Young Writers Society

As I lie under the endless black night sky, with the millions of silvery stars staring down upon me, my breath coming out in rugged, small gasps, I think of the past little while of my life. Although I feel so upset, so unhappy, I can't regret my decision to do what I did. To experience such love. Love. It's such a little word, a word that we use so much....but it can do so much...

It was on a dark evening-a Tuesday that I came across Wilhelm. I was walking the streets of my little French village, thinking of all the destruction, all the horror caused by the Nazis....by those fiends. My little village-even all of France was being destroyed, people were being killed by them. For what? Their religion? I walked along, my gun in my arms, when a small, quiet plea for help pulled my out of my reverie. It was a man. A Nazi! One of thoswe fiends! I raised my gun to shoot him-to kill him....to....

My menories of the next few hours are clouded, foggy. I know that I must have dropped my weapon, and taken the wounded man to my appartement. I had saved his life. Part of me was disgusted with myself-these people were killing my friends! I couldn't do it, though. I couldn't kill someone. Take away someone's life. Especially someone so weak.

I had put him in my bed. Patched up his wound. Kept him warm. As he awakened, he talked to me. He asked me my name. Thanked me so much for my kindness.

'What is your name?' He asked me after he had awakened.
'Marie.' I replied quietly.
'You saved my life, Marie. Thank you. Thank you so much.'
'Don't. Don't do that! I'm disgusted with myself. You and your cronies are tearing France apart. I should have shot you!'I cried, my throat aching, stupborn tears streaming down my face.
'Please. Please don't feel that way. I was forced here, I have a Nazi uniform, but I'm not killing people. Really. That's why you found me on the street. A fellow soldier caught onto me....I'm lucky to be alive...thanks, really, to you.'

He stayed with me for a while. He was weak, and I couldn't throw him onto the street. He cooked for us sometimes, and helped to clean the appartement. I learned that he had lost his wife in the war. I became so close to him in this next little while. He played piano, like me, and liked poetry, and theatre. We were so alike in so many ways. He was a gentleman. I knew that I was falling in love with him, without my consent, without me even knowing. Love does that to you sometimes. It creeps in, unknowingly, silently, and when it gets there, it refuses to leave.

Although I loved Wilhelm, and I knew that he loved me, I also knew that it must be kept secret. If anyone found out, Wilhelm would be killed, and I would be hated by town, my family outcasted. I couldn't do that, couldn;t risk the ones I loved most being hurt. At night, when it was dark outside, we would go for walks together, gazing at the stars, talking about our dreams, and our lives. He told me about Germany, about his family. We were never caught at this time of night.

Not until tonight. Not until a soldier-a French soldier, a man that I knew well from my village, Franc. He stumbled upon us as we walked, hand in hand, seemingly protected by the black night sky, home to the million twinkling silvery stars.
'Marie....a Nazi? You're with a Nazi?'Franc demanded.
'Franc...well....I...'
'Marie, I am disgusted! These pigs killed your friend! Coralie! Have you forgotten her death?'
At this point, Wilhelm stood in front of me, confrontational.
'Stop this! It's my fault! I'm disgusted with the destruction here! Really!'
'Shut up, you! Marie! Either you kill this monster now or I kill you and him both! I detest traitors!'
I mustered all the bravery, all the courage in me, and all the love I had for Wilhelm.
'I hate the horror done by the Nazis, but I won't stoop to the level of a murderer. I don't want to be on someone's side! I want to be happy! To have a good life!'

I stared at him, my eyes burning woth tears, my throat aching. I knew that I was facing death. I couldn't escape from this. No way. Franc pulled a sharp knife from his belt. 'you leave me no choice, Marie. It pains me to do this.'
As he plunged the knife into my flesh, I cried in pain, tears streaming down my face, my life, my memories of Wilhelm surging through my head.

As I fall to the cold, hard ground, I hear a struggle between Wilhelm and Franc. Wilhelm had manged to wrestle Franc's knife from him, but Franc ran away, escaping. Wilhelm bends down to me, and scoops me up from the ground. With the little consciousness I have left in me, I tell myself that I will fight for Wilheml...I will jeep going for him. I will. Quickly, Wilhelm carries me away from the cold, dark night.

Hello. I shall be your reviewer today. I feel like being idiotic. Just to let you know, I kind of critique funny so I will tell you my legend before I start.

Red is my Adjustments.
Bold is my Personal Comments.

Lets get started shall we?

