Young Writers Society

~Hey, everyone. This is my new historical story. Enjoy!~

Winter, 1806

A clear water droplet trickled down the window panel. The faster it came down to the windowsill, the other droplets followed. The window was getting wetter in the inside but icy cold to the touch on the outside. The temperature during the season was frigid and lakes were frozen solid.
The wind was growing harsher with every passing moment. The howling sound of the wind spooked the horses that were inside the barn. Snow was falling heavily, showering the earth with snowflakes of different patterns, not one ever being the same as the other.
The people in the house were trying to get warm due to the cold temperature outside. The fireplace in every room was lit and white candles were put out to replace the cold. An eerie, orange glow vibrated off the brown walls, showing dark figures passing by.
Servants and maids quickly scampered by, getting ready for the departure of the owners of the house. Voices of the young and old bounced throughout the halls of the Ridgeway household.
A young girl, around the age of eight, was leaning by the window, her hot breath gliding onto the glass. She took her wool shawl in her hands and lifted her hand up on the window, making circles. After she was done, she gently pulled her small hand back, wrapping her arms around herself.
She lifted herself up on her toes and peered out the window. It looks really cold out there. I wish mama and papa didn't have to go.
Amelia didn't noticed the creaking of the floorboard as someone was lightly pressing their feet upon the wooden floor, “Amelia?” The childish voice frightened the young girl as she dropped down on her feet.
Amelia saw her close friend by her side shivering to death. “Emma? What's the matter?”
“I'm really cold. Why doesn't spring come?” Emma's innocent voice was dropping lower to a whisper.
“I don't know, Emma.” Amelia gently placed her arm around Emma's back, pulling her in closer. “Come in closer, Emma. So we can both make each other warm.”
Emma's light pink lips curved up a half a inch, showing her attempt at a smile. “Okay.” Her voice was small as a whisper.
The two girls waited in the cold for a second then noticed a elderly woman came up the chestnut, boarded steps. Emma immediately pulled away from Amelia and ran to the lady. “Mama!” Her mother gave her only daughter a tight hug as Amelia came by them.
They glanced at Amelia and Emma's mama offered her into the hug. I know they always care for me. Amelia's pink lips curved up into a bold smile as the other two wrapped their arms around her. I can always feel safe when I'm around them. A second went by and Amelia pulled back. She then looked up at Emma's mama and asked, “Why does mama and papa have to go to the ball?”
When she was about to speak one of Lady Gray's blond curl fell into her painted face and lightly placed them back where they were. She sighed at Amelia's question. Amelia had asked everybody why her parents were leaving. “Amelia, dear.” Lady Gray's voice was comforting but concerned. “You know your father got into the party because of his job and it would be rude not to go. He does such a wonderful job that his boss would like to place him in a higher position. So you see, Amelia it is very important that your parents go tonight. And if tonight goes well...” Lady Gray's voice drifted off into something the girls couldn't hear.
Emma tugged on her mother's evening gown. “Mama, where's Nat?”
Lady Gray snapped the conversation away from her thoughts, “Emma, he's downstairs. And why don't we all go downstairs and see Amelia's parents before they go.”
“Yes, mama!” Emma's sad smile turned upside down. She gave Amelia and her mother a huge, bright smile knowing her brother was in the house. “Come on, Amelia! Nat's here.”
“Coming, Emma.” Except Emma didn't hear because she was already halfway down the stairs.
“Come, Amelia. Let's say goodbye to your mama and papa.”
Amelia followed her friend's mother down the stairs and walked into the front lobby. The first people, Amelia saw were her parents. “Mama! Papa!” Amelia rushed up to her parents as they were about to leave.
Her mother turned around, “Amelia. We have to go now.” Lady Ridgeway told her only child.
“Why, mama?”
“Amelia, I'm not going to discuss this right now. We have to go or we'll be late.” She said, sliding her other white glove on.
“Coming, dear?” Amelia's papa asked. “Amelia, we'll see you tomorrow morning.” Her father placed a cheery smile on to brighten his daughter's spirits.
“Yes.” Amelia's mother turned to friend.
“Lady Gray, I thank you so much for looking after Amelia for us.”
“It's a pleasure to watch her. But you'd better go before the snow builds up.” She gave a thankful smile and pulled Amelia into a motherly hug. She tighten her slender arms around Amelia as she whispered in her ear, “I'll miss you.”
She then pulled back and gave that same cheery smile as her husbands, “See you in the morning dear.” Oh, I wish mama and papa could stay home. They don't have to go to that party.
“Bye, bye, mama.” Amelia spoke softly as she was on the verge of tears. I don't want them to go. I want them to stay with me. A house servant gave the Ridgeways their coats, opened the door and Amelia's parents disappeared into the snowy night.
“No.” At the corner of her eye, a tear dropped down her cheek. “Mama! Papa! Don't go!” Amelia hiccuped as the salty tears flowed down her soft, pink face. Please come back.
Suddenly a hand touched her shoulder, “Don't worry, Amelia. They'll come home.” She turned around to the happy voice of Nathaniel.
“Yes, Amelia. They'll come home.” Emma echoed her brother's words.
She wiped her tears away with the back of her hand, “Okay.”
Nathaniel and Emma, then took Amelia's hands and lead her upstairs. I will miss you and please come home soon. Her thoughts soon died off as they walked up the steps in the Ridgeway household.

