Young Writers Society

Oooo, Captain James Bentley is one of the suitors, isn't he? I just know it! Gosh, I really am liking this story!

“Thank You.” Miss Sophia said to the man helping her out.

Comma instead of a period after "you"

The thirteen years old boys, Thomas and Frederick almost toppled Sophia over when they gave her a hug.

No "s" needed at the end of "years"

“Oh my. Well then Sophia, I will help you find who they are.”

Comma after "then"

“Yes Miss.” Sophia got out of bed while Lina walked in.

Comma after "Yes"

“What are you planning to wear Helena?” Sophia asked.

Comma after "wear"

I only have one thing to comment on. Just be careful that you don't get too much into the story that you forget to SHOW it. Sometimes I felt that you were just telling. Remember to slip details in every once and awhile that aren't always about what things look like. Try to slip in some that are the girls' thoughts on the matter and such.

Other than that, keep it up and I look forward for the next installment!

Ashley-
I actually wrote this yesterday, so it might be choppy. And yes, I noticed that I was telling things not showing them. So I'm gonna fix the chapters right now.
Anyway thanks.
-Merry

ohhh.

i have a feeling that James is one of those Suitors chosen for Sophia.

grrh, i have to read the others to found out. :grumbles: it's a good thing that you have the another parts up or i would straggle you. but i guess you would probably straggle me for not update as fast. would you?

i am off to read the others part and the other chapter.

good luck with your writing.

Uhm, this James guy, what does he look like? SHOW ME not tell me, haha. It's okay I tend to do that too and get fustrated as I do.
If that made any sence.
Well! This is going well. I love it.
I don't really have any further comments until I finish reading it.
Which, I'm glad you have a lot of chapters up or I would have to wait.
I'm not a very patient person, haha.
Off I go!

jasmine12-
Okay, thanks for the James' thing. I had no idea I was telling and not showing. I'll definitely change that, when I get the chance.
Don't worry, I actually have the whole outline out. But I'm not going to tell you.
So thanks again!
-Merry

Ooh, this story is getting better & better & more addictive .. I'm really enjoying this story!! I love the way you're always letting us know what Sophia's thinking & can I just ask one question? How old is Sophia? I'm curious d: & is James one of her suitors?? I guess I'l have to read on to find out ...
Lucyy xx