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The Boy with the Buttons



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Tue Feb 17, 2009 3:58 am
mikepyro says...



(this piece was recently plagerized by CastlesInTheSky, a writer removed for several counts of plagerism filed against her. I have won story of the week on ABCtales well before she posted, along with a post on writerscafe.org. My name is Michael Carr, I'm 18 and I am the real author of this work)

My father is a large man. Larger than a normal man. He's very important. People say so, but they don't need to. I can tell he's important. He knows so. He wears a uniform. A fancy uniform with big, brass buttons and a silver belt. The news says silver is hard to find. It also says soap and buttons are hard to find. But we have plenty of that here. Plenty of soap and buttons. The buttons barely shine and the soap has an odd smell, but I'm clean. The people in the striped clothes aren't though.

My family lives in a small house. Not too small, but not very big. It's always cold here though. Father says we are not to use the fireplace often. We used to, but the trees have all been cut down. They're all dead. Just open fields. Mother can still use the stove though, but not for much. We eat from cans, unless father comes back from hunting with food. But that doesn't happen very often. It snows a lot here. I miss Germany. I don't have friends here. The sons of Father's friends are all grown or gone.

***

I woke one night and it was snowing outside. Far across the field there's a small, black building. I'd never noticed it before. It lay beyond the fences. The fences are sharp, made of wire and metal. Through the window of the building I could see an orange glow. Orange and bright. Like fire. Outside there stood a small line of people wearing striped clothes. Like a clown's clothes but black and white. Sad colors. They marched slowly into the building, led by a man wearing the uniform of my father. A shadow passed over the glow. Soft music, a single violin, pierced through the night, loud and shrill, the same three notes. A song with no meaning, no emotion. The man in the uniform shut the door. Soft sounds rang out into the air. The music couldn't cover them. Six soft pops, like the sound my cap guns made. The shadow moved and the glow returned. The music died mid tempo. Black smoke billowed out from the chimney. The door swung out and my father exited the building with three other men. They spoke a few words and parted. My father approached our house. He wore his gloves that night. There was something on them. Something red. Dark red, almost black. He glanced up into my bedroom window as he passed. I scrambled into bed, pulling the sheets up to my chest.

Outside I could hear my father walk, his heavy boots beating against the wooden floorboards. Beating in quiet rhythm, like a tribal drum. I opened one eye and glanced across the room. Through the crack below the door I could see the light from the hallway. My father's footsteps stopped. His shadow blocked the light of the hallway. He stood there for a long time. I shut my eyes. I may have fallen asleep. When I opened them again, he was gone.

***

My father has a gun. A Luger, he calls it. It's very beautiful. Silver and black. He's a policeman, he says, and a guard. He carries the gun in a brown holster he clips to his belt. It's always loaded, he tells me, ready to fire. It's a beautiful weapon. From afar it sounds a little like a cap gun.

***

I was walking in the snow one day, bundled up in two coats. Mother insisted I wear them both. I passed through the empty field and headed towards the camp. The silver fence shined under the sunlight that made its way past the clouds. The black building stood beside the northern fence. Smoke spilled from the chimney, not as strong, never as strong as when night fell. The smoke, the fires, never stopped. At the corner of the gate a boy around my age sat huddled in the snow, hugging himself. His striped clothes looked too big to fit him. He glanced up as I approached, just for a few seconds, then he looked away. I sat across from him, my hands resting on the fence. I spoke first.

"I'm Severin."

He didn't lift his head as he spoke.

"Olaf."

He shivered in the cold. I removed my first jacket.

"Are you cold?"
"Yes."
"You can have my coat."
"Ok."

I tried to toss the coat over the fence. It was so high up. It bounced off and drifted back to the earth. On the third try it landed atop the barbwire and stuck there, halfway free, halfway trapped.

"I'm sorry," I said.
"It's ok."

He wore a yellow star on his sleeve. A set of numbers were imprinted in his skin, like cattle. Branded. I stared at the star.

"You're a Jew."
"Yes."
"My father says you're evil."
"Mine says the same about yours."

He clutches something tight in his hands. I recognize the dull shine. A button.

"Where did you get our button?"
"It was my brother."
"Your brother is a button?"
"Now he is. Buttons and soap."

I shook my head. He wasn't making sense. I watched the smoke rise from the chimney of the building behind him.

"What do they burn in the fires?"

He didn't speak. His arms shook.

"Where is your father?"
"They took him. They took him today."
"What-" I began, then the music started to play.

The haunting tune, those same three notes, rang through the cold air. Olaf covered his ears, still clasping the button tightly between his fingers. Far across the camp, men in striped clothing emerged, ten in all, from different bunkers, marching slowly and deliberately, staring off into the distance. They stopped in the middle of the square, before a large statue of our leader. They stood side by side, as though they'd rehearsed it many times before.