Hey, Merry.

I decided that I couldn't resist to read your story since I like Sophia's Suitors so much.

Well, here's my review!

The window was getting wetter in the inside but freezing to the touch on the outside.

This is an odd sentence. I would try to reword it somehow to make it easier to understand. It makes sense, but something about makes the reader stop on it.

The inside of the house was trying to get warm due to the cold temperature outside.

You repeat cold many times. From the first sentence, you say that it is cold. Also, your first thing is Winter, so that just automatically tells the reader about it. My suggestion would be to try to describe the cold with out using "cold" or "freezing". Be creative

Voices of the young and old bounced throughout the halls of the Ridgeway household.

Loved this sentence! My fav

I must mention the end because you had some foreshadowing there when the girl was worried about her parents. I would try to make that more mysterious to give the reader more suspense.

Otherwise, you seem to have me hooked on another Historical Fiction story of yours.

PM me when you post more!

A clear water droplet trickled down the window panel at a fast pace.

This sentence intrigued me untilt he "at a fast pace" part. I don't know why, but...that just feels like a bit of awkward phrasing. But my brain isn't working properly so I can't think of a way to make it flow more naturally (sorry if I end up talking about "natural flow" a LOT, it's what I consider one of the most important facets to writing, being able to make your writing flow in a natural way, and guess what, that sentence is a total example of how NOT to do natural flow).

The faster it came down to the windowsill, the other droplets followed. The window was getting wetter in the inside but freezing to the touch on the outside. The temperature during the season was freezing and lakes were frozen solid.

You say "freezing" a bit often in this pargraph...personally I'd replace the first "freezing" with "icy cold", and the second one with "frigid". The final "frozen" is fine as it is, though.

The wind was growing harsher with every passing moment. The howling sound of the wind scared? (do you mean "spooked"? That would sound a little more natural/specific) the horses that were inside the barn. Snow was falling heavily, showering the earth with snowflakes of different patterns, not one ever being the same as the other.

Just made fixes for the sake of--get ready--making it flow more naturally. I do love your description of the snowfall, though.

The inside of the house was trying to get warm due to the cold temperature outside.

Would this work better as "The people inside the house"? Insides of houses don't warm themselves up, you know, unless they're the kind of house Ray Bradbury liked to write about. You know, like in "There Will Come Soft Rains" and "The Veldt" and...*suddenly has the idea that she's talking about something no one else understands*

Servants and maids quickly went by, getting ready for the departure of the owners of the house.

WENT. Really, now? In most cases, if it's posible to use another verb besides "went", then DO IT. "Went" is such a dull, nondescriptive verb that in most cases it's better to eschew it completely. I'd suggest "scamper" or "scurry" as a more specific replacement; that would give a better image of what's going on.

A young girl, around the age of eight, was by the window with her hot breath gliding onto the glass.

Something about the sentence is a little awkwardly worded...might I suggest excising the "with" and replacing it with a comma? Also, you could add a more descriptive word in front of "by", such as "sitting", "slouching", "leaning", whatever. It'd give the reader a much clearer picture of what the girl is doing than just saying she's "by" the window.

She lifted herself up on her toes and peered out the window. It looks really cold out there. I wish mama and papa don't have to go.

Nice, very sweet insight into a little girl's thought processes. I find writing children hard, so it's a learning experience for me to see them written well.

“Amelia?” The childish voice frightened the young girl as she dropped down on her feet.
Amelia saw her close friend by her side shivering to death. “Emma? What's the matter?”
“I'm really cold. Why doesn't spring come?” Emma's innocent voice was dropping lower to a whisper.

Huh? What happened? Did a new girl come on to the scene? Maybe you should describe her entrance in more detail, as I was confused about hwat happened.

