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Onmitsu



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Fri Feb 20, 2009 2:43 am
Ember says...



I

I'd once thought that since I was the son of a samurai that I would automatically follow in my father's footsteps. I'd once believed, just like a child believes a fairy tale, that I would be fine in the future because I was of samurai descent. If the world had been as it was, that would have been true.

My ego, a friend once told me, is what kept me going as a warrior. Maybe not as a samurai, but as a memorable survivor. Though, to me, memories are flammable. I could toss them into my internal flame, and they would be gone forever. Or at least, that's what I wanted to believe.

They say I was born to ignite. Though I denied it, I could feel the explosion inside of me cause catastrophic damage to my morals. The crackling and burning of my inner blaze was physically painful, and my good intentions deteriorated and curled at the edges.

Friends of my parents once said that I had inherited the element of fire from my mother. She, apparently, was as enduring and powerful as the flame before her impending death. For a long while, I was embarrassed by that fact- to think that a boy would inherit his mother's attributes instead of his father's. However, as I grew older, I understood that I never wanted to be like my father, in any way. I don't know what element he resembled, but in all honesty, I didn't care.

The fire in my personality would burn the memories of everyone's appearances, some sooner than others. My figurative flame would scorch my memory of the ones I'd left behind. As they burned, I would watch the embers crackle, pop and simmer. I was born flighty, and never gave leaving anyone a second thought, except for one person in particular. I could never burn the memory of my only childhood confidante. I could easily torch what he looked like, but the memory of the man was simply unforgettable.

He was a fairly young man, though he said proverbs like one of the elderly, and worked as an indentured servant in my household. He was known as Ohagi, because he was known around the village for making the autumn treats irresistible. Ohagi didn't seem to mind his name. In fact, he took it as a form of compliment rather than ridicule. Once, I'd asked him how he could stand being named for bean jam, and his response was so unlike how my father would have responded.

Ohagi had said, “The one who has conquered himself is a far greater hero than he who has defeated a thousand times a thousand men. Isn't that true, Little One?”

I growled at that name- Little One. That was what you called someone who was weak and fragile. Unfortunately for me, Ohagi hadn't called me 'Jin' once. He ruffled my hair, which only made me growl more, and he said another Buddhist proverb as he washed out my wounds. This one was about pride, though, oddly enough, I didn't listen.

The stinging pain of the anti-biotic brought me out of my reminiscing. I hissed as Ohagi dabbed a bit of medicine on my scrapes. Though, my frustration with myself ran deeper than the iodine.

“These are pretty nasty wounds, Little One. Did you fall?”

I'd discovered that the wars of children had significant differences between the conflicts of civil adults.

Unlike adults, children were entertained when they saw someone get hurt. They would gather around, in a circle just like this one, and shout. The thing about brawling children is that they always want more. They don't care how many bones are being broken, or how much blood is being spilled. They will still keep cheering on, as if it brought them joy to see others in pain. Just as I'd expected, there was a crowd of bloodthirsty little imps, rejoicing in the hopes that my opponent would crush another skull.

Nakayama Rai fought just like his given name implied. He struck down like a bolt of lightning, and when you least expected it, secured the victory for himself. I knew I wasn't going to win- I was ten at the time, and he was twelve. But my pride would not make me get a wink of rest if I chose not to show up.

As we stood in the circle of screaming children, Nakayama-kun said, “You really don't give up, do you?”

I stood my ground defiantly, not answering him. I then opposed the force of fear and looked him in the eye. In our culture, looking someone in the eye is universally a sign of disrespect to your elders, no matter where you are in Japan.

“You dare?” Nakayama-kun had yelped like a dog. “Prepare to die, shrimp!”

And at that point, I thought I did. From that moment on, every punch, every kick, every bite and every tug made me feel brave. I couldn't believe that I was actually taking all of those blows, and that my body wasn't going into shock. I was getting hit, falling down, and then, I would stand back up so that he could hit me again. I didn't know what I was thinking at the time, but somehow, frustrating him seemed to mean something to me.

I looked away. “Not my body, but my ego.”

Ohagi chuckled as he bandaged my knee. “Now, now. Haven't we talked about that?”

