Young Writers Society

This is a short story a have written based in a ww1 inside a small Sopwith pup biplane. Any feedback would be appreciated. enjoy!

Falling in Flames

Short story by
Lewis Beach

As our four Sopwith squadron flew over the French countryside we noticed the large grey balloons rising slowly from behind the forest. I searched the sky for my Squadron Commander’s aircraft. I noticed the bright red straps flaying from the struts of a Sopwith Pup. I remembered the habit of the Squadron Commanders to attach two small straps on the struts of there aircraft, this little novelty was practical but deadly.

We all awaited the Squadron commanders instructions, constantly we looked back and forth waiting for him to signal the attack. I lined up the first observation balloon in my sights, and in turn they lined us in theirs. Flack explosions began to burst around us, shoving our little aeroplanes around the sky. The commander pointed towards the sun and then opened his throttle and pulled the little pup high into the clouds, we all followed.

After we rose to an altitude that the flack couldn’t reach we levelled off and regrouped. The weather took the side of old Blighty that day as the conditions were perfect for our assault. We had low level could so we cloud hide from the flack. We looked towards our commander for instruction on how to proceed. I noticed he was looking up to the sun, I knew what he was planning and sure enough he singled fort us to use the classic “out of the sun” attack. We all rose towards the sun and the angled our planes towards the balloons and dived towards them. The emerged from beneath the clouds and opened fire at the balloons.

I lined my sight on the first balloon and began to shoot my incendiary bullets towards its vulnerable skin. My bullets tore white hot holes into the skin that then ignited causing a fantastic explosion. The observer began to struggle out of his tiny basket but it was too late, the balloon was on top of him with in seconded and slammed down to earth with a crushing weight. The joy and satisfaction of taking down a threat filled my heart with glee but it soon faded, suddenly the remorse and guilt set in. These emotions always inflamed inside me filling every area until they blocked out my surroundings.
What had I done I’ve taken another humans life, and in such a brutal way. Some who by a twist of feat could have easily had been my brother, the father of children, the husband to a wife, the son of a mother. Time seemed to stop every time I felt this horrible, gruesome guilt.

Suddenly, BANG! A huge tear on the side of my plane ripped its way right down to the tail. The wooden structure that held the flimsy aircraft together was visible and now open to the elements. I had not seen how it had happened but I knew I needed to bring her down. He pushed the control stick forward and with a huge pull and whoosh of cold air the plane fell towards the ground. Surprisingly apart from the outer damage, no defects had occurred within the aircrafts operations and I had full control of her all the way.

I spotted the perfect felid to land in, but surrounding it were thick trees, I knew it would not be easy to miss them with my loss of flue but luckily due to the nature of the damage a still had control, I gently clipped the highest wings of the trees and slowly and carefully I brought the Pup to the ground, as my wheels hit the rough terrain I was thrown back and forth in my claustrophobic cockpit, but I was determined to land safely.

At full pelt I was hurtling towards the end of the filed, I could do nothing so I just held on tight and hoped for the best. The trees drew closer and closer but I began to slow down, each bump became softer and each bounce became lower. Slowly a came to stop, with just six meters to spear before I hit the trees, I knew I was safe, for the moment.

Hey, chaplin!

Good job on following the reviews-to-stories ratio. ^_~ Welcome to YWS! If you ever have any questions about the site or life in general, don't hesitate to PM me.

Yay! World War 1 story! The idea of following the life of a fighter pilot was an interesting one, and one that I don't see very often. It's quite an intense situation, and really fun to read about--have you read Catch 22? It's WW2, but still exciting, not to mention hysterical.

The one area I really wanted to see you expand in was the physical symptoms of fear and stress. This guy is fighting for his life, and we don't hear anything about sweat, racing heartbeat, dizziness, pounding in his ears--all that good stuff that goes along with bodies under stress. Having those people-type details will make the experience more realistic to the reader, and easier for them to experience flying in a fighter as well.

Also, for the next piece you start--try playing with rising and falling action. You want a beginning, some plot, and a resolution. This story didn't really have a plot; it was more like a slice out of time. It's still a good piece, but it's something I want to see you experiment with. ^_~

Thanks for the read, chaplin! Poke me if you have any questions.

