Young Writers Society

This was good, Merry, as usual I do think you could have gone a little slower with the shopping part. It didn’t take them to find their dresses and isn’t Bath a very large place? Just a thought, I guess. You don’t have to change if you don’t want to.

Uncle John peaked over the newspaper he was reading at looked at his wife.

I would change “at” to “to”

“Boys,” They mouthed.

Small “t”

“Oh, yes. I forgot.” With the dark red and bright yellow gloves and bonnets with colorful ribbons, the two girls looked very fashionable.

How are they very fashionable?? This is a perfect opportunity to go into more detail about the dresses and the girls. Describe their hair, make-up, maids, ect!

“Oww.” She cried out, but not so loud for people to stare.

Comma instead of a period after “Oww”
Small “s” on “she

Sophia, who was hit by the reality of her cousin waving at her, left with Helena back to their home. Tonight, shall be the most perfect night. Especially dancing with the lord. Sophia blushed while she thought this yet walked swiftly home thinking only of Lord Issac McCord and his fine looks.

His fine looks? Hmm…what fine looks? I would have loved to hear more about this handsome Lord!

Other than that, you have a wonderful story going, Merry. Can’t wait to read more!

Is this handsome lord one of her suitors?

! guess I will have to read the whole story to found out, won't I?

I am really liking your story.

I do agree with Ashely that you could slowly down the shopping segment down a bit. And go into details a lit bit about the dress. Do they have frills? And was it drape? etc.

I am off to read the last part.

I hope you put up another part soon.

Wow, uhm....can't say much about this one.
Only that, Helena and Sophia say each others names a lot. Like ever sentence they say it. I haven't done any research about dialog in this time but I'm not sure if they say the names a lot.
How come Helena introduced Sophia and Sophia Helena? That seemed odd.
Well off I go!

Ignore my comments if you must. haha.

jasmine12-
I've read books with the characters saying their names, in each sentence. But those were the classics.
No, I'm not going to ignore your comments. Your comments help me, of course.
Off I go...
-Merry