As Ohagi was bandaging me, I wanted to do it by myself, but I let him continue anyway. I felt like hurting Ohagi, even emotionally, would be the worst thing in the world because he seemed so untainted. He was the kind of person whom I could never degrade, because he had never degraded me. It didn't matter to him that I was totally consumed by anger. The only thing that mattered to him was that I was his friend, and somehow, we both filled a void for each other.

I never asked him what kind of a 'void' that I filled, and why he had chosen me to become friends with me, instead of just being my caretaker. I knew how it felt to be pestered with questions about my past, and I hated that feeling. So, no matter how much I wanted to, I promised myself that I would never bring up the subject unless Ohagi brought it up himself. Ohagi probably made that same promise, and that's why we never knew about what made us who we were.

“Is there something bothering you, Little One?” Ohagi asked me, snapping me out of my trance. “If your heart is hurting, you can tell me.”

Ohagi was almost exactly the same as the pastry he was named for. He was sweet, sickly sweet. Compared to him, I was jaded; it almost made me feel unworthy of his kindness. But he was right- my chest was compressing, making me experience an entirely new sensation that I'd failed to push away. That particular sensation, I would soon find out, was longing. Though, it was unnecessary longing.

I pulled my eyes away from his, and my unruly bangs covered my eyes to hide my vulnerability. “I'm not hurting, Ohagi. I'm just angry.”

Ohagi placed a hand on my shoulder, and I immediately shook it off. I wasn't used to physical affection- it was probably the only thing I would admit to fear, but only silently. When Ohagi spoke, there was a seriousness in his voice, but when he kept speaking, his voice melted into gentleness again.

“Believe me when I say this- you don't need any more fire in your spirit. Sometimes, it's good to put it out.”

His voice paralyzed me, leaving me in a cocoon of contemplation.

Ohagi was pouring my father's tea innocently into a cup. I noticed how Ohagi did it without remorse in his psyche, and without bitterness in his heart. He did it with complete mindfulness that he was going to serve tea to my father.

It compelled me to dump some rat poison into the liquid.

*

I knew that death was coming for me as I sat before my father.

My father never did give me the courtesy of his glance, until now. The shame never did leave his features. His bones would still rattle, and his jaw would still be tense whenever he would think about my condition. Even when he was pleased with me, that shame would find its way back into his eyes again when he thought about it, and it was always on his mind. Perhaps I'd gotten my outlook on life from him- we were both frustrated. He, for the changing era and I, for the fact that I would never be good enough in his eyes.

We sat in seiza, or seated position, for a long time. As his eyes stared deep into my fear, I was counting the planks on the wooden floor. We both knew the reason why I was in his quarters, and why I held my head low in shame.

“Do you know why you're here, Jin?” He asked with a cold familiarity.

“Y-Yes.” Suddenly, my guilt-stricken voice was now filled with courage. “I'll beat Nakayama Rai one day!”

“There won't be a 'one day' if you tarnish my name again.” My father said icily. “Ohagi!”

Ohagi was already sitting by the doorway. His head was bowed low in humility, and he advanced to my father's presence, not daring to look him in the eye. He was carrying a tea tray.

“Yes, Sasaki-dono?”

Dono, in our language, was an honorific that suggested that you were lower than dirt. It was a dying honorific because of the changing era, but Ohagi still held onto that humbleness. Embarrassing me was one thing, but Ohagi felt so poorly that he did it to himself.

“My tea?”

“Yes, Sasaki-dono.”

My father sipped it with bitter distaste. Ohagi, concerned for my father's comfort as he was for mine, merely asked my father if it tasted good. My father then took the tea, and splashed the searing hot liquid in Ohagi's face. Ohagi cried out in pain, and was thrown back on the floor.

“This is oolong, you incompetent piece of trash! I asked for green tea!”

Ohagi struggled to stand up, and then to my surprise, bowed.

“My apologies.”

Tears were welling up in my eyes. I couldn't stand the humility that Ohagi had to endure. I took his pain as if it were my own. With kiai, a battle cry, I charged at my father. I didn't care if he were going to kill me. All of a sudden, it didn't matter anymore. He could do his worst, and as long as I protected Ohagi's honor, that's all that would matter to me.

Suddenly, I felt a strong hit to the back of my neck, and I was asleep.

