Young Writers Society

The night was dark, darker than normal. A young girl in a dirty, worn out dress dragged her feet across the fields, heading towards the one place she had ever known in her whole life.

The Slave Quarters.

“Mary! You get your black ass in your pigpen right now, girly!” yelled a white man from a big white columned house. His face was an egg white, the ugliest Mary had ever seen. The man was fat, but tall and had a trimmed beard matched with a balding head. His voice was deep and possibly smooth even at the worse times, but right now, it was stained with the stench of hatred.

“I’m on my way right now, Master.” Mary replied, her voice dripping with sarcasm and hatred, but the man dismissed those notes and only heard what he wanted to hear, the obeying slave with a honey tipped voice.

“That’s right girly, and don’t you go screwing around or you’ll be headin’ towards that breedin’ shed earlier than the rest.” The Slave owner laughed evilly.

Mary curtsied and headed down the hill from the big house and past the garden of fruit trees, the farm animals and an assortment of flowers.

“Dere you are Mary, quick darlin’ and fetch me some o’ dat honey for da night’s suppah.”
Mary smiled at the old women in front of her, standing by a pot of stew with another young girl helping her with the oven full of cornbread.

"Of course, Nell. Anythin' for you."
The old woman dubbed Nell smiled back a crooked smile and then went back to working.

Mary returned, handing Nell the honey and then began helping the other girl with handing out the cornbread to all the other slaves.

Hi!

This was very, very short. Are you planning on adding to it? Although the title drew me in, it sounds a bit childish, you know? so maybe change it.

Story-wise, it was quite good, but your writing did run a little awkwardly at times. Like here:

The old woman dubbed Nell smiled back a crooked smile and then went back to working.

"The old woman dubbed Nell"? Why not just say "Nell"?

"smiled back a crooked smile and then went back to working." <-- Really bad wording. It's like you're throwing words in just for the heck of it, or English isn't your first language. Better to have the whole sentence like, "Nell gave a crooked smile and went back to work." Much simpler and more to the point, see?

---

About dialogue:

“I’m on my way right now, Master.” Mary replied...

You do this several times. It needs to be a comma instead of a full stop.

---

So far you've shown us three characters -- Evil Slave Master, Plucky Young Heroine and Kind Old Woman. They're all pretty stereotypical so far, but they may change later on, so ignore me ( ) APART from the Evil Slave Master. Change. It's a really bad sterotype. Ugly guy who keeps slaves and loves being horrible to them, sadistic, mean, jeering.

It's so meh. Doesn't evoke any reaction at all, not even sympathy for Mary, because he comes across as a caricature, or however you spell it. There's other ways you can portray him. Nice Slave Master, which might be all right, but not that interesting. If it was me, I'd do Thoughtless Slave Master, who genuinely considers his slaves animals, so doesn't bother jeering at them, because he thinks they wouldn't understand. That kind of thing, you know?

PM me if you have any questions!

Hi,
This is a very interesting piece you have here. Although, reading about the hardship, if you could even call it that, that all slaves went through makes me feel disgusted.

All my edits, comments and suggestions will be in bold:

The night was dark, darker than normal. A young girl in a dirty, worn out dress dragged her feet across the fields, heading towards the one place she had ever known in her whole life:

The Slave Quarters.

“Mary! You get your black ass in your pigpen right now, girly!” yelled a white man from a big white columned house. His face was an egg white, the ugliest Mary had ever seen. The man was fat, but tall and had a trimmed beard matched with a balding head. His voice was deep and possibly smooth even at the worse times, but right now, it was stained with the stench of hatred.

“I’m on my way right now, Master.” Mary replied, her voice dripping with sarcasm and hatred, but the man dismissed those notes and only heard what he wanted to hear, the obeying slave with a honey tipped voice.

“That’s right girly, and don’t you go screwing around or you’ll be headin’ towards that breedin’ shed earlier than the rest.” The Slave owner laughed evilly.

Mary curtsied and headed down the hill from the big house and past the garden of fruit trees, the farm animals and an assortment of flowers.