.Sorry, I'll finish it later. My parents have suddenly decided to go shopping so I'll finish this when I get back from shopping. Sorry to inconvenience you. =((((

Bickazer-
Thanks for the helpful review. When I get the chance today, I'll revise it.
And no, this wasn't a inconvenience for me. I need all the help I can get.
-Merry

No no, I didn't mean the review as an incovenience, I meant me breaking off midway...

Well, I'm back from shopping (for now...my parents are hosting a party tomorrow and they've been going back and forth all day long, so who knows when I get swept up into the shopping web again) so allow me to finish what I started.

Emma's light pink lips curved up a half a inch showing her attempt at a smile. “Okay.” Her voice was small as a whisper.

Very nice, vivid description here.

A mere moment passed waiting in the cold, as an elderly woman came up the chestnut, boarded steps

This is a bit awkwardly worded. Who is waiting int he cold, the moment, or Emma and Amelia? You should probably make the subject a little more clear in that sentence, not to mention that a "mere moment" is a bit of awkward phrasing. How about something a little more like "They waited in the cold, together, for a moment, before an elderly woman came up the..." and so on. Well, not sure about that either, but...you get the gist. >_>

They glanced at Amelia and pulled her into the hug also.

This could do with a little more description, as I sense you're going for a tender scene here, correct? If so, don't just flatly state what happened--go in detail, describe the characters' emotions and so on. As it is now, the scene just feels kind of...flat. Almost like an afterthought, which I definitely don't think you're aiming for.

A second went by and Amelia pulled back. “Lady Gray, why does mama and papa have to go to the ball?”

Is the grammar error intentional (to show that Amelia's just a little girl who doesn't know how to use language correctly) or is it an accident?

One of Lady Gray's blond curl fell into her painted face and lightly placed them back where they were.

The way this is worded is a bit confusing; I don't quite understand what's happening here. Sorry...>_>

“Amelia, dear.” Lady Gray's voice was comforting but concerning.

Change the "concerning" to "concerned".

“You know your father got into the party because of his job and it would be rude not to go. So you see, Amelia it is very important that your parents go tonight. And if tonight goes well...” Lady Gray's voice drifted off into something the girls couldn't hear.

Huh? I don't quite understand why Amelia's father has to go...maybe you should clarify this a little, because it's rather confusing. I can understand if you're trying for a sense of mystery here, but this is less mysterious than just confusing. ~_^ And I'm confused because I thought it was Emma's parents who were going? O_o Oh dear god...

Lady Gray snapped away from her thoughts

Er...did you just switch viewpoints from Emma to Lady Gray? That seems rather sudden and jarring (if you're aiming for a third person limited POV, it probably isn't a good idea to just switch around POV's willy-nilly), unless you're trying to say that Lady Gray snapped Emma out of her thoughts by speaking, or something like that. Sorry, I'm a bit confused here.

“Yes, mama!” Emma's sad smile turned upside down.

Awww, that's just cute.

“Come, Amelia. Let's meet everyone.” Lady Gray's mentioned.

Huh? Whuh? First of all, who is talking here, and do you mean to say that "Let's meet everyone Lady Gray mentioned"? Or is Lady Gray talking here? In that case, a better dialogue tag would be "said"; "mentioned" actually isn't a dialogue tag so it looks awkward and doesn't quite work there.

Amelia followed her friend's mother down the stairs and walked into the front lobby. The first people, Amelia saw were her parents.

Not he, "her". ~_^

“Amelia, I'm not going to discuss this right now. We have to go or we'll be late.” She slid her other white glove on.

Wow, Amelia's mom seems a bit mean. Don't know if you were aiming for that or not, though. Also, I feel the last bit would be better worded as "she said, sliding her gloves on", but whatever suits you.

“Coming dear?” Amelia's papa asked. “Amelia, we'll see you tomorrow morning.” Her father placed a cherry smile on to brighten his daughter's spirits.

There should be a comma between "coming" and "dear". Also, I think you mean "cheery" smile, not "cherry", because I have no idea how a "cherry" smile is supposed to look like. <--I'd imagine something like that though.

“Yes.” Amelia's mother turned to friend. “Lady Gray, I thank you so much for looking after Amelia for us.”

Nothing inherently wrong with this sentence, only since a new person's speaking it should be its own paragraph.

“It's a pleasure to watch her. But you'd better go before the snow builds up.” She gave a smile to thank her and pulled Amelia into a motherly hug.

It'd be a little more naturally worded as "She gve a thankful smile". Also, you should probably describe Amelia and her mother's hug in a little more detail, as I can tell that's supposed to be an emotional scene. Going more in-depth will make it feel all the more real to the reader, and we can then share Amelia's pain.