*

In my dream, I was drowning. It wasn't, however, the sort of drowning where heaving breaths of water cause your lungs to fill. It wasn't the panic stricken sort of drowning, no. In this kind of drowning, the water was calm, and I was left to decide for myself if I wanted to live or not. I was left to float to the bottom, and stare at the surface. I contemplated on whether or not I would come up for air. The way I died in the dream was that I couldn't decide. I put the decision off for another moment, until finally, my lungs ran out of air, and I was forced to gulp in the water. In the process of my demise, I could hear Ohagi's voice cooing, beckoning me to the surface. He would call, 'Little One, Little One'.

I guess that was what I feared the most- that I would run out of time.

I jolted upwards, and found that I was in my bed. Ohagi was sleeping in the corner of my room with his red, aloe-covered face, and his bloody knuckles.

I walked up to Ohagi. I kept my eyes on one thing about him in particular- his scar.

It looked like a burn, but one far worse than what he had endured with my father. The scar was shaped like a growing wildfire, and looked to be severe. It consumed his whole arm, like a fire would to a tree. I wondered he'd gotten the scar, and overall, the story behind it. It was pink, like it ran deep and seared most of the layers of his skin off.

For some reason that I'd failed to comprehend, I touched it. I stroked the scar with the tips of my fingers, and he awoke. He pounced on me like a tiger protecting its kin, but he could only see that it was me by the light of the mistress moon.

The only sound you could hear after that was my heavy breathing from shock, and Ohagi's uneasy breath from guilt.

As Ohagi eased off of me, he embraced me with his phoenix wings, and it felt like summer in the midst of winter.

*

“I hate him.” I said as I referred to my father

I'd said that as I overlooked the snowy landscape. The koi pond was frozen over, and the bare trees looked dead. Their arms were reaching out for the life of spring, but their efforts were of no avail. All of the grass was covered by the thick, powdery crystals that looked bright to the naked eye. But in reality, it dimmed everyone's spirits by making things dreary, and full of death.

“Don't say that, Little One.”

Ohagi had his arms around me, as I sat in his lap. His warmth was so unlike what I was used to, and I wasn't uncomfortable. It seemed as though Ohagi was a large bird, wrapping me in his body heat like a blanket. The phoenix wings were containing my anger, and my sorrow. Now, there was only tranquility.

“Your father is facing hard times, but it is not your fault.”

When Ohagi had said that, I sniffled, but refused to show him my tears. I whimpered, but refused to show him my misery. When he wrapped his arms slightly tighter around my person, I started to cry uncontrollably. I don't know why the tears came, but perhaps it was because I'd been keeping them locked up in the closet of my eyes for too long.

“It is a changing era,” He began. “It won't be long before your father faces hardship for his crimes.”

“Like splashing tea in your face?”

Ohagi chuckled. “Now, don't you worry about that.”

And the phoenix wings were upon me again, encompassing me in their heat.
Last edited by Ember on Sun Mar 08, 2009 7:59 pm, edited 12 times in total.
  





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Sat Feb 21, 2009 12:57 am
Rosendorn says...



Hiya Ember! Here as requested!

Setting: An interesting setting here, but you're neglecting some key facts. Here, for instance:

Nakayama Rai, the child of whom I'd lost to, fought just like his given name implied.


You give the impression that his given name is violent, but you don't give us the actual meaning. Remember, not everybody knows as much history as you do, and us readers, being rather lazy when looking at a story, don't want to go running to text books every few minutes to see what is going on.

Give us a little more background info right at the start. The way things are now, it takes a long time to place to time period. You explain that your MC wanted to be a samuri, but you don't explain why he can't be a samuri until much later.

A good tip to use for this whole chapter would be the cause/effect reaction. What that means, is you give the cause to something before you give the effect. I've given you an example for that above.

Characters: I enjoy your characters, but I have a hard time pin-pointing the relationship. During the scene when Ohagi is bandaging your MC's wounds, I thought your MC's father was dead. Later, when we discover he's not, it throws us.

I also have a hard time pinpointing the age of your characters. I thought Ohagi was around the same age as your MC. Your MC might say he's six, but his thoughts make him sound like he's twenty-something.

