stuff, Spider's dad is a hunter (like from Supernatural, great show! Ahem), the girl (no name) saw a werewolf killing someone, and they decide to go off on their own to kill it. Okay, so while I was reading it I thought, "Silly kids, haven't you ever seen a horror movie? Don't go after the monster by yourselves in the dark on Friday the 13th." But they didn't listen. Guess where they ended up? That's right, werewolf bait. Hopefully they don't get eaten.

Grammar/Style/Syntax:
The way you had this formatted--giant blocks of text--isn't very fun to read. I'd suggest breaking the large paragraphs down into smaller ones, preferably giving each character their own paragraph when the dialogue changes to them. Example:

Running around the corner and I found myself on a deserted street. The houses on either side of the road were dark and lifeless. I heard a sudden howl behind me and without looking back, I ran into the front yard of the nearest house to my left, climbed over the gate and hid behind an old oak tree. I waited for my racing heart to return to normal as I leaned against the sheltering tree, and a few minutes later I heard some shuffling followed by slow even footsteps: not human footsteps, not animal either.

I looked around the corner and hesitated as I stepped slowly away from the tree and jumped as I felt something touch my shoulder. Turning around I was confronted by a tall figure, its face hidden under a dark hoodie and the shadow of the tree.

“You scared me,” I snapped as I realized who it was.

“Sorry,” he replied, and flashed a crooked smile. “What are you doing?” Spider asked, looking around the street.

“There was something out there” I whispered.

“Come on, let’s get out of here,” Spider mumbled and dragged me with him.

Okay, so with that first block of text, I corrected any grammatical errors I found, spaced the dialogue out properly, and tweaked anything else that I thought was odd. All of those fixings are in green. You might notice that I changed up and added different sentences, but it's just stuff I thought would contribute to a better flow. You don't necessarily have to change them.

Final Remarks!:
I thought it was cool that you had a character named Spider. That's something I've never come across before, so it's unique in that way. I think you just want to be careful not to go down the cliche road when writing about this topic. It sounds like you're going for a more hunter-style story here, so you probably have nothing to worry about. This has promise, so don't give up on it. Just keep writing and fleshing out your characters to make them seem more believable, and I'm sure this will turn out to be an absolutely delightful work. Oh, and please mind your grammar.

Happy Writing!
Bailey

Hello.

I'll be honest and say I only read the first half of paragraph one.

The first thing that grated on me was the lack of a hook as a first line. There was no real reason to keep reading, nor any surprising element that made you want to find out what was going on. With a title like "hunting for trouble" I was expecting a bit more of a hook. This article goes into more depth on the topic.

The second thing I noticed was your formatting. Each time a new person speaks, there should be a new paragraph. So this:

I looked around the corner and hesitated as I stepped slowly away from the tree and jumped as I felt something touch my shoulder, turning around I confronted by a tall figure, its face hidden under a dark hoodie and the shadow of the tree. “You scared me” I snapped as I realized who it was. “Sorry” he grinned, and flashed a crooked smile. “what are you doing?” Spider asked, looking around the street. “There was something out there” I whispered. “Come on, let’s get out of here” Spider mumbled and dragged me with him.

Becomes this:

I looked around the corner and hesitated as I stepped slowly away from the tree and jumped as I felt something touch my shoulder, turning around I confronted by a tall figure, its face hidden under a dark hoodie and the shadow of the tree.

“You scared me” I snapped as I realized who it was.

“Sorry” he grinned, and flashed a crooked smile.

“what are you doing?” Spider asked, looking around the street.

“There was something out there” I whispered. “Come on, let’s get out of here” Spider mumbled and dragged me with him.

I'd also work on this thing called punctuation. You need some at the end of each line of dialogue; what I'll leave up to you. This article is on dialogue punctuation, and while you're at it, I'd suggest looking at this article on punctuation marks. Pay special attention to the capitalization section, as you are missing/misusing them. ("House" [not quoted] should be "house" and "what" [in Spider's dialogue] should be capitalized.)

Hope this helps. PM me if you have any questions/comments.

~Rosey

my formatting was actually like that i dunno what happened when i pasted it on the site :/
anyways thanks for reviewing

Alright, so, I'm gonna tackle one thing in this review, and it's gonna be quick.

We got to the end of the street and turned left, which entered another empty street, the only difference was there was no feeling of fear, but that was probably because I had Spider next to me, constantly talking as he walked with his pale skin shining in the moonlight. We arrived at his house, a sweet little town house in the middle of two other identical houses. As I walked through the front door I smelt the familiar smell of lavender. He led me down the hall; pass the living room on my right and the kitchen on my left, up a curling staircase and into his room. As we entered his room automatically I threw my bag on his bed and sat in front of his computer. Spider took a seat on his bed next to the window and opened it, letting fresh evening air into the room.
“I saw something out there” I said, as I scanned through a website.
“How do you kill a werewolf?” I stared at him and saw confusion in his hazy eyes. “What?” he was caught off-guard by my question.
“Well, all I remember them telling us was a werewolf turns into a full wolf if bitten by a vampire, but…never really thought I’d see one with my own eyes until yesterday” I explained.
“You mean that’s what you saw yesterday when you went home early?”
“Yeah, at first I couldn’t believe it but, well, I did some research and…well, some of the legends make sense” I grabbed my bag in search of the documents I’ve found the previous night and handed them to him. He skimmed through them and looked up at me.
“So…why do you want to kill it?” he asked slowly.
“I think it saw me spying on him tonight…that’s why it went after me” He handed me back the papers and I tucked them safely in my bag.
“Ok…well, um, maybe, silver weapons aimed at its heart” Spider suggested.
“So, does your dad have any?”, Spider’s dad was a hunter, not a regular hunter, see, he believes in the supernatural things, like us. “I suppose so” he answered as we made our way down to his basement.
As we walked down the wooden stairs, the smell of rainforest greeted my nostrils. The basement was dim and the air felt heavy. Spider walked over to a wooden cupboard on the far end of the room and came back carrying two throwing knives.
“So, what did you actually see it do?” asked Spider handing me one.
“It-it was…ripping apart a…body…a live one” I heard my voice start to shake, and so did my hands.
“…I think we’ll need more than these” Spider cleared his throat after a long pause. I walked over to the cupboard and picked up the Ithaca 37
“Could we use this?” I asked admiring the gun in my hands. “Yeah, he lets me use anything for emergencies” Spider took it off me and walked over to a table to the left of the stairs and grabbed some silver bullets.
“Ok, let’s go”

Alright, so
1) always start a new paragraph with speech.
That makes it easier for the reader to read and understand.
2)you use ellipses a lot. Why? You can also show stuttering using em-dashes.

Overall, this was good. Although, I found some of your speech unrealistic, like the part here, and your emotions didn't seem to match.
Think. how would you react in your characters place?

~WickedWonder