Falling in Flames
Short story by
Lewis Beach
As our four Sopwith squadron flew over the French countryside [Comma here.] we noticed the large grey balloons rising slowly from behind the forest. I searched the sky for my [s]Squadron[/s] Commander’s aircraft. I noticed the bright red straps flaying from the struts of a Sopwith Pup. [s]I remembered the habit of the[/s] The Squadron Commanders have a habit of[s] to[/s] attach[clor=red]ing[/color] two small straps on the struts of [s]there[/s] their aircraft, [A semi colon would be better than a comma here.] this little novelty was practical but deadly.
We all awaited the Squadron commanders [Apostrophe after the s.] instructions, [s]constantly we looked[/s] looking back and forth [Comma here.] waiting for him to signal the attack. I lined up the first observation balloon in my sights, and in turn they lined us in theirs. Flack explosions began to burst around us, shoving our little aeroplanes around the sky. The commander pointed towards the sun and then opened his throttle and pulled the little pup high into the clouds, [I'd suggest a full stop here.] we all followed.
After we rose to an altitude that the flack couldn’t reach [Comma here.] we levelled off and regrouped. The weather took the side of old Blighty that day; [s]as[/s] the conditions [s]were[/s] perfect for our assault. We had low level [s]could[/s] cloud so we [s]cloud[/s] could hide from the flack. We looked towards our commander for instruction on how to proceed. I noticed he was looking up to the sun, I knew what he was planning and [Comma here.] sure enough [Comma here.] he singled [s]fort[/s] for us to use the classic “out of the sun” attack. We all rose towards the sun and then angled our planes towards the balloons and dived towards them. [s]The[/s] We emerged from beneath the clouds and opened fire at the balloons.
I lined my sight on the first balloon and began to shoot my incendiary bullets towards its vulnerable skin. My bullets tore white hot holes into the skin [A little repetitive so maybe use fabric?] that then ignited [Comma here.] causing a fantastic explosion. The observer began to struggle out of his tiny basket but it was too late, the balloon was on top of him [s]with in seconded[/s] within seconds and slammed down to earth with a crushing weight. The joy and satisfaction of taking down a threat filled my heart with glee but it soon faded, suddenly the remorse and guilt set in. These emotions always inflamed inside me [Comma ere.] filling every area until they blocked out my surroundings.
What had I done [Question mark here.] [s]I’ve[/s] I'd taken another humans [Apostrophe before the s.] life, and in such a brutal way. Someone who by a twist of [s]feat[/s] fate could have easily had been my brother, the father of children, the husband to a wife, the son of a mother. Time seemed to stop every time I felt this horrible, gruesome guilt.
Suddenly, BANG! [Don't use full caps. Write it in small letters and in italics.] A huge tear on the side of my plane ripped its way right down to the tail. The wooden structure that held the flimsy aircraft together was visible and now open to the elements. I had not seen how it had happened but I knew I needed to bring her down. He [Should this be I?] pushed the control stick forward and with a huge pull and whoosh of cold air [Comma here.] the plane fell towards the ground. Surprisingly apart from the outer damage, no defects had occurred within the aircrafts [Apostrophe before the s.] operations and I had full control of her all the way.
I spotted the perfect [s]felid[/s] field to land in, but surrounding it were thick trees, [I'd suggest a full stop here.] I knew it would not be easy to miss them with my loss of flue but luckily due to the nature of the damage [s]a[/s] I still had control, [Full stop here.] I gently clipped the highest wings of the trees and slowly and carefully I brought the Pup to the ground, [Semi colon here.] [s]as[/s] my wheels hit the rough terrain and I was thrown back and forth in my claustrophobic cockpit, but I was determined to land safely.
At full pelt I was hurtling towards the end of the [s]filed[/s] field, [Full stop.] I could do nothing so I just held on tight and hoped for the best. The trees drew closer and closer but I began to slow down, each bump became softer and each bounce became lower. Slowly [s]a[/s] I came to stop, with just six meters to [s]spear[/s] spare before I hit the trees, [Full stop.] I knew I was safe, for the moment.

Overall comments: The storyline was interesting and the choice of perspective good but you really should have checked through for grammar and spelling mistakes! Also, your characterization and description could be improved.