From a chain gate five men in uniforms like Father's approached, holding rifles at their sides. They halted before the men, about twenty feet away, lining up in a row.

The ten men watched the guards. Some with wide eyes that darted back and forth, their bodies shaking. Six were Jews, their yellow stars standing out clearly amongst the white snow and striped clothing. The man I watched, a Jew around Father's age, stood still, his eyes shut. A small smile, peaceful and serene, crept across his lips. The men in uniform shot him through the head. The ten men fell beneath the fire. When the gunfire fell silent, they lay in the snow stained red with their blood, their yellow stars bright, their dead eyes turned up towards the sky.

The violin continued to play.

A single man lay moving, clutching his throat where the bullet had pierced it. A guard slowly crossed to where the man lay, carefully stepping around the bodies. He drew his Luger from its holster and casually wiped the barrel with his sleeve. Then he shot the man twice through the chest. The man's breaths stopped and his hands fell.

Olaf was screaming, beating his hands against his head. I stood still and watched them die. Watched the uniformed men drag them into the building. The smell of death rose with the smoke. A hand fell upon my shoulder. I turned. My father stood before me. I broke from his grasp and sprinted through the snow. I could hear him calling my name. He didn't follow. I ran until the cold air choked me. The small camp was far off in the distance, a pin point with smoke drifting from it and into the sky.

I sat in the freezing snow, my head bowed, struggling to breath. A soft shadow stretched across the ground. I glanced ahead. A single tree arose from the snow covered earth. Bare of all leaves and thin, the tree rocked with the wind. It was beautiful. The only tree neither burned nor cut, a weakling shivering in the cold. Alone. Alone in the world but possessing an unknown strength to survive. I crawled to the tree and huddled beneath it, my back against its thin trunk. I buried my face in my hands and began to cry.

***

Mother wants me to wash. They force me to now. Wash with soap. I can't stand it. I walk the path near the fence every afternoon, hoping to find the boy. But there's never a sign of him. He's gone. My jacket vanished as well. I hope he took it. I hope he's warm and safe. But I'm scared. The smoke still rises from the chimney every night, with the smell of death among it. The fires have to die eventually. How much must we burn? I tell myself it can't last forever, but everyday more shipments of buttons and soap are shipped out. So many buttons. Do we really need that many?
  





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Tue Feb 17, 2009 8:42 pm
West says...



Ello :)

First things first: You've posted two pieces of work, but no reviews. That means you owe four. You should put the plagiarism note at the bottom too, those little chunks of writing at the top are slightly off-putting.

Punctuation helps to speed up or slow down the writing, but if you put too many commas or full stops it gets annoying, and your reader will start skimming them, which destroys the whole point of punctuation.

"The haunting tune, those same three notes, rang through the cold air." Even though clauses are part of a bigger sentence they still need to make sense on their own, so "rang through the cold air" doesn't really work.

"It was so high up. It bounced off and drifted back to the earth." Try not to use the same word to begin more than one sentence in a paragraph, or to begin consecutive paragraphs. It's best to try to avoid using the same adjectives or nouns more than once in the same paragraph too, you need variance.

These are just a few examples. It's best if you rewrite this but work out the issue of the sentence structures. Overall I like the idea behind it.

If you do rewrite it, let me know :) I think it's a promising piece.
  





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Tue Feb 17, 2009 11:00 pm
mikepyro says...



I apreciate ur thoughts, I'v ereviewed three works so far, not sure why they didn't show up.
also, a clause does not need to stand on its own if its a dependent clause. The haunting melody....rang through the cold air. it fits fine.

again thank you for your review, I can't tell if you enjoyed the work though, but I will edit the piece as time goes on. once again, thanks for the help.
  





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Tue Feb 17, 2009 11:08 pm
Evi says...



Your reviews haven't counted probably because they aren't long enough. If you look at some other reviewers, especially the ones in purple, you can see that critiques need to be more than 'Oh this was very nice write more!'

PM me if you need some help getting around, and I'll critique this for you once you get some reviews that count. And try to use proper grammar, such as capitalization and punctuation and proper spelling even when you're not posting a story, such in the above post. Kay? ;)

~Evi
Last edited by Evi on Wed Feb 18, 2009 11:44 pm, edited 3 times in total.
"Let's eat, Grandma!" as opposed to "Let's eat Grandma!": punctuation saves lives.
  





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Wed Feb 18, 2009 1:05 am
mikepyro says...