Scene breaks: I find these rather confusing. Usually scene breaks are used to show a rather long and/or boring span of time, or, they are a simple jump from one setting to another. If they are just a jump from one scene to another, be sure there is a lead-in phrase in the scene above that shows us that. Else, things get complicated.

Overall: I find this to be a very interesting consept. You have clearly done your research, and several things here have been planted that promise an interesting story. I would advise you to make sure that your causes and effects are all straitned out, however, and that you give that little backhistory that's needed for names and some cultural nuances when needed.

If you have any questions, PM me.

~Rosey
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Sat Feb 21, 2009 1:20 am
Ember says...



Rosey,

Thanks so much for the review! I really appreciate it!

Things to clear up:

When I was describing Nakayama Rai, I actually did give the meaning of his name, but indirectly. I said that he struck down like a bolt of lightning, and that's exactly what the word 'Rai' means in Japanese- lightning.

As for the father thing, I never said that Jin's father was dead. All that could have implied that was that it said that Ohagi was his caretaker. You can still have a caretaker and have a father too- kind of like a babysitter.

Also, the reason why Jin is speaking so maturely is because he's really telling it when he's an old man. That's why he speaks in past tense.

But I'll try to get on editing this as soon as I can! Thanks again!

-Ember
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Sat Feb 21, 2009 1:52 am
Rosendorn says...



Some more comments then:

Ahh, well, I consider "lightning" a term that could be used simply to describe things. I don't nessesarily tie that word to any name.

What I was drawing off of, for the father thing, was the line:

For taking the position of a father, I was eternally grateful to Ohagi.


When I read "taking the position of a father" the automatic conection in my head was that he physicaly did not have a father anymore.

Past tense is the norm for prose, even first person prose. So, because readers are used to reading past tense they will expect the person's language to reflect their age at the time of the story being told.

Just a little more explenation for you.

~Rosey
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Sat Feb 21, 2009 2:33 am
Ember says...



Oh wow. XD I didn't even notice that bit about 'taking the position of a father'. I'll erase that.

As for the past tense thing, I'll make it prominent in the beginning that he is really telling the story as an old man. That way, I won't be putting a voice too mature for the character. In addition, I won't be putting in a choppy child's voice either. Thanks so much for your help!

-Ember
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Sat Feb 21, 2009 9:49 am
deleted2 says...



Hey there ^_^

Here for the review, as requested!

Review for part I.

Your opening sentence is great - it caught my attention immediatly. By all means, do not change it. I love it.

They would gather around, in a circle just like this one, and scream.


You're trying to convey entertainment, which doesn't quite work with the word "scream". To me, that sounds as though they gather around, see the damage, and scream out of fear/disgust. A word such as yell or shout would work better.

rejoicing in the hopes to see my opponent crush another skull.


If I were you I'd [s]to see[/s] and replace it with of seeing. That's just a nitpick, though.

Nakayama Rai, the child of whom I'd lost to, fought just like his given name implied.


To me this sounds as though your MC just lost to the child of Nakayama Rai. Do you mean this, or do you mean that your MC just lost from Nakayama Rai himself?

His meaty talons


Not sure how to visualize this. Meaty? Do you mean that his talons are vast?

Nakayama-kun


To the best of my knowledge you should capitalize Kun because it is a title of respect/added name.

Though unconscious, I felt like I was fully alive.


I don't know if you've ever been unconscious, dear, but trust me when I say that you won't be feeling fully alive when you're unconscious.... because you're unconcious. My advice it that you should change this to "though nearly/almost/on the verge of being unconscious, I felt like I was fully alive."

samurai


Again, to the best of my knowledge this should be capitalized. The same way as you'd capitalize the first letters of Inca, Mayan or Aztec, you'd capitalize the S.

ugly moth who relies on thieving in order to survive


[s]who[/s] that.

I was born flighty,


Not too fond of "flighty". Can you reword that?

He was a fairly young man, though he said proverbs like an old man


Repetition of "man". You could reword as something along these lines: "He was a fairly young man, though he said proverbs as though he was one of the elderly."

Er, bad example. I'm sure you get what I mean, though.

He was sweet, sickly sweet.


That doesn't sound positive. Is it meant to?

there was a seriousness in his voice, but when he kept speaking, his voice melted into gentleness again.