At the moment, all we know about your character is that he's a brave man who stays calm under pressure and that he feels bad about killing people but you need to expand on that. We can't feel for a character who we don't relate to. At no point in your story did I worry or fear for the persona. When his plane is hit, show us the shock and fear, show his momentary indecision before he recovers and calms himself. Show his hands shaking as he flies the plane, show his guilt at being caught off guard. Maybe show us a couple of his thoughts through italics.

Now a brief comment about description. You need to include more than one sense. The four senses are as follows, try to incorporate them into your work:

Sight: What can your narrator see? This one you covered quite well but describe detail. Describe what these planes look like, describe the glare of the sun as they're flying up and the fire and smoke of the explosions.

Sound: What can they hear? Are the planes noisy or loud? Are the commanders passing instructions through radios built into the plane, or through headsets? How loud are the explosions? The engines?

Smell: Is there the smell of burning? Can he smell the engine fuel and his own sweat in the warm, stuffy plane?

Touch: Are the controls starting to feel hot beneath his fingers, slick with sweat. Are his feet beginning to feel numb and cramped, do his hands hurt from holding the controls so long? Is his throat dry, his heart thudding in his chest? Is his uniform itchy?

Taste: This is the hardest to include but remember you can be metaphorical: is there the taste of tension in the air? Can he taste that sort of metallic tinge on his tongue, is he gagging over the smell of fuel?

Hope this helps a little,

Heather xx

I liked it a lot, there were a few things I would've changed but other than that I think it's great. You had a good amount of detail, but not too much.

Hello! Stella here! I was looking for WWI stories considering I have a history exam in a few days about the First World War, so I thought that if I'm going to procrastinate I should procrastinate productively.

So...

I. NITPICKS

this little novelty was practical but deadly.

Pourquoi est-ce qu'il deadly? Why is it deadly?

We had low level could so we cloud hide from the flack.

Heehee. Cloud and could are playing a prank on you .

the balloon was on top of him with in seconded

second.

What had I done I’ve taken another humans life

What had I done? I'd taken another human's life

Some who by a twist of feat could have easily had been my brother, the father of children, the husband to a wife, the son of a mother. Time seemed to stop every time I felt this horrible, gruesome guilt.

He pushed the control stick forward

Uh... he?

I spotted the perfect felid to land in

field

damage a still had control,

He might be Carribean (or from Yorkshire), but even still, "I" is always better than "a."

At full pelt I was hurtling towards the end of the filed,

field.

spear before I hit the trees,

spare.

Okay...

II. DO YOU READ COMMANDO COMICS?

I'm afraid to say I don't, but even still, this whole thing reads a bit like one. All action, really. That's your story. Action, action, action. Killing those mean Germans only to realise they're the same as you, yet you'll do it again next time. I'm not a great fan of action. But also, your style. "Our squadron hovered waiting for the signal to attack." It's so... a la Commando.

III. EMOTIONAL

Relate things to the human being whose perspective you are writing from. Is he afraid for his friends? Afraid for himself? Emotions always affect us, yet I could only see two paragraphs where they affected him.

Characters are one of the things readers cherish most, so pay your dude some more attention.

IV. SLAP BANG OR SLAAAP! BAAANG!

Yeah I still am on my comic tangent. Your voice is quite dull. It's a bit and then and then and then. Spruce it up! Make it exciting! Grab our attention and don't let it go! Make your descriptions longer, draw out each moment. You'd be surprised, once you get started it's hard to stop.

V. OVERALL

Not my cup of tea, but that isn't to say it didn't have potential. It needs a bit of work of taking the reader in.

Hope I've helped, and PM me if you have any questions!

-Stella.

hey there! i really like the way you write!...WW1 and WW2 stories are the best ever!
i hope you continue to write more of them!!!!!!
sorry i will come back and write a more detailed proper review but i need to study!
anyway thank you for entertaining me during my study hour!
good luck with the writing!

Hey I liked the subject overall. I think your story has good images and sequence of events but you could stand to expand on the imagery and maybe a little bit of what is going on in your character's mind.
Keep it up.

mmmmm interesting story i thought no one ever did ww1 stories until i saw this. It had a very interesting story line and a very brave character (more brave then i would ever be in that situation) and as other people have said you could of described more about what he was thinking it that situation. Still i hope you write another one of these they I always like a good ww1 story.