Young Writers Society

I like this! Are you adding more?

Hi, honey. Your ideas for this story have potential, but, of course, I have a few suggestions.

1. She either has an accent or doesn't. (You'll have to excuse me until I figure out how to quote stories. I'm brand new.) She sounds like she doesn't have any African American influence in her speech until she says, "Anythin'".

2. I don't find it cruel or demeaning for the master of the house to call her 'girly', and I think that's what you were going for. Perhaps you should stick with just 'girl'.

3. The comments about both the man's voice and the girl's voice seem confused and contradicting. His voice can be smooth, even at the worst of times, but now it's not? I would leave out the part about it being smooth. Also, I understand what you're trying to say about the girl's voice being sarcastic, etc., but you could find a clearer way to say that.

You are a dauntless writer, and, like me, it seems that you have all these wonderful ideas buzzing around in your head and are just seeking to write them down crystal clear and fluid as soon as you can. But I've learned that if you just get it out, you can look at it, and have others look at it. And you can move on from there. And that is just what you have done.

Hey!

I liked your story but got a little confused with the accents. Sometimes they were there other times they were not. I think you should add to it andthat the story needs more backround. Like who is Mary? How did she get to be a slave and who is her master? What's his deal? Stuff like that! Keep on goin'!

Hi, I just have two historically accurate facts for you:

1. During the Pre Civil War Era slaves usually did NOT have honey available to them. During that time honey was considered a treat (like sugar) and was meant only for people who could actually afford it. Now, slaves were able to obtain honey or sugar, but only on certain holidays (like Christmas, when most slave masters were feeling generous).

2. Keep in mind that the slave masters back then rarely ever socialized with their slaves. Most slave masters were part of the upper class, and would have spent their time indoors entertaining guests or relaxing. They hired somebody to be an "overseer", someone who's job was to make sure all the slaves were working as they should and punish them if they weren't.

If you are continuing on with your story I suggest you find books with specific details on slavery in the U.S. Here is a book I recommend you read: ...If You Lived When There Was Slavery In America, By Anne Kamma. ...If You Lived When There Was Slavery In America is a very informative yet easy book to read that's just about 62 pages long.

The title drew me in but, it was very short. I found that it was well written but, tell us more about your character. Give us some more emotion. Draw a picture for us. Describe things in great detail. Tell us about the slave quarters. We need more. This could have potential. It is captivating if you only gave us more. In my humble opinion, you just continue this story. It is intriguing. Best of luck,
Ballerina

You need to add way more to your story. It was way to short. I liked what you wrote about though. I also liked how you showed the hatred between the to races, white and black.
I didn't like how you said

The old woman dubbed Nell,

Why didn't you just say Nell? I think you are good at writing, but slave stories, not your thing!





*Emily*

Hey there, im Angela.

I enjoyed your story, it was very well written but i had a few objections.
First, the title. ''Mary the Slave Girl'' is very shallow and generic. It would be better i think if you used something important from your story or an idea you're trying to get across as your title. Make it personal, make it yours.
Second, I disliked the slave owner's character. He was overly cruel and i was not intimidated by him. And what are the ''breeding sheds''? It would have been better if you had described what they were exactly, strike some fear into the heart of the reader for what could possibly happen to Mary.

That aside, as i said before, i did enjoy your story and would like to see more.