Young Writers Society

Lucinda stood straight before the executioner’s platform. The wind softly lifted her dark brown hair, lightly caressing her face. She irritably hooked the loose strands behind her ear. People all around shifted away when they saw her hair billowing in the wind, her penetrating gaze and black dress. They feared her. She did not care, she did not care about anything, the rotting buildings, dying people, the stench of burning flesh, nor the dull drone of life. Each day was like the next. With the “Organization” having power over people’s lives, and ruling them, their dictating laws were life. There was no freedom. She was born into this life.

Lucinda was only doing her job, searching out all the refugees or those who did not commit enough to the “Organization,” and then she would sentence them to death, watch their dull lives leave their even duller eyes. She did not care, her soul was dead in anyway. She hated life, hated herself.

As the snaking line of people made it onto the platform, a hush fell over the crowd. The executioner stepped forward. . .thunk, a lifeless body hit the floor. Lucinda’s thoughts were already moving in another direction. Finally the last man came striding forward confidently. Lucinda paused, this man was different, how could it be? His back straight, head held high, his gaze roaming the crowd, unafraid. Even though he was shackled, he was free, his spirit was at peace. For a few moments their eyes met-black hair, framing a tanned face, with deep azure eyes. Lucinda’s breath stopped short for a second, her heart skipped a beat, her mind slammed shut. His eyes. . .were alive. The burning beacon of hope, freedom and truth was blazing, almost as a rescue tower for the condemned, lost in a reckless sea of deception and cruelty.

In an instant, Lucinda’s life changed. Even seeing a glimpse of real life, real freedom, was enough to make her soul cry out in hunger for that which she never had. It felt like he was searching her soul- in some ways he was. The axe flashed in the sunlight. The man smiled as if content. Lucinda, tears streaming down her face thought that was odd, but then again, not at all. Before she could take another breath, his lifeless body hit the floor. She wanted to cry out in rage and horror, but could not, her scream refused to be set free. Her whole body felt paralyzed. Reality finally sank its claws into her heart once more. But this time, Lucinda did care.

***

Two weeks had passed in a blur. Lucinda’s eyes were red, tears of regret never seemed to cease. A cry of terror brought her out of her buzzing thoughts. She looked up and froze. They were about to slaughter a child. The executioner’s axe flashed once more, with that, flashes of the man’s eyes came rushing into her mind. Before she knew what she was doing, she jumped onto the squealing child, forming a human shield. That did not stop the executioner’s cold heart. But instead of the axe, he grabbed a stout rod and rained blow upon blow down on her back, she knew it was only a matter of time before he hit her head hard enough, and it would all be over.

The child, whimpering in fright, not just for himself, but also for her, clung to her neck- the only savior he had. Lucinda hushed him gently. “Don’t worry, I’ll protect you.” She whispered. He nodded, and shut his auburn eyes tightly. The pain was stunningly agonizing and her mind was losing focus. For the boy’s and her own sake, she started to hum a loving lullaby, the only comfort they had. With death crawling over her skin and giving her a final mocking, whispering kiss on her cheek, a slight tingle rushed down her back. Lucinda ignored the feeling of slipping away, instead she felt the rising explosion of love, life, freedom and joy. A smile spread on her face, a smile of content. The boy frowned, but then saw the beacon of hope in her eyes, the blazing fire of life. Tears not of fear, or horror, but of gratitude slid down his small face. Then the world spun at a sickening angle for Lucinda and finally, death had its wish.

***

Benjamin flicked his curly, sandy brown hair back, his eyes, his auburn eyes surveyed the last fires of the fight-now over- being doused by his followers, his free followers- his people. They were finally free, they had finally cast away the shackles of slavery. He was so happy that he had lived to see this day. If it was not for him leading every one through all the battles, if he had not been alive right now, the dark shadow of the “Organization” would still be haunting their souls. If it was not for that day, where that strange woman had saved his life and died with a content smile, he would not have gotten away, would not have lived, would not have led the freedom fighters. He smiled, he would never forget the life he saw in her eyes. His eyes shone, and in them, something shone even more- life, freedom, peace, hope, love and joy.

Hey there,

^_^

Before I start being nitpicky, I'd like to mention that I thought this was a good piece of work. It caught my attention, and held it all the way through. I felt for Lucinda, watching all those things happen.

General note: Adjectives. Don't use them too often. Sometimes is fine, but they get annoying quite easily, so be careful with that.

Nitpicks:

Lucinda stood straight before the executioner’s platform. Do you mean she, herself, stood straight, or that she was directly opposite the platform? Make sure you're clear in your descriptions.

She irritably hooked the loose strands behind her ear. Not too fond of "hooked". Hooked doesn't feel like the right word. Something along the lines of "tucked" or "secured" would do better, in my opinion.

