Young Writers Society

Hi!

On YWS, a rule is that you review at least two pieces of work before you post any of your own, and review twice as much as you post stories.

Crit-wise:

Eddie woke up feeling miserable and sore after a long night in the tent set up on the beach for the wounded.

Sentence is rather long… split it up.

The battle had finished and the Yanks had taken the beach and were still making their way up the small cliffs where the worn down German soldiers were pulling back.

Same here. Too long.

Thankfully, British and American ships did the most damage with artillery causing great devastation on the German positions on the cliffs. This, again thankfully, enabled the US corps to climb the cliffs (due to vigorous training) and start their way into the main land.

This is boring and reads like something out of a history book. Focus on Eddie, not the tactics.

Eddie rubbed his face, trying to get himself use to the light.

“Use” should be “used”.

“Hey bud, stop lazing around and get your butt outside, your needed.”

“Your” should be “you’re”, meaning “you are”. I’m assuming from the “butt” that Eddie is American? Only you should make this clearer.

Yet this lieutenant seemed to have a thirst for battle, yet that made him smooth and cool in battle when giving orders so that he kept his men in the best safety he could.

Don’t repeat the word “battle” so much.

“We are assigned to finishing off what the airborne corps were assigned to, destroying the German gun positions,” lieutenant Marlins reported to his unit, “ We have been giving a clear path to the target with air support along the way. And since the Germans are under a lot of pressure we shouldn’t come under much resistance. It’ll be a quick trip in, a quick ka-boom of the guns and a quick retreat. Any questions or inquires go to the commander and chief, this is an all go mission vital for the war effort.”

This is boring. The guy seems to be spouting commands straight from a textbook. Add clour, make it realistic. Add swearing.

So massive in fact that Eddie was the only one left of the 120 strong squad.

Write out numbers.

----

I have to dash now. There weren't too many mistakes in here, but it was very, very bland. I'm sorry if this seems harsh, but it's to help. You must slow down the narrative, add in description. Describe Eddie, the seargant, the landscape, the uniforms, the guns, the weapons, the enemy fire.

And the ending? Frankly, it was boring. Unemotional. There was no point to the entire story. You describe some guy who we know nothing about. You've given us no reason to care about him. Then you kill him. Boom. Then what? Give us reason to care about him, to make the ending actually mean something.

PM me if you have any questions!

Eddie woke up feeling miserable and sore after a long night in the tent set up on the beach for the wounded.

This sentence is too long.

Eddie started to feel the fear of war again as he got use to the atmosphere.

You said "use" in the last sentence.

As he gazed around he felt someone shake him roughly, bringing a finally noticed pain in his shoulder to add to all the cramps and pains he felt.

There should be a comma after "after."

your needed.”

"Your" should be "you're."

Eddie didn’t recognise him, but he could tell he was rough and had seen a lot of blood.

"Recognise" should be "recognize."

“You’re not too bad the doc says. Just a nick in the shoulder, you’ll be fine for battle so hurry up and be out there to report to the officer in five minutes.”

There should be a semicolon after "shoulder" not a comma.

Straight away he walked away leaving Eddie with no choice but to obey orders.

There should be a comma after "away."

After getting back with his unit Eddie was stuck in a truck convoy with his unit and was driven to the front line headquarters,

Use another word besides "getting."

When they got there they heard and saw sure signs of battle all over the place.

There are plenty of words you could use besides "got."

Eddies lieutenant

There should be an apostrophe in Eddies.

yet that made him smooth and cool

You already used "yet" in the same sentence.

were dropped of 2 miles from the target

It should be "two" not "2."

All ready the air support had started bombing around the group’s target.

There should be a comma after ready.

The unit hit hard taking out the first gun, but losing fifty men in the process.

There should be a comma after "hard."

the HQ had got it wrong again.

Use another word besides "got."

The order from, the now in charge, sergeant was to pull back and run, it was a code red.

This sentence is too long.

Your story was good. The main problem is making sure you don't bore the audience. Keep on writing.

One little thing I noticed, that I just wanted to get out of the way now, but I wasn't sure what this meant:

this is an all go mission vital for the war effort.

An all go mission? Am I just undereducated, because I've never heard of that. Also, the battle scene was incredibly short compared to the breifing. It should be lengthed, so that you can get a bit more emotion into it. Also, the last man? A bit of a cliche' and it would read better if it were him running away and watching men running alongside him being taken down, one by one, before he dies. Also, I know it was supposed to shock yuo when Eddie dies, but I would like maybe a few short and dramatic sentences before then. For example you could say:

A gunshot nearby. Eddie's vision went fuzzy, he hedl his breath. Silence. Then he knew what was about to happen. As Eddie made his way through the trees, he was shot. Not in the leg. Not in the shoulder. In the head by a lone sniper bullet.

You see? It builds up a bit of tension and then the devastating impact comes, and the reader is sad. Otherwise, the death doesn't connect with the reader. It's just a story.

Anyway, overall, I loved it. It could be a little less textbook, but if it's for school, then I guess that can be forgiven, because you have to show your knowledge of tactics. If you ask me, with one or two changes, this could get you a pretty good grade for a person of your age, keep it up