Young Writers Society

“Oh my goodness! El, have you heard about the spring dance yet?” my best friend Kitty squeals. I love my friend dearly, but sometimes she tends to be a bit too enthusiastic about things- or maybe I’m just to too dry.
“What about it?” I ask.
“Its girl’s pick! Sadie Hawkins! Who are you going to ask? Have you decided yet?”
“How could I have decided yet?” I laugh. “you just told me about it two seconds ago. My brain doesn’t process that quickly.”
“Well you don’t have to be rude, you know.” she pouts.
I roll my eyes and laugh. “You’re so dramatic. So who are you thinking of asking? I can tell you already have one picked out. You’re too excited.”
“Oh I don’t know,” she says casually “ I was thinking of Billy Peterson from my English class. He’s really cute. Or that Jack guy that works at the drug store. He’s so mysterious!”
“Kitty, we are in high school, he can’t be too mysterious,” I laugh again.
“So have you decided yet? You better not wait too long all the good picks will be snatched up and you’ll be left with Buck Tooth Bobby or someone…”
We walk to our last class of the day - Economics- which I hate. You would think with my dad being a politician and all I would be a little on top of things economically, but am I? Of course not. That would be too easy. And lord knows I always have to do things the hard way. So instead of whizzing through a class most kids think I should be able to sleep through, I’m barely dragging through with a C. I ’m listening to my teacher drone on and on about how the economy relates to our lives, or something equally as boring when I feel something scratch my elbow. This is Kitty’s way of passing me a note. She leans up on her desk all casually and scratches my elbow with her pencil. I then pretend to scratch my back at an awkward angle and she slips the note into my hand - it has worked flawlessly for the past three years. I must say, we are quite brilliant for cooking it up. I unfold the note on my desk, smoothing the wrinkles with my palm and read what she has scribbled across the top of the page.
Are you going to buy a new dress? I’m just going to wear
my blue velvet with the white trim. But I know you probably
will go shopping, so I want to go with you! It will be fun
even if I do not get anything.
Kitty’s family is not poor, but they are not wealthy either. She has five brothers and sisters and most of their money probably goes to feeding all the mouths. She never complains, but I always get the feeling that she feels a little sad when she wears the same ol’ things again and again and I always have the latest things at M.M. Cohen’s. I write down my answer and toss the folded paper over my left shoulder when my teacher turns his back. We decide to go down town the department store the next day after school.

I notice that your character's personalities come across really well. That's always a good thing. In my opinion, that's the most interesting thing about this story.

Also, I didn't find any grammatical mistakes. Apparently you edited this before submitting. Great job!

One nitpick, however: I don't like the fact that this is written in present tense, especially since this is historical fiction. Yet, it wouldn't kill me to read it in present tense, it's just my opinion. It's your story, so you can do what you want with it. Just consider my suggestion, please.

Thank you for your compliments! Unfortunately it is not edited as well as i would like. i read over it a moment ago and saw several errors i need to correct. I write english essays for my job so my grammar is usually ok. however, this is my first stab at something non structured ( at least, not like an essay) and i appreciate your feedback. I will take into consideration what you have said!

Daniella,
Hello and welcome to YWS! This is a terrific, horridly addicting site that if all goes well you will soon find it hard to be away from. Before I start with your review, though – to post anything of your own, you have to write a critique for at least two other people, or one other person but for two of his/her stories/poems. Either way, the important thing is that for every one piece you post, you have to critique two others. So, you’re indebted for two reviews!


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That first paragraph did not make me particularly enthusiastic. In means of an introduction it was good, I suppose, but nothing more. It felt a bit like trudging through knee-deep snow to a candy shop, actually. I skimmed down to see that there was in fact a good story going on there, but the first paragraph – it didn’t draw me in too well. Perhaps shorten it a bit, rephrase some sentences, not too sure – you’re the expert here.


The sudden tense change comes as a shocker, and not necessarily in a good way. I have nothing against time present – I write a lot in it, too – but it’s just that here is was so sudden! It felt like those little stars separating particular sections in a book are missing, or that maybe the transfer itself could have been smoother.


Onward. A tiny detail:

Its. His.
Its cat.
His cat.

It is [it’s]. He’s [he is]. She’s [she is].
It’s sunny outside.
He’s speaking.
She’s talking.


That covered, there’s also dialogue punctuation. There are tons of articles fluttering about – I’m no good at explaining, so you’ll have to refer to those. Basically, those will tell you when to put a capital after a quote, when not to, when to put a comma, when not too etc., etc.



And that’s everything as far as the grays are concerned. I have to admit, you have me hooked, even if that first paragraph didn’t. The story flows very smoothly, the plot goes forward without any forced pushing, and the characters are drawn up pretty well.


Esme

good story! I enjoyed the realism of the teen world.