“Dere' you are Mary, quick darlin’ and fetch me some o’ dat honey for da night’s suppah.” I love how did the dialogue, it fits perfectly.

Mary smiled at the old women in front of her, standing by a pot of stew with another young girl helping her with the oven full of cornbread.

"Of course, Nell. Anythin' for you."

The old woman dubbed Nell smiled back a crooked smile and then went back to work.

Mary returned, handing Nell the honey and then began helping the other girl with handing out the cornbread to all the other slaves.

I really enjoyed this story and hope that you continue with more.

PM me if you need anything!

Love,
N

Hi!

The night was dark, darker than normal.

Why was it darker?

heading towards the one place she had ever known in her whole life.

I don't really like the wording of this. Yes, slaves don't get out much, but describe it a bit. what is it about this place that allows her to call it home? You should elaborate about it a bit more.

“I’m on my way right now, Master.”

It's okay to add in some quick backround info here and there. Does he frighten her? what is it about the breedin' shed that makes it a threat?

Mary curtsied and headed down the hill from the big house and past the garden of fruit trees, the farm animals and an assortment of flowers.

There is very little descriptives here. So what? she walked past some flowers...snore. Explain the flowers, maybe add in that she brushed her hand across the petals as she moved with haste to where ever it is that she's going. Are there smells? is she cold? hot?

“Dere you are Mary, quick darlin’ and fetch me some o’ dat honey for da night’s suppah.”

I'm all for dialog but this doesnt make much sense. is she saying. "Are you Mary?" or "Hey Mary, grab the honey." Because Mary seemed to alreadyy know the woman.

Mary smiled at the old women in front of her,

What about the old woman? is she black or white? what about her makes her old? her leather like skin? her wrinks? grey hair?

The old woman dubbed Nell smiled back a crooked smile and then went back to working.

This sentence is a run on and doesnt make much sense.

Mary returned, handing Nell the honey and then began helping the other girl with handing out the cornbread to all the other slaves

Where did this 'other girl' come from?


Okay, so indeed this is incomplete. It was short yet seemed to go no where. I sensed no plot, no reason for why the characters would be doing what they were doing. The dialect was great. nice job with that. your sentence structures could use some work, but its a start. Good luck with completeing your story.

--Jas

I loved it. In fact, I have given it a golden star (and that takes alot from the likes of myself!)

Anyhow, this intro/extract of your story is quite amazing, well, it gives me the impression that the finished novel is going to be quite amazing- one that I wouldn't mind reading.

I love the charecter of Mary already; she seems kind-hearted, gentle and loving but at the same time shows signs that she is fiery and strong. In actual fact, I liked all of the 3 charecters, they seem good.

However, I do strongly think that more, not alot, but more description of the setting needs to be included, because after reading the piece, I can't say that I had a strong view of where anyone was.

Also, the title of Mary the Slave Girl, doesn't fit. I think something more philosophical would be alot better, it would fit, sound prestigious, and draw readers in by the hundreds. I would suggest something along the line of "Beside the greener grass." I don't know, just a suggestion off of the top of my head, but I reckon you get the jist.

Anyway, THANKYOU for posting this- I thoroughly enjoyed it.

I really like it. It's short, and you really need to make it longer to create a definite plot, because there's no clear direction where it's going at the moment. But you've got the language prettymuch down, except at that time I don't think they would have said "ass" so you need to find something else to take the place of it, and your setting and character development is sound. You need to go through and make the whole thing nice and skinny now, rewording sentences and using one word in place of three or four where you can, like in " the old woman dubbed Nell." That sounds smoother and feels more accurate if you put it as, "Nell." You can bring out over time the fact that she's old and Nell's a woman's name anyway.
also, you used "the old women," where I think you meant "the old woman". You need singular, not plural. You should use a semi-colon for "Mary, quick, darlin'" instead of the comma. Other than that, I think it's really good; it just needs to be longer.

Me Again

Shadow Thief,

I want more, and I'm sure I ain't alone.