As I lie under the endless black night sky (no comma) with the millions of silvery stars staring down upon me, my breath coming out in rugged small gasps, I think of the past little while of my life For some odd reason the order of the words in this part just doesn't seem to work for me.. Although I feel so upset, so unhappy, I can't regret my decision to do what I did, to experience such love. Love. It's such a little word, a word that we use so often...(space)but it can do so much... This is an alright paragraph. I does make me want to read on because I am interested. I like how you are describing small details which makes it easier to picture in your head. You also did fall into the trap of telling what the character looks like. That tends to happen when you are talking in first person. Good Job.


It was on a dark evening of a Tuesday that I came across Wilhelm You don't have to add the Tuesday part. That information seems irrelevant at the moment.. I was walking in the streets of my little French village, thinking of all the destruction, all the horror caused by those fiends, the Nazis. My village was being destroyed along with the rest of France. I changed that because it makes a little bit more sense now. It didn't seem right how you were just breaking off into another topic. I understand what you meant but it just makes it cleaner this way. People were being killed by them, and for what? Their religion? I walked along, my gun in my arms, when a small, quiet plea for help pulled me out of my reverie. It was a man. A Nazi! One of those fiends I would have chosen a different word instead of fiends here because a lot of times the readers get annoyed by repeated adjectives.! I raised my gun to shoot him, to kill him... to... I don't like how you ended with the '.... to....'. You should have finished off the sentence with 'finish him off' or something like that. You could have added a tiny bit more of description in this paragraph and you did a lot of telling. You have to be careful. When you write you have to try to show more that tell. Also, the inhabitants of the French would have been shot if the Nazi sentries saw her with a rifle in her arms. they would have thought it a threat.


My memories of the next few hours are clouded and foggy. I know that I must have dropped my weapon and taken the wounded man to my apartment. I had saved his life. Part of me was disgusted with myself. These people were killing my friends! I couldn't do it, though. I couldn't kill someone and take away someone elses life, especially someone so weak. I have noticed with your writing now that you tend to stop then go a lot. For readers, they like it to flow off the tongue. You should make some of the sentences/phrases longer by adding 'and' or 'also' instead of using too many periods or commas. I like this paragraph though because you are effective with past tense and making the story seem like that person is reminiscing over past memories.


I had put him in my bed and patched up his wound. I kept him warm [color=red and a[/color]s he awakened, he talked to me. He asked me my name and thanked me so much for my kindness. With this paragraph you have to be careful again with stopping and going. try to be more fluent. I also personally would have added more detail into some spots. Try to use the four senses especially because you are talking in first person. What about her thoughts?


"What is your name?" He asked me after he had awakened. This confused me for a second. Because you stated it in the above paragraph. You do not have to have it in the paragraph above the dialogue because you will have similar confusion with other readers.

"Marie." I replied quietly.

"You saved my life, Marie. Thank you. Thank you so much." I can just imagine this. I like this dialogue at this moment.

"Don't. Don't do that! I'm disgusted with myself. You and your cronies are tearing France apart. I should have shot you!" I cried, my throat aching, stubborn tears streaming down my face. For this part, I do not think I would have made her cry so quickly. I would have made her try to fight back the tears because she would not want to cry in front one of her enemies. Its like the saying 'I will never cry, because crying shows weakness.'

'Please. Please don't feel that way. I was forced here, I have a Nazi uniform, but I'm not killing people. Really. That's why you found me on the street. A fellow soldier caught onto me.... I'm lucky to be alive... thanks, really, to you.' So does this mean this man is a reconnaissance fighter? Interesting plot line twist if he is.


He stayed with me for a while. He was weak and I couldn't throw him onto the street. He cooked for us us? Does that mean there is more than one person in the apartment? You might have wanted to state that somewhere because that confused me a little bit. sometimes, and helped to clean the apartment. I learned that he had lost his wife in the war That seemed to come out of nowhere.. I became so close to him in this next little while. He played piano, like me, and liked poetry and the theatre. We were so alike in so many ways. He was a gentleman and soon I knew that I was falling in love with him, without my consent, without me even knowing You just contradicted yourself here. How could she know she was falling in love with him without her even knowing?. Love does that to you sometimes. It creeps in, unknowingly, silently, and when it gets there, it refuses to leave. I like how you crept the love aspect into there. This could be testy depending on how long he stayed. Because if it wasn't long, then it is impossible for her to fall in love that quickly. With this paragraph you got into the stop and go like you did before. Also I figured out where you can state that he lost his wife in the war. I would place it after you stated that Marie became so close to the soldier in the next little while because it would be evidence in how she got close to him that he would reveal that information to her.