“Bye. Bye, mama.” A servant opened the door and Amelia's parents disappeared into the snowy night.

Again, this could also do with more elaboration. Amelia's parents leaving is supposed to be an emotional scene, so instead of briefly stating it in a single sentence, expand it. Let us know how Amelia feels, let the parents make a few final farewells, so on and so forth. Treating it as one cursory sentence won't let the reader feel the same emotional impact that Amelia's feeling.

“Don't worry, Amelia. They'll come home.” She turned around to the happy voice of Nathaniel.

This sentence could be confusing in regards to who's speaking, so perhaps amend it to "said Nathaniel. Amelia turned around to face him" or something like that. A little more eloquently worded, of course, but...~_^

“Yes, Amelia. They'll come home.” Emma copied her brother's words.

A stronger word here would be "echoed", methinks. "Copied" implies a more mechanical process, like Emma's basically repeating what Nathaniel's saying without really believing it. "Echoed" has a more emotional connotation.

She smiled and walked to her friends. Yes, I hope they'll come home. And I hope nothing bad will happen to mama and papa.

Awwww...poor Amelia. I love these little monologues--you really get to feel and appreciate her pain. They're sincere and heartfelt, and definitely the way a little girl would realistically think. You've got a good grasp for writing children.

Amelia glanced up at Nat and back down at Emma. They took her hands and walked upstairs knowing that nothing will ever happen.

Er...you kind of switched tenses there, which is jarring. That "will" should be a "would", and there probably should be a comma between "upstairs" and "knowing".

I hope. Just hope, nothing bad happens.

Again, nothing to say to this but awwww. I already hope Amelia will be all right, but y'know, I'm doubting it. Since nothing ever works out easy for story protagonists.

All in all, I quite like this, which is odd because I actually don't really like historical fiction. Your characters ring very true, particularly Amelia--you can really feel her pain at her parents' leaving, and already I just wanna grab her and give her a hug and tell her it's okay. ^^ Which is weird, since I kinda don't like kids, but hey, that's a good thing. It means you've made a solid, sympathetic character. The plot line seems to be set up to be intriguing, too.

My main gripes with this is that at times, it's very...awkwardly phrased. There are some sentences that should be expanded (such as the scenes where Amelia's parents are leaving), and many times you've got extraneous words, or just word your sentences in ways that are a bit difficult to understand. I can usually see the thought behind the sentences, but the sentence itself tends to fall short of delivering the thought. It IS quite difficult getting your prose to express exactly what you want to say, though; I certainly have a TON of trouble doing so. So don't despair! And while I know this is only a prologue, I feel that maybe you should include a bit more background information. Like, midway through the story I suddenly realized I didn't even know if this was taking place in England or the United States. Just saying. ~_^

I also liked how this was rather short. I mean, it's okay to write a lot (since I do), but at the same time...reviewing long works is a bit of a hassle, so I appreciated this piece's brevity. A minor observation, but all the same...

Heeey, on one final vaguely off-topic note, I was wondreing...if it wouldn't inconvenience you, maybe you could take a look at the fantasy story I've just written (in the fantasy forum, obviously)? I mean, of course, if you don't want to you don't have to, I'd hate to be an imposition on anyway, but the reason I kinda wanted to ask you was because I have a child character in there too, who isn't much older than Amelia, and I was fretting a lot over whether I was portraying him accurately enough. You seem to know more about writing children then me, so I thought...I mean, of course there's no real need to.

Keep up the good work!

Bickazer-
I took your pointers into consideration and edited the best I could do. So thank you for all your criticism, it helped a lot.

Ashley-
Thanks for the constructive review. I took what you pointed out and fixed it. So thank you again.
And I will definitely pm you when chapter 1 is up.

-Merry

Ye-es, that's much better--much more emotional and informative (I still, however, am in the dark about where this takes place). I love your description; it's very vivid and your imagery is particularly sharp. Good job.

That being said, there are still a few minor errors, mostly mechanical--

Amelia didn't noticed the creaking of the floorboard as someone was lightly pressing their feet upon the wooden floor, “Amelia?” The childish voice frightened the young girl as she dropped down on her feet.

Sorry, but this scene is still rather...unlcear. I'm not quite certain what's happening here, so maybe you oughtta elaborate on it?

I know they always care for me. Amelia's pink lips curved up into a bold smile as the other two wrapped their arms around her. I can always feel safe when I'm around them.

AWWWWW. How sweet! My heart just melted when I read this...good job!

Lady Gray snapped the conversation away from her thoughts

Sorry, but again...I'm still not entirely sure what this means. Damn it, I feel like an idiot! >_>

The first people, Amelia saw were her parents.