No "a" before seriousness. Also, seriousness and gentleness in one sentence = not so great. Try to change this.

We sat in seiza for a long time


What's seiza?
Suddenly, I felt a strong blade-fist to the back of my neck, and I was asleep.


Asleep? What exactly is a blade-fist? My first thought here is that he's dead.

Very nice descriptions, dear. Well done, it's an interesting and well-written story. I'm going to review part two right away, in fact.

XxxDo

Edit: Oy! I could've sworn there was a part one and a part two in this thread! I actually have both in a word document - I find it easier to review when things are in Word. Did you change that while I was reviewing ? Sneaky, sneaky, sneaky ;)

So I'll wait with reviewing part two until you post it again, dear. PM me when you do!
  





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Sat Feb 21, 2009 3:04 pm
Ember says...



Thanks so much, XxxDo! I'll get on those right away! However, as for the -kun thing, in all of the manga that I've read, you don't capitalize honorifics in Japanese. Thanks so much for your help! :)
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Sun Feb 22, 2009 6:51 am
aeroman says...



Hey, Ember!

I promised you a critique and so here it is :) When I read it was about samurai, I was intrigued. I don't believe I've ever read anything remotely similar. So, this should be interesting. I will critique as I read.

Red = Definite Changes (in my opinion)
Blue = Suggestion (the way I might write it)

The wars of----- children [s]had[/s] (have) significant differences between the conflicts of civil adults.


I like this opening sentence. The parallel structure is interesting. Change it from passive to active voice via exchanging "had" for "have." To fully make it parallel structure though, you would need to insert an adjective in front of "children." This would add to the effect in my opinion. It would have to contrast with the word "civil", you could use...unruly, immature, etc.

Unlike adults, children [s]were[/s] (are) entertained when they [s]saw[/s] (see) someone get hurt. They [s]would[/s] gather around, in a circle just like this one, and shout. The thing about brawling children is [s]that[/s] they always want more. They don't care how many bones are [s]being[/s] broken, or how much blood is [s]being spilled[/s] (spilt). They [s]will still keep cheering on[/s] (continue cheering), as if it [s]brought[/s] (brings) them joy to see others in pain. Just as I'd expected, there was a crowd of bloodthirsty little imps, rejoicing in the hopes that my opponent would crush another skull.


My recommendation would be to read this paragraph without my corrections, and then read it with my corrections. Notice the difference? You were using passive voice which will slow down the pace and flow of your narrative. I changed it to active voice.

The paragraph as a whole is interesting; it is basically just exposition which isn't always a good idea in the beginning of a story because you want to hook your reader and more often than not, amateur writers do not succeed in doing so with exposition. But, the subject matter is very interesting and so it succeeds :)


Nakayama Rai fought just like his [s]given[/s] (is knowing that his name was given imperative? If it is, then keep it.) name implied. He struck down like a bolt of lightning, and when you least expected it, secured the victory for himself. [s]His meaty talons would hold the triumph, and fly away with it with the rest of his comrades.[/s] I knew I wasn't going to win- I was six at the time, and he was nine. But my pride would not make me get a wink of rest if I chose not to show up.


This isn't necessary, but I have a suggestion for sentence structure: "Nakayama Rai fought just like his name implied; like lightning, he struck when you least expected it, securing the victory for himself." I believe this structure adds more fluidity and power to your diction. It amplifies the words: like lightning.

"His meaty talons would hold the triumph, and fly away with it with the rest of his comrades." Diction is confusing. The word, talons, makes you wonder whether his opponent is a child or a bird of prey.

"As we stood in the circle of screaming children, Nakayama-kun said, “You really don't give up, do you?”


I am confused as to whether the antagonist's name is Nakayama-kun or Nakayama Rai (?)

I stood my ground defiantly, not answering [s]him[/s]. I then opposed the force of fear and looked him in the eye. In our culture, looking someone in the eye is universally a sign of disrespect to your elders, no matter where you are in Japan.

“You dare?” Nakayama-kun yelped like a dog. “Prepare to die, shrimp!”


Another sentence structure suggestion: "Standing defiantly, I looked him in the eye." "You dare to look your elder in the eye?" Nakayama-kun yelped like a dog. "Prepare to die, shrimp!"

