I'm here because this past year I've been doing an awful lot of Japanese history and decided instead of doing my work on that, I could pretend I was working by looking at your story. Twisted logic, for sure.
Could I possibly ask exactly what era this is? I'm assuming because you talk a lot about the changing times it's probably late Tokugawa or possibly early Meiji? Or am I completely wrong and it's earlier on?
As for the story itself:
My ego, a friend once told me, is what kept me going as a warrior. Maybe not as a samurai, but as a memorable survivor.
"memorable survivor" is an odd phrase to use, and it felt immediately out of place. I'm not quite sure what that is a reference to.
Though, to me, memories are flammable. I could toss them into my internal flame, and they would be gone forever. Or at least, that's what I wanted to believe.
I'm going to comment on your first-person style here. Typically, because this is historical, I'd expect a bit more formality. The tone of the narrator sounds too modern and casual. "Or at least" and "Though, to me" are odd constructions for the time period. It's not that I expect the narrator to think in 19th-century Japanese (if that's the right period) but I expect a more traditional narration. Things like "Or at least" just spring up as anachronisms.
Friends of my parents once said that I had inherited the element of fire from my mother. She, apparently, was as enduring and powerful as the flame before her impending death. For a long while, I was embarrassed by that fact- to think that a boy would inherit his mother's attributes instead of his father's. However, as I grew older, I understood that I never wanted to be like my father, in any way. I don't know what element he resembled, but in all honesty, I didn't care.
Very passive, very slow beginning. There's little to grab me in the opening paragraphs. Little that springs up and says: read on, this is going to be exciting. You start with a lot of exposition and it doesn't change. In many ways it's better to describe a character's personality through actions rather than telling the reader straight away what he's like, what he does, all this fire business. I think you could show this a lot better through your storytelling than just stating up front within the first few paragraphs. It's unfortunately boring.
However, as I grew older, I understood that I never wanted to be like my father, in any way. I don't know what element he resembled, but in all honesty, I didn't care.
Very casual tone again for a historical story.
Tears were welling up in my eyes. I couldn't stand the humility that Ohagi had to endure. I took his pain as if it were my own. With kiai, a battle cry, I charged at my father. I didn't care if he were going to kill me. All of a sudden, it didn't matter anymore. He could do his worst, and as long as I protected Ohagi's honor, that's all that would matter to me.
Isn't it a terrible thing to oppose one's father in Japan? This seems to be a very crazy thing to do in regards to Japanese social expectations.
You've intrigued me, but mostly because, as I said, I'm reading a lot of Japanese at the moment. I understand from your comments that this is an old man narrating his life, but I think you could have definitely made it more exciting, more active, and more interesting. The style of your writing makes many of the descriptions quite plain, and it lacks a zing that can make or break a story.
An idea that I have to improve the beginning is instead of starting with a slow narration, why not jump straight into the fight? If you throw your character right in the middle of that action, of him being shamed by being beaten, of his ego being hurt, we can understand the character's feelings straight away. If you then cut to the scene with Ohagi, and then the narrator's father, there's a good string of events there that could make this chapter more exciting -- make it more active.
Good luck!
heh....
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