It would be amazing if you could add more to this (finish the chapter, maybe?) and just do more and more. This story has great potential.

Let's have some more!

What up girlfriend? Liked your story a lot. I am always drawn to stories about slaves in America, being a huge (and I mean HUGE) fan of Uncle Tom's Cabin, by Harriet Beecher Stowe. I like the character Mary, she seems smart and spirited. Perhaps the cruel slave owner is a little cliched, but it is true that an unfortunate number of slave owners really were that way. Chivalry was definitely dead with them, as is evident from the way he talks to Mary, a young girl. I wish you'd tell a little more about what Mary looks like--is she plain or pretty, dark-skinned or light-skinned, tall or petite?
If I had to give you one piece of advice, it would be that maybe in your next chapter you could put in a little more plot development. Like in this first chapter, you introduced three characters but didn't tell much about them or set the plot in motion.
Overall though, you have piqued my interest! I can't wait to read more; PM me when you post your next chapter.
Could you add me as a friend too?

Hey guys, ST here...

I've been really busy with school and my computer has been having problems. I don't get many chances to use my home computer seeing my parents use it, but I'll try to update soon.

I was only able to reply to you guys right now because I came down with a fever, sorry, but I'll try to update and put some detail in here for you guys.

Also, thanks Daniel for the idea of a different title, if anyone has any ideas let me know becuase I'm not very good with them.

Thanks again,

ST

Hi there! It was a really good story! A little short though, but still good! But I think it was a little simple. The story was written very well, and had a good plot but it just came upon as simple to me... if you understaned what I mean. When the slave master called the girl "girly" in my personal opinion whenever I hear it being used its usually in an affectionate tone of voice you know? So I think you could've used something else like "girl" or something mean, you understand what I mean? And also, props to the title! The title really drew me in! Really good job!

The night was dark, darker than normal. A young girl in a dirty, worn out dress dragged her feet across the fields, heading towards the one place she had ever known in her whole life.


The Slave Quarters. [This doesn't need to be capitalized]


“Mary! You get your black ass in your pigpen right now, girly!” yelled a white man from a big white columned house [I've already read this through once, and the only thing I really have a problem with in your writing is the descriptions. They're not deep enough, and don't have a nice flow to them. For example, I would word this entence differently, just because while I know what you're trying to get at, I want more. So: ...a white man yelled from the house. I Mary envied its beauty. The house stood majestic on a hill, its tall, whiet columns gleaming in the morning sun]. His face was an egg white, the ugliest Mary had ever seen [Worded oddly. The way it is, I keep thinking you mean the egg-white color is the ugliest Mary's ever seen, when you mean his face, correct?]. The man was fat, but tall and had a trimmed beard matched with a balding head. His voice was deep and possibly smooth even at the worse times, but right now, it was stained with the stench of hatred. [Since it would take a while for me to point out the tiny errors in this sentence, I'll just throw out another example of mine of what I would do with this sentence: The man was tall, his waistline extending well over the belt holding his pants up. The trimmed beard covering his bulbous chin matched the little hair left on his balding head. The master's voice, as it called my name, was deep and smooth as it always was. But despite this I could feel the underlining hatred underlining the words]


“I’m on my way right now, Master.” [Comma instead of period] Mary replied, her voice dripping with sarcasm and hatred [How about returned hatred, since you've already used the word?], but the man dismissed those notes and only heard what he wanted to hear, [Colon instead of comma] the obeying slave with a honey tipped voice. [It would be better, I think, to keep this simple, since you already have so much description above? I would use something like: an obediant slave. Short and sweet and tells us what we need to know]


“That’s right girly, and don’t you go screwing around or you’ll be headin’ towards that breedin’ shed earlier than the rest.” The Slave owner laughed evilly. [Two things: Slave doesn't need to be capitalized, and two, the use of evilly. I just hate that word. No offense, but it's overused and too melodramatic. There are so many synonyms for it out there - you just need to look]


Mary curtsied and headed down the hill from the big house and past the garden of fruit trees, the farm animals [Comma] and an assortment of flowers [Wouldn't it be a garden, then?].