The structure I am suggesting avoids your unnecessary word usage. Fewer words makes the message more powerful. It will put all the focus on the fact that your protagonist looked his enemy square in the eye, making it more intense. You also get rid of your unnecessary exposition of how looking your elder in the eye is disrespectful by showing the exposition through Nakayama-kun's words: "You dare to look me in the eye?"

Lesson: Show Don't Tell, showing is often more powerful. A narrative needs to have the right balance between both.


And at that point, I thought I did. From that moment on, every punch, every kick, every bite [s]and every tug[/s] (tug is less powerful than a punch, kick, or bite so it feels out of place) made me feel brave. I couldn't believe [s]that[/s] I was [s]actually[/s] taking all [s]of[/s] those blows, and [s]that[/s] my body wasn't going into shock. I was getting hit, falling down, and [s]then, I would stand back up[/s] (standing up) so [s]that[/s] he could hit me again. [s]I didn't know what I was thinking at the time, but[/s] Somehow, frustrating him seemed to mean something to me.


A lot of unnecessary words: that, of, actually, etc. Lesson: Concise is best. Don't use anymore words than you need to convey your message. They will detract from the narrative.

[s]Even[/s] When Nakayama-kun and all [s]of[/s] the children left [s]for the playground[/s] (does it matter that they went to the playground, all the reader needs to know is that they left, I was happy. They were finally bored with me, and I could feel Nakayama-kun's rage that he [s]was not able to[/s] (couldn't) defeat my fighting spirit. Though battered and lying on the ground, [s]I'd[/s] (I) felt stronger than ever before.


Just some more unnecessary words. I would advise proofreading your narrative for them. They can be very hard to catch.

Topics Discussed
1. Balance of Show and Tell
2. Concise is Best
3. Passive vs. Active Voice

Overall, a very interesting beginning. I am excited to continue reading, but I have to go; so, I will continue later :) Wonderful job, Ember! It definitely has some promise! I hope my critique will prove useful to you; you are welcome to use my suggestions or not :)
Last edited by aeroman on Sun Feb 22, 2009 3:54 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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Sun Feb 22, 2009 1:01 pm
Ember says...



Wow, aeroman! I can't thank you enough! You really did more than I was expecting! XD

Things to clear up:

The -kun thing is an honorific in the Japanese language. It basically means that he is a boy around the same age as Jin.
-chan means 'darling' and -san means Mr. or Mrs. and so on.

The reason why Jin speaks in past tense is that he's telling the story from when he's an old man.

But I will definitely get on those corrections.

Thanks so much again,

Ember
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Sun Feb 22, 2009 4:19 pm
aeroman says...



1. The Kun Thing
But if you need to explain it to me after I've read it than you haven't done your job as a writer. I believe you should somehow distinguish the reason that you first use Rai and then use Kun within the narrative.

2. Tense & Active Voice

That is fine. But my recommendation is to use active voice. I'm not sure if you understood what I meant when I plugged in my tense comments too. So, I got rid of those. Let me explain active & passive voice. I will use The Elements of Style by William Strunk Jr. & E.B. White to explain.

Excerpt:

"Use the active voice.

The active voice is usually more direct and vigorous than the passive:

I shall always remember my first visit to Boston.

This is much better than

My first visit to Boston will always be remembered by me.

The latter sentence is less direct, less bold, and less concise. If the writer tries to make it more concise by omitting "by me,"

My first visit to Boston will always be remembered,

it become indefinite: is it the writer or some undisclosed person or the world at large that will always remember this vist?

This rule does not, of course, mean that the writer should entirely discard the passive voice, which is frequently convenient and sometimes necessary.

The dramatists of the Restoration are little esteemed today.

Modern readers have little esteem for the dramatists of the Restoration.

The first would be the preferred form in a paragraph on the dramatists of the Restoration; the second, in a paragraph on the tastes of modern readers. The needs of making a particular word the subject of the sentence will often, as in these examples, determine which voice is to be used.
The habitual use of the active voice, however, makes for forcible writing. This is true not only in narrative principally concerned with action but in writing of any kind. Many a tame sentence of description or exposition can be made lively and emphatic by substituting a transitive in the active voice for some such perfunctory function as there is or could be heard.