Each day was like the next. With the “Organization” having power over people’s lives, and ruling them, their dictating laws were life. There was no freedom. She was born into this life. You repeat the word "life" far too much in these sentences.

watch their dull lives leave their even duller eyes. Dull and duller don't go well with such repetition.

She did not care, her soul was dead in anyway. Is the "in" necessary there?

thunk, a lifeless body hit the floor. Italics might look good with the "thunk" to indicate sound.

The burning beacon of hope, freedom and truth was blazing, almost as a rescue tower for the condemned, lost in a reckless sea of deception and cruelty. I like this a lot.

It felt like he was searching her soul- in some ways he was. Make this more clear, I'm not sure what you mean.

Lucinda did care. Italics could very well emphasize the "did" ^^

That did not stop the executioner’s cold heart. But instead of the axe, he grabbed a stout rod and rained blow upon blow down on her back, she knew it was only a matter of time before he hit her head hard enough, and it would all be over. Why? I got the impression she was a colleague of the execution crew; someone who could do something about what was happening - not someone that the executioner would beat. Also, slightly run on sentence.

Very nice story, I like it. Well done.

I'm gonna give you a gold star.

XxxDo

This is really touching, a very well written piece. I love how emotional the story is, you've got talent!

She did not care, she did not care about anything, the rotting buildings, dying people, the stench of burning flesh, nor the dull drone of life.

I'm not that brilliant at punctuation but I'm pretty sure the comma after anything should be a colon or a dash (you might want to have someone check though).

With the “Organization” having power over people’s lives, and ruling them, their dictating laws were life. There was no freedom. She was born into this life.

I'm not sure about the first sentence here, I think you could alter it to run a bit smoother. I'd get rid of having and 'and ruling them' as its kind of the same thing. Something like this might work better: 'With the 'Organizations' power over people's lives, the hold they mantained, their dictating laws were life.' you also repeat life a bit, I'd change the last sentence to 'she was born into this world' or something similar.

Lucinda was only doing her job, searching out all the refugees or those who did not commit enough to the “Organization,” and then she would sentence them to death, watch their dull lives leave their even duller eyes.

I'd put a fullstop after "Organization" and get rid of 'and then'- you could then replace the comma after death with 'and' aswell.

She did not care, her soul was dead in anyway

You don't need 'in' here.

The executioner stepped forward. . .thunk, a lifeless body hit the floor.

I'd put thunk in italics.

For a few moments their eyes met-black hair, framing a tanned face, with deep azure eyes.

I think you need to say 'he had' or something to confirm its the man's description.

Lucinda’s breath stopped short for a second, her heart skipped a beat, her mind slammed shut.

I'm not sure what you mean when you say 'her mind slammed shut'.- wouldn't it be opening, coming alive at seeing this man?

The man smiled as if content. Lucinda, tears streaming down her face thought that was odd, but then again, not at all.

I'm not sure about the arrangement of the last sentence- you need a comma after face and I'd replace the comma after odd with a dash. I've noticed a few times throughout this piece that you could use something else in the place of a coma (semi-colon, colon, dash or fullstop) but like I said, I'm no expert in that area so I'll leave most of it up to someone else to pick those bits out incase I get it wrong

A cry of terror brought her out of her buzzing thoughts.

I'm not keen on 'buzzing thoughts'- 'brought her back to the present' or 'snapped her out of her sorrow' might work better or something similar.

The pain was stunningly agonizing and her mind was losing focus.

I'd leave out the stunningly, it seems a bit too much.

Lucinda ignored the feeling of slipping away

'the feeling of slipping away' I think could be replaced with something better- like 'the looming darkness'.

Then the world spun at a sickening angle for Lucinda and finally, death had its wish.

I'd leave out the then- I'm not a big fan of starting sentences with then and however though so it could just be me.

Benjamin flicked his curly, sandy brown hair back, his eyes, his auburn eyes surveyed the last fires of the fight-now over- being doused by his followers, his free followers- his people.

I'd put a fullstop after 'hair back' and get rid of the first 'his eyes'.

They were finally free, they had finally cast away the shackles of slavery.

I've noticed you repeat words and descriptions quite a bit for the dramatic effect but sometimes it can be used too much- here I would not use the second 'finally', either leaving it out or replacing it with something like 'managed to'.

He smiled, he would never forget the life he saw in her eyes. His eyes shone, and in them, something shone even more- life, freedom, peace, hope, love and joy.

Beautiful ending I'd add 'own' between his and eyes.

As I've gone along I have kind of already explained some of the things that can be improved overall- the use of commas and repeating words for effect can be used too often. I think you have a wonderful way of describing the feelings of the characters in this story- sometimes though less is more in the use of describing words.

Overall though I really enjoyed this piece- its a well written, original idea, that was interesting to read Hope I've helped!

Thank you for the reveiws guys! Yeah I make tons of silly mistakes, I'm going to work on that, but thanks, it helps me a lot