“Dere you are Mary, quick darlin’ and fetch me some o’ dat honey for da night’s suppah.” [Good dialogue here]

Mary smiled at the old women in front of her, standing by a pot of stew with another young girl helping her with the oven full of cornbread.


"Of course, Nell. Anythin' for you."

The old woman dubbed Nell [Don't need all this. Since you've just told us who the old woman is, you can just use Nell] smiled back a crooked smile and then went back to working.


Mary returned, handing Nell the honey and then began helping the other girl with handing out the cornbread to all the other slaves.

It's short, but I do like it. You've got a solid beginning here, once you've edited the minor details I've pointed out. It's a good idea, and I hope you continue to develop it. Keep writing.

KJ

I think you have a good start here, and I am interested in seeing where you want to take the plot. I am new to the forums, and haven't done much writing in some time, but here goes:

The night was dark, darker than normal. A young girl in a dirty, worn out dress dragged her feet across the fields, heading towards the one place she had ever known in her whole life.

The Slave Quarters.

“Mary! You get your black ass in your pigpen right now, girly!” yelled a white man from a big white columned house. (just 'a' big white columned house? Since it is the residence of the antagonist, it is his proverbial lair and should be described in villianous granduer fitting a wealthy southern landowner) His face was an egg white (would take out the 'an'), the ugliest Mary had ever seen. The man was fat, but tall and had a trimmed beard matched with a balding head. His voice was deep and possibly smooth even at the worse times, but right now, it was stained with the stench of hatred. (good description)

“I’m on my way right now, Master.” Mary replied, her voice dripping with sarcasm and hatred, but the man dismissed those notes and only heard what he wanted to hear; the obeying slave with a honey tipped voice.

“That’s right girly, and don’t you go screwing around or you’ll be headin’ towards that breedin’ shed earlier than the rest.” The Slave owner laughed evilly. (What kind of man is the slave owner, other than being a generally bad person. Given how he was described earlier (trimmed beard and living in a very expensive house), I am wondering whether he is an educated member of the southern slaveowning gentry (as his description would indicate) or a commericial farmer who used slaves who worked alongside him (as his language would indicate)? As a historical note, the term 'screwing' was not in widespread use among the gentry at the time)

Mary curtsied and headed down the hill from the big house and past the garden of fruit trees, the farm animals and an assortment of flowers. (Does Mary have formal 'ladylike' training? A curtsy doesn't seem appropriate for an uneducated slave during the time period.)

“Dere you are Mary, quick darlin’ and fetch me some o’ dat honey for da night’s suppah.”
Mary smiled at the old women in front of her, standing by a pot of stew with another young girl helping her with the oven full of cornbread.

"Of course, Nell. Anythin' for you."
The old woman dubbed Nell smiled back a crooked smile and then went back to working.

Mary returned, handing Nell the honey and then began helping the other girl with handing out the cornbread to all the other slaves.

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Shadow_Thief13 wrote:The night was dark, darker than normal.

What makes this night so special?

Shadow_Thief13 wrote:A young girl in a dirty, worn out dress dragged her feet across the fields, heading towards the one place she had ever known in her whole life.

The One Place she had ever known in her whole life? I mean come on, that sounds a little overdramatic. Maybe try, "Her home, where she was glad to get to after a long day of work."

Shadow_Thief13 wrote:The Slave Quarters.

If you elaborate on who the girl is a little bit more in the first few paragraphs, you won't need this sentence.

Shadow_Thief13 wrote:“Mary! You get your black ass in your pigpen right now, girly!” yelled a white man from a big white columned house. His face was an egg white, the ugliest Mary had ever seen. The man was fat, but tall and had a trimmed beard matched with a balding head. His voice was deep and possibly smooth even at the worse times, but right now, it was stained with the stench of hatred.