There were a great number of dead leaves lying on the ground. (PV)
Dead leaves covered the ground. (AV)

At dawn the crowing of a rooster could be heard. (PV)
The cock's crow came with dawn. (AV)

The reason he left college was that his health became impaired. (PV)
Failing health compelled him to leave college. (AV)

It was not long before he was very sorry that he had said what he had. (PV)
She soon repented her words. (AV)

Note, in the examples above, that when a sentence is made stronger, it usually becomes shorter. Thus, brevity is a by-product of vigor." - William Strunk Jr. & E.B. White

I hope that explains my point better. Many of those unnecessary words are due to the use of passive instead of active. It's not a matter of tense but of voice.
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Sun Feb 22, 2009 5:51 pm
Ember says...



I fixed those- I made my voice a little more active. Thanks so much for your help, Aero! And I'll edit the -kun thing, explaining honorifics in the beginning. :)

Thanks again,

Ember
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Mon Feb 23, 2009 4:58 pm
Mars says...



Hey Ember! Sorry it took me so long to get to this, but I'm here now - let's get started!
Also, I know pretty much nothing about the history of Japan, so I won't mention accuracy or anything.

They would gather around, in a circle just like this one, and shout...They don't care how many bones are being broken, or how much blood is being spilt.

So, I have a problem with this part just because you have two different tenses here. It should either be would and didn't or no verb there and don't. And actually if we're going there, I think it should be have in the first sentence - it's okay if the rest of your story is in past tense, but in this first bit the narrator is just talking in general, so this part could be in present tense. Or the whole thing could be past. It's just important to keep it consistent.

not make me get a wink of rest

I think the word let would be better here.

In our culture, looking someone in the eye is universally a sign of disrespect to your elders, no matter where you are in Japan.

This sentence is a bit awkward and redundant, me thinks. What about something like Looking elders in the eye is a universal sign of disrespect in Japan/our culture (whichever you like better). That makes it a bit more concise and easier to read.

why he had chosen [s]me[/s] to become friends with me


I couldn't stand the humility that Ohagi had to endure.

Humiliation? Humility means to be humble, which Ohagi obviously is, but the father is humiliating him, or embarassing him.

I wondered he'd gotten the scar, and overall, the story behind it.

This doesn't make sense - you could just say I wondered how he had gotten the scar. Or whatever. But you need to add something to that sentence.

“I hate him,” I said as I referred to my father


Overall
This...is amazing! Really, I usually can't stand historical fiction, but I love this so far. I love the beginning, the fight, and the way you gave Jin's background but not so much that it made me gag, and everything. It was really good. The only thing to watch out for, I think, is those tenses. Your narrator switches between speaking in general a lot and telling his story in the past, and some of the tenses I wasn't sure about - for example, when you wrote Dono was an honorific in my language... Isn't it still in the language? Although with the changing era...well, it happened a few times. So! Watch out for those.

Again, otherwise, this was really excellent. PM me if you need anything!

Edit, a ha! I agree with aeroman about the tenses, he explained much better than I did. I know you did edit it, but I think a bit more would help, for example the first line. I understand that he's telling it as an old man, but I think it should still be in present tense there.
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Mon Feb 23, 2009 7:33 pm
Ember says...



I can't express my thanks enough, Mars- I'm so glad that you like my story! :) I'll get on those corrections right away, and I'll work diligently about improving my skills in tenses. Thanks again for your help!

-Ember
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Sat Feb 28, 2009 6:32 am
mikepyro says...



sorry for the very late reply. I've just been off the site a while.

now, onto the review. I must say this piece impressed me even more than I was expecting. your characters are well developed, fully realized and I especially loved the opening reflection the the hunger for violence so many children feel. very real.

the only detraction I can find is during some of the more descriptive portions concerning the characters actions, most noticably the fight scenes, could use a bit of tightening up to make it flow even more smoothly. just a small point though that doesn't detract much from the story.

all in all, I think this was a fantastic start to a story. you breath life into the tale and help capture the mood and feeling of the dramatic period the work occupies.

I look forward to reading more from you.
keep it up.
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Sat Feb 28, 2009 4:08 pm
Ember says...



Thanks, mikepyro! I'll try to improve my skills in describing the fight scenes. And thanks for the compliment! :)

-Ember
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