That comma shouldn't be there.

She gave a thankful smile and pulled Amelia into a motherly hug.

Who did she give the thankful smile to...? If you didn't mean for the thankful smile to be given to anyone, then it'd be better put as "she smiled thankfully" or "she put on a thankful smile" or something of that ilk, otherwise you should put "she gave a thankful smile to--"

She then pulled back and gave that same cheery smile as her husbands,

That'd be "husband's", with an apostrophe.

“No.” At the corner of her eye, a tear dropped down her cheek. “Mama! Papa! Don't go!” Amelia hiccuped as the salty tears flowed down her soft, pink face. Please come back.

AWWWWW~ Poor Amelia... Don't worry Amelia, come here, Bickazer will give you a big hug~!

Sorry...that was creepy. But really, a job well done. Your additions have made your story feel much more emotional and it definitely flows better this time around (though there are some areas where it could be improved even more, to make it sound even more natural). All in all, good job...but I notice, this is a "Preface"? That means there's going to be more, right?

Sorry if this took me a little while, you kind of messaged me at a bad time. I finished my homework but it's dinner time. haha. Okay here we go historical fiction!!!!

A clear water droplet trickled down the window panel. The faster it came down to the windowsill, the other droplets followed. The window was getting wetter in the inside but icy cold to the touch on the outside. The temperature during the season was frigid and lakes were frozen solid.

this is cool!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The people the house were trying to get warm due to the cold temperature outside

.
You forgot 'in' and leave the 'due to the cold temperature outside' its kinda obvious with what you just said.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The fireplace in every room was lit and white candles were put out to replace the cold.

I thought they were trying to get warm? Why would they putt he candles out?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Yes.” Amelia's mother turned to friend.

I think your missing a word here.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

husbands

Husband's
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Okay that's pretty much all I saw for mistakes. I like how Amelia had more thoughts than actual words. Children don't always speak but think...yo know? Good job.
I don't really understand where you are taking this. Kinda confused a little. If her parents go to parties all the time, why is she so upset about this one? Is something going to happen?

I guess i just have to be patient and see.

--Jasmine

Bickazer-
Thank you so much for reviewing again! I'll definitely have to take those pointers and use them.
This takes place in the early 1800s.
I'm going to make this a chapter story, because I have lots to do with this piece.

Jasmine-
Sorry, if I messaged you at a bad time. How's dinner? Okay, I'm totally off topic.
Anyway, thank you so much for checking this out for me. I really appreciate it.
Yes, you'll just have to wait and see what's going to happen.

So thanks guys!
-Merry

This takes place in the early 1800s.

Oh, sorry, I didn't mean the date (I notice you have the date before the story), just...generally...where the story takes place. England? The US? I don't...really know. O_o

Good story, though...I'd like to know what happens next! But I'm patient.

Merry_Haven wrote:~Minor revisions. Since I'm writing another historical fiction, I just couldn't resist this one. So, enjoy!~

Ah, well, I'm all for historical fiction

A clear water droplet trickled down the window panel. The faster it came down to the windowsill, the other droplets followed. The window was getting wetter in the inside but icy cold to the touch on the outside. The temperature during the season was frigid and lakes were frozen solid.

Beautiful start.

The wind was growing harsher with every passing moment. The howling sound of the wind spooked the horses that were inside the barn. Snow was falling heavily, showering the earth with snowflakes of different patterns, not one ever being the same as the other.

Again, wonderfully phrased.

The people the house were trying to get warm due to the cold temperature outside. The fireplace in every room was lit and white candles were put out to replace the cold. An eerie, orange glow vibrated off the brown walls showing dark figures passing by.

I believe you mean , "The people in the house"
And
after "walls", put a comma

Servants and maids quickly scampered by, getting ready for the departure of the owners of the house. Voices of the young and old bounced throughout the halls of the Ridgeway household.

Very good verb choices.

After she was done, she gently pulled her small hand back wrapping her arms around herself.

Comma after "back"

It looks really cold out there. I wish mama and papa don't have to go.

Possible rephrase as "I wish Mama and Papa didn't have to go." ?

“I don't know, Emma.” Amelia gently placed her arm around Emma's back pulling her in closer.

Comma after "back"

Emma's light pink lips curved up a half a inch showing her attempt at a smile. “Okay.” Her voice was small as a whisper.

Comma after "inch".

The two girls waited in the cold, for a second, then noticed a elderly woman came up the chestnut, boarded steps.

No commas needed on either side of "for a second."




__________________________________

Well done. This has real potential and I look forward to reading more.

it's definitly sound interesting, merry.

you will have to keep me updated.