Alrighty, Big Info-Dump right here. We don't want too know every thing about the slave master in one paragraph. Spread it out more over the course of the story. Also, this character sounds a little over-the-top. Try to tone him down a little more and make him a belivable character. Also, "Yelled a white man from a big white house?" Come on now. 1) You should try to vary your adejctive structure, and It seems a little cheesy and obvious that a white man would have a white house. Like, we don't all have white houses, do we? I mean, I have a red house with a dark brown roof ^o^. Also, You might want to do a little reaserch on the houses in the 19th century.

Shadow_Thief13 wrote:“I’m on my way right now, Master.” Mary replied, her voice dripping with sarcasm and hatred, but the man dismissed those notes and only heard what he wanted to hear, the obeying slave with a honey tipped voice.

Alright, this is confusing. Why did the slave master not get mad at Mary talking back? Maybe change the dialouge convo so the master punishes her for being snooty.

Shadow_Thief13 wrote:“That’s right girly, and don’t you go screwing around or you’ll be headin’ towards that breedin’ shed earlier than the rest.” The Slave owner laughed evilly.

Alrighty, I'm starting to get confused. When You started out this story, Mary had gone to her Slave Hut, and the man was yelling from the house. You might want to do a little bit of reaserch on this. Planatations were huge. There was the big farming area, the main house, the barn, the washroom, and all sorts of different areas. Now, you might want to have the slave master tell Mary 'to come here' so they don't both lose their voices having a yelling competition.

Shadow_Thief13 wrote:Mary curtsied and headed down the hill from the big house and past the garden of fruit trees, the farm animals and an assortment of flowers.

Alrighty then. This seems a little stereotypical. I mean, her slave owner is not the King of England. Try :
"Yes sir." Mary recited, she headed down the hill - which seperated the main house from the rest of the building - passing the flowers and trees of the gardens on her way down.

Shadow_Thief13 wrote:“Dere you are Mary, quick darlin’ and fetch me some o’ dat honey for da night’s suppah.”

Okay, I know you are trying to get all authentic with the dialect and stuff, but please try to write out correctly. When I first read that, I went WTF? It's the same reason, If we decide to set a book or movie and germany, the dialouge is still in english, so we can understand it.

Shadow_Thief13 wrote:Mary smiled at the old women in front of her, standing by a pot of stew with another young girl helping her with the oven full of cornbread.

"Of course, Nell. Anythin' for you."
The old woman dubbed Nell smiled back a crooked smile and then went back to working.

Mary returned, handing Nell the honey and then began helping the other girl with handing out the cornbread to all the other slaves.

Okay, me, as a reader, I'm not really interested in this section. I don't care about the slave's dinner. I want to see some real action spice up, because yet you have to introduce the plot. I like where you are going with it, though.

Also, the title seems a little generic and childish. All I know It's about a slave girl in pain. Here are a couple titles you might wan't to try out.

"Night of Pain."
"Greed."
"Horrid Transactions."
"Abused."


Good Luck with writing! And Feel free to PM me if you have any questions!

Hae this has got potential plz keep writing as your first sentence drew me in.

This is good. I like the idea, but ther was one part that really bothered me

“That’s right girly, and don’t you go screwing around or you’ll be headin’ towards that breedin’ shed earlier than the rest.” The Slave owner laughed evilly.

I know what your trying to get at but it isn't working in this situation. If a man of high status (one who is able to own many slaves) is going to threaten his slaves...he usually isn't going to say that. It won't keep up with his dignity that he is supposed to maintain. The swearing is fine but the breeding sheds just...(sorry about being harsh) doesn't. You might think about threatening with something like "You'll earn yourself fifty lashes if you don't get back to your shed now" or "I'll order Tom (slave driver?) to give you a double work load tomarrow if you don't get your ass back to your shed." or if you want to keep the breeding shed then just say "Get your ass back to the sheds now or the consequences will be harsh" I don't know if you like any of these suggestions...but there just suggestions so take 'em or leave 'em...it's your story...

I really think that you need to continue with this idea though...I know you said you weren't finished but...it is good. Keep the Mary kind of hauty and sarcastic it gives good character.