Young Writers Society

I held her lifeless body in a stiff and bloody embrace. The cannons drowned out my mourning cries. I leaned over her face and kissed her cold lips. Such a peaceful look in her violet eyes. I laid my fingers over her eye lids and drew them down tight so she would be free from the scenes of this horrific, bloody battle that raged around us.
[i]She was all I had left![/i]
The orange glow of fire played across my blurry vision like a dancing daemon.

My breathing became ragged. I could hear my own heartbeat over the gunshots and shouts of pain and fear. Knowing she died in pain, without me by her side, I carefully stood with her limp body. I held her the same way I did on our wedding night, just three weeks ago. Her pale arm fell by my side. Blood dripped down her thin fingertips in a slow, dire rhythm to the red stained ground.

I ran blinded with sorrowful tears towards the edge of the river. I thrust aside anyone I ran into, stumbling over already dead comrades, tears running down my face. I ignored the gunshots and the screams around me. All I heard was her voice from two nights ago, whispering in my head.

[i]Do not fret honey, we will be together soon. You will never lose me.[/i]

When I reached the river bank, I waded in the freezing water towards the deep, black crevasses. I laid my face close to hers and once more brushed my lips against her cold, gray ones.

"Good bye." I whispered in her ear. My tears ran down my sweat covered cheeks onto her long, black hair.

Then, placing her frigid body onto the rushing, black water, I reluctantly let go. As her body traveled down the river my cold tears ceased. [i]Nothing is left in the world. Nothing at all. I have made my choice. I want to be with her forever.[/i] I fumbled with my gun until it slid from its black holster and held it, while my hand shook violently, to my head. One brief moment of roaring pain, then blackness.
[i]I am no more.[/i]

. I leaned over her face and kissed her cold lips. Such a peaceful look in her eyes. I laid my fingers over her eyelids and drew them tight so she would be free from the scenes of this horrific battle.

This is a great scene for imagery, but it could be so much better if you had more imagery. You can make the reader feel so much more pity with this if you just expanded your images. Just put in some metaphors and descriptions, and it would be perfect.

I ran blinded with sorrowful tears towards the edge of the river. I thrust aside anyone I ran into, stumbling over already dead comrades.

Again, this is a pretty powerful scene. But it has so much more potential to be something that's heartwrenching and terrible. Another thing is that you don't indicate that he is carrying the girl when he is running.


Great concept, and lots of potential. Expand it some more!

Hi this is very powerful, romantic but very sad Its short, but I think it works at around this size in just showing the horror of losing the one you love- nicely done! there's not much to nitpick but I shall do what I can anyway

The cannons drowned out my mourning cries. I leaned over her face and kissed her cold lips.

I'd maybe have some extra action or sentence in here to show that he (I don't know that its a he but I'll just say that to make it easier to comment on )has stopped crying when he bends down to kiss her- you jump from his 'mourning cries' to kissing her cold lips and I think if you mentioned him falling silent as he stared into her lifeless eyes or something like that it would have a smoother running from the actions.

I my breathing became ragged.

I don't think you need 'I' here.

Knowing she died in vain, I stood with her body.

This piece of information is not explained and is a bit confusing as the reader never does find out what she died in vain for. I think it might work better to just comment on her dying for no reason or the pain of losing her. When you say 'with her body'- do you mean she is leaning against him? Or is he holding her? I'd add a bit more detail here.

I laid my face close to hers, brushed my lips against her cold, gray ones.

You've already mentioned him kissing her lips so I would maybe add 'once more' or 'again' somewhere here or change the action before or here.

"Good bye my love" I whispered in her ear, tears pouring out.

You need to end the speech- either with a comma or a full stop. Instead of just 'tears pouring out' I'd say where they are poring out, maybe something like 'tears pouring from my eyes.'

As her body traveled down the river my tears ceased. Nothing is left in the world. Nothing at all. I have made my choice. I want to be with her forever.