Although I loved Wilhelm, and I knew that he loved me, I also knew that it must be kept secret. If anyone found out, Wilhelm would be killed, and I would be hated by town, my family outcasted and why would Wilhelm be killed? Because that adds a whole new flavour to the rest of the story. A hushed love or else DEATH! BWAHAHAHAHAHA! I like when stories get into knots like those.. I couldn't do that, I couldn't risk the ones I loved most to be subject to being hurt. At night, when it was dark outside, we would go for walks together, gazing at the stars, talking about our dreams, and our lives. He told me about Germany, about his family. We were never caught at that time of night. Actually they would most likely be caught by Nazi sentries but lets just keep on going with the story. I noticed that in this paragraph you had a comma overload. Watch that. Also I found the first part of the paragraph to have barely anything to do with the second half until the end. You might want to fix that. I was also sad that my reconnaissance fighter idea was diminshed.


Well, that wasn't until tonight. Not until a soldier, a French soldier, a man that I knew well from my village, Franc (I removed the '. He') stumbled upon us as we walked, hand in hand, seemingly protected by the black night sky, home to the million twinkling silvery stars. You do not need to add the last part of the paragraph about the 'home to the million twinkling silvery stars'. That just adds useless information. Also, the French soldiers were forced to lay down arms and their placed were taken by Nazi's because France let the Nazis inhabit their country because they did not want destruction to take part in there country. There might be a french soldier in once of the villages near the french borders that refused to put down arms though.

"Marie.... a Nazi? You're with a Nazi?" Franc demanded.

"Franc... well.... I..."

"Marie, I am disgusted! These pigs killed your friend, Coralie! Have you forgotten her death?" Okay, that explains the hostility. But you should have stated that before now.[b]

At this point, Wilhelm stood in front of me, confrontational. [b]Oh! Big word! I like big words.

"Stop this! It's my fault! And its not like I enjoy what I am doing here!I'm disgusted with the destruction and massacre that is going on! Really!" I just added a couple things to give this a little bit of a suspenseful flair.

"Shut up, you! Marie! Either you kill this monster now or I kill you and him both! I detest traitors!" She technically isn't a traitor and if he knew her well, he would not kill her but he would feel wounded and want the other guy dead.

I mustered all the bravery, all the courage in me, and all the love I had for Wilhelm to say these next few words.

"I hate the horror done by the Nazis, but I won't stoop to the level of a murderer. I don't want to be on someones side! I want to be happy! To have a good life!"


I stared at him, my eyes burning with tears, my throat aching. I knew that I was facing death. I couldn't escape from this. No way. Franc pulled a sharp knife from his belt. 'You leave me no choice, Marie. It pains me to do this.' That is not really realistic. He would have just shot her in the head and be off.

As he plunged the knife into my flesh, I cried in pain, tears streaming down my face. Memories of my life and my memories of Wilhelm went surging through my head. Odd word choice there. 'Surging' just doesn't seem to fit.


As I fell to the cold, hard ground and I hear a struggle between Wilhelm and Franc. Wilhelm had manged to wrestle Franc's knife from him, but Franc ran away, escaping. Wilhelm bent down to me, and scooped me up from the ground. With the little consciousness I had left in me, I tell myself that I will fight for Wilhem... I will keep going for him. I will. Quickly, Wilhelm carried me away from the cold, dark night. I liked the last sentence. You were messing up the tenses with the last paragraph. You have to be careful. You added clearer description here than in most of the other paragraphs.

Well, that is all the nitpicking and random ideas that flew through my head as I read it. And now I will give you my overview.

OVERVIEW

Necessarily, this was a tragic piece with romance for a fallen soldier that is on the enemy side. It is a good idea and you did get it out there. I loved how you revert from present to past almost like flashbacks. You had some errors and one writing trait you need to work on is sentence fluency. You had a lot of stop and go action going on there. You had to many commas and to many sentences ending to fast. drag it out a bit.

The ending kind of confused me. Personally I would have tried to connect the ending with the beginning. At one point I thought the ending was leading up to the beginning where she was dying on the ground. If you were trying to do that, that would have been really effective but you wrote it out a bit wrong and made it seem like it was a connection of her flashback. There was some things that you phrased fairly cliche and over dramatic.

Otherwise, I liked this piece. It has great potential and I really indeed like it. Keep writing and you should be sure that I will keep reading.

~Incognito

This is a very interesting piece and it could lead to something but, it needs more detail and depth. Describe what the town looks like. What your characters look like. Also, I feel it could use more explanation in parts about why he was there. Give sort of there life history. Let the reader feel as if they really know who the character are. This piece has potential.