Young Writers Society

Claire groaned as she slowly awoke from her unpleasant slumber. She felt a harsh throbbing in her back from sleeping on the ground in a cold, makeshift hut. Her dress had tears and was in dire need of repairing. She crawled out into the faint sunlight. It had been a week since they first arrived on this god-forsaken land. There was no sign of any natives, or their supply boat. Men were hustling about, making huts, gathering the last of the fresh water and food, and a young lad was cleaning a rabbit not to far off. The stench from the blood and guts of the skinned rabbit was overpowering.

"G'd day me lady!" The boy called. Claire had not the slightest idea whether to greet him, or send him to a different place to gut the unlucky rabbit.

"Hello." Claire called back. She edged her way across the camp. She reached the wood line and hurried off into the woods. The colors of spring surrounded her, the tender green buds growing here and there. The chickadees calling to each other. She sighed, this was not her home. She could not get used to being surrounded by trees. Her whole life she had gone with the gentle whispers of the wind. Claire shook her head angrily. "No, no more of that silly nonsense. Home is long gone. THIS is where you will live now." She scowled to herself.

Claire looked down at her bare feet. Her shoes were utterly unwearable, destroyed by the lands rough terrain. She had tossed them into the fire four days ago. Her feet were dirty and sore. She started to wander around in search of a place to wash off. Claire climbed a large hill to get a better view of the layout of the land. She aimlessly swiveled around thorn bushes and other prickly plants. Her dress caught on a thorny stem and she was tugged back. Claire pulled on her dress. "Come....on!" She groaned through gritted teeth. Suddenly the branch snapped and she was sent tumbling down the hill. She roughly hit a tree on the way down. She sat with her back on the tree's trunk and buried her face into her hands. She wept and wallowed in her own misery. She wanted to go home, and get out of this horrid place.

A sudden call from a bird made Claire jump. A few feet up a bush started to rattle. Claire gasped as a young woman, around Claire's age, slid out of the sedge bush. She was dressed in some kind of animal skin, and adorned with yellow and red beads. She was blessed with uncanny beauty. Her face was a tan color, and perfectly shaped. Her eyes were a deep brown and her hair was black, long and braided. She wore no shoes that Claire had seen before, and there were markings on her left arm.

The girl must be a native!, Claire thought. The girl edged towards Claire with a puzzled look. She moved only inches away from Claire's face. Claire turned her head as the native touched her face softly. Then she backed away.

"Washon Venoli." The girl said softly. Claire tilted her head in confusion. The girl came closer again. She put her hands into fists and placed them on her chest. "Waassshhhoonnnn Vvveeennoollliii." The girl said, rolling the words on her tongue so that they came out slowly.

"You're telling me you're name!" Claire realized. "Um, washon Claire." The native's eyes brightened. She now wore a smile of perfection. Venoli stepped away and made a shrill bird call from her throat. "So that was you!" Claire laughed.

Hey Kakali. As always, I'll start with the nitpicking. Just one question: What time period is this supposed to be in? It's a bit ambiguous.

Her dress had tears

Maybe you could put it as 'Her dress was torn' since 'had tears' made me think the dress was crying. Or maybe that's just me.

not to far off.

That should be too

"G'd day me lady!" The boy called.

You should decapitalize 'the'. If you have some dialogue, then it would go something like this:

"Hi," Mark said.

"Hello," the boy replied.

"What's your name?" Mark asked.

And it goes on. Basically, if it's a sentence, put a comma in place of a period if you're adding something like 'he said' or 'she cried'. Also, the word following the dialogue shouldn't be capitalized, unless you're doing something like: "Don't touch me!" The girl quickly withdrew her hand... And etcetera.

around Claire's age

Maybe you should replace Claire with her. You just mentioned Claire previously, and the repetition is a bit dull.

smile of perfection.

Um.. I'm not exactly sure what you mean by this. Maybe contented smile would be better, since smile of perfection doesn't really tell us anything.

Well, I think this was a bit dull, to be honest. Your sentences are brief, and they all begin with pronouns. Try to include some complex sentences, sentences with two or more clauses. You'll be putting more detail in each sentence, and adding more variety. I apologize, but I'm not really impressed by this chapter.

Hi Kakali, first off thanks for PM'ing me! I was totally excited to read your first chapter!

Ok, so lets get down to it.

and a young lad

In thinking about Claire I am not sure I would envision her saying "lad", this seems like a small point but I think it is important. You really need to get into the mind of Claire and write from that perspective. Because this is historical fiction you will see a difference in the way Claire sounds when she is thinking and when she is speaking.

Claire climbed a large hill to get a better view of the layout of the land. She aimlessly swiveled around thorn bushes and other prickly plants. Her dress caught on a thorny stem and she was tugged back. Claire pulled on her dress. "Come....on!" She groaned through gritted teeth. Suddenly the branch snapped and she was sent tumbling down the hill.

Loved this section. For some reason I love seeing Claire's frustration with her current situation show its self in such a real way. Keep that up!

So, the other thing I wanted to talk about was the fact that you brought in the meeting of a Native so soon. This is the first chapter and we have barley begun to feel Claire's unhappiness. Why not hold off on the meeting? You introduced the character of a young boy early, why not spend some time on him?? He could make an interesting character especially if he is a bit younger than Claire and obviously in a lower social position.

I do like the meeting between Claire and Venoli but I think you should hold off on it until at least chapter two, or even three!! Remember, you have a whole Novel to write!!

Also, this chapter needs to be longer, which I think you already know!

Overall, great start! You mentioned you were already planning on re-writing this so I am very interested in seeing your second version!

Let me know if you have questions, and don't forget to PM me when you have revised!

Happy Writing!

This story seems like it has potentiol, but don't forget to keep it as far away from cliche material as possible. Description needs a little work. See if you can open our eyes to the scene a little more clearly. The readers need to see the trees, hold their breaths when she tumbles, and feel the true frustration and pain of having little.

I re-wrote chapter one, so if you would......?