After the first sentence, you switch to the present tense so I'd maybe put this into italics or something like that to show it is his thoughts. I think you could maybe say something better than 'traveled' as its not a very descriptive word to show her movement- maybe something like 'drifted' or 'floated' would be better.

I am no more.

I think this might well in italics too, so that it is his thoughts.

Overall: I think you have a good piece, the writing is very emotional and you can really feel the pain of the scene.

Like I said, I think it does work well as a short piece of writing, but I do think some areas could have a bit more added to them. For instance, when he is holding her, how does she feel in his arms? How is he holding her? And then he is running, so maybe you could have an extra sentence or something to show when he started to run and why. You could have his thoughts on it- perhaps he needs to get out of there as he just cannot bear to have her in the carnage surrounding them.

As I have mentioned, I think some of the writing that is from his perspective could be changed to italics as his thoughts. I think if you wanted you could add more in as well, to show why he is doing what he is doing and the pain he feels. A litle explanation and detail could improve this piece of writing even more

Hope I've helped! All my comments are just suggestions so ignore them if you want

This is so romantic but yet it shows so much regret and sadness. It reminds a little of "Romeo and Juliet" or even the poem "The Highwayman." Even though it is very short, it stays with the reader. It has intense power. You could expand this, by telling what the characters look like, how they met: things like that. You should definitely continue this piece. Great job. The only corrections would be slow down and describe the scene more and reread your story. For in some areas, the wording is choppy and does not sound quite right. Keep going. This is intriguing.*Gold Star*

I thrust aside anyone I ran into, stumbling over already dead comrades.

This sentence doesnt have that flowing rythym you've created. It's awkward.

This is a depressing piece. I loved the feelings and emotion thrown at me. There was enough descriptions of the surroundings to get the gist of things without taking from the emotion. I really enjoyed reading this. I didnt find anything to be critiqued besides the one phrase above. Great job, I'd love to read more of your writing. PM me for anything.
--Jas

Hi! Over all I wanna say that this was very good and interesting. I am wondering is this the end of the story? For the whole excerpt, way too many I's were used. I would break that up by trying some different sentence formulas.

I held her lifeless body in a stiff and bloody embrace.

Beef it up some! Not enough about how he felt, and the I isn't a good start.

The orange glow of fire played across my blurry vision like a dancing daemon.

This is a great line, and the spelling of demon is cool.

"Good bye my love"

It seemed kinda wimpy for such a masculine setting, and it didn't fit with the character.

I let go reluctantly

That could be, Reluctantly, I let go.

I pulled my gun from its holster

Add fumbling or an action at the beginning of the sentence.

I am no more.

Seriously, that is a hardcore line. I absolutely loved it. Over all I would give this 4 stars out of 6. Hope my review helped!

Kay

emmylou1995 wrote:I my breathing became ragged. I could hear my heartbeat over the gunshots and shouts of pain and fear. Knowing she died in vain, I stood with her body. Her pale arm fell by my side. Blood dripped down her fingers in a dire rhythm to the red stained ground.
.

The I in the sentence is uneeded and isn't really grammatically correct. And I think it would have been better if you would have described a little better of how he held her body. He could have cradled her in a bride-style embrace or something. But other than that I think you did a very very very very good job on this. The detailing was magnificent and so was the story itself! I really liked it!

Reread it! I finally got around to editing it!

It was really good! I liked it! It was very emotional but it was amazing!

This is really good! The description is great, and it has good imagery. The only thing that I really saw was this.

emmylou1995 wrote:I ignored the gunshots and the screams around me. All i hear is her voice from two nights ago, whispering in my head.

You suddenly transitioned from past tense to present tense, and it has the possibility of disrupting the flow of the story.

Other than that, this is great! Looking forward to seeing more!

Good imagery, nice control of emotions. But there are some errors like: 'Good bye' (which should have been 'goodbye') and 'eye lids' (should have been 'eyelids').

Anyway, good job!