This isn't my first time writing on a site. I'm a member of ABCtales and Writerscafe. I understand how it works. Last time I checked, perfect grammar isn't necessary for a forum post, but thanks for the advice. I'm going to review and post as I choose. I'm very busy in my senior year of highschool so I usually don't have time to write out a page long review. And since my the two reviews I posted last were longer than this reply, I figured they'd count. I'll be more in depth. I'm not trying to be mean, it's just a bit frustrating because I don't have as much time to sit down and write everything out. Then again, I find many of the pieces I've read here to be of good quality and I tend to focus more on the ideas of the story rather than trying to perfect a structure. If a writer is willing they will edit as such.

I appreciate all your advice. Not sure why you post to tell me you won't even read my work until I've had a few more reviews. Especially since I'm a new member to the site.

But again, I appreciate the thoughts of all writers and you seem like a kind individual.

god bless.
Mike.
  





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Wed Feb 18, 2009 2:13 am
Jiggity says...



Hey there,

My father has a gun. A Luger, he calls it. It's very beautiful. Silver and black. He's a policeman, he says, and a guard. He carries the gun in a brown holster he clips to his belt. It's always loaded, he tells me, ready to fire. It's a beautiful weapon. From afar it sounds a little like a cap gun.


Unnecessary repetition [bolded]

The silver fence shined under the sunlight


shone

*

I didn't understand the relevance of the violin. I'm not sure if that's historically accurate? It doesn't need to be but unless it is, I'd say get rid of it. It feels tawdry and obviously melodramatic, ruining the great effect of understatement you've managed throughout. I thought this was a really solid story, very well written and executed. The simple sentence structure lost impact after a while though - too many short, sharp sentences make it hard to really connect and engage with the character (personally). I suggest spicing this up with more variety, some longer sentences to contrast the shorter ones with. It was well done, don't get me wrong, but I became a little tired of that structure by the end, is all.

Nice work.

*

As regards proper grammar and punctuation, we do like to try and ensure everyone maintains a certain standard, even in forum posts. Sorry, if its different elsewhere, but that's the way we roll. Furthermore, I think it safe to say that everyone who puts hard work into their reviews and into their activity here on YWS, is busy with some form of school, work, university, etc. It's a bit arrogant to assume otherwise. We try and make sure that everyone who joins becomes an active member who reciprocates with feedback, general advice and good cheer so yes, some people might be a bit leery of reviewing your work if its not obvious that you are actively participating in improving other people's works.

Don't take it the wrong way, it's all meant well and if you don't have time to write out a thorough response in the one sitting, that's fine. Of course we're not going to force you to write long, thoughtful reviews and if you can get the nuts and bolts done quickly, then that's fine - so long as you do help out others though. Remember, the more you put it, the more you'll get back.

Cheers and well done with this story.
Jigs
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko
  





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Wed Feb 18, 2009 4:59 am
mikepyro says...



thanks for the shone comment. I didn't catch that.
Well, most of the people up to 17 don't have school that really constricts them, but I understand. I will be reviewing much more in depth soon, right now I'm just in the middle of college applications.

I'm pretty sure they had violins in the 1940's. :)
I'll try and clear it up so it flows better, that part.

the story's written from a childs standpoint, hence the short sentences, I chose not to spice it up and keep it the way children speak.

I appreciate all the comments man, they're a big help.
glad you liked the story. I'll be reviewing more in the future. :)

god bless.
mike
  





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Wed Feb 18, 2009 4:21 pm
Jiggity says...



Ah, what I was wondering in regards to the violin is, were they used in gulags or concentration camps? Is that something I'm unaware of, but actually did happen? Historically speaking, I was referring to the incongruous placement of the violin, not its existence. I understood the reasoning behind the use of the short sentences and primarily I think at least in dialogue, that's okay but an entire piece composed of it by itself is a bit much and don't forget there are other ways to demonstrate childish mentality like run-on sentences that keep going and isn't that bird pretty?

See?

Style, as well as sentence structure, can be quite effective as a means of characterisation.

Cheers
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko
  





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Wed Feb 18, 2009 11:59 pm
mikepyro says...



I understand jiggity. I'll see what works, straighten up the structure and maybe repost after a while.

And yes, it actually was historically acurate, both in concentration camps and war camps in the mexican-american war, when prisoners were torutured or killed the guards often played music to cover up the sounds. The film The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly has a good example of what I mean.
  





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Thu Feb 19, 2009 6:49 pm
StellaThomas says...



Hey Mike! Welcome to YWS - I don't know if you plan on sticking around or not, but... yeah. Call me Stella (or any variation thereof) and I shall be your critiquer today...

I don't think I read this piece when it was first put up. Sorry about that... Sarah seemed like a good sort. Anywho, I'm glad it hasn't made you hate us here forever (or maybe it has?)

Just to reiterate what Jig and Evi said, we do like our spelling/punctuation/grammar stuff here -can't live without it! Plus, you'll get that warm, accurate glow inside when you use the stuff in normal posts -and it's good practice.

And also, just on that note that people below seventeen don't have constricting school, dude, I'm in school twenty four hours a day six days a week and I'm still here when I get home. So that ain't no excuse *waggles finger*. I know it's a bit intimidating having all these people with colourdey names telling you "do this, do that" - I know I was a bit "oo-er" when I started, but don't worry about it, you'll get used to it and it isn't nearly as much work as it seems.

So... let's get to the critique and stop rambling, Stel!

I. NITPICKS

like the sound my cap guns made.


What be cap guns?

The music died mid tempo.


Mid tempo? I've never heard the expression... Tempo sure, mid, sure, but mid tempo? But if you're sure it's a phrase then ignore me and my limited vocabulary.

"Ok."


OK or okay, I'd say... I prefer okay myself, looks more... proper. But whatever.

Right so...

II. THE BOY IN THE STRIPED PYJAMAS

I sincerely hope you've read it or seen the movie- else the likeness between your story and it is simply uncanny... (if you haven't... weird. But do, it's by John Boyne and is rather disturbing.) I know that book inside out - I studied it last year as part of a three-book book report, have read it twice, and helped a friend write about it this year.

What makes your story a little less impressive, therefore, is the fact that it's been done before. Naturally, you have far less chance of making us tremble because you do it with far fewer words. But what makes it so disturbing is Bruno's complete loss of innocence.

What did Severin originally think was in the camp? And did he really just stare as those men died? How was he feeling inside? And spend a little longer on his disillusionment with his father, I think. This theme is the most powerful one you have the potential for - I say milk it for all its worth ;).

III. CHARACTERISATION

It's also worth a shot expanding Severin's character. What's he like? What age is he, to start off with. Does he think he likes blood and gore, knows blood and gore. Is he an indoctrined Hitler's Youth sort of little dude? Who is he?

IV. OVERALL

Well written- it's a brilliant theme to work with. Some more differentiation between it and the aforementioned book might not go amiss, like the encounter with Olaf... it was almost too short to have any impact.

Anyway, hope I helped, and drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella.
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010
  





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Fri Feb 20, 2009 12:04 am
mikepyro says...



I've heard of the book. Know what its about. Aside that there's no intentional similarities.
Just about every story has been done before though, especially when it involves the holocaust though, so I'm sorry the similarity brought it down a bit.

Cap guns are little toy guns filled with a smidgen of gun powder that make popping sounds when the triggers are clicked, they're usually children's toys.
I really appreciate the advice Stella.

Since Severin freaked at the death he ouldn't enjoy blood or gore, neither is he involved with hitler.
I tried to keep the piece in a child's point of tone, hense no truly deep analysis of feelings, just as a child would imagine. but I understand your feelings. I'll work to fix up the story a bit, probably repost it after a while.

24 hours a day? Must be tough, what with the no sleep for six days and all. :P

Thanks for the warm welcome, Stella. :)
  





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Fri Feb 20, 2009 12:39 am
aeroman says...



I really enjoyed the difference in perspective. I've read and heard many holocaust stories, from Night to Anne Frank, and this one was very interesting because it's not from your typical, generic points of view. Who would've thought to write about a child of a Nazi officer? Obviously, you :)

One of the reasons I enjoyed the story was the connection in the beginning and end to the buttons and soap as well as the trees. I would actually like to see similar connections and symbols possibly with the violin. It might make the violin more impactful if the child has regularly experienced joyously entertaining music performed by his father on a violin? It may make a good contrast (?)

The syntax was interesting because of the short sentences, similar to a child, as well as the short dialogue. First person PoV also made it more emotionally riveting.

I'd just say a relatively good job. It definitely exhibits talent.
They haven't invented the missile that can kill an ideal.
  





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Fri Feb 20, 2009 3:48 am
Ember says...



I thought that this was a very interesting and great piece for two reasons. One, because I've never heard of anything like this before. I would have never thought of writing a story from the point of view of a child, and a child of a Nazi at that. You chose such a potent topic to write about, and it was very stomach-churning to see all of those images in my head. Two, because you wrote it with a good use of images- I could see the scene as though it were right in front of me, a field that I have a hard time with. Your sentences tend to be a bit choppy though- not the structure, but the whole flow of the sentences in one paragraph. Then again, perhaps it is the mind of the character that you are trying to capture- that of a child's. I didn't catch any spelling or grammar mistakes